The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Mytical]

Dear Ms. Procrastinator
William? The name you wanted on the cake, according to the cameras we have installed was roughly 'Yeserman', which was in very slurred speech. Do you not know your own child's name? As for the cake taking two hours, yes that is very incorrect. You wanted a 5 layer 20"x20" at the base cake. Two hours wouldn't not have been possible. I am afraid your requests have to be denied, and since you drunkenly cursed out and threatened our employees..you are hereby banned from our stores. Child protective services should be stopping by soon to chat, as you was witnessed driving away with your child in the care..while drunk I might add.

Yours truly,
Mr. Getalife
CEO of "The cake is not a lie"

================================================== ==

Dear Shopping Centre
I have never been so insulted in all of my life. I came into your establishment, and proceeded to buy six carts worth of goods. Well, ok..I forced your employees to..by giving them a list, demanding that they do my shopping while I got my hair done. I'm very important you know, and have to look good. Well, it took them an hour to get it done! The nerve. As if that was not bad enough, when I went to check out..the closest checkout was a 20 item or less lane. There were three other isles open, but I did not feel like walking..and being so important knew the 20 items or less was meant for others..not myself. The cashier asked if they could separate my order to a couple of lanes!! How dare they! Don't they know I have to check the price of every item, and if it is even a cent off send somebody to check the price?!!

I want your cashier talked to about customer service, my entire purchase free, and personal shoppers every time I come in to your store..for life. Or I will take my business elsewhere.

Yours truly,
Mrs. Highenmighty.

[shankyknitter]

Mrs. Highenmighty,

It is not the responsibility of my employees to do your shopping for you. Nor is it remotely appropriate to demand my entire staff be at your beck and call for the duration of your shopping trip. Also we are a dollar store, your six carts worth of product amounted to just under $30 as most of the items were large. It is now my gleeful duty to tell you to that you are hereby banned from our stores as our entire chain has determined you to be an entitlement whore who isn't worth our time and effort.

That goes double for your mother,
G. Etoveryourself

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Whirlygigs inc-

I bought a pinwheel for my daughter to play with at your location. After all the shiny foil made the perfect gift for my precious 3 month old princess. She tried to eat it and your pinwheel cut my snookem's mouth! I demand compensation! The employee that sold it to me should have done more than tell me it was inappropriate for a child my daughter's age! I demand that they are fired right away for allowing a child to come to such harm.

- M. Otherofyear

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Otherofyear,

My employee was in the right when she told you that the pinwheel was not appropriate for a 3 month old. Your compensation request is denied and the employee who sold you the pinwheel has been promoted to shift supervisor.

Sincerely,

Whirlygigs Manager



Dear Pretzel Factory Manager,

I came in right before closing to buy some soft pretzels and was served by this generous and handsome young man. I decided I had to have him so I waited in my car until he left and followed him home. When I got there, I was steamed when I saw him with another woman in his house so I used a wrench to smash his car windows and a knife to slash the tires. I demand you tell this young man to dump his woman and date me or I'll buy my soft pretzels elsewhere from now on.

Sincerely,

S.T. Alker

[XCashier]

Dear Ms Alker,

Thank you for your informative letter. We were especially fond of the return address, and we gave the whole thing to the local police department. Expect a visit from Officer Friendly, complete with lovely shiny matching bracelets, and a lawsuit from my employee for damages to his car.

Very sincerely,
Steele Spine, manager, Pretzel Factory

*****

Dear Groceries-Я-Us,

I was buying my weekly groceries, and the young lady ringing my order up was wearing the most beautiful choker I'd ever seen. Naturally, I wanted it, and asked her for it. She refused to give it to me, saying it was a gift from her late grandmother! What poppycock! The customer is always right, and I wanted that choker, so she should've given it to me!

I demand a gift card for $1,000,000, and that choker, and the firing of that rude bitch for not giving me her own personal property!

Sincerely,
Ann Titlement-Whore

[Grape The Cat]

Dear Ms. Titlement-Whore:

We are not allowed to force employees to give you their personal property. In addition, it is not a lie that the cashier received the choker from her deceased grandmother. Her grandmother worked for us, and gave it to her granddaughter as a high school graduation gift. We have also reviewed the security camera footage of that register, and that footage showed you attempting to rip off our employee's choker. Your harassment and attempted theft has caused me to ban you from the store. Your requests have been denied.
Sincerely,

Lois Prices
store manager
Groceries- R-Us
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Dear Motel 5:

I went into one of your establishments and i was treated so rudely that it pains me to put the whole experience into words. Firstly, your rude employee had the gall to tell me that just because my reservation was from ten months ago that you are no longer holding the room! Then, when I asked for a first floor smoking room with a mini-fridge and two king-sized beds, your extremely rude employee told me that they had none available. I told them just to make a non-smoking room a smoking room and to give me a discount because of the horrible customer service I had experienced. The employee told me they could not do that, which i know is a lie because my roommate's sister's cousin's friend's former roommate said that you could. And she worked in the hotel business. I demand that my room cost be refunded(I didn't stay with you but that's your fault) and that from now on a room that meets my wants be held for me because I am a platinum member of your club.
Sincerely,

Sasha Payne-Diaz

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Payne-Diaz,

We can only hold rooms during the reservation times unless other noted. We can't promise that a room will be available since other guests also reserve our rooms but your money for the room will be fully refunded.

Sincerely,

Hotel Manager



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I went to the service desk, told the employee that an item rang up incorrectly, and she had the nerve to tell me that she needed to check the price. She should've taken my word for it since I'm the customer and the customer is always right. I want this employee retrained on the importance of good customer service. I also want a $40 gift card to make up for having my time wasted or I will never shop at your store again.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Honest

[Grape The Cat]

Dear Mrs Honest:
Our employees have to check prices because, if there was an error, it needs to be fixed and the price-checking will ensure that any errors are corrected. This is company policy. We will not punish employees for following company policy. Therefore your request for a gift card has been denied.
Sincerely,
Bryce Checker
store manager
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Dear Burger Prince CEO:
I went to one of your locations the other day and ordered a Grilled chicken sandwich with watercress and arugula on a low-carb bun and a glass of white wine. Well your rude waiter told me that they do not do custom orders and do not serve alcohol. Excuse me? I am the customer and therefore always right, I am not a high school drop-out earning minimum wage. I say what I want and your employees make what I want. That's how customer service works. I demand that that waiter be fired and that I get a $50,000 gift card.
Sincerely
Sue Perior

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Sue Perior:

Please accept our apologies for your poor experience, along with this coupon for a free chicken by-product and limp lettuce sammich and a glass of cooking wine.

Billions served, but how many eaten?

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Dear Burger Kate Middleton:

I was rudely thrown out of your restaurant today! Something about a fire caused by the fry cooks changing the fryer oil and putting in motor oil or something. My burger-eating experience was RUINED!

Give me free food for life and the deed to the restaurant.

Sue Persizemee

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Dear Ms. Persizemee-

We're very sorry to hear of your dissatisfaction with our service. After reviewing your complaint and an investigation into the matter, it was determined that temporarily closing down the restaurant to deal with a serious safety issue was in the best interest of all concerned.

Also find enclosed a coupon for an all expenses paid trip to the Moon . . one way.

We look forward to serving you in the future . . .

Regards-

Ms. Crispy Critter
VP - Burger Kate Middleton

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Dear Computer Shoppe-

I just recently purchased a computer from you but after I got it home it wouldn't turn on. I called back and a smartass employee had the nerve to tell me I had to push a power button to make the computer work.

I may be ignorant but I ain't stupid . . . computers are supposed to be smart enough to turn themselves on. I thought everyone knew that.

And of all things, I was also told they have to be plugged up. I thought that's what a power supply was for . . . to provide power without having to plug it up into the wall.

I demand a new computer and the employee fired for my troubles.

Sincerely-

I. Iz Adumbasse

[ravevolution]

Dear Mr/Mrs Customer,

I'm sorry that your vehicle is a piece of sh*t and that years of neglected maintenance and disregard on vehicle ownership, (beside the every once in a while oil change) has caused it to smoke,squeak,shutter,cry in pain and fail to function. I am further disappointed that your expectations in how long it would take to find and fix the problem in the 30 mins you had free were not met. Maybe next time we should call in a medicine man from the outskirts of the Amazon to put 'a bandaid on a knife wound' so you can make it to your highly important appointment with colleagues at the bar and drink your brain cells away.

Despite our best efforts in the one hour you requested the problem to be fixed, while you yelled at our sales staff about how much longer it would take to solve the issue, our surgical team of technicians had deemed it a lost cause and inputted a time of death.

We here at the autocenter suggest other forms of transportation such as the public bus system since your vehicle is real danger to not only yourself but to other drivers on the road. We have notified the EPA as we believe it is potentially the next “Chernobyl”

And please inform us if you find any shop who can do an entire brake job on your highly expensive European vehicle in less than an a hour besides conjuring wizards from the nether world as we would like to know what deals they have made with the evil lord of the darkness to make such promises.

Lastly we would like to offer you a coupon towards the purchase of a brain.

The ‘doesn’t know crap about cars or customer service’ Manager.

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Dear Auto Center Manager

I brought my very expensive European vehicle in to your shop for a diagnostic cause I was too cheap to take it to the dealer. I was very angry that it took your mechanics over an hour to find why my engine had fallen out. I was even more disappointed that the cheap tires I had bought for it 10 years ago did not last the 100,000 miles I wanted them to last, even though I never checked the tire pressure or rotated the tires. No one told me that I had to do maintence on my vehicle, I figured since I take it to your shop that after I left a pit crew would follow me every where I went and would jump out at a moments notice as soon as a problem arisen.

On top of that that I am disappointed that I would have to pay to get the honkin huge ass steal pipe flat fixed on the tire cause I did not buy the warranty and feel I should not have to pay since I bought them from your autocenter 10 years ago. Your sales staff was very rude to me when I continually yelled at them as to why it was taking soooo long to fix my car. That’s why no one come to your shop anymore cause I can get a new engine installed down the street in 5 mins at a competitor and for only $20 dollars. I had to miss a very important meeting and feel I should be compensated for my time. I am also going to write a letter to corporate, every news station and people at my AA meetings.

Sincerely,
Speshful C*ntomer

[purplecat41877]

Dear Speshful Customer,

There are such things as car rental places. You might want to go to one so you can have a car while yours gets fixed-which'll be about a month.

Sincerely,

Auto Manager



Dear Tea Store Manager,

I recently came to your store to buy some of your wonderful tea. When I got there, all of your employees were helping other customers and I was in a hurry to get to my bank job, so I cut in line and one of your rude employees told me I would have to wait in line. I told her that she needed to serve me now since I work at a bank and she refused. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and my next purchase for free or I'll shop online from now on.

Sincerely,

I.M. Patient

[Grape The Cat]

Dear I.M. Patient,
Our employee was in the right for telling you to wait your turn. The fact that you work at a bank is irrelevant. We will not fire the employee who waited on you, and have given her a raise. Your request for free tea has been denied. Have fun shopping online.
Sincerely

Earl Grey
Tea shop manager
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Dear cable TV company:
I am writing on behalf of my daughter who is on a fixed income. She is a single mom who has four kids. Additionally she just lost her job. Yet, your heartless tactics are making her despondent. She owed $2,898.99 on a phone bill, after several months you disconnected her service. She paid $2.00 to get her service back on which is more than enough. Yet your heartless company would not turn her service back on. It's deplorable what you do to single mothers with children! If you do not cancel my daughters remaining fees and turn on her service i will contact the media and the attorney general. In addition i demand two years of free service with premium channels for her and for me and for me and that you pay the therapist she has to see now because she can't watch the Lifetime Movie Network.
Sincerely.
Ann Tenna
S

[Syriilord]

Dear Ms. Tenna,
I regret to inform you that your daughter engaged in a legally binding contract with us in which we provide her with our services in exchange for regular payments from her of an amount listed on her bill. Perhaps if she had not spent 3 weeks trying to order a pizza delivery from Yinchuan in China, her bill would not have been so unreasonably high.
By all means, feel free to contact the media, they are always looking for new 'Oh, Those Crazy Crackpots' stories. The bill stands and we expect payment in full, especially if she wants to be reconnected.
Sincerely,
Aristotle 'Telly' Fone
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Dear Sir,
Who do your staff think they are, telling me that they cannot and will not deliver a pizza to me? Should it matter that I am in Nashville, Tennessee and you are in Yinchuan? No! Should it matter that you do not sell pizza? No!
I am a customer and you are required to serve me. I demand a free pizza delivered to me this evening as well as coupons to compensate me for this outrage. It is the LAW that you give me what I want.
Sincerely.
Nom Tenna

[XCashier]

Dear Ms. Tenna,

I have reviewed your laws on the internet and nowhere does it state that I must deliver a pizza from China to the USA. Unless we could get Doctor Who to loan us his TARDIS, it would be impossible for it to arrive in any kind of edible condition anyway.

In the words of one of your great Southern philosophers, "Kiss mah grits!"

Sincerely,
Fu On Yu, owner,
Fu's Fine Fish Market

****

Dear Store Manager,

Ive been tryin to get hold of you. But everytime I call you, I get the phone machine. I hang up cuz I dont wanna talk to som machine, I wanna talk to a person! When are you gonna call me bak?! This is bad costomer servis! I demand comp commp a gift card for my truoble!

Sinseerly,
Ann Onymous-Caller

[purplecat41877]

Dear Miss Onymous-Caller,

We use the phone machine to make sure you get the right person to speak to. Therefore, your gift card had been denied.

Sincerely,

Store Manager



Dear Glass Store Manager,

I was recently in your store with my two children and they were bored so I told them to play with the glass figurines. When I got to the counter, your rude employee charged me for the figurines since my children decided to throw them on the floor which caused the figurines to break into several pieces. I demand you remove this charge since my children were playing with the figurines so they wouldn't be bored. If you don't do this, I will come back when you're closed and smash all your glass items.

Sincerely,

B.R. Okenglass