Dear....

[Saydrah]

This has probably been done here before, but it's currently going on another forum and has been really interesting. Basically, you write an open letter to anyone. I'll start.

Dear Cousin V,

Stop being so perfect! As if it's not enough that you're a beautiful twin, you run marathons, and are a concert violist, you go and join the Peace Corps? Stop it! I demand that you go drink yourself into a stupor and shoot a rifle at your own porch, or take up crocheting hats for earwigs. There must be SOMETHING about you that isn't perfect... right?

(Just kidding, really I am so proud of you and love that you are doing good in the world. But you ARE way too perfect.)

-Your Imperfect Cousin

[JuniorMintz]

Dear Attention Whores of the World-

PLEASE, just STFU already, you pathetic slags. Do you know how ridiculous you sound? Reading through and listening to all your made up bullshit is exhausting. You aren't fooling anyone-anyone with half a functioning brain, anyway.

I'm over it. You'll get no sympathy from me, so save your breath and keep that shit to yourself. For the love of GOD, keep it to yourself!

Love always,

JAM

PS I mean it. You really ARE that pathetic. Bitches...

[powerboy]

Dear Customers;

Please for the love of God, stop asking us what size unit will be able to fit your, insert room here. We have several different sizes. We are more then willing to show you the units. Plus, you know what. You can fit a lot of crap into whatever room. And also that the rooms are going to be different sizes.

[Jester]

Dear Manipulative Assholes of the World:

Stop fucking with people's heads. Stop screwing people over. Stop making it all about you you you, and maybe, just maybe, occasionally do something selfless and worthwhile for someone else, where you are not in some way benefiting. Stop thinking it is all about you. It isn't. This Life thing is a team sport. Stop fucking over my friends. I don't like it. Frankly, I get downright pissed off when people do that. Finally, when you get called on your bullshit, stop acting like a victim. You aren't innocent. You never were. And no one's believing your sob story now. It's just the same old bullshit, dressed up in new Woe-Is-Me wrapping paper.

Fuck off. You suck. Go away.

Jester.

[iradney]

Dear fatcells

Please stop expanding and multiplying. You're beginning to piss me off.

Love

rads


Dear South African government and monopolies

Thanks very much for gradually turning a beautiful country into a steaming disorganized mess. It's people and organisations like you that are preventing us from taking our place on the world stage. The police force is a joke. Our electricity provider didn't plan ahead for the demand we have today, and we have rolling blackouts - yet the big wigs are getting ridiculously huge bonuses.

The landline telecomms company is corrupt, absurdly expensive and slower than a sloth crawling uphill through peanut butter. With it's legs tied together. In winter.

Our violent crime is increasing at a ridiculous rate, but at least the politicians are doing something about it - by building HUGE WALLS around THEIR houses and hiring bodyguards!

This is why I am planning on leaving. I don't like having to wonder when I'm going to be the next robbery and rape victim. I don't like having to live like a prisoner in my own home. I don't like having to leave the country of my birth, but unless something drastic happens, I have to for my and my family's personal safety.

So, government and monopolies - DIAF.

NO LOVE

rads

[Jester]

Dear bigoted racist assholes, George W. Bush, the FCC, censors, race card wielders, Barry Bonds, hypocrites, abusive boyfriends, abusive girlfriends, cheaters, bad film makers, the Counting Crows, Michael Bolton, Hillary Rodham Clinton, thieves, incompetent bosses, bad drivers, Dick Cheney, Dianne Feinstein, Oprah Winfrey, the corrupt police officers, the Dodge Car Company, the City of Miami and most of its residents, the University of Arizona and their fans, Ohio State University and most of THEIR fans, people who say "it's a dry heat," bar owners that price gouge, Terrel Owens, Michael Vick, OJ Simpson, Lindsey Lohan, Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, Britney Spears, Osama bin Laden, country music singers, Jerry Falwell, Carrot Top, my middle name, Al Gore, Tipper Gore, New Gingrich, Arlen Specter, lima beans, and the assholes at FreeCreditReport.com,

Fuck off and die!!!

Jester.

[draggar]

(@Jester)

Dear people at other forums,

It is Draggar. Notice the A near the end. It is not Dragger (I don't go around dragging people), it's not Draggir or Draggor (WTF?). If you can't spell my name how the hell do you expect me to take you seriously?

-DraggAr.

Dear Clients;

I don't care about your life's story. I don't care about the fact that you've had nothing but problems with your laptop since the day you got it. I don't care that your sister's ex-boyfriend left because of it. Get to the goddamn point. Also, don't get pissy with me because I can't pull a part out of my ass and fix your problem 10 minutes before you go on vacation.

Dear criminals who run from the police.

QUIT USING MY NEIGHBORHOOD TO HIDE OUT. I'm sick of the helicopter flying over my house at 4AM. Don't also say "But I didn't do nutin wrong" (aside form the double negative). The police are after you for a reason and they don't send the chopper out for bad tags or a minor traffic violation. Also, quit crying police brutality. YOU are the one who ran from the cops, YOU are the one who fought with them while they were trying to apprehend you, YOU were the one who was kicking and screaming, don't cry when they slam your face on the pavement.

Dear annoying gawkers,

Just because he is a collie does NOT mean his name is Lassie nor is he a "Lassie dog". Also,

ALL DOGS BITE

It is stupid to approach a strange dog and just pet it, but you're an adult, you are liable for your own actions (well, technically not anymore. I'm liable for your own stupidity). At least teach your kids this valuable lesson, do not pet strange dogs and always ASK the owner if you can pet it. This lesson will be extremely valuable the next time they see a feral street dog.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Dear Department of Natural Resources,

Thanks for not hiring me. If you'd offered me a job, I probably would have taken it over the one I have now. And that would not have been the best choice. To say the very least. Thank you for basically dissing my credentials and saying I wasn't qualified.

My current job busted their asses to get me in here. They respect my skill and talent and treat me right when raise time comes around. If I'd taken the job with you guys, it would have been more state-sponsored horseshit and no money. Every fucking day I come in here I'm tempted to send you some flowers as a thank you gesture. So guess what?

Eat me.

Recovering Kinkoid

[Saydrah]

Dear Rats,

I have to give you morning meds while I'm already dressed in work clothes. Please stop wiping your mouth with your paws and then wiping your paws on my work shirts. It's embarrassing to explain, "Oh, that's just enroflaxin, and that spot over there, doxycycline."

Love,
Bringer of Fruit Flavored Antibiotics

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Dear Annoyed-looking Woman in Dairy section,

I gotta be honest with here. My two year old daughter's bobbing in the seat and chanting "meow meow meow" over and over and over is kind of getting on my nerves, too. I mean, just think, you've been listening to it for a whole 15 seconds. I'm clocking in at around 15 minutes, so yeah. It's annoying.

However, she's being good right now. If the meowing is getting next to you, I don't think you'd like her other sound much better.

I understand it makes you unhappy. If I make her stop, it would make her unhappy. Hmm...eeny-meeny-minee....

Ah, fuck it, I like her better than I like you, so I guess you're boned.

Recovering Kinkoid

[Slytovhand]

Dear Jester,

my middle name

...WTF???

Slyt

[protege]

Dear...

Idiots on my street. Learn how to fucking drive, OK? Last time I checked, it was *not* a superhighway. Speed limit is only 25mph, so I don't know where you all got the idea it was 90. We have too many little kids around, along with the dog-walkers, old people, not to mention myself (usually with the beat-up '59 Radio-Flyer wagon) on the street at various times. None of us wants to get hit by a car, nor do we want to scrape your ass off the road after you hit *our* cars, or end up on our property? You wonder why I have that ugly stone lion on the corner, plus the pile of rocks? Yep, to keep you idiots out of my yard!

This includes *you* who drop your kids off at the school, and then lay rubber out of there. While we're talking about the school...park in their lot, OK? I really hate to come home from work, and *not* be able to get down the street because you idiots can't park for shit! One side of the street is bad enough, but *both* sides? Also, if you're going to do that, don't be surprised if someone's had your car towed, or decided to vandalize it. People get upset if you're in their driveway, or *blocking* said driveway. I don't mess with your cars, but I will *not* hesitate to call the cops and tow your ass!

Further, let's not even think about the effects of a speeding vehicle on ice. Yes, we get snow here in PA. Yes, the street does get slick. Does that stop you idiots from suddenly going around the corner sideways...even with the aforementioned other vehicles and street users? I'm just waiting to wake up one morning to find a car sitting in my yard, or against the trees across the street. I'm sure my neighbor will be delighted to see that you've just totaled his brand new truck...

Love,
Protege

[Becks]

Dear married men,

Yeah, for some reason you want me. Good for you. Sometimes I don't blame you for that.

However, you are MARRIED. Hell, if the ring itself didn't tip me off, you've told me that yourself. Every once in a while I am observent and I DO pay attention to things I'm told.

I am engaged. While I don't wear my ring while I'm working, I do have it on my person. You've seen it. I've shown it to you before.

Learn to respect (in no particular order) your wife, yourself, me and my fiance. Any children you have, too.

I am not mistress material, and I don't think my fiance would appreciate what you said to me...in graphic terms. Maybe at first it was mildly amusing, but holy biscuit. Once you get THAT graphic, maybe you should look into writing erotic literature or participating in porn.

I'd tell you to eat me, but that's near the top of the list.

Go to hell.

[Myra]

Dear P:

Nobody in this town respects you. We all think you're a lazy asshole selfish pothead. We KNOW you totally screwed A in her car that night and we hate you because your wife is really sweet. Speaking of which, how the HELL do you sleep at night knowing she works her ass off, has worked TWO jobs to keep the house afloat, and you have yet to hold a job for longer than two weeks??

You just screwed over the best band you've ever been in and you are playing with your meth-head brother again? He sucks ass and every time you guys are in a band together it sucks ass. This happens when you've been doing meth long enough that you have suffered permanent damage. But you think he is so freaking awesome.

Wake up, you suck, you need your ego checked.

-Myra.

Dear Other People Who Work for My Company:

DO YOUR FREAKING JOB!

Thanks,
Myra.

Dear Paris Hilton:

I hope the crab lice carry you away in your sleep and your herpes sores get infected. You have officially set back the female gender about 50 years. I don't care how many people you pay to say you are smart, you are dumber than a box of hair. You are a waste of space on this earth who is only famous because your daddy is hella rich. You are a horrible person and I hope your dog chews your face off while you sleep.

Sincerely,
Myra.

[Shangri-laschild]

Dear Bitch

Know how you insulted to me infront of D after we met for just a second? You know, before I had even said anything to you to give you a reason to hate me. Know how you were friends with D and his brother J? Well J is my best friend. Remember insulting me infront of J in the check out line? It didn't help your case much when you insulted me yet again. (both times you insulted me to my face were while you were working too which was kinda dumb) Know how J is no longer answering or returning your calls? That's cause you're a raging bitch. Oh yeah, and he likes me better. Next time you want to be friends with people, maybe don't blatently repeatedly insult the person who lived with them for a while and is better friends with them then you are. By the way, you can stop giving me dirty looks every time you see me. It's not my fault you hate yourself and have decided to take it out on me. I personally am happy with who I am. Good luck with that though.

Love,
Me