Dear....

[Der Cute]

Dear Belly Flub:

Please melt. Quickly. I'm trying to have less butt time and more foot time, but I don't think you're hearing me. I want you to disappear. Like soon. I garden. Lawn work. Pick up PC's and haul them around. My upper body strength is great. So can the flub just like....leave?

But, thank you, Buns, for firming up.

Cutenoob

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Eric Gagne:

You stink. You suck. Blowing 5 out of 14 saves is not good.

At least you were something before the Mitchell Report.

Gag Me With A Spoon,
Irv

[ArenaBoy]

Dear Slytovhand,

Spurs, *SNORT, SNICKER* Just be glad I'm not an Arsenal fan.

[Misanthropical]

Dear coworkers,

I don't have a cold! I have really bad allergies, so stop asking me if I have a cold or telling me I sound terrible. I am tired of telling you all that I have ALLERGIES! GRRR!


Dear other coworker,

What is up with having the Satanic Bible on your desk? I don't care one way or the other, but in case you haven't noticed, most of the people who work here are very religious and easily offended. I know you are a nice person and would hate to see you get fired over it.


Dear sort of coworker,

The day people and the night people share desks. You see the day guy where I sit try to hurry to leave, so I can sit down and get to work. You also see how he made room so I could put my stuff up on one side and leave some drawers empty so that I can leave my stuff. You see how that works? He had his side and I have mine. Look around, you will see that all over the call floor.

So your passive aggressiveness is getting on my nerves. My friend sits at that desk at night and you move like a snail on valium. I swear if you moved any slower you would be going backwards! You make her late logging on and you do it on purpose.

You have your stuff all over both sides of the desk, you take up all the drawers and ask her snide questions like "How come they put you HERE! They have so many other desks?!?" She is too nice of person to say anything to you or to go to a supervisor and make you share. I'm not! One more little thing and I will speak to our supervisor, got it, bitch?


Dear little guy,

I love you more than life itself, but you are driving me nuts! Your father and I bought you a very nice set of glasses, that the nice eye doctor told you that you had to wear at all times, since your eyes have changed so much since your last visit.

So, for the love of all that is holy leave them on! I should not have to check every time you walk by that you are wearing them.

I just know this is my grandmother's revenge from beyond the grave, since she was always on me to wear mine and I would take them off and lose them. It's a good thing she had a good paying job or she would have gone broke always replacing my glasses.

Oh yeah, thank you for finally deciding to wear your pj's when you get undressed. I was tired of telling you to put something on and stop running around in your underwear.


Dear children,

Do you really have to say "EWWW!" every time you see your dad and I kissing or giving each other a hug? If we never got close to each other you wouldn't be here.

I know it's weird to have parents who still love each other and are together, since all your friend's parents are divorced and dating other people, but you should be use to your father and I being affectionate to each other, since, you know, you LIVE HERE.

You should only be worried if you see us not being affectionate towards each other.


Dear big guy,

Stop calling me "Short Fry" just because you are so much taller than me. I mean it! GRR!

[Becks]

Dear body,

9 days and counting?

See my last post in Workday Phrases of Lore and Legend.

Not amused,

Me

[Evil Queen]

Dear Misanthropical's co-worker with teh Satanic Bible on her desk,

Can I have a copy?!

-Love EQ

[draggar]

Dear neighbors who keep dumping their garbage outside,

I just called the humane society on you. You are leaving your poor dog out on a patio all day with little to no shade. I do not know if it has a dog house but it is still extremely irresponsible for you to leave the poor dog outside all day. My weather station says that today's high was 95.54 degrees and that was about an hour ago. It is currently one degree cooler. It can easily get into the 100's in the next week or two.

Sadly, if your dog is confiscated I think it would be put down. One, because it is a pit bill (not an aggressive one at all) and pit bulls that are brought in are usually euthanized but I think this would be more humane than leaving it outside to fend for itself in the hot south Florida sun all day.

Obviously you do not care about anyone but yourselves. You've cursed out people for asking to to not dump your garbage wherever you want to, you never clean up after the dog and you let it run loose in the neighborhood. You better hope I am not walking Kiri one day when your dog is loose, I know your dog will run up to me and Kiri WILL defend us and kick your dog's ass (and then I will quickly call the police).

Your irresponsibility amazes me. I am glad you two are lesbians, it just makes the odds of not having any children that much higher. If you treat your own dog and community like this I'd hate to see how you'd treat your own child.

[blas]

Dear bf:

I understand there's a huge difference between us. I am not afraid to let people know when I'm bored, angry, sad, etc, and you tend to slump in a corner and say "I'm fine", and you'll always deny being mad or bored or disappointed. This is probably why you said you'd fix my car. You didn't want to say no. You're pretending that you have time for it. You're pretending that you want to do it. Just give it up....it'll make it easier for me to get my car back from you. Just be honest with me for once. I don't care if you don't want to do it....I want my car back and that's that.

[Evil Queen]

Dear Guests that have yet to Arrive,

Please, please,please,please,please,please,please have the rest of you come in on the next guy's shift!! I'm tired, I wanna go home and I can't stand any more of this Convention shit! I don't wanna walk any more people! I promise, if ONE of you cancel your room, I won't charge you! I promise! Just, please, let me go home!

With two and a half hours to go,
-EQ

[RetailWorkhorse]

Dear children,

Do you really have to say "EWWW!" every time you see your dad and I kissing or giving each other a hug? If we never got close to each other you wouldn't be here.

Dear Misanthropical,

They will do it until they reach the age where it's no longer gross.

I'm 21 and it's still gross.

-A 6 year old who's legally able to buy alcohol.

[Shangri-laschild]

Dear sister,

What the hell were you thinking? Mom and Dad said if you wanted to stay at home, you were welcome to. They were also very clear about how your boy was not welcome to stay here. You were informed of this from the start. Waking up to find out that by pure luck, I was not the one to discover him sleeing on the couch was not amusing. Especially since I would have discovered him while I was only wearing a towel. I'm somewhat of a morning person, but you're pushing it. Again, you are really lucky Dad just happened to be getting up before me for once. You're quickly burning all your bridges and if Mom and Dad are to the point of wanting to change the locks on you, you're really screwing up more than you thought.

Your sister
PS If you ever have your boyfriend pick a fight with me again, especially after I just got done doing you a big favor, we will have a serious issue on our hands.



Dear computer,

It is way too early for this beeping shit. Please stop

Not amused,
Me


Dear morning,

Thank you for not actually being all that bad

[Misanthropical]

Dear Misanthropical's co-worker with teh Satanic Bible on her desk,

Can I have a copy?!

-Love EQ

I think it's his only copy, so he wouldn't be willing to part with it. I have never asked him about it, since I don't care what people read. I did use his Japanese dictionary to tell another coworker to shut up, though.

[Evil Queen]

I think it's his only copy, so he wouldn't be willing to part with it. I have never asked him about it, since I don't care what people read. I did use his Japanese dictionary to tell another coworker to shut up, though.

I see most religions as works of fiction so I see the satanic bible as a possibly amusing fantasy book. I would love a copy (because three years of Bible Training was "good for me" *gagmewitharustyspoon*).

Maybe I can find one online?

[the_std]

Dear Chest 'n Stuff,

Please don't make me feel like I'm having a heart attack while I'm trying to sleep. Repeated convulsions right in the centre of my chest and a lump in my throat are not cool. I was just about to pack it in and go to the hospital when mom convinced me to take some Gaviscon. It worked and made you go away. Therefore I hope that you're related to this hernia in my esophagus, because, if not, I shall be very upset.

Tired and sore,
Me

[Daisy]

Dear freaky winged insect on my front door,

You are a moth. Moths do not have creepy talon-y spider legs that look like claws. You do. This fucking scares me. Go back to hell, devil-moth.

Daisy