The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Grape The Cat]

Dear Mrs Spoiled,
Due to limited space we do not have space for customer restrooms. However there is a 24 Hour McDonald's across the street and a 24 hour Wal-Mart down the street. We have tape of you telling your child to relieve herself in our store and we will release it to the proper authorities. If you come into our store and deliberately damage our products you will be charged with theft. Your demands are denied.
Sincerely,
Minnie Mart
owner
Minnie's Mini-mart
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Dear Drug Store,
i went into your store and I am very appalled at your level of service. First of all your rude employee asked me for a loyalty card. i don not believe in being in the system of Big Brother, and I am appalled your employee would dare ask me to be part of your soul-sucking corporate empire. Secondly when I asked for some marijuana and cocaine, your rude employee told me they were illegal. This is false advertising! You are a drug store! You should sell drugs! I later got arrested buying some drugs on the street. i demand that you stop your loyalty program and pay my legal fees because I never would have been arrested if your rude employee had served me properly I also want a $20,000 gift card to make up for the pain and humiliation of that night.
Sincerely,
Mary-Jane Coke

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Coke,

We sell prescription and over the counter legal drugs and most of our customers enjoy our loyalty program so we will not stop it. Also, the employee was right about marijuana and cocaine being illegal. We also had nothing to do with your getting arrested. Therefore, we won't be paying you anything.

Sincerely,

T. Y. Lenol
Manager



Dear School Principal,

Where do your teachers get off telling my daughter to do her homework? She is very busy with her music and doesn't have time to do homework. I demand you tell the teachers to do her homework for her. If you don't, I will hire someone to wreck your school.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Mother

[Grape The Cat]

Dear Mrs. Mother,
All students have to do their homework, it is a factor in calculating a students grade. It would not be fair to other students if your daughter did not have to do her homework. I understand that students may have other interests outside schoolwork, but we cannot make exceptions. We have reported your threat to destroy our school to the authorities.
Sincerely,

Ed U. Cates
principal
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Dear MalMart,
MY PRINCESS WAS IN YOUR STORE ON HALLOWEEN AND DRESSED UP AS THE PRINCESS THAT SHE IS!!!!!!! HOWEVER HER HALLOWEEN WAS RUINED BECAUSE OF YOUR SCROOGE EMPLOYEES!!!!!!!!! THEY DARED ONLY GIVE HER SOME CANDY!!!! EXCUSE ME???? MY PRINCESS GETS ALL THE CANDY SHE WANTS!!!!!!! SHE IS A PRINCESS AND YOUR IDIOT EMPLOYEES MUST DO AS I SAY AND AS SHE SAYS!!!!!! WE ARE THE CUSTOMERS!!!!!! WE ARE ALWAYS RIGHT!!! ALLOW MY PRINCESS TO GET ALL THE CANDY SHE WANTS, FIRE ALL EMPLOYEES WHO DON'T GIVE HER ALL THE CANDY SHE WANTS AND GIVE ME A $15,000 GIFT CARD TO MAKE UP FOR THE TRAUMA MY DAUGHTER SUFFERED!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU DO NOT DO THESE THINGS I WILL REPORT YOU TO THE MEDIA AND NEVER SHOP AT YOUR STORE AGAIN!!!!!!!!
SINCERELY!!!!!!!!!
MAYA DAUGHTER-SPOILED

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Daughter-Spoiled,

All children get the same amount of candy so it will last. Therefore, we will deny your requests.

Sincerely,

Store Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I went to a checkout lane, put my items on the belt, and your rude employee told me she was closed. I told her that it was illegal to tell customers she was closed and that she had to ring me up. She told me it was time for her to leave and walked away so I ran after her, pulled a knife on her, and forced her to ring me up. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and arrested for committing an illegal act. I'm a lawyer and I know my stuff. If you don't do as I want, I will press charges against your employee myself.

Sincerely,

L. A. Wyer

[Sarlon]

Dear L.A. Wyer

Thank you very kindly for bringing this to our attention. Please find enclosed a nice shiney new set of handcuffs to be personally delivered by our neighborhood policemen. You have also won a life time supply of banhammer, we will be paying a real lawyer to represent or employee whom you threatened so openly, infront of 2 cameras and 3 witnesses.

Sincerly,
Mr. R. L. Awyer

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dear big name bank,

I'm simply appaled by the level of service I recieved by your call center the other night. I simply called in to see if my money had been placed on my unemployement card yet. and they had the GALL to say they had no idea when the money would be released. I told the associate that I was an important person and that they had better find out that information for me or I'd hunt her down in what ever podunk little town she lives in and kill her, then sue ALL of you for this!!!

Hatefully,
Irving Reginald Smrt

[Grape The Cat]

Dear Mr. I. R. Smrt,
We do not know when exactly this deposit will be credited to your account because we have to make sure the funds are available in the depositor's account. Thank you for sharing your name with us, as your death threat has now been turned over to the local authorities.
Sincerely,
Nick L. Andime
Customer Service Supervisor
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Dear Food Store,
i was at one of your locations and had a most unpleasant experience. I bought some store brand clothes detergent and tried to use a coupon , your idiot employee tried to tell me that the coupon was only good for Tide. In this economy I think you should bend the rules so that people who are struggling don't have to follow insane policies. Also your cashier, who is an idiot dared ID me for my Merlot, I am not some college kid with beer, i am a smart, sophisticated lady and I do not need to show your idiot employees any ID whatsoever, when I told your idiot incompetent employee this she refused to sell me my wine. Excuse me? I am WELL above the age for buying alcohol and I am offended at the notion that your lowly employee DARE question me. To make up for the heinous injustice done to me I want a $500 gift card, the employee I dealt with fired, and a handwritten letter of apology from your CEO. If you do not give me what i demand i will spread the word on my blog and tell all my friends of your unfair and moronic policies.
Sincerely,
Della Olivia As-Isay

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. As-Isay,

We regret to inform you that mix-and-match for coupons simply doesn't work. We wouldn't get the reimbursement we need for the coupon from Tide if we sold you something else, then used the Tide coupon. They would tell us no, and therefore we must pass the no on to the consumer. I'm sure you understand.

And as one of my less . . . wise employees once bended to the will of a teenager who demanded wine, our license was nearly pulled. I personally fired that employee and brought in a specialist to retrain all of my cashiers on proper liquor sales. My assistant informed me that your cashier, Wanda, did exactly right and therefore she will be declared employee of the month.

As for informing the C. E. O., that would be me. If you defame us on the Internet, we will sue you for libel. Please consider yourself free to shop elsewhere, with our blessing. I will personally send you coupons from our store to use on their merchandise.

Cheers and have a happy day,
Crystal O'Cleary,
Crystal's vision food mart C. E. O.

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Dear Witch's Brew:

I went to your sickening store to go Christmas shopping for my family, because it was the only store in town I hadn't been to yet. Every other store in town refused to accept my seven debit cards. When I went shopping for presents to celebrate the birth of Our Lord and Savior, what did I find in your store? Goddess worship music! And crystals! Books on how to cast spells. Tarot decks on display! Not a Christ to be seen. Not a bible in sight! And the staff there were telling people "Happy Solstice." Happy Solstice? This is Christmas, damn you! Now I demand you get rid of all that Satanic stuff you sell, fire your employees, and get good, decent, hard-working, clean-cut white Christian men! I also demand a 5,000 gift card, and to see you at my church, the Holy Cathedral of Holier Than Thou, on your knees begging forgiveness. First from me, and then from God!

Sincerely,
Father Mal Content.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Father Content,

Our store sells witchcraft items since we are a witchcraft store. Therefore, your requests are denied and none of my staff will be attending your church.

Sincerely,

Head Witch



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came to your store to do Thanksgiving shopping. When I was checking out, your rude checker had me try out the pin pad since it broke earlier and it froze just when I was about to sign on it. To make things worse, your rude service desk employee had the nerve to ring me up for just the total. I needed the receipt to find out what I saved on each item especially the turkey and I waited in line for 40 minutes. No one knew how to do that but mentioned that my daughter, who works there but was off, might be able to figure it out. Later, the rude supervisor had the nerve to call me at home to let me know that they couldn't retrieve my original receipt. Also, she told me that my credit card might be double charged. I demand a $400 gift card, my next order for free, and the employees retrained on what to do when the register freezes or I will only shop in your store when my daughter is working.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Guineapig

[RottenFruit]

Dear Mrs Guineapig,

unfortunately the wait times before holidays such as Thanksgiving cannot be avoided here in the United States. We do have to apologize for the inconvenience as a firmware update was installed as the firmware of the pinpads was vulnerable to a certain exploit. As such, it could not have been unfrozen even when your daughter was working there. We will attempt to make the staff aware of such updates again should the need arise to do so.

Kind regards,
C. Lone,
Store Manager

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To Whom it might concern,

I called your internet provider yesterday as the internet was broken and the representative was unimaginably rude to me. After we made the internet work again which required him to give me some technical instructions, I asked whether he thought that I was stupid as he explained that resetting something called the router helped. I am sure that he did something on his end and just led me through this ordeal because he was inept and unable to do this quickly. To that question, he just replied that he was not allowed to answer rhetorical questions. I think that this was a very rude reply, especially as it took about three hours to get me to it and constantly interrupting me talking about and to my cats to do more of that technical stuff. I demand this technician to be fired and a handwritten apology from him.

Regards,
M. Moron

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Moron,

I am dreadfully sorry to break the news to you, but the employee to whom you refer is in the hospital. You see, you literally talked his ear off, and we had to call in a medical team to save his life from the blood loss. Then we had to call in a janitorial team that specializes in disaster cleanup, to take care of the massive blood all over our call center.

Review of his call with you is impossible because our computer systems were ruined by the blood. But we can extrapolate, because his nearest co-worker and the new girl he was training were sitting beside your cust. service rep, and told us the vast majority of the inane babble you call conversation. She required headache relief pills - 8 of them. He required a martini, and a shot of vodka, and a . . .

Therefore, our union will not allow me to fire the poor employee, and instead demands his medical bills be covered to the penny. We also require recoupment to replace our technical equipment.

So I hereby gladly send you a bill for two million dollars. The majority of it is medical bills. Please ensure direct payment within two weeks.

Angel Ickboss, Vice President of Operations,
Swiftwind Internet Service.


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Dear Cat's Meow Pet Supply:

I went into your store the other day, and was greatly offended by three of your employees, Catherine, Leo, and Felix. I'd visited your store a couple of other times while price-shopping, and decided to go in and make a purchase because I liked your low prices. I also noticed that your store allows people to bring in their pets. But the only pets I ever see are cats.

So I came in with my dog, Killer, a pit bull. No, he didn't have a leash on him. He goes everywhere with me, but when I came into the store, do you know what happened? First, Killer went after some of the cats, which was good clean fun. But then a group of cats stood up, and slapped him. Repeatedly! They seriously hurt my Killer, as if they didn't want him there! And your employee, Catherine, came over to Killer, and she removed the cats from him. Yes, she did get her hand scratched up, but I don't care. That's her job! Do you know what she said? "Please get that dog out of here!" Can you believe it! The utter gall? I've never been insulted in my entire life!

But I didn't have to get Killer out. The cats all ganged up on him again and chased him out. A Siamese even continued to beat up on my poor little pit bull until he jumped into the car to get away from her! When I tried to shout at the cat owners, they shouted back at me, told me my dog had scared their innocent little masters! Well I never!

So I stormed over to Leo and demanded to speak to a manager. He said you were out to lunch and would be back in a few minutes. He offered to take my phone number, but I just pushed him down into a decorative fish tank most of the cats in the store were watching!

I asked another employee, Felix, where the dog food was, and he said your store only sells cat things! How disgusting! I am so offended I can't stand it! Then Catherine comes to me and says she's called the police and the ambulance. That made me feel better, until the policeman showed up. All the cat owners told the cop that they saw me push Leo into the fish tank. So I ran from the store and got into the car. I saw the ambulance and tried to give them Killer, but the paramedic said she wasn't interested in a dog. She was there to help a man who'd been badly cut by broken glass. The cops came out, looking for me, so I got into my car and drove away.

I've never been so insulted in my whole life! I demand Killer's vet bills for the scratches be paid to the penny, and a lifetime supply of your best dog food! If you don't do this, I'm going straight to the press! My nephew's ex-girlfriend's brother is a lawyer and my hairdresser's daughter's husband is a t. v. reporter!

Signed Mrs. Luna Tick the third.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. Tick,

Enclosed is a bill for the damage of the fish tank and the injuries of our 2 employees. Also, if you want dog food, go to a dog store since you're no longer welcome here. Also, we are pressing charges so expect a visit from the police sometime soon. Enjoy your time in prison.

Sincerely,

K. Itten
Manager



Dear Hardware Store Manager,

I came to your store to buy a tote and also put several other items in the tote. When I got to the checkout, your rude checker had the nerve to open the tote and ring up the items inside. I should've gotten them for free since I could fit them in the tote. I demand you train your employees to trust your customers by not looking in the totes or I will open all of your paint cans and throw the paint all over the store.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sneaky

[Redbeard]

To the dear Mrs Sneaky,
Ma'am, this isn't Fallout: New Vegas. I would suggest increasing your anti psychotic meds while searching for another store to shop at.

We know where you live,
Ham R N'screws, CEO
The Hardware store



My dear peon,
As you know, I pay for your service, therefore I am your lord and master.
how DARE you tell me that I am unable to order "Miss Kitties whips and tails for nauty boys" on PPV simply because I am 113 days past due on my bill! The NERVE of it all!
As you know, I pay more per month than you make in a year, I know so becasue I read it on the intertubes.
Now do something about this IMMIDATELY!

Yrs,
William S.Cammer

[XCashier]

Dear William S. Cammer,

We will be more than happy to rectify the situation. As of now, your cable TV is canceled. Enjoy your blank screen!

Sincerely,
Kay Bull-Teevee, president
ID-10-T-Box Television

* * * * *

dear mcdonalds,

i got a Happy Meel with a toy i didnt want so i asked the employee for another toy in the display and she sed they werr out but the toy wuz in the dispaly so why did she say they werr out thats not fare i asked agin and agin and she kept sayin they werr out so i want my monee bak and i want that toy gimme that toy

sinseerlee,
Ken Nott-Listen

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Nott-Listen,

The display toys are only for display and your refund is denied. However, we will let you know when we get in the toy you requested.

Sincerely,

B. Urger
Manager



Dear Zoo Owner,

I was recently in your zoo and enjoyed looking at the animals. However, your rude employees displayed horrible customer service. They refused to give me a straw and gave the excuse of not being allowed to have them. The drink spilled on me when I tried to take a sip so I took off my dress right then and there. One of them had the nerve to call security and have me ejected from the zoo. I demand you retrain your employees on customer service and give me a free pass for life or I will release all the animals.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Straw

[kansasgal]

Dear Ms. Straw;

I have scanned the video of you in the zoo on the day that you mentioned. As you were by the elephant exhibit, we had to escort you out as the male elephants were trying to climb the fence to get to you. I'm sure you understand that mating season is now upon us and we do need to be careful about these things.

Sincerely,

I.M. Manager

Dear Grocery Store;

I was in your store yesterday and I bought some nuts, they were supposed to be broken walnut pieces but there were WHOLE nuts! I cannot eat WHOLE nuts! I can only eat BROKEN nuts! Why did you lie to me about the nuts? I demand groceries for life for the trauma of having to see WHOLE nuts! I have never seen WHOLE nuts before and it has left me blind!

Ms. Nut Eater