The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Dio,

First, your vehicle is a 1997 Plymouth Grand Voyager. Second, we are only allowed to install brand new stereos into cars. Since you bought your stereo in September and it is now August, that means your stereo is 11 months old. Either you can buy a new stereo from us, or you could get your mechanic's electronics guy to install in your van.

Sincerely,
Daewoo Kardon
Store Manager, Big Box Electronics

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Dear Friendly Animal Hospital,

I took my cat to your clinic last week. Despite giving him medicine every day as you prescribed, he died yesterday. I called your office and the person who answered said that since he was 27 years old, he was on borrowed time. I demanded to speak to your office manager. All she said was, "meow."

I want a new cat. I also want you to fire your office manager, Ms. Meow.

Sincerely,
Felix Lybica

[Tyg3rW01f]

Dear Mr. Dio,

First, your vehicle is a 1997 Plymouth Grand Voyager. Second, we are only allowed to install brand new stereos into cars. Since you bought your stereo in September and it is now August, that means your stereo is 11 months old. Either you can buy a new stereo from us, or you could get your mechanic's electronics guy to install in your van.

Sincerely,
Daewoo Kardon
Store Manager, Big Box Electronics

Mr. Daewoo Kardon,
Thank you for your polite and business-like response to my inquiry. I will investigate the options you suggested.
Also, your business has not only earned my praise, but my loyalty.
Signed,
A. U. Dio

(( We gotta have ONE DECENT Customer letter, riiiiiiiight?))

[catcul]

(( We gotta have ONE DECENT Customer letter, riiiiiiiight?))

Dear Tyg3rW01f,

No, we don't. This game is called the "Customer Complaint Letter Game." It's fun to come up with a response to a ridiculous complaint and then come up with another ridiculous complaint. That car stereo letter was a good one.

Since nobody responded to my last ridiculous complaint, I'll reprint it here.

Sincerely,
Catcul

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Dear Friendly Animal Hospital,

I took my cat to your clinic last week. Despite giving him medicine every day as you prescribed, he died yesterday. I called your office and the person who answered said that since he was 27 years old, he was on borrowed time. I demanded to speak to your office manager. All she said was, "meow."

I want a new cat. I also want you to fire your office manager, Ms. Meow.

Sincerely,
Felix Lybica

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Lybica,

Enclosed is a list of adoption center since you mentioned that you want a new cat. Also, our office manager was right about the cat being on borrowed time since most cats don't live past 20, so she won't be fired.

Sincerely,

A. N. Imal
Vet Manager



Dear Restaurant Manager,

I recently came to your restaurant with a group of friends and we all enjoyed our meals. However, I was offended when you put a gratuity charge on the bill. I should be able to tip as much or as little as I want. I want you to stop putting gratuity charges on the bills or my friends and I will spray paint the front of your restaurant.

Sincerely,

O. P. Tionaltipper

[sms001]

Dear Tionaltipper,

Thank you for voicing your concern over our billing policy. I'm afraid that "gratuity" charge is a bit of a misnomer common in our industry. The correct term should be "bribe." When you and your friends come to our establishment, rearrange tables to suit yourselves, ruin other patron's visits with your loudness, and monopolize the waitstaff's time for hours, there is an understandable reluctance to wait on you and your ilk in the future.

Therefore, to insure that you are served quickly and efficiently to remove you from the premises as quickly as possible, we promise the waitperson extra money. Rather than pass this cost-of-business along to unentitled diners, we go to the source.

re your offer of redecorating the business exterior: if your painting skills are anything as deplorable as your table manners, we must regretfully decline.

Sincerely,

Gem 'GTFO' Ofamanager
__________________________________________________ ____________________________

(Sadly, almost word-for-word true story

Hey stupid hardware store!
I gotz me one of ya'lls chainsaws just a few years ago and it don't work right.
I tooked it in to wheres I bots it and they told me I hasta oil and sharpen it and all sorts of other crazy stuff, and that I can only use it on wood, not metal posts. What kind of scam are youz runnin'? Gimme a new chainsaw that won't need all that work!

Lazily yours,

Wood Billy.

We gotta have ONE DECENT Customer letter, riiiiiiiight?

No, we don't.

Aw, c'mon cat. I know we're pretty cynical here, but ONE in forty plus pages? That seems reasonable.

[Tyg3rW01f]

Mr. Billy,
Had you been intelligent enough to inform our sales clerk of your complete lack of understanding of all things mechanical, the sales associate would have recommended you purchase the Gen'Sherman 1864 Razitall Savanah, which DOES cut everything from firewood to steel railroad ties to even bricks with little more than a flip of a switch.
However, I must inform you that while the Customer is always right, Management is fully within it's rights to decide who is welcome to remain a "Customer" and who is not.
You, Sir Billy, are welcome to curse our competitors with your patronage; should you enter our establishment again, Security will escort you from the premises.
Signed,
ACME Hardware
G. Patton, Manager, Gen. US Army, Retired

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((See the post in Speechless da Frell?!! Face on the story behind this one))
Dear Cheapah Pizzah Co.
My friend and I recently came to your establishment with the intention of purchasing dinner. We were informed that your establishment could not make our 30 supreme pizzas in 30 minutes.
I demand you not only fire your entire, grossly-skinny staff at the store in question (all of whom need to eat at least a dozen pizzas themselves), but I demand you find a way to make 30 pizzas in 30 minutes.

Signed,
Unreas Onable

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Onable,

I did try to contact my good friend the Doctor to see if I could borrow his TARDIS kitchen. Sadly, he's off fighting Daleks so I doubt I'll be seeing him for a while. Meanwhile here on Earth, time moves at the pace it normally moves at, so there is no earthly way to make thirty pizzas in thirty minutes.

I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Means "no".

Sincerely,
Han Tossed, manager,
Cheapah Pizzah Co.

* * * * *

Dear Craft Store,

You know the city has banned plastic bags, so when I last went shopping, I put all the merchandise in my purse, then I left. I did make the little mistake of bypassing the cash registers, but so what! You had no business apprehending me as a thief! IF you hadn't banned plastic bags, I wouldn't have had to stash everything! Sure, I could've used a shopping cart or basket, but what's the fun in that?

I demand that you give me a public apology and a $100,000 gift card for my trouble.

Sincerely,
Robin Yourstore

[Kristev]

Dear Ms. Yourstore,

While it is true that there is a plastic bag ban, we generously offer reusable cloth bags at no cost instead. So you had no excuse. And that you did it right in front of one of my teenage employees, then you tried to bribe him with a one dollar bill! What kind of person are you? Luckily, the employee did the right thing. He phoned his mother - a police officer, then turned the bribe over to my assistant and told him what you did. So when his mother caught you, you have only yourself to blame. Enjoy your prison, criminal, forever and ever.

Sincerely,

Lacy Wicker,
manager of I felt terrific craft emporium.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear public library,

I am disgusted that you people banished my son and I from the building, and I absolutely refuse to pay this gigantic bill you've given me. There is no way in the world that I am going to pay for all this, not one orange penny!

It is not my fault that your toilet cannot handle a full roll of toilet paper, began to run and refused to flush. I insisted that my boy be absolutely clean because he's just the messiest sort of kid. Nor is it my fault that your sink was clogged up with too many paper towels. When your toilet overflowed, it ruined my son's clothes and I had to wash them all, and as soon as I was done, he ran away crying, so I didn't have time to get them out of the sink or turn the water off.

And what right have you to put a smoke detector, let alone a water spraying system, up on the ceiling of a library? I just made my son give me one little cigarette, and I lit it up. The librarian said the most awful things to me, and asked me what kind of a father I am. I want her fired for that! How disrespectful. As soon as I lit up my smoke, the alarm went off and water sprayed on everything.

My son's trip to the library to do all the research for the project that was due the next day and that he only had a month to do any of the research for was completely ruined when the library flooded. Sure, I kept telling him he could use the computer at home when I was done with it. It's not my fault that the only way to watch the ball games these days is on the Internet and the kid is in bed before their over. His tough luck. The librarians chased us all out, and worst of all, they called my own mother, and my ex-wife.

My ex-wife told me that my visitation days are over and took my son with her, and my mother dragged me home by the ear.

I demand compensation, the termination of the entire library staff, a lifetime pass, and a free Internet-ready computer reserved exclusively for me! Oh yes, and remove the smoke detectors and the water sprayers.

Signed, Burnard Waters.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Waters,

This letter was forwarded to us in the city attorney's office. We are currently handling your case right now.

First, it does not take an entire roll of toilet paper to clean yourself after using the toilet. Anybody over the age of 5 would know that. Also, there is a laundromat two buildings east of that branch of the library. You have no excuse for clogging the city's sinks to wash your son's clothes. Since your son has apologized to the library staff, he is welcomed back to the library. We will not pursue any charges against him.

The state requires all government buildings to have a fire suppression system installed. You were in violation of the law when you started to smoke in a public building. The library has the words "No Smoking" in 1 inch letters on the front door. The state doesn't want a fire that started in one of its buildings to burn down neighborhoods. When you lit that cigarette, the smoke detector detected smoke, alerting the staff and patrons of the library and the fire department. It also activated the water-based fire suppression system. Unfortunately, it ruined quite a few books that will need to be replaced. It also forced the city to close that branch for a week while the library's staff assessed the damage to the books and other property.

As for the family drama, our office will not be involved. I do suggest that your son should have started his project earlier than the day before it's due.

We sent this letter along with court documents via sheriff's deputy. I'll see you in court.

Sincerely,

Simon Shuster
Office of the City Attorney

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Dear Honda,

I bought your Whisper Quiet Generator in case our power went out. Last week, our power was knocked out by a severe thunder storm. We put the generator in the living room and fired it up. It worked like a charm. After an hour, we started to get dizzy and headaches. Suddenly, the carbon monoxide detector went off and alerted the fire department. The firemen told us that there was a dangerous amount of carbon monoxide in the house and the source was your generator.

I demand that you pick up this spawn of Satan generator. I also demand that you refund our money and compensate us for medical bills and the fire department's bill.

Sincerely,

Ash Fougue

[Tyg3rW01f]

Dear Mister Fougue
We at Honda Corp, USA, regret to inform you that we are disinclined to acquiesce to your request. Means "no".
It is clearly labeled upon both box and generator that the "Whisper Quiet" Mk 7 is NOT to be used indoors.
Besides such, we shall use your story to our monetary advantage by using it in our advertising.

Monopolizingly Ours,
Honda USA

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Makers of Twilight,
My daughter recently committed suicide because she could not be Bella. Why did you create such a horrible -pot film?! You clearly knew it would cause this type of problem.
I not only demand a refund for the eight tickets my daughter purchased, but you pay for her final expenses.
Singed
B. Ad Parent

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Parent,

I'm sorry to read about the loss of your daughter. I did not write my books, nor did the studio make the movies with the intent of people with clinical depression to commit suicide. I wrote pieces of fiction. It's quite obvious that she was showing signs of clinical depression that you have ignored. We will not refund the money for the movie tickets, nor will we pay for your daughter's final expenses. I only hope that the movies gave your daughter some joy in her miserable life.

Sincerely,

Stephanie Meyer

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Dear Apogee,

I recently bought your game called "Rise of the Triad." This game does not take place in Greensboro, High Point, Winston-Salem, or any of the surrounding neighborhoods. It takes place on an island off the coast of California called San Nicolas Island. Thus, it doesn't take place in the Triad. Also, there is no abandoned monastery on that island, but an active naval base.

This is deceptive advertising. I demand you refund my money immediately.

Sincerely,

Thomas Scarboro

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Scarboro,

I'm sorry for your dissatisfaction with our product. Therefore we will send you a refund since you can't simply enjoy a fun game.

Sincerely,

Apogee Manager



Dear Department Store Manager,

I was in your store buying some items. When I was ready to pay, I went straight to the register. Your rude employee had the nerve to tell me that there was a line and that I need to wait in it. You need to teach your employees to respect their elders or I will scream over the loudspeaker.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Elderly

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Elderly,

Our security officer watched the video recording in the store. Not only did you barge your way through to the front of the line, you stepped on a little girl's foot, pushed a young but paralyzed man's wheelchair down the escalator, and kicked a seeing-eye dog on the way!

You already did scream through the loudspeaker, and continued even after one of our employees took the thing apart and the police carried you away.

Please take these coupons for our competitor as the only compensation you will get as, seeing as this is the seventh time you've been in our store, we no longer welcome you.

If there is anything else I can do for you . . . please don't bother. Your case is closed.

Signed,

Deena Nyles, customer complaint satisfaction officer,
Octogon Department Store, with eight departments to serve you.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Dreams of angels bed & supply store,

I went to your shop the other day after a long day of shopping. I had been walking all day long through the big outdoor shopping center Muddy Marsh, and in my thick rubber boots, my feet were killing me! So when I brought my dozen packages to your store, I saw this beautiful king-sized bed with soft white sheets and vanilla-colored velour blankets. After I spoke briefly to a salesman, who pointed me to the bed, I just sat down on it, and in my exhaustion, I passed out.

So why was I rudely awakened thirty minutes later by a nasty security officer who looked like he'd taken too many steroids, a very angry young boy of an assistant manager, and a furious clean-up woman?

The boy of a manager told me my boots had ruined the carpet and my pants had ruined the bed, and that I had to pay for it all right then and there! He demanded cash or credit card and I refused to give him either.

Then the clean-up woman gave me two things: A whack on the head with her mop, and then the mop and bucket. She said I could go clean up my mess because she wasn't going to do it!

And when I took the mop and tried to whack them both, the security dragged me out of the store, hosed me off, and then put me in the bed's box and shipped me home!

I demand compensation, and the return of my shopping bags. And you can give me the bed for free while you're at it. Oh, and make the manager boy, the security jerk, and the clean-up woman come clean my house all day! It's become a pig-pen.

If you don't, I'll go straight to the t. v. show "Scam Stoppers!" and report your whole enterprise!

Signed,

Dusty Clayton Mudd.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Mudd,

You had mud all over you which made the bed unsellable until it can be washed. We are shipping your shopping items to you. Enclosed is a check for the damages and we will not give you the bed for free. Also, if your house is a pig sty, you should either hire a maid or do it yourself.

Sincerely,

B. L. Anket
Manager



Dear Video Store Manager,

My 12 year old son tried to rent "The Gobbler Strikes" and your rude employee refused to rent it to him since it was rated R. I want this employee fired for being rude to my son, free rentals for life, and for my son to rent whatever he wants or I will come to your store and set fire to the discs.

Sincerely,

M. O. Viewatcher

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Viewatcher,

It sounds to me like you don't comprehend what an R-rated movie is. Enclosed is a list of the ratings and what they mean from the Motion Picture Association of America.

I've seen "The Gobbler Strikes" and I assure you, it deserves its R rating; in fact, it's bordering on an NC-17. Unless you want your 12-year-old to have horrible nightmares about gruesome axe murderers for the rest of his life, I would strongly suggest you stick to PG and milder movies for him. And what does it say about you as a parent and human being that I care more for your son's state of mind than you do?

Sincerely,
Alan Smithee, manager
Video Emporium

* * * * *

Dere Elumintry Skuul,

Mi sun haz bin flunkd frum kiddygarden 4 teh thurd tiem. Yore teechurs r no gud! I demmand yu put mi sun in secund graed wiht otter kidz hiz ayge were he belungs or I go to teh noozpappers abut yu.

Sinserelee,
Al Literate