The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. Balmum,

Your children, who are more important than your Angry Birds game, made a mess of the buffet which is why we require adult supervision when children go to the buffet. Also, it's your job to take care of your kids and we won't be giving you free food or a voucher.

Sincerely,

P. Izza
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came into your store when it opened so I could shop in peace. However, I was offended that there were people in the aisles that I wanted to go into. I had to wait for the aisle to clear before entering it. Thanks to the other customers, my shopping took longer than I planned. I demand from now on when I enter the store that you make the other customers leave the store and stay out until I'm done. If you don't, I will come into the store with a boom box and play loud rock music at full volume.

Sincerely,

Sol I. Taryshopper

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Taryshopper,

When we open our doors, we open to the public. That means that anyone in good standing with our grocery store is allowed, including those who are in our store for the first time. We simply cannot keep people out because a patron is uncomfortable with their presence. If your social phobia is really that bad, I would suggest contacting the Cape Fear Mental and Behavioral Health Clinic. As for the boom box, we will allow it as long as you keep the volume at a reasonable level.

Thank you for your business.

Sincerely,

Chester Taylor, Store Manager, Full Foods Supermarket

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Dear Animal Shelter,

I have been fostering cats and kittens for your shelter. I have fostered black cats, white cats, gray cats, and even a calico. Your shelter has not given me an orange tabby to foster. I demand that the next litter of kittens have at least one orange tabby. If you give me a litter of kittens and there is no orange tabby, I am going to hiss at someone.

Other than that, I will miss these foster kittens when I finally give them back to you.

Sincerely,

Nadia Fortune

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Fortune:

You'll be happy to know we've recently had an orange tabby surrendered to us. It has three legs, an awful case of mange, and green stuff oozing out of its eyes. I think it will be perfect for you.

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Dear Salvation Army Thrift Store:

While at your shop I purchased what I thought was a cassette single of Led Zepplin's "Stairway to Heaven." Imagine my horror when I put it in my tape deck and the strains of Matthew Wilder's "Break My Stride" came out of my speakers instead.

I set my stereo system on fire. I demand you reimburse me its $2,000 value. Otherwise I will put used condoms in your donation kettles this holiday season.

Signed,
Bustle in my Hedgegrow

[Kristev]

Dear Bustle in my Hedgegrow :

We apologize that you purchased something that was incorrectly labeled, but please understand that everything that we sell comes from donations. What people do with these things before they are donated to us, we have learned not to ask... There was a sign above you that invited people to listen to what they were buying before they bought it.

We won't be sending you any 2,000 dollars. But we are sending you a full set of curtains with colors that sickeningly clash with your décor, as well as a box of matches and a gallon of oil, as we feel that your stereo was not enough. One should burn down their entire house in order to purge it of the taint of "Break my stride."


Signed,

Paula Yolanda Romaniac.

Liberation Navy Thrift Store

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Dear Masquerade cosmetics company,

I went into your retail store the other day to find new cosmetics, as I had thrown out my whole case of makeup because no color I had matched my complexion at all. You see, my complexion is perfect, white, silky, and smooth, and so I can have nothing but the best, and I was told by my servant, er, best friend, Lillian, that you're the best. I have to say Lillian lied.

When I went into your shop, first the person who greeted me was a young woman who wore the wrong color of eye shadow. Whoever heard of a black girl wearing violet eye shadow? Disgusting!

She came up to me, and I demanded that she send me someone who I could stand looking at. After going through a red-headed girl who looked like she took makeup lessons from Miss Piggy, and a young man who had a rainbow scarf and a big diamond ring. How inappropriate. Finally, she sent me a young blonde, blue-eyed girl who looked like I want to look like. It depressed me to see her, but at least I could stand looking at her.

After I made this girl, Barabra, by the way, follow me all around the store trying every possible color and piece of makeup, ranging from Rainy Storm Grey to Forest Fantasy Pine, from Lavender Dream to Puce Nightmare, she finally convinced me that I should try the Baby Pastel Rose Petal shade, and tricked me into buying a whole kit of it.

Well, after I got home, I decided to go look in the mirror, and I couldn't see it anymore. How is anyone supposed to notice how beautiful I am if my makeup blends to my face so well?

I took it back to your store. The black girl, Marla, was there and said she couldn't take returns on opened merchandise, and dared to suggest that I should pay for what I already used with Barbara! She'd even put it all up in a bag for me!

I took the makeup, and I left that dumb Marla a credit card, then left while she was busy. The joke's on her - that card is from my old bank that I left because I disapproved of their policies. Imagine, only giving me 10 percent interest on whatever was in my checking account. Unbelievable!

Well, anyway, I want to keep all the makeup. After all, Christmas is coming and my friends would love to get this stuff under their trees. But I don't want to pay for it. And I expect you to send me your top makeup consultant to meet with me in person at my house and find the perfect makeup for me, for free, of course. And a million dollars to compensate me for my time and my gasoline.

If you don't do all these things, I will call my brother. He just got out of prison for armed robbery and assault. He's always been my protector, despite how crude and uncouth he is. The man simply cannot hire a competent lawyer, but he knows how to deal with it when I don't get my way, so I strongly suggest that you be a good manager and cooperate with me.

Disgruntedly your's,
Ann Pleasable.

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Pleasable:

The point of makeup is to accentuate your natural looks, not be seen by itself. We like to call that "Halloween Makeup." It's the kind of makeup that Ronald McDonald wears. We don't sell that kind of makeup.

Also, we have sent a copy to this letter to the District Attorney's office. I'm sure that the police will be visiting you shortly. After all, you admitted to shoplifting, and you made a threat against our store. I'm sure that the district attorney has sent a copy to your brother's parole officer. I know that since they won't be able to arrest him for your threat, yet, they can warn him about violating his parole.

Sincerely,

Jenny Avon Cash, Masquerade Cosmetics Company

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Dear Dress and Belt Wardrobe House,

I was in your store last week and saw this woman with a service dog. I thought that it was nice that she was training him and told her so. Imagine my shock that he was HER service dog. That woman was not blind or disabled in any way. I tried to take the leash away from her, but she seemed to have a vice-like grip on it. Then I tried to get this dog to sit by pushing his behind down.

Then your rude sales clerk runs over. Instead of helping me, she starts yelling at me, telling me to leave this faker alone. I grab the dog and try to pick him up, but I should have known better than to pick up a golden retriever. Then these two police men run up, put me in handcuffs, tell me that I'm under arrest, and they charge me with assault and cruelty to an animal. I told them they should have arrest the faker for fraudulently getting a service dog. I have never been so humiliated in my life.

I demand that you ban dog faker, fire the rude clerk, and give me a $2,000 gift card.

Sincerely,

Har P. Keller

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Mr Keller,

For your information, the woman with the service dog is my niece, and she most certainly does require a service dog. Why? Cuz she's deaf, and her dog is a Hearing Dog for the Deaf. I recommend sensitivity training for you, as it will no doubt help you when the case gets to court. They might go easy on you if you at least make an effort to atone for your ignorance in assuming that only blind people have service dogs.

Yours, Ms Manager.

~~~

Dear Manager of Traction Water Park,

I would like to make a complaint about the terrible staff at your water park. I went there the other day with my adorable nephews. They of course wished to go on the Mega Dangerous Corkscrew Water Slide, but that horrid rude employee of yours wouldn't let them! He kept saying they weren't tall enough, or some crap like that. His name was Ben Wilcox and he had terrible acne. Excuse me, but Ben ruined my nephew's day out completely so I would like him to be fired and for you to give me a year's free entry to the water park.

Yours, Mrs Helen Highwater.

[Kristev]

(This is not a good day for water parks.)

Dear Mrs. Highwater,

Actually, what he said was that we had to close down the park and evacuate, which we did. You see, not only did two great white sharks, a mother and her baby, get into our ocean section and smash the underwater tunnels, but in our freshwater pools, mutant piranhas who should be extinct came in and had a picnic on our patrons.

We very much apologize for this, but please remember, between the shark attacks and the piranha attacks, we didn't dare let anyone remain in the park. So we evacuated everyone - except for you and your nephews, who simply refused to leave and insisted on going down the MDCWS, where the mother shark was waiting for someone to drop in . . . Naturally, Ben pulled the boy off the MDCWS, and carried him to the gates.

We will be giving you free tickets to come another day, but that's going to be long-long after we've finished making major corrections to ensure that the only fish in our park are the ones we cook in the cafe.

Yours, Aquarius Washout, Traction Water Park,

(OOC: Yes, this is a take on Jaws 3 & Piranha DD. Remember, see them before you go swimming . . .)

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Dear Fairy Kisses confection shop,

I am terribly sorry to be so unkind as to trouble you with this, but one of my sons has become unbelievably ill from your delicious pastries. You see, I had to go to work, and so as a result, I now have my Mother serve as the babysitter for my children. But the other day, she couldn't do it and sent for a babysitting service. Mind you, she didn't tell me she was doing this.

Well, the reason I'm writing to you, if you'll forgive it, is that the babysitter who got sent over from the service took the children from my Mother for the day. But either Mother forgot or the woman must have misplaced my sheet of daily instructions. It was an honest mistake, I'm sure. However, the sitter didn't take the children to the park to get their daily exercise, nor did she read to them or make them do their chores. Instead, she took them out for pizza and then to your store, and let them buy whatever they wanted. With my credit card, which I let the children keep but they know only to use it for emergencies.

Anyway, the problem is, one of my sons is a diabetic, and he ate so much candy from your store that he fell violently ill. The sitter called me to come and get him, and so I left my job to go tend to my son, and took him to the hospital. Could you please pay me back for my son's medical bills? It's such a great financial burden and my boss told me that I was fired for running out on him just to deal with my son. I do understand. He needed me at work. I shouldn't have left, but my son needed me. By the way, do you need another employee? I currently have a vacancy in my work situation and rent is getting due. The landlady needs her money because she has . . . well, never mind. I'm sorry for rambling. Just, can you help me? The sitter swore this is your fault for letting three kids eat all the candy they want.

Please and thank you, Evernice Doormat.

P. S., I think you people do a wonderful job. But please put up signs saying diabetic children should not eat your wares. Thanks. Have a nice day.

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Doormat,

I am sorry that your son has gotten sick from eating our candy. From what I can tell from your letter, it sounds like either your mother or the baby sitter was negligent in letting your children buy our candies. We simply cannot afford to pay for son's medical bills since the ingredients were not tainted, nor were they improperly handled when they were made. Since we are a small business, we do not have any openings at this time.

Thank you,

William Hershey, Fairy Kisses Confection Shop

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Dear Land Shark Landscaping,

Earlier this week, I hired your company to replace our walkway since it had really ugly cracks. The walkway looks great, but do you people really have to be that loud? I had to turn my TV all the way up to 50 just to hear it when they operated that jack hammer, or that saw, or the concrete mixer. The worst thing is that nobody on your team was wearing hearing protection.

I demand that you forget your bill because I found the noise excessive and disturbing. I am also not going to pay for your workers going deaf.

Sincerely,

Scott Flaw

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Mr Flaw,

I'm sorry to hear that you are displeased with the noise our workmen made. However, it's inescapable that using drills, concrete mixers etc is going to make unavoidable noise. We find that using cushions doesn't get us thru the walkway surface. I assure you that our workers use noise protection so will not go deaf.

Oh yes, and if you don't pay our bill, the next letter you receive will be from our solicitor.

Yours, Land Shark Landscaping.

~~~

Dear Fed Ex,

When you delivered the package I ordered, did you have to bang on the door like that? You woke my baby who is unable to sleep unless there is complete silence about. I am disgusted at your poor customer service and I demand a gift card in compensation.

Yours,

Mrs U N Reasonable.

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Reasonable,

Usually, our drivers just knock on the door and leave the package, but this package required an adult signature. The driver had to knock loudly to get someone's attention. He can't just wait to get noticed by a homeowner. Since this package's sender required a signature and he couldn't get one, we still have your package. Please call us to schedule a delivery.

Signed,

FedEx

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Dear Mr. Burnie Rubber,

Thank you for expressing interest in buying our car. Why did you send me an email at 3 in the morning? My computer makes a loud noise when I receive an email. This loud noise woke my baby and me. How can you be so inconsiderate to us?

I demand that you buy my car, my piano, and my ratty couch.

Sincerely,

Helen Weels

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Weels,

I would recommend adjusting your volume settings for receiving emails. I'm also sorry about waking you and your baby but I only want the car.

Sincerely,

Burnie Rubber



Dear Police Station Chief,

Your rude officer had no right to arrest me! All I did was stand on a street corner and flash red cars and moon blue ones as they passed by. I demand you drop the charges immediately. If you don't, I will show up at my trial wearing nothing.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Moonflasher

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Moonflasher,

Flashing cars is considered indecent exposure. If you come to court wearing nothing, you will not only get another indecent exposure charge, but you might be found in contempt of court.

Sincerely,

James Reed
Chief of Police

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Dear Big Foods Grocery,

I really like your cashier, Diane. She looks good as a blonde. Imagine my shock when I went to your store yesterday and saw Diane with red hair. How dare she dye her hair in such a color. I don't want to look at a ginger while I'm buying groceries.

I demand that Diane bleaches her hair back to blond. I also demand that she goes out on a date with me.

Sincerely,

Barry Marquis

[Tyg3rW01f]

Mr. Marquis,
We at Big Foods Grocery respect our employees more than you do apparently. This letter is to inform you of your right to grace our competitors with your discriminatory opinions and actions.

J. Ingles

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Dear "To Whom It May Concern" Corp.

I'm writing to complain about your products. MUST you really manufacture 7.62x39 ammunition in such vast, overwhelming quantity and be so brazen as to label each bullet with your logo?!

I demand you cease and desist your foray into the weapons and ammunition market immediately. Otherwise, I'll end up like my Sergeant... Slaughtered.

Signed,
Corporal Ina Foxhole

[Kristev]

Dear Cprl. Foxhole,

We apologize, but we at the "To Whom It May Concern" corporation are not responsible for that product in any way. We do not make, market, or produce any kind of munitions whatsoever.

But we have looked in to it for you. The company that does is the Warmonger Coproration, which specializes in making all kinds of things the world just doesn't need, such as nuclear weapons, chemical and bio-weapons, and of course, firearms and bullets. They have, thus far, managed to avoid all attempts to regulate or even slow down their deliberate proliferation of weaponry, and in fact are known for selling their products to both sides at the same time.

We apologize, and we are greatly concerned. We would get you out of there, but that would be desertion. However, you have given us a new idea for a product, and we'll be sending you one . . . Our new mirrorized bullet-proof vest that doesn't merely stop bullets - it'll reflect them back at the shooter.

Please enjoy one complimentary mirrorized bullet-proof vest. We're sending it the fastest way possible, so please stay in your hole and pray it gets to you before the enemy does. We care.

Signed, Cam Pasi Onitte, executive director of "To Whom It May Concern."

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Dear Dark Secrets Corporation,

I was one of the first people to purchase your new product, Singlasses, which are capable of revealing to you the secret sins of anyone you look at.

At first they worked out perfectly, as I saw that my three-year old son broke the cookie jar and my neighbor lied to his mother when he was seven because he didn't want her angry that his father came home late . . .

Well, so far so good. But your product doesn't work after all. See, the reason I bought them was to prove my wife was cheating. Instead, the Singlasses didn't tell me anything about her, except that she's become a non-believer and now volunteers at a palliative clinic for A. I. D. S. patients. They didn't show her cheating on me at all!

And what's worse, when I accidentally caught myself in the mirror, they showed me things that I've been long-forgiven for: My sneaking hundreds out of the collection plate and replacing them with ones, my affair with Barbara, and Mallory, and Julia, and Jane . . . That I cheated my brother out of his inheritance, then refused to let him live with me when he became homeless. But I had to. He was gay!

So I demand ten billion dollars in compensation for the agony I have gone through, and that you put warning labels on the Singlasses that they don't really work and that mirrors should be avoided at all costs! If you don't, I will put my Singlasses on, go visit you with the help of reporter Barbara Walters, and have her broadcast all your secret sins on the six o'clock news!

Signed,
Rev. Judah Mentalhyp Ocrite.

[catcul]

Dear "Reverend" Ocrite,

First, you are delusional. We never claimed that anyone could look at a person and see their sins. We called those sunglasses "Singlasses" because it makes you look like you're sinful. Also, I showed your wife this letter. She's hiring a divorce lawyer. I am also hiring a lawyer since you just admitted that you cheated me of my inheritance. Not only is she my sister-in-law, she also works at the AIDS clinic where I volunteer.

You want ten billion dollars. We'd like ten billion dollars, too, but we're a small company. We don't have $10 billion just lying around. As for contacting Barbara Walters, she doesn't do investigative reporting anymore. If you're thinking of contacting Mike Wallace, I wouldn't bother. Mike Wallace has passed away, and Mike Wallace is a wide receiver for the Miami Dolphins. Neither one of them do investigative reporting, either.

If you're wondering, I married a wonderful man last year.

Sincerely,

Luke Ocrite
Head of Customer Service, Dark Secrets, LLC

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Dear State of West Virginia,

Last year, my company sent me to Princeton, WV, just before Thanksgiving. I was doing business when it snowed hard. I had to drive back home in North Carolina that day. I had to endure white out conditions until I arrived in Wytheville, VA. I could not drive more than 20 until it stopped snowing. In fact, a woman who lives there

Now I'm being sent to Charleston, WV. For compensation for the dangers your crappy weather, I demand that you let me drive your tollway without having to pay the tolls.

Sincerely,

Snow Den