The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Literate:

Your son's school administration and teachers have offered information on therapists many times since they suspect your son has a profound learning disability. However, you have refused every time saying, "If I didn't need them, my son doesn't need them." I urge you to let us send him to a special program that will help him catch up with his peers. We would not want to see your son still in kindergarten when he's old enough to drive.

Sincerely,

Duke Stanford, Head School District Commisioner

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Dear Home Depot,

I cannot believe your staff called the police on us. My girlfriend was in the mood, so we decided to put the plug into the socket in one of your sheds. As I was using my drill, the police opened the door, showing my nuts and bolt to the world. We weren't bothering anyone. Now, we got screwed with disorderly conduct charges, and I got nailed with a indecent exposure charge. When I complained to the store manager, I found him to be extremely abrasive.

I demand you call the nosy employee to the carpet and clean house. I also demand that you lay the lumber to the store manager, and plant a gift card worth $10,000 in my hands.

Sincerely,

Dan Steel

[Tyg3rW01f]

Mr. Micro-Steel

We at Home Depot wish to inform you of our response to your highly inappropriate letter.

No.

Security tapes indicate that not only did you perform a sexual act in one of our sheds, it was in the open-backed display model that faces the daycare center beside us.
Even though your drill is a rather pocket-sized affair, we still hope you enjoy being drilled by your TRULY ENDOWED cell mate at the Obama Correctional Facility after your trial, as the Daycare Center will be pressing charges.

Good Day.

===========

Dear Big Name Cigar Company

I recently purchased a box of your cigars as a former President recommended them to me. Yes, they have nice texture, yes, they smoke great, but my girlfriend won't use them like his did! I demand you refund my money.

Frustratedy Yours,
Ima Slutt

[Kristev]

Dear Ima Slutt,

Our cigars are not intended to be used in such a manner. If your girlfriend has more sense than you, good for her. We refuse to refund your money. After all, we don't know what kind of diseases you're carrying, and you probably don't, either.

Sighed,

C. Shane Smokurr,

Regional director number seven in the chain of one hundred corporate executives who have nothing important to do, We make cigars and are proud of it company.

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Dear Wonder's Bazaar grocery store,

I went to your store to buy my weekly groceries, and I decided to to your store bringing my Sprawl-Mart ad with me to go do the price-matching program. You see, Sprawl-Mart is having a sale on Dusk dish soap. It's gone down from a dollar and nine cents to a dollar and six cents, and I want to buy as much of it as I can on sale. But your store is so much closer to my house than Sprawl-Mart is. A whole block makes a big difference, you know!

Well, since I haven't cleaned up my kitchen in a week and the dishes are stacked up so high they joined the space program, I desperately needed to buy some dish soap. Well, I decided to break out a grand from my trust fund and went to your store to pick it up, brining with me my Sprawl-Mart ad like I normally do.

So I go to get my groceries, keeping a close watch to buy things only on the Sprawl-Mart ad where the bargains would be better, and of course the things I've always loved. You know, the expensive wine, the fine ice cream, the decadent pastries, you know, important stuff.

However, I get there and I find that the Dusk dish soap is out of stock. Your rude worker, Brian, a pimple-faced young man with some kind of mental disorder and a speech impediment, told me that Wonder's Bazaar doesn't carry Dusk. How can you not carry Dusk? I want it! So I demanded to speak to the store manager, an old friend of mine who has served our family for years.

But your rude new manager refused to let me price-match. I told her that the old store manager did whatever I told him to do, being who I am, but the new store manager told me that my family wealth and name carried no weight and didn't entitle me to break the rules. What is she? A communist?

This is false advertising! This is bait and switch! I want Dusk dish soap, and if you don't provide it to me, I'll take my great-grandfather's hard earned money in my trust fund elsewhere! I need my three cents, and the rest of the money I'd save from the price-match program. That trust fund is all I have to live on!

I demand that you provide me a lifetime supply of Dusk, that you fire that rude new store manager, and that idiot Brian, that you always price-match for me, or better yet, let me come into the store and take whatever I want whenever I want without paying for it. After all, don't you know who my family is?

Signed,

Ari Stocrat, of the Stocrat family, grandson of the owner of the Overchargeman's Bank & Trust.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Stocrat,

I apologize for the misunderstanding. I recommended her to take over the store after I was promoted to district manager. I think that she has been doing a good job being the store manager. I am not firing her over one incident. As for Brian, he is unfortunate enough to be mentally disabled. He does simple tasks very well despite his disorder.

As for Dusk Dish Washing Soap, the company that makes it was bought out by Mega & Amber. M&A has decided to stop making Dusk, we will no longer be able to carry it. I would recommend Swan Dish Washing Soap, since it is made by M&A. I am sending you a free bottle of Swan so you can try it on your dishes.

Signed,

Pete Winn, District Manager, Wonder's Bazaar

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Dear Rainbow Day Care Center,

Yesterday, I was picking up my children from the daycare center across the street when I saw an outrageous sight in front of your center. My children and I saw a naked man in your parking lot. I t looked like he was trying to break down your front door. After he failed, he started to chase two women, one of them had a little kid in her arms. Then a policewoman drove up, pointed something at him, and he fell down. He got back up and knocked the policewoman out. After that, he started to chase the other women around the parking lot again. Then, when the other police arrived, he tried to break down your front door again until the other police stopped him.

What kind of daycare lets a naked man run around in the parking lot? My children saw the whole debacle. If you continue to have naked men run around your parking lot, I will have you shut down forever.

Sincerely,

Electra Kompanay

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Kompanay,

We have no control over who runs around our parking lot. However, we do call the police when necessary.

Sincerely,

Baby Care Center



Dear Craft Store Manager,

I came into your store, requested that one of your employees get some items for me, and she told me I had to get them myself. I was steamed so I stormed over to the foam ball section and smashed all the balls. I want the employee fired for being rude to me and a personal shopper every time I come into the store. If you don't do what I want, I will come to your store and cut up your felt and yarn into tiny pieces.

Sincerely,

S. P. Oiledbrat

[Kristev]

Dear Miss Oiledbrat,

We were wondering whatever happened to you. Why, we haven't seen you in ten years! Which, incidentally, is about as long as you were in prison for vandalism and theft from Play 'till it hurts sporting goods store next door to us, wasn't it?

Yes. We would be happy to let you have a personal shopper and everything you asked for - after your second stint in prison is over. You see, one of our shoppers called the police on you. We barely had to say a word; they knew who to look for. So expect them to visit you soon.

Signed Shan Tilly Layce,

Assistant manager of The Fabric Experience craft store.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Playing 'till it hurts sporting goods store,

I went into your store to buy the things I needed to go dynamite fishing, only to have your worthless employee, Rose, tell me that, first of all, I needed a fishing license, and secondly, that dynamite fishing is a crime!

What would a woman know about anything sports-related. I told her to go back to the kitchen and get me a man, to which she proceeded to bench-press a thousand pounds in front of me. She made me so mad I set off a stick of dynamite right then and there and threw it at her. Do you know what she did next? The horrible woman threw it back at me with a tennis racquet!

My dynamite landed in my car and blew it up!

I demand a million dollars in compensation, that you fire every woman who works for you except for pretty, dumb blonde receptionists and replace them all with men, and that you sell dynamite in your store. If you don't, I'll come back when your store is closed and blow it to bits. Might teach you all a lesson.

Signed, Bob Bastic-Blaster.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Bastic-Blaster:

You wouldn't happen to be related to the woman that vandalized the craft store next door, would you?

First, Rose was absolutely correct. You do need a license to fish per state law. You cannot use dynamite to fish per federal law. In fact, it is illegal to be in possession of dynamite unless you have a special license.

I've reviewed the security tapes. Rose only bench pressed 300 lbs. I guess you're used to exaggerating the size of things. Throwing a lit stick of dynamite is considered attempted murder. You're lucky that Rose's girlfriend, Kaori, wasn't there. Kaori is a third degree black belt in karate. There is no fourth degree black belt in her discipline.

I have given a copy of this letter to the police. You should hope that the police find you before Kaori does.

Sincerely,

Jackson Jordan, Store Manager, Playing 'til It Hurts Sports

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Dear Jefferson Insurance Company:

My friend and I went hunting in the middle of the desert. We took my brand new 4x4 Chevy. We found a little coyote that fell into one of our traps. We got that coyote out of the trap and taped two sticks of dynamite to that coyote and lit them. At first, it started to run away, but it did a complete 180. It started to run toward us. We managed to run away from it, but that stupid coyote ran under my truck. The truck was destroyed when the dynamite exploded.

When I called the insurance adjuster, he got all rude and told me that you weren't going to pay for a new truck. He said something about "illegal activity." I demand that you give me $60,000 to replace my truck, and fire that rude adjuster.

Sincerely,

Earnest Dick

[Tyg3rW01f]

Mr. Earnest
Our employee is correct, however, he was polite and professional; you were the rude one. Also note we have cancelled your policy and contacted our collections agency for the remaining $60,000 on your policy.
As for replacing your truck after your explosive attempt at poaching, We Are Disinclined To Acquiesce To Your Request. Means No.

Jefferson Insurance
Where Your Money Does More For Us Than It Will Ever Do For You.

==========

Dear Barkday Publisher
I recently submitted my manuscript for publishing. I am pleased with your packaging, binding, and speedy service, however, I'm not on the New York Top Ten. That's your job: get me on the Top Ten list.
I am taking my business elsewhere to one of your competitors.
Signed
Ms. Informed, Author
((This is a true story, btw. My Father wrote a book and expected the publisher to do all the work.))

[Kristev]

Dear Author, we are sorry, but we don't control the public taste. The fact that you wrote a book that was a mere admixture of Star Wars and Twilight... the only reason we took your book is that we're a vanity press. If you want to succeed, don't rip off someone else's work. And remember, publishing with us is free. But if you expect us to do any of the work for you, you have to pay - a lot. We'll be waiting for your check in the mail.

(I am a novelist who didn't know what a vanity press, one in particular, was when I got started...)

Signed,

Richard B. Skammur,

Owner of PublishEverywhere, where we don't charge for your book - but we do charge for everything else.

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Dear Empress magazine,

I was reading your magazine and found an article about proper child rearing by sisters Dr. Karyn and Prof. Rowena Beltane. They said that it had become quite clear to them in their respective years as a pediatrician and a school teacher, and the study they did together of children in England, where the Beltane sisters live, that children should not be exposed to a steady diet of television, nor should children be permitted to use the Internet for long periods of time unsupervised.

Instead, the Beltane sisters insisted that parents take up the practice of taking children to museums and libraries, forcing books on children by making reading a family affair, with suggestions such as reading to your children before bed. They particularly liked The Chronicles of Narnia as books approriate for young children. They also said that children do best when given time going outside and playing as long as a parent is also playing with them, especially if the parent takes the children to a park.

As a busy working father, I am offended at the suggestions that these two self-righteous sisters make of other people's lives! I am far too busy with my job, and my girlfriend, to be bothered with my four rambunctious children and their incessant demands.

How dare these two sisters, who have never met me, say that they feel I should turn off the television, regulate the Internet with some program called Net Supernanny, and take my children anywhere but Burger World?

As for making them read, isn't school supposed to do that? It's not my job. And just where do these two judgemental know-it-alls thinks I'm going to get the time to take my children to any park? Can't I just let them out in the back yard while my girlfriend and I, uh, well, you know?

I demand that you remove that article from your magazine, forbid those two women from publishing anything else in it except for an apology, that you print a new article telling parents how wonderful television and the Internet are for kids and that they couldn't possibly be harmful, and that kids are perfectly fine in the back yard without a parent around. I also demand that you give me a million dollars and a year's free subscription to your magazine.

Signed,

Kane Knott B. Bothered,

Father of, Er, Tax Deduction 1, Tax Deduction 2, Tax Deduction 3, and daughter with so many medical problems I'm ready to send her to the orphanage.

(Out of game, The Empress is a tarot card. To be precise, it is the card of motherhood, making it the perfect name for a wiccan-based parenting advice magazine.)

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Bothered,

Your children are your responsibility and the sisters are right about limiting tv and the internet. Also, it's part of your job to watch them and teach them things like how to read. You won't be getting anything from us. We have alerted CPS to come over and give you a warning.

Sincerely,

Empress Magazine Editor



Dear Maternity Ward Manager,

I recently had a baby girl and it hurt a lot. I wasn't informed that giving birth would really hurt. I demand you inform mothers-to-be that having a baby will be very painful. If you don't, I will walk all over the maternity ward with a megaphone announcing over and over that having a baby will hurt like crazy.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Labor

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Labor,

An OB/GYN could have told you how giving birth can be. However, the first time you found out that you were pregnant, you were already in labor. In fact, when we finally got the pregnancy test results, you were giving birth. You gave us no opportunity to tell you how painful giving birth can be.

Please don't come into our hospital with a megaphone. The on-duty police will be forced to confiscate your megaphone and take you to jail. We would rather have you at home taking care of your baby girl.

Sincerely,

Benjamin Nemoy

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Dear Goodyear Tire Company,

I was driving down the road trying to get away from the cops. I was starting to pull away from them when one of them put a black strip across the road. Suddenly, all four of my tires went flat. The next thing I know, I have a dozen of cops pointing guns at me, yelling for me to get out of the car. I demand that you pay for me to replace all four of your shoddy tires on my car, and you pay the legal fees that I could have avoided if those tires had stayed up.

Sincerely,

M. O. Ron

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Mr Ron,

Thank you so much for the written evidence of your wrongdoing. You see, we called the police on you after your visit to our company when we found several items missing. We obviously are going to press charges, and thanks to your confession in writing, we are sure of getting a conviction.

See you in court!

Yours, Goodyear Tire Company.

~~~

Dear Petrol Station Manager,

I came in to get petrol the other day, only to find that there were cones across the entrance. When I drove in the back way, your employee, the fat girl called Clare, had the nerve to tell me that the petrol station was closed. This is bullshit! I happen to know for a fact that the petrol station closes at ten, and my watch said clearly that it was five minutes too. I demand that you fire Clare, and give me a week's free petrol in order to keep my custom.

Yours, Mrs I Cantelltime.

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Cantelltime,

Our records show that you arrived at midnight. By that time, we had been closed. Clare was only there because she'd had to return to the store. You see, when she got home, she found that she had forgotten her purse at work and had to go back and get it.

We shall not give you free petrol. From what we can tell, you've quite enough gas to become dangerous combustible already.

Signed, Di Urnal, Manager of Punctual's Petrol Station.

__________________________________________________ _______________

Dear Refreshing Rivers Water Park,

I went to your water park with my family to enjoy the last weeks of summer. But when we get there, what do I find? That I have to hide my children's eyes because of the bathing suits some of the girls are wearing! When I confront them and demand they put on more clothing, they tell me to stop being so uptight. Of all the nerve!

Then, as we are swimming in one of the pools which I paid the guard to keep private for my family for the hour and not let anyone else in, the guard goes off to lunch and lets another guard replace him. This second guard refuses my money and, worst of all, lets several other people in. As I pull my family and get them out, a man who is obviously poor as dirt gets in my way, saying he needs to get to his son because his son has drifted into the deep end. I push the man out of my way. He fell, hit his head, and tumbled into the water, while some little brat just starts screaming on the far end of the pool.

As I'm getting on the pavement, I slip and scratch up my knee. Well, the replacement lifeguard doesn't care about me. Neither does this very sickeningly obese woman who was running right behind him. He just runs right past me to go save that worthless man I pushed into the water. First he gets him out, then goes to retrieve that little boy, while the disgusting woman starts tending to the man.

When I ask her what she's doing, she says that she's a nurse who just happened to be at the water park, and felt she would be needed when she saw the man who got in my way hit his head and fell into the pool. I demanded she look at my leg, and she did, but only after I had to wait the considerably long time for this slovenly woman to finish up on what she called 'first responder' care to this man, and then his son.

I demand lifetime passes to your water park, and that, on the days when I come, you allow no one else to be there. If you don't, I will go straight to court. With my husband's wealth and connections, we will own your park and then we can claim it all to yourselves. I also demand that you impose a dress clode and require that one cannot weigh more than a hundred pounds before they enter the park.

And fire the lifeguard! How dare he refuse my money, refuse to keep a pool exclusively for me, and put clearly impoverished people before me!

Signed, Betty Tan-You

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Tan-You,

The Refreshing Rivers Water Park has forwarded your letter to us.

First, if patrons pay for entrance to the water park and follow the local laws, they will be welcomed into the water park. Keep that previous sentence in mind.

Second, the park has fired the lifeguard that you bribed to keep other patrons out. The second lifeguard was the head of the lifeguards for the park. He has done a good job keeping the lifeguards under him trained in emergency situations.

As for that "poor as dirt" man that you have viciously assaulted, that man is an Army veteran who served in Afghanistan. We told him that we would help with his medical bills if he reported it to the police. The head lifeguard, who served in the Coast Guard, did his job rescuing both the man and his son. As for that "sickeningly obese" nurse, we have paid for her to have season passes for the rest of this summer and all of next summer.

We have also sent a copy to your local police department and district attorney's office. After they have finished pursuing criminal charges, we will pursue the cost of the veteran's medical bills. Have a nice day.

Sincerely,

Anthony Zucco
Head of Legal, Salty Battleship Insurance, LLC

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Dear UPS,

Last week, my brother requested our late mother's wind-up alarm clock. I decided to pack it up and ship it at the UPS Store. When I get there, the clerk decided to tell everyone in the store to get out, muttering something about a ticking time bomb. I had to convince the police's bomb disposal unit that the package was harmless. When they finally opened the package and found my mother's clock, they threw me in jail for disturbing the peace. The only thing I found disturbing was the clerk's attitude.

I want you to ship my mother's clock for free and fire that rude clerk.

Sincerely,

Kesha Heure

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Mrs Heure,

I am sorry that you see something wrong in our attempts to protect our customers' lives. You see, we had an actual bomb scare a few months ago, and ever since then, we have tightened our restrictions. Any clerk who doesn't abide by these rules would get severely reprimanded, so I'm afraid that we are not going to fire him. Instead, he has been nominated for Employee Of The Month for his sterling work. In any case, according to the police, you have played these little tricks before and, like ours, their patience has finally run out.

Yours, UPS.

~~~

Dear Pizza Hut manager,

Yesterday, I and my seven adorable children went out for a meal in your restaurant. I sent my children to the buffet while I played Angry Birds on my phone. Barely five minutes later, one of your staff, a Hispanic man, interrupted me to tell me that my children were misbehaving and to remove them from the buffet. For God's sake! They were only being kids. The food fight wasn't that extensive, and anyway, it's your staff's job to clear up after them. I demand free food for a year, and a £100 gift voucher to atone for my hurt feelings.

Yours, Mrs Terri Balmum.