The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[XCashier]

Give me a personalized written apology (no form letters!), at least $1,000 in gift cards, and that sexy devil Irving Patrick Freleigh for one night. I'll do things to him that will make his co-workers bow before him like the hunky god among men he is.

Coed Naked

Dear Irving,

Great prank! Too bad it isn't April 1st. Oh, and next time, you might want to try typing the letter; I recognized your handwriting right off the bat.

Ah, what the hell, you made me laugh. Let's go get a beer after work.

TTYL,
Manager

* * *

Dear Manager of Sparky's Fireworks Tent,

I wanted to get loads of fireworks for the Fourth of July, but your rude employees wouldn't even let me enter the tent! Just because I was smoking my cigarettes, they demanded I stay back fifty feet! Damn it, I'm the customer, I'll smoke where I want to! Now I missed shooting off fireworks for the Fourth. I want free fireworks for the next ten July Fourths, and you to fire that rude employee!

Sincerely,
Smokey Toomuch

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Toomuch,

We won't be firing the employee since you were told not to smoke near the tent for safety reasons. Also, we will not give you free fireworks.

Sincerely,

S. P. Arky
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I scanned my items through self checkout and selected credit as my payment option. I was steamed when it gave me an option to enter my pin or press enter. I demand this step be eliminated if credit is chosen. If you don't do this, I will break into your store after closing and smash all of your pin pads to pieces.

Sincerely,

C. R. Editcard

[JustaCashier]

Dear Irving,

Great prank! Too bad it isn't April 1st. Oh, and next time, you might want to try typing the letter; I recognized your handwriting right off the bat.

Ah, what the hell, you made me laugh. Let's go get a beer after work.

TTYL,
Manager

FTW!

Mike

[Grape The Cat]

Dear Mr. Editcard,
Many of our customers have cards that can be used as credit card s or debit cards, sometimes they like to get additional money back, which requires, in most cases, a PIN number. We are sorry that you are frustrated with the way our machines are set up, but that is the way the machines are set up. We have reported your threat of burglary and vandalism to the local police.
Sincerely,
Chuck Roast
Store manger
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Dear Rest stop,
I stopped in your location yesterday and was appalled at the level of service. First of all, tour rude cashier insisted that I wait in line. I have kids! I can't wait in line! Secondly, when i ordered a glass of red wine your cashier told me you do not serve alcohol. Thirdly, when I went to get my daughter a Hannah Montana DVD at your shop, I was told you did not have it. This is sexism and discrimination and illegal and immoral. What I want done: Have the cashier fired, always serve me first whenever i come into your location, always serve me wine and devote at least 60% of your store's floorspace to Hannah Montana DVDs. If you do not comply, i will start a class action law suit.
Sincerely,
Sue M. All

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. All,

There are other customers besides you, we aren't allowed to serve alcohol because children shop here, and we have no room for any DVDs. Therefore, your requests have been denied.

Sincerely,

Rest Stop Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where do you get off arresting me? It was the fault of your employee standing in front of the self checkouts. I told her to scan my items and she had the nerve to tell me that I was supposed to scan them myself. I was steamed at her, so I put my items in a bag and took them without paying. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and a $200 gift card to make up for my arrest. If you don't do what I want, I will continue to take items from your store and not pay for them.

Sincerely,

S. H. Oplifter

[Iseeyouthere]

Dear S. H. Oplifter.

Do you know what self-serve means? Also, do you know what stealing means?
I'll give you a hint: One involves not being lazy and one involves a heavy fine and possible jail time.
Hopefully, you are smart enough to know which one is which.

Sincerely,
Supermarket Manager

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Dear Bookstore manager.

I am disgusted that your staff forced me to pay for several books which I didn't want to buy.

All I wanted was a few pages from them because they were my favourite parts. I carefully pulled them out and did not damage the book in anyway.

The staff informed me that I was "damaging" the book. I didn't damage it! They can just replace the pages easy. I worked in a bookstore once and I know for a fact that you have boxes of spare pages out the back. I only took a few pages out of each book. How hard is it to replace them?

I demand several requests to be done for the way I was treated:
A $200 gift card
Free books of my choosing
The employee who told me I was damaging the book to be fired.
The supervisor on duty who made me pay for the book or else they would call the police to be fired.

If you do not comply with these requests, you will hear from my laywer and will be sued.

Sincerely,

I. Rip Pagers

[XCashier]

Dear Book Mutilator,

If you did indeed, as you say, work for a bookstore at one time, you would know darned well that we do not have spare pages in the back or anywhere else!

You fail. And you will not get what you want, because our lawyers can beat up your lawyer.

Sincerely,

Barney Noble, bookstore manager

*****

Dear Slurp 'N' Burp manager,

I ordered a meal from your establishment, and wanted a coke. Your cashier told me you didn't have Coke, only Pepsi. Well! I am the customer and the customer is always right! I think it's downright rude that you don't carry the product that I want, and I won't take rude behavior, so I slapped your cashier across the face.

Next thing I know, the cops eating lunch in the dining room are arresting me for assault and battery! How dare they! All I was doing was standing up for myself.

I will not accept this at all. I demand that you bail me out of jail, fire that rude girl and carry Coke products from now on!

Sincerely,
Ann Tagonist

[Sarlon]

Dear Ms Tagonist,

We will do no such thing.

Please find enclosed a restraining order on behalf of our employee, and a free lifetime subscription to anger management weekly.

yours unhappily,
surrey brup

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Dear Big chain movie theater,
I went with my poor infrm mother to one of your movies the other day with her in a wheelchair, and was highly insulted that you yanked the two of us from the theater!

The peon who pulled us out was saying things like "pay for your ticket!" and some such nonsense!

I've been going to your theater for YEARS and have always gotten free tickets when I take my mother!

I demand this policy be reinstated for the caretakers of the elderly, and free concessions for life!

yours hatefully,
Elma Waddle

[Iseeyouthere]

Dear Mrs Waddle.

The 'peon' in question happened to be me, the manager.

Thank you for identifying yourself. We have checked the security tapes of the last month and found you entering with a ticket on two other seperate occansions.

You are now banned. Your mother is not.

Have a nice day.

Sincerely,
Dabig Screen, manager.

--------------------

Dear owner of Customerssuck.com

I am writting this on behalf of the Customer Rights Anonymous Program when one of our trusted and loyal member (Username IRLurker111) and we are DISGUSTED with this site.

The stories that these inhuman peons spread are filled with lies, set to cause grief to us, the loyal, paying, always right customers! Some of our member even recognise some of these stories, heavily twisted to support these uneducated drop-outs.

One of our members, Username "Tun0Neal0Vison" recognised the story where the rude employee dared to point out a sign that said "No coffee today. Sorry". Mr Vison informed us that he was offended that he had to READ. Unacceptable! It was clearly the EMPLOYEE's fault and the employee should of been FIRED!

Another of our members, "1mmaSt0rm" noticed the story where she was declined a service from the peons stating that the power had 'gone out' due to a passing thunderstorm. How dare those things say they can't control the weather! It was beyond poor service and we have boycotted the entire business until our demands are met ($500,000 for each day we don't go to their store).

This site is a disgrace to our rights as customers and we at Customer Rights Anonymous Program demand it be SHUT DOWN RIGHT NOW!

Further more, we demand that you track down these worthless peons and drop outs who have posted comment and stories alike and FIRE THEM from whatever pathetic job they may own!

For each day you do not shut down this site, we will be suing you for 10,000 each hour and contact the news, the FBI, our lawyers, our families and our friends and we will FORCE you to shut down!

Sincerely,
Customer Rights Anonymous Program
We are C.R.A.P and proud of it!


(I had way... WAY to much fun writing all that. )

[purplecat41877]

Dear Customer Rights Anonymous Program,

Our members need a site to vent about people like you and we will not get them fired. Therefore, we will not shut down our site.

Sincerely,

The Secretary



Dear Clothing Store Manager,

I was in your store selecting some clothes and I since I don't like fitting rooms, I started undressing over where the back wall is so I could try the clothes on. One of your rude employees told me to use the fitting room and I told her to mind her own business. She had the nerve to call security and have me removed from the store. I want the employee and security guard fired for being rude to me, an $800 gift card, and my next purchase for free or I will come back and slice all of your clothes to ribbons.

Sincerely,

D. R. Esser

[Grape The Cat]

Dear D.R. Esser,
Our fitting rooms are where you try on clothes, we do not allow undressing in any other part of our store, except for the bathrooms, which you cannot enter with unpaid merchandise. As the employe and security guard were doing their jobs within company regulations we will not fire either of them, your request for a gift card is also denied. Your threat to damage our stock has been forwarded to the police department. You are hereby banned from the store.
Sincerely,

Dee Cency
store manger
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Dear O.G.I. Monday's:
i have suffered terribly because of the wanton abuse and carelessness of your rude and imbecilic employees. First of all whenever I order an alcoholic drink your idiots insist on carding me. I'm 42, not some loser teenager with a fake ID. Second of all, when i refuse to show my ID your idiotic employees don't serve me. Third of all, when I demand to see how my tofu and bean sprouts are cooked i am told I can't go to the kitchen, and some nonsense about health regulations. That is nonsense I have college degrees! I am smarter than your employees, furthermore I am the customer and I am always right. Fire all your employees and give me and my family free meals for life at all of your locations or I will report you on my blog.
Sincerely,

I. Bea Vain

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Vain,

We have to card all customers who look under 40 if they want alcohol and the employees were right about not allowing you into our kitchen due to health regulations. Therefore your requests for firing the employees and free meals have been denied.

Sincerely,

Food Manager



Dear Theatre Manager,

You had absolutely no right to kick my boyfriend and I out of the movies. All we were doing was sitting in the back row making out. Those other customers who complained about us need to learn to mind their own business. I want free movie passes and free refreshments for my boyfriend and I for life or we will never come to your theatre again.

Sincerely,

Miss Makeout

[Grape The Cat]

Dear Miss Makeout,
Those other customers were trying to enjoy the movie, which you and your boyfriend prevented them from doing. In addition you were warned about your behavior twice by an usher, but you persisted. Our corporate rules allow us to kick out anyone who is creating a disturbance or hampering the enjoyment of the film for others. Therefore your requests are denied.
Sincerely,
Roland Film
Theatre manger
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Dear Butcher Shop,
YOU ARE DISCRIMINATING AGAINST VEGETARIANS AND VEGANS. I WANT TO SEE VEGETABLES IN YOUR SHOP OR I WILL CONTACT THE ACLU. IF YOU DO NOT STOP SELLING MEAT I WILL BURN DOWN YOUR STORE, YOU WORTHLESS IDIOT!!!!!
NOT SINCERELY,
RUSSELL SPROUTS

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Sprouts,

If you'll step next door, you'll find The Green Grocer, a very nice produce store. I highly recommend their salad bar.

As I said, he's right next door. He doesn't sell meat, I don't sell vegetables, we don't step on each others' toes. Have fun.

Sincerely,
Butch R. Block, owner
Butch's Meats

* * * * *

Dear Manager,

I was at your store buying hundreds of dollars of school clothes for my perfect precious little angel daughter and one pair of pants for the other child that came from me, whatever the hell it is. My little angel was rather rambunctious and talkative, as many children are, and was a wee bit sassy with the cashier when she wanted to buy a few trinkets. Cashier refused to ring up her sale, saying she didn't like being called a bitch or some such nonsense. I was horribly embarrassed and ended up buying the items myself, and scolding my darling daughter. Now I think of it, the cashier was vastly out of line for defending herself. Who doesn't get called a bitch now and then? I certainly hear it several times a day every day!

I demand a million dollars for my pain and suffering, and to allow my precious darling daughter to beat the crap out of that horrible cashier, or I will never shop there again.

Sincerely,
Terri Bull-Parent

(Yes, I based that one on a recent post.)

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. Bull-Parent,

Our employees reserve the right to refuse service when necessary. Therefore, your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

Store Manager



Dear Craft Store Manager,

Where do you get off not hiring my daughter? She's 16 and needs a job to help pay for the car that she plans to buy. I demand you hire my daughter and allow her to make out with her boyfriend and talk with her friends on the job as much as she wants. If you don't, I will start an online petition to get you fired and the store shut down.

Sincerely,

A. P. Ronstrings