Dear....

[Shangri-laschild]

Dear socks
I know you hate me. You've made this quite clear by your unanymous desicion to never ever stay up when I wear any of you no matter what. This is why I don't wear you. Some day there will be a sock revolution. For now I just keep my self happy by wearing lots of awesome tights. Until the revolution then,
Love,
Bectar

[CaroPhoenix]

Dear assistant manager who works Saturday afternoons and I have to work with for 1 hour before I can go home,

STOP BEING LATE. Last week you were almost 1/2 hour late.

Stop being so smug.

Stop being an a$$ towards me. The customers love me and I actually help out.

Yes, I am a female. Yes, I am a female with a brain in my head. I also am a gamer. Just because you'll never have a chance to either date me or get me into bed, doesn't mean you can be a $hithead towards me.

No love EVER,
IDaR

[sms001]

Dear manufacturers of car alarms

WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU PUT A TIME LIMIT ON HOW LONG THOSE THINGS WAIL ON FOR!!!

No love

a very cranky iradney who kept getting woken up by a F****NG CAR ALARM LAST NIGHT

Yes. And the time limit should be from 1979 to 1981.... the last time anyone paid the least bit of attention to one. JFC, there's a REASON "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" is a moral fable taught to every kid. Reread it, memorize the lesson, and save us all the earache and the two hundred bucks extra tacked on to the car price for something absolutely less than useless.

[Rubyred]

And yet you are only four hours north of me. Come on down, I'll buy you a drink!

I'll actually be down there for my birthday with bf and a bunch of friends. June 13th -15th.


Dear Man,

You need to figure out what the fuck you want. I'm sick of this game.

Yours
Ruby


Dear Dog,

Please for the love of god, pee when I take you out at 11 because I will not be happy with you when you wake me up at 3AM to go again.

Thanks
Mom

[Norton]

Dear Old Coot,

Get out of the office! I know I work for your son, and you have some project downstairs in the garage so using this office is a convenience for you. However as your son's employee, it is terribly inconvenient for me. Why must you keep literally hundreds of pounds of random piles of personal paperwork in this office? It makes the office look terrible. Client visits are few and far between, mostly because we don't want them seeing what a shithole the office looks like with its stacks of paper. I've seen your home. You have room for 3 or 4 offices in that house.

And quit using this computer! I hate when you march in here and announce "I need to get there for a second". First of all, you never take into account whether I'm busy or not. Secondly, it's never a just "second". It takes you anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour and a half to check your email! God forbid you start editing a document - I might as well go home for the day.

Speaking of going home, I don't appreciate when you ask me to take a long lunch, or ask me to go home early because you want to use the office computer without my presence. No, I don't want to go home. I want to stay here and earn money! You're freakin' rich! Buy your own damn computer and use it at home. Oh, you say all your oh-so-important documents are on this computer? Isn't that why you bought those USB drives - so you could easily transfer all your stuff from one computer to another?

Most of our client and vendor information is on this computer. Do you know how frustrating it is when a client, or your son, or his business partner calls me looking for some information, and I have to tell them "I'm sorry. I don't have access to the computer right now."? Can you feel the dirty looks I'm shooting you?

By the way, a vendor had stopped by the office recently. While speaking with him, you again marched into the office and kicked me off the computer. The vendor called later to make sure everyone was ok, since he found your behavior and the fact that you ousted me from my workstation odd.

Finally, for the love of all that's unholy: Stop leaving used tissues and napkins on this desk! I hate coming to work in the morning and finding a pile of snotty tissues. The garbage can is RIGHT NEXT TO THE DESK! Just stretch your right hand out and drop the tissues. That's what that plastic can is for!


No love here,

Norton

[Saydrah]

Saydrah - how would you like to come out east and have a little...talk...with my HS sophomore rat pizzle of a teacher?

Obie says: "What's wrong with rat pizzle?"

Saydrah says, " Oh, I could tell you some stories about sucky teachers who got their comeuppance thanks to me. I got my HS principal fired for taking an action that violated District Conduct Code, federal law, and the Constitution. The secret is, don't be afraid to self-advocate, but don't get razzled. If you have a legitimate complaint, document it all in writing, take time stamped photos of your documentation to prove it was done on the date you say it was, and go straight to the person causing the problem.

Give them 10 minutes of your (polite but straight to the point) time to start offering solutions, and if all they do is browbeat and deny things, thank them for their time and schedule a meeting with the next person over their head. That's usually either the department head or the principal depending on how large your school is. Then repeat- but give them more time because they have to bullshit more to get away from liability. If that doesn't work, school board (or board of regents).

It doesn't do a damn thing if your complaint isn't legit, but if it is, you can get things addressed with enough tenacity and as long as you don't fall into any of the traps authority figures like to set, like making you cry or tricking you into yelling or saying something that's not true and discrediting yourself. A calm, 'This is what happened, this is why I feel it's wrong, I have documentation, here's my suggestion to fix it,' and then letting them talk does wonders.

I've had some fantastic teachers and some awful ones, and only one of the awful ones has managed to get the best of me, and that was when I was going through a rough time and couldn't cope mentally and broke down crying in my meeting with her."

Oh and:

Dear Barack Obama,

Please stop being attractive. This crush is getting ridiculous. It is very hard to be taken seriously as a supporter who has educated herself thoroughly on your Senate record, life story, positions, and campaign promises, as well as read both your books and studied videos of all your key speeches, when I get a silly grin any time I start talking about you and catch myself reciting 'A More Perfect Union' in my head during intimate moments. I am officially taking away your sexy privileges. Go get a reverse nosejob and gain 100 pounds or something, please? I can't very well convince people to vote for you when they all just start calling me "Mrs. Obama!"

-Infatuated

[sms001]

Dear person who has an answer for everything,

I have caught you in so many lies and half truths, and when I call you on them,

I've met this person several times now. I call them galushes, after the foremost among them. For me, it's not even the constant lies (which are bad enough and ALWAYS self-serving, and often pointless....) but the fact that they believe that NO one is clever enough to catch them up. I realize that it's probably a mental disability of some sort, but they are essentially calling everyone "stupid" right to their faces.

[Misanthropical]

Dear Children,

I know I'm not always the best mommy in the world and for that, I am sorry, but could you at least put your nasty socks in the washing machine? I really don't want them trying to bite me when I pick them up.

And, please rinse off your dishes when you put them in the sink, so the food on them doesn't become some super type glue.

Much love,
Mom

Dear Boss,

You are the best boss I have ever had and you rock out loud, but could please tell one of your favorite employees not to drop the F-bomb every two seconds and mean it? I know you think it's cute when she does it, but the rest of us are really getting annoyed by it.

Much respect,
Misanthropical

Dear other boss who is not my boss,

If you take chocolate off my desk one more time I will have to hurt you. One does not mess with a woman's chocolate, mmkay?

Buy your own,
Me

Dear Coworker,

What project me and my friend are working on is none of your business. So, please stop whining about how we get the easy jobs and you have been there longer, so you should have it.

Also, please stop coming by our desks and annoying us while we are trying to do our work, besides shouldn't you be doing your job?

Hugs,
Misanthropical

Dear Neighbors,

Could you please keep it down a bit? I like a good time too, but I try to be considerate of my neighbors.

Also, it's funny to watch your child, who is smaller than your dog try to walk the dog, since it seems like the dog is walking your child.

Lots of love,
Your neighbor

Dear Other Neighbor,

You rock! Thanks for all the baked goods you have brought over for us. It's hard to share, since your baking so darn good.

I have gained weight from it, but it's just so darn good that I wonder if you have added something totally addicting in the batch.

I'm sorry I don't have anything to give you that would compare to it.

Hugs,
Your addicted neighbor

Dear Banking Accounts,

Why can't you grow? I mean huge amounts of growth? That would be great!

Lots of love,
Me

[MystyGlyttyr]

Dear Male Parental Unit,

What with the horrible hail storms knocking out windshields all over the county, it occurred to me too late that it was the perfect opportunity to smash your head through the windshield of the car and claim that hail did it, and that the enormous gaping wound through your face was the result of your own stupidity. Alas, it's too late now. Next time I'll remember, though. So maybe, just maybe, you could stop acting like a fuckwit for, oh, say, twenty seconds, and then I could stop thinking nonstop about how I wish you would buy life insurance so that I would lose the only reason left (that it's not worth my effort) that I haven't bothered to kill you yet.
At the very least, stop bitching and moaning about how tight money is and pouting every time my mother does something like, oh, buy her HEART MEDICINE, and look around you and realize that, unlike ANYONE ELSE WE KNOW, you have ALL of the following...
—a roof over your head in no danger of repossession.
—a family who isn't completely insane.
—a spouse who is still alive (despite your BEST EFFORTS) and who, for some reason, still loves you.
—three adult and moderately successful children who are still alive who, for some reason, still love you.
—two grandchildren and three nieces who are practically grandchildren who are all in absolutely ungodly good health considering their births AND who love you unconditionally because they aren't yet old enough to know what a whining BITCH you are.
—things like two working cars, plus a third that works well enough that you can still use it in an emergency, decent household appliances, a well full of clean water, a house and an acre of yard far away from anyone who would ruin it, and a computer with Internet access (dial-up, yes, but still access!)
—basically a lifestyle that isn't perfect but is still a hundred times better than your's was when you were MY age, which is every parents' goal, to make life better for their kids than it was for them, right?
—even if it's not always the best of food, never fearing going hungry.
Just, overall, you need to shut up, realize that your life is full of blessings that other people don't have and some people will NEVER have EVER, and stop being so goddamn negative that the only emotion that permeates the whole of the household is an almost overwhelming desire to cause you bodily harm.
You know, It'd be one thing if you were actually DEPRESSED, but you're NOT, and I KNOW you're NOT because if you WERE, you wouldn't have that shit-eating smile on your face when you spend six solid hours playing that stupid video game of your's instead of looking for work to try and earn some money so LIFE DOESN'T SUCK like you think it does. The ONLY reason I haven't felt spiteful enough to sabotage that game is because it's the only thing that SHUTS YOU UP.

Your daughter,
Mysty

P.S. Despite the raging vitriol that I don't let out nearly enough, you're still my daddy and I love you, but god DAMNIT, SHAPE UP OR SHUT UP.

P.P.S. STOP TRYING TO FORCE ME TO WRITE THE NEXT GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL BECAUSE YOU WANT TO GET RICH OFF IT. DAMNIT, I'M TRYING. YOU CAN'T JUST PESTER CREATIVITY INTO HAPPENING. BELIEVE ME, I'VE TRIED.

[Jester]

I'll actually be down there for my birthday with bf and a bunch of friends. June 13th -15th.

You'll just miss my birthday, June 8th, and my Recovery From My Birthday Day, June 8th. By the way.....Geminis rock!!!

Drop me a line when the time nears.


Dear Coworker #1:

You have been here a month. I am training you on the bar. Do not sit there and condescend to me about how things are supposed to be done, just because you've "been in the industry for ten years." I've been doing this for 21, so get off your fucking high horse and stop acting like you are too good to do certain things.

Dear Coworker #2:

You have been here a month. Do not sit there and condescend to me about how things are supposed to be done. I have been working here for well over a year, and will run circles around you. With a hangover. And a cold.

Dear Coworker #3: You have been here 2 days. You made my shift training you on the floor an absolute piece of cake by knowing just about everything you need to know and how to do your job. And you had a great attitude about 95% of it, too. Thank you. You rock. Can you talk to Coworkers #1 and 2 for me please?

Thanks.

Jester

[CaroPhoenix]

Dear assistant manager I work with in the morning,

Thank you for coming to work closer to 9 AM on Saturday mornings. Though once the warmer weather comes here, I won't mind waiting in front of the store for you to show up.

Also, you rawk! You are awesome! I love to work with you.

We should hang out more often. I'm definitely taking you to the local diner I've told you about. Just name the time and date.

Love,
IDaR

Dear Husband,

Thank you so much for helping me move the furniture with me last night - NOT. I had to do that today. I now have shooting pains going from just below my butt to all the way down my legs. I may not be able to walk again for a few hours. Even sitting here typing this to you isn't helping.

I will be curled up on the couch when you get home, crying.

I am not your manly mother,
IDaR aka Your Wife

[Rubyred]

Drop me a line when the time nears.

I will indeed.

Dear Ignorant Parent #1,

You really need to teach your child not to interrupt people. I do believe that every parent has a right to raise their child as they see fit but common manners are a pretty important lesson.

I love kids, all kids..even yours, but your daughters rapid fire questions are grating on my nerves.

Thanks
The Babysitter.

PS. Your son is adorable.


Dear Ignorant Parent #2,

Do you know why your son won't go to bed for you? I do. It's probably because you make bedtime into such a huge ordeal that he ends up getting himself worked up. He's 2. He doesn't understand that sleep is important. He just knows that you are making a bug fuss out of something and leaving him in a dark room for the night.

Put him in his PJ's and tell him it's time to have an elmo pajama party, sit with him in his room and watch the elmo video. He will be out cold in 15 minutes... every time. The first time I told you this you were astounded that this worked and you sang my praises for at least 20 minutes..yet you haven't tried doing it yourself. Why? It's not rocket science.

If you can't do it fine...but don't complain to me that you can never get him to go to sleep as well as I can. That's sort of sad. He's your kid.

Thanks
The Babysitter

PS. He's also probably old enough to feed himself.


Dear Ignorant Parent #4,

Dear god what do you feed your daughter? The child has the energy of 20 kids half her age.

Thanks
The Babysitter.


Dear Amazing Parents,

Thank you for doing your job. Your girls are a delight.

Thanks
The Babysitter

[Becks]

Dear Man of the Household©,

I love you. You know that. If I didn't, I wouldn't live with you OR be engaged to you.

However, you really need to get a fucking job. Please. I don't think it's fair to either of us that I'm the only one working. Get off your ass and apply at a damn grocery store. You say you miss working in seafood--do something about it.

Or maybe go back to school. You have two years left of a paid scholarship. You said before I even moved out there that that is something you've been considering. You still have your books in one of the closets at the other house. Read up.

Oh, and since YOU'RE the one that's home all day, clean. Sure, maybe some of my stuff is cluttering the rooms. Sorry about that. Put my stuff in a box and stick it in the second bedroom. I'll go through it. I promise.

Oh, yeah. Do your damn taxes. NOW. Stop snoring behind me and do it.

Thanks.

Love,

Your (not so) tolerant angel

[Evil Queen]

Dear Sucky neighbor to my right,

Please stop running your power tools! I understand you have to get some stupid little thing cut but can you please wait until AFTER 10am to do it?! I work hard and usually late so I'm still asleep at 7AM!

Tired of you,
-EQ

Dear Sucky Neighbors to the Left,
Please make your sucky children pick up their skateboards and rollerblades out of my walkway. My walkway goes directly to my door and is in no way in your way. I do not appreciate tripping over their toys on the way into my house.
If they leave their toys there again I will keep them for myself!

Toy-tripping,
-EQ

Dear Significant Other,
Darling, I love you but please stop asking me to do your laundry! The only reason I will consider doing your laundry is if I don't have enough of MY laundry to finish a load. I don't wear your clothes so you can just wash them yourself.

Love you,
-EQ

[draggar]

Dear person whom I was supposed to meet at their store this morning,

If I can make it across three counties during rush hour to make it to your store on time you can drag your @$$ out of bed an extra half hour earlier to drive 10-15 minutes to your store.

I have a lot to do and really do not enjoy sitting outside of your store for 45 minutes waiting for you.

Oh, and don't complain that the store isn't ready. If you were there on time, the store would have been ready for your customers when you open.

Dear cell-phone talking drivers,

HANG UP AND DRIVE

Dear people who try to get me into an accident,

Yes, I drive a company van, a big one. Cutting me off and then slamming on your breaks will NOT make me rear-end you. I know, times must be hard enough for you to try to commit a felony (insurance fraud) just to try to get extra cash. Also, as for the 4 counties I cover, my wife trains the police K9s for a lot of them AND a lot of police officer's personal pet dogs plus my driving record has been clean for almost 20 years. Guess who's side they'll take?

Dear people in front of me at the red, now green light:

GO! The light is now green. Now is NOT the time to go into the glove box or passenger seat to fiddle with something. The light is green which means GO. Don't sit and dick around with your shit. I have a lot to do and none of it include sitting behind a complete moron trying to remember what to do when the light turns green.

Also, when the light turns red STOP. I do not like sitting there when my light turns green only to have to slam on my breaks because you're too stupid to notice the light is red or in too much of a hurry to risk a major accident. Next time I should T-bone you.

Dear people auctioning domains on another forum,
Don't pot an "opening bid" unless you're willing to sell it for that much. Don't sit and tell people you're refusing their bids because it isn't enough. POST AN ACCURATE OPENING BID. Plus don't tell people that you will only sell it for the BIN (Buy It Now), if you want that much, sell it for that much.

Also, drop the ridiculous bid increments. An opening bid of $5 with $25 increments will mean you will sell the domain for $5 (unless it is really good), chances are it is not worth $30.