The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Andrew B.]

Dear Mrs. Greedy,

There has been a corn shortage in the area for the last couple months and it is a fast selling item. We had to put up a limit to help keep up with demand without raising our prices too much.

As for the employee, we will not fire her, and she has gone to the police to make a formal complaint. Thank you for giving us your name and address to help with the process.

Lucky Day

---

Dear Toys-B-We,

I was wanting to get the new My Diminutive Equine toys for my daughter when I saw several grown men purchacing several of these toys.

How dare you let these obvious child molestors into your store. I demand you forbid them from entering and a $5,000 dollar gift card for my pain and suffering.

yours,
Peri Noid

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Noid,

Of course you saw a bunch of grown men purchasing them! It was Christmas Eve, and all of these men have 2 things in common: Daughters, and a tendency to shop at the last minute. You have endured neither pain nor suffering from this, so you shall not be getting a gift card. But I will give you a telephone number: 1-800-999-9999. It's the open line to my therapist.

Cheers.

Sincerely,

Laytoya 'Toy' Jacks.

__________________________________________________ _______________


Dear World of Terror Halloween fun show:

We were walking through your place with our children on Halloween night, and what happened? We were attacked by horrible monsters! They came out and tried to touch my family! One of them even had the nerve to say boo! Your people are so horrible, they made my daughter cry! She's only two and a half years old. You have no right to scare little kids like that! It's inexcusable!

I demand that you apologize and give me five thousand dollars, or I'll sue! And my brother's hairdresser's cousin is studying law, so he'll mop the floor with you!

Signed:

Lackinal Judgment.

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Judgement,

Seriously?! You took a toddler to a show advertised as "Extremely Frightening, Recommended for ages 13 and over" and you're surprised that she got scared?!

I will not be refunding your purchase price. I will, however recommend a very good remedial reading class. Please find the information enclosed, and have someone read it to you.

Sincerely,
Frank Enstein, owner,
World of Terror Halloween fun show

* * * * *

Dear ShopMart,

Your store at 123 Main Street is liquidation because it is moving to a new location. Well, I went there last Saturday night to get some household appliances, and you didn't have anything that I wanted! In fact, your store was about three-quarters empty and had nothing in it but junk nobody would ever want, even at 90% off!

I am very disappointed that you didn't stock your store. I demand that you give me $50,000 for my inconvenience.

Sincerely,
Kent Understand-Concept

[Tama]

Dear Kent Understand-Concept,

We are liquidating the store, therefore there will be no stocking and I am afraid we'll be unable to offer you any money. Actually, I'm quite glad about that part. We're not able to even order for stores that are liquidating! Please try to remember this in future.

Sincerely,
Clark U. Onnahead, Store Manager
Toasters n' Coffeemakers

*******

Dear Megamartamus,

The other day I was in line and kept repeatedly being told by the cashier that the line was closed. She had been chatting with the person in front of me and complaining that she had been standing there for 4 hours with no break, too, so I was doubly offended and told her as much. Imagine my horror when she had the nerve to say that she could not control what offended me.

I want her fired immediately and I wish to be compensated for my trouble!

~Dumassa Hatrack

[Kristev]

Dear Ms. Hatrack,

Our investigation into this event indicates that the person the cashier was speaking to was an assistant manager who had just happened to have finished a consumer out with their gun purchase and was returning to his office when the cashier called him over to inform him she had been passed up for break - again.

Corrective action is being taken - against a CSM who continually refuses to send employees to their breaks and keeps them waiting. But the despicable things you said to the cashier, in the presence of the assistant manager, is probably why the assistant manager called from security to have you escorted out. The cashier had done nothing wrong. We should know - the assistant manager was right there by her side during your entire tirade. You are banned until you apologize to our employee for your abusive language.

G. Y. Ent, Store Manager.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Scent of Heaven,


I went into your store the other day to go out and buy some of your wonderful Pumpkin Spice handsoap on Halloween. But when I get there, you allow some teenage girl, who dressed like a skank, to buy the last bottle. I tried to take it from her, because I am a high-class lady and she's just a teen brat. Disrespectful girl took it back and purchased it, then had the nerve to ask the clerk for a gift box because it was a surprise present for her overstressed mother. Present indeed! And your clerk, Kevin, had the nerve to take the girl's side despite all my protests. He must be gay to work in a place like yours.

Keeping his eyes on me, he walks the girl to the door, and only after she's gone does he return to me and offer to help me. I complain about the girl taking the last bottle of Pumpkin Spice handsoap. Kevin calls for a lady, Bernadette, and asks her to go check in the back if there's anymore Pumpkin Spice, while he takes me around the store and tries to trick me into buying other things. He shows me the Pumpkin Spice perfume, massage gel, and bar of soap, and shows me several other handsoaps. He even brings me one he says is brand new, the Cinnamon Surprise, which looks all Christmassy. It's Halloween! I don't want Christmassy! Naturally, I smack it out of his hand, and watch it as it crashes and explodes everywhere. This makes me feel so good that I start throwing all the bottles I can. Kevin tries to stop me, until a bottle hits his head. Lazy worker passes out. Bernadette comes back, saying she found one bottle, but then she sees me throwing other things, and her good for nothing homo co-worker sleeping, and instead of being a good girl and giving me the bottle, she grabs a phone and calls the police! The police!

Of course, I take the bottle and run. Or try to, but I slip on some Triplemint Sister shampoo that was in a glob on the floor, and I crash into the door. I still run, mainly because Bernadette then starts trying to help that lazy gay boy.

I demand a lifetime supply of Pumpkin Spice handsoap, full payment for my medicals bills because I slipped and fell, a thousand dollar gift card, that you fire Kevin and Bernadette, and that you have someone around to clean up! Your store's a complete mess! All that bodywash, gel, soap, and shampoo all over the place makes a very slick floor!

Signed:

Oh no you don't! You won't trick me! I won't give you my name! I'm mailing this letter with City Hall's address so you won't know who I am, and I'm not including my phone number or my name. No pathetic retail store will ever get the better of High Madame Whineona Vandalette! No Siree!

[Andrew B.]

Dear Ms. Vandalette,

We are pressing charges for assault, destruction of property, and theft for your antics. Also, don't rant in your closing "I'm not telling you anything" signature. It gives off too much information.

Enjoy your time in prison,
G. Scent

------------------

Dear Gameplace,

How dare your peon not give me the game I wanted when I demanded it. I don't care if it wasn't supposed to be sold for another three days, I wanted it now so I can have the jump on everyone else. I demand the game and $100,000 for my frustration.

Nos T. Reetdate

[static]

Dear Mr Reetdate,

We apologise for any inconvenience caused. Unfortunately, Gameplace ceased dealing with the flow of time in 2014. All time related complaints are now processed by our subsidiary, H.G. Wells & Co.. We have forwarded your complaint to Dr Emmet Brown, Head of Customer Care and Flux Capacitor Troubleshooting. He will get back to you to resolve the issue either next or last week.

Please be advised that H.G. Wells & Co.'s Time Traveller programme has been temporarily discontinued due to Morlock attacks.

Regards,

Gameplace.


___________________________________________

Dear BigShop,

I am absolutely disgusted with the level of service I received. I politely asked if one of your staff could assist me in my shopping while I went to get my nails done, she was extremely rude and told me no! She was only sitting at the register serving other people who aren't nearly as important as me, so it's not like she had anything better to do. You should fire her for being lazy. As no one would help me, I actually had to carry my shopping myself and strained my wrist. This upset my son so he started crying and throwing things on the ground, and once again your staff did nothing to help.

I demand compensation for my medical bills and my son's therapy. I have never been so offended in my life.

Mrs. C. Hunt

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Hunt:

It was Black Friday when you went to our store, and we only had the one employee to work our entire store that day. She was busy cashiering, and while she would've liked to help you, we couldn't have afforded to lose so many sales. It would cut our profit margin far too much. We might have even needed to hire a second employee, and we just won't do that!

We apologize. We were going to have robotic valets to make it unneccessary to carry your own groceries out, but it was decided somewhere along the corporate chain not to do this as it would cost too much money. We are dreadfully sorry that you had such an unhappy experience, and we'd be glad to give the employee a warning, as well as send you gift cards. However, we cannot send you any gift cards because your son destroyed a valuable display of the hottest electronics. The amount of money we lost is going to be... unfortunate for our workforce. Please come shopping again, as we'd love to have your business.

Signed:
Third assistant manager I. M. Overpaid, fifth link in the store's corporate chain of the ten levels of management.

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Dear Temptations:

My new boyfriend and I went to your shop today to pick up hot new toys to spice up our love life, but when we get in, not only are your hostess and all your staff fully clothed, the hottest thing there is the Chinese chicken hot wings with sweet and sour sauce. As your hostess all but forced me and my boyfriend to our seats, she gave us these long menus, whistled for a passing waitress, and expected us to read the menus ourselves! I have never in my life...! The waitress came out, and when she asked us if we'd like anything to drink, we ordered wine. She then asked us if we'd had enough time to read the menus yet. We told her it was bad enough we were being forced to eat, and we weren't going to be forced to read, too! So we asked her what the best thing on the menu was, and she said that she personally loved the deep dish three-meat pizza, smothered in olive oil, combined with the cinnamon breadsticks and the Supermilkshake. We order that.

The food arrives and we eat it to the last bite. However, during our meal, I get curious and I steal a menu from the table next to us so I can have a look at what else there is to offer for dessert. Much to my disgust, I notice that you haven't got one healthy thing on your entire menu! After demanding and drinking a second bottle of wine, and shouting at your good for nothing, lousy waitress until she's reduced to tears and flees, I march up to your hostess and complain. She offers to comp our meal, at first, until she notices it's almost entirely eaten. Then she apologizes and says that the whole point of Temptations is to put the fun back in food so people will remember what good food tastes like. The bland, dull, but completely healthy food can be found next door, at Dr. Tasteless's place. Then the hostess goes to talk to the waitress and ask her why she didn't explain this place to us, but the waitress takes one look at us and turns on the crocodile tears again. The hostess turns to us, and asks us to please sit down, and has the nerve to suggest that we've had too much wine. Then she takes the waitress off the floor, and we don't see either one again. In fact, we're so mad, my boyfriend suggests we just leave then and there, without even paying, which we do. We will never come back to Temptations again! You're completely deceitful! And by the way, we want to make a reservation for 7:30 next Friday night because my mother's visiting me from Chicago next week. She'll just love this place.

I demand compensation in the form of free meals for life and a million dollars!

Signed,
Miss Sherry Brandy Rabbitt & Mr. Ken Key Enabler.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Miss Rabbit + Mr. Enabler,

We are a restaurant, not an adult store. We are denying your reservation but your mother is welcome to come if she chooses. Your waitress is in therapy because of you. Don't ever come back or you'll be arrested for theft and trespassing.

Sincerely,

Restaurant Manager



Dear Women's Clinic,

I came to your clinic to find out the gender of my baby. Your rude doctor told me I was having a boy and I want a girl. I demand you send me something that'll change the baby's gender. If you don't, I will hire someone to destroy your building.

Sincerely,

P. R. Egnant

[MoonCat]

Dear Ms. Egnant,
Here is the phone number of a local adoption clinic. We strongly urge you to put your baby up for adoption as he will no doubt live a much longer, happier life without you and your entitled attitude. We have also sent your personal information to the police and the FBI, as threatening to destroy a building is a crime.

Ms. Options, Clinic Director

---

Dear Restaurant Manager,

On a recent visit to your restaurant I was seated outside on the patio. I ordered a glass of water and as I was enjoying my drink, an ant had the nerve to crawl inside my purse, which was on the ground next to me. This is unacceptable!! When someone asks to sit outside you need to make sure there is no wildlife that might assault them! I asked for a lobster dinner in compensation for my trauma and your staff grudgingly complied, but I find this insufficient in light of the offense. I demand another lobster dinner as well as the keys to your car, and free dinners for life at your restaurant!!

Sincerely,
Mrs. D.I.P.S. Hit

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Hit,

A review of our cameras revealed that you put those ants there yourself by breaking an ant farm! So many patrons were injured that day, but nothing happened to you. What kind of person are you? We wish you a lousy Christmas and a dreadful New Year.

Sincerely,

Ms. Capable, Manager of Garden of Paradise restaurant.

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Dear Escapes Cinema:

We went to go see Jaws 5 the other day. Much to our disgust, the film was horrible. It had nude girls, and it had people being eaten! And it had loads of foul language! Plus it had shootings, and plenty of blood.

It made me so upset that I had to smoke. And I dropped my cigarette and had to light another!

My little five year old should not have been exposed to that filth! How dare you show this film in your cinema? When I went to speak to your manager, the manager's assistant told me that he was busy putting out a fire in the cinema. And your assistant manager was angry with me, me! For hiding my kid in my coat so that the employees didn't know he was there, so I didn't have to pay for him.

Well, that was that. I grabbed the assistant manager, pulled her close to me, and
said that I wouldn't leave until I saw the manager. Then the woman began screaming for help, so I hit her over the head and took her to my car.

You will get your assistant manager back when I get compensation for the horrible movie, a formal apology for letting my five year old see it, two millions dollars, free passes for life, and my five year old. There wasn't room in the car for him.

Signed,

Mrs. C. L. Ever-Schemer.

[Redhead17]

Dear Mrs. C. L. Ever-Schemer,

We at Escapes Cinema would like to apologize for the meer fact that you could ever had thought Jaws 5 was appropriate for a five year old. We are also very sorry that you could not read that this was a "Adult" cinema center and that Jaws 5 was one of our most popular films. Due to your smoking habit you have burned down our cinema center killed the assistant manager, and that poor woman, not to mention several people watching the new film release of "Fifty Shades of Gravy". We will infact be sueing you for 3 Million Dollars, and a socail worker will be taking BOTH of your children that you left at the cinema. We at Escapes Cinema are very sorry for your experience here.

Sincerly,

J.R. McLovin, Manager


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Dear Travel Zoo,

My Husband and two wonderful children were at the zoo this weekend and I coud not believe what your zoo did to this family. First my children wanted to see the monkeys and the monkeys were WooHooing right in front of them. How dare you let them see such a vulgar act, and when I went to complain to on of the people at the popcorn stand he said he could not do anything about it and that I should find a person who takes care of the animals. I do not have any time for that. So as I rushed my children away from that horrid display, I noticed that my little Lukey was missing. Why were not you there to guide him straight back to me as soon as I noticed he was gone. I looked in the otter pen and he was in there. He must have climbed over the fence and jumped into the pit. You really should have some safty measures to prevent this kind of thing. Then all he wanted to do was hug the otters and one of them bit him. When one of the staff member went into the pen to get him out they were being rude to my son by grabbing him and carrying him out. He could have gotten out himself. Then one of the people viewing this said to me he should know better. How dare you allow her to say such a thing to me about my little Lukey, he only 13 after all.

I want the monkeys and otters to be euthanized, I want you to pay for the doctors bill for the rabias shot, and a million dollars for having my husband cheat on me with on of your slutty employees.

Signed,

Mrs. Candi Bar

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. Bar,

Your 13 year old son should better than to enter an otter pit and your children are your responsibility. Therefore, your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

Travel Zoo Manager



Dear Plumbing Company,

I broke my kitchen garbage disposal so I could get a handsome man to fix it and fall for him. However, I was steamed when you sent a woman so I sent her away since women know nothing about plumbing. I demand you send me a man who is single and handsome. If you don't, I will continue to send plumbers away until you do.

Sincerely,

Anita Date

[Andrew B.]

Dear Ms Date,

We are not an escort service. This is not a porno set and we primarily hire women. Check the personal ads if you're that desperate.

Signed,
Nota Porno

*****

Dear KGMR Elemantary School,

Why did your security escort me from the building? I was just there for a conference that morning. I was pretty sure that it was on that day. I also wasn't that drunk and the students were in no danger. Threatening me with the police was unnecessary. I want $1,000,000 and the teacher's head for my humiliation.

Druk Anddisorderly.

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Anddisorderly,

The knife you wantonly brandished about, and pulled on Mrs. Jenkins when she wouldn't agree to start dating you again, probably had something to do with it. You are banned and the cops have already been called.

Signed,

Paula Rose Olivia Fessor, headmistress.

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Dear Madame Stella,

I went to your shop for a psychic reading. With your playing cards and crystal ball, you told me that I would meet the woman who'd change my life forever, but that once I found her, I wouldn't want her anymore. Your last card, the Queen of Hearts, you said meant I should stay with the woman I was engaged to at the time.

Well, I went to the place where you said I'd find this new lady when the woman I was engaged to wouldn't give me what I wanted anymore. I met this new lady, and we hit it off. We got married. But you didn't tell me that she'd ruin my life! The woman stole all my money, got me kicked out of my ex-fiance's apartment, cost me my job, disrupted my life, and took everything I had. I tried to go back to my fiance, but she called the police!

I blame you for all of this, Madame Stella. If I hadn't been to see you, I'd have never met that harriden of a woman. I demand you give me a million dollars, and free readings for life. But they always have to be good readings. Just tell me the good stuff.

Signed,

Sol X Tiver'earing.