The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Den,

We have no control over the weather but you could've called your boss and explained the situation. Also, you need to pay tolls like everyone else.

Sincerely,

West Virginia Governor



Dear Dance Club Owner,

I came to your club with my daughter so we could celebrate her graduating college. However, I was offended to see men and women dancing with poles and wearing only underclothes. I demanded you make your dancers wear more clothing and dance like normal people. If you don't, I will burn down your club and make all my friends and family help.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Clueless

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Clueless,

Our club is a gentleman's club, or as some unrefined people would call a strip club. We pay women to take their clothes off and dance on the poles. I wasn't aware that men were dancing on the poles. We are open 24 hours a day, and we have been threatened with arson before. We have sent a copy of your letter to the police.

We would like to congratulate your daughter's graduation. I hope she has more sense than you.

Sincerely,

Hugh Flynt, Illusions Gentleman's Club

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Dear Tennessee Country Chicken,

I was eating breakfast in your restaurant the other day. I went to sit at the front window to admire your shrubbery when I saw them. At the base of your shrubs, I saw a dozen small, brown birds. All of them were picking at the ground. I alerted the manager about these pests, and he completely blew me off, muttering something about a "bird sanctuary."

I want you to to fire that rude manager and hire someone to shoo those birds off. If nothing is done, I'm bringing my cat to take care of the problem. Not only will my cat take care of the problem; I'll save money on cat food.

Sincerely,

David Audoban

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Audoban,

How very ironic that have a similar name to a foremost ornithologist when you yourself hate birds so much!. Yes, there is a bird sanctuary very nearby, and what you were seeing is the critically endangered Münchhausen's Sparrow, barely brought back from the brink of extinction by that very sanctuary. The birds like to come over for the birdseed we put out for them, and our customers genuinely love to see such rare birds.

Not only do we refuse your request, but if you do bring your cat to our restaurant, we have every right to call the police and have you arrested for violating the law against bringing pet animals into places of business. You are hereby invited to dine elsewhere.

Sincerely,
Bob White, owner,
Tennessee Country Chicken

* * * * *

Dear Restaurant Owner,

I came by the other night for a hamburger. When I tried to order one, the idiot at the counter rudely informed me that this was a pizza shop. Well, how was I to know that? He proceeded to point out the menu, the name of the place written on the uniform of every loser working there and on the front door, and even said he greeted me with 'Welcome to Luigi's Pizza, may I take your order?' Well, I've got better things to do than listen to some pimple-faced moron's babblings or stare at signs!

I demand that you give me $200,000 for my embarrassment and suffering and fire that dumbass, I think his name was Andy, or Adam, or Alan, or some stupid thing, I didn't really look at his nametag. Not that it matters, they're all morons, or they wouldn't work there.

Sincerely,
Will Not-Read

[Kit-Ginevra]

Dear Mr.Not-Read

I apologize most sincerely for our staff member's lack of helpfulness and wish to thank you for highlighting a glaring omission in our training manual-previously we have only shown our staff how to deal with customers who have a mental capacity exceeding that of an amoeba. As compensation,please find enclosed vouchers for a selection of 7'' pizzas of your choice(good only at Bert's Burgers).
As for the embarrassment and suffering you have been put through,I consider this to be minimal compared to the embarrassment and suffering of being Mr. Not-Read for which no amount of money could ever compensate you.

Sincerely,
Luigi Piatto Criceto
Owner,Luigi's Pizzas

*******
Dear Sportstravaganza
I am mortified beyond belief. I brought my 12-year-old daughter to your store to find that the new season cheer jerseys were in. She was so delighted she could not wait for the fitting room to empty,but had to try it on there and then. It was then that we noticed a group of lads in the adjoining Pennants section were watching her and enjoying the spectacle.

What sort of shop is it where decent families cannot take off their clothing in a public place without being gawped at like a piece of meat by young hoodlums-the parents obviously don't teach their children any morals nowadays

As compensation for her humiliation,I demand a free cheer outfit each year for the rest of her time in high school and that you pay for the full cost of the psychological treatment she will need as a result of being traumatized by these lads' perverted antics or I will tell all the papers about the degenerates and hoodlums you let roam your store...

Sincerely,
C.I. Flashett (Mrs.)

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Flashett,

Most people have the sense to use the changing rooms to undress to try on clothes. The reason people were gawking is because they couldn't believe their eyes. That's why we have fitting rooms. Admittedly, those boys' actions were inappropriate, but so was changing clothes in the open.

Not only will we not give you any uniforms, we are banning you from our store because you let your 12-year-old daughter commit a lewd act.

Sincerely,

James Wade, Store Manager
Sportstravaganza

-----

Dear WIXD,

How dare you interrupt the music I was listening to. I was listening to the new Lil' Wayne song when I heard an awful sound. Then, some guy gets on the air, saying something about a severe thunderstorm coming into my area. How dare you! Nobody should ever interrupt the greatness of Lil' Wayne under any circumstance.

I demand that you give me your entire music library, or I will come down there with a bulldozer and knock down your building and your antenna.

Sincerely,

Katrina Hazel

[Kit-Ginevra]

Dear Miss Hazel,

For once,I am in total agreement with a consumer's complaint. By your admission,you heard an awful sound.That WAS the Lil'Wayne song. As a direct result of the thunderstorm blocking your hearing of this song,the entire WIXD team will be performing a rain dance for the next week. You are welcome to our music library.Please-take our playlist too.Just leave the antenna and substitute the library with something that passes for music.

Yours sincerely,
'Turbo Tom' Tigawniez (underpaid angel of the airwaves),WIXD.

*****
Dear All-American Steakhouse,
You state in your brochure that you are proud to hire the very best homegrown American waiters and waitresses and 'each of them on their name pin will have the name and flag of their respective home state'.Our server,Amista(probably a mis-spelling of Misty) had some funny flag that I've never seen before-and I know all my flags.
It also said she comes from Gommi or Gummi or Gummiland or something weird like that-it sounds like some sort of children's fairytale land.I know my states and that isn't one of them and if people don't like their state,they can't just make one up.
I expect a full guarantee that this foreigner be carted off to whichever country she slipped in from and that in future I may inspect all your waitresses to make sure I am happy with their state.

Yours sincerely,
A Proud Patriotic American Citizen

[catcul]

Dear Patron,

Apparently, you have a problem reading. In our brochure, we state that we are proud that we use American beef, chicken, and vegetables. Nowhere does it say that we hire only "homegrown" waiters and waitress since that would be considered discrimination. The only servers that have first names starting with "A" are Aaron Statler from Goldsboro, NC, and Amy Stone from Punta Gorda, Belize. Both happen to be going to school at the nearby University. Before you ask, Amy has a valid work visa.

The only thing I can guarantee is if you make a scene, we will ask you to leave and never come back.

Sincerely,

Clint Washington, All-American Steakhouse

-----

Dear Stony Wall Movie Theater,

How dare you kick me out of your theater in the middle of a movie. I was yelling at the screen, warning Vin Diesel not to enter a room where Mel Gibson was waiting to kill him. All of a sudden, an usher came to my seat, telling me to leave immediately or the police will be called. When I asked him, he told me that I was bothering the other customers and the people on the screen can't hear me. When I asked for a refund, the manager flat out refused. I was on a date with a woman I had been interested for the past two years. It was our first date. Thanks to your staff, she decided she didn't want to go on a second date.

I want you to give me my money back and fire that rude usher and his rude manager. Remember reading about the US Supreme decision saying that we can't yell "fire" in a theater? Let's just say, when someone yells fire in your theater, it won't be illegal.

Sincerely,

Doofy Duke

[Kit-Ginevra]

Dear Mr.Duke,

Our ushers sympathize immediately with Mr.Diesel's predicament-for they were also warned about entering a room where there was likely to be killing taking place.
In their case,it was a close call as to who would kill you first.

Would it be the patrons,enraged at your continual warning to Mr.Diesel(who could not hear you) and them(who could)of the movie's plot,and planning to invoke the little known Supreme decision that if someone ruins a movie plot in such a winner,is allowed to be seized,tarred and feathered?

Or would it be a woman who you are so interested in that it took you 2 years to shift your backside and get her to the movies.You have as much chance of getting to second base as a second date?

The next time you hear someone yell fire,it won't be in a theatre,it will be on a parade ground with a little white flag fluttering.

Yours sincerely,
Rock Capone
Manager,Stony Wall Movie Theater.

***************************************

Dear Bake America!

Your company is lousy-I travel all the way to your store to complete my state cake tin collection and what do I find-no Wyoming!!The sales girl even had the nerve to try and fob me off with a Colorado shaped tin. Unbelievable! I demand a $2500 gift voucher and the right to dip that sales girl in cookie dough and icing or I shall be setting weevils free to enjoy your bake mix.

Yours sincerely,
Cheyenne Ghosttown.

[Kristev]

Dear Ghosttown,

You had no need to drive all that way, as our sales girl attempted to tell you, for we now sell all of our wares through Lady Warrior's website. Every single state is represented among our wares that you can purchase there, including Puerto Rico, which isn't a state, but it's ours, so who cares? Besides, all of our wares are made expertly in China. There's nothing like buying all-American memorabilia when it's got 'Made in China' on the side for all to see.

We apologize that you had to drive all that way, and we were going to give you the $2500 gift voucher . . . until you demanded the right to dip the sales girl in cookie dough and icing, which we cannot permit. Nor shall we condone the use of weevils to consume our high-quality ingredients. Therefore, we have no choice but to refuse to compensate you at all and to turn a copy of your letter over to the police.

Yours sincerely,

Miss Hong Kong, owner of Bake America!

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Dear Gifts of Gaia Rain Forest park,

I am writing to let you know that I am angry because of the things that happened to me on my trip through your rain forest park.

First of all, that dumb guide insisted that we remain with her at all times. But the trail she had us hiking on was dumb, boring, very long, had no places to sit, and had nothing but plants and little animals.

When I tried to catch a little animal, she stopped me and told me that this was the animal's home. She had the nerve to say to me "How would you like it if someone else came into your home and tried to catch and cook you?" That made me so angry!

Then I followed a little butterfly that the guide called all of our attention to. She said it was a nearly extinct species that the park's biologist and a nearby vet had worked together to save from the brink, but I didn't care. It was so beautiful that I just had to follow it. The guide tried to stop me, only to have the other people on the tour, including my wife, tell her to let me go.

Next thing I know, I'm lost in the park, running from venomous snakes. I finally get away from the snakes by starting a fire, and I catch and kill an animal to eat. Suddenly, a tribe of angry wild cats surrounds me, trying to take my food! I can't find the trail, and the guide and the other people are nowhere to be found.

I'm badly scratched up, and I scream for help, but the only thing that comes my way is animals. The next day, one of the park's rangers finally decides to show himself and come rescue me. I'm so mad I push him down the hill to deal with the snakes while I take his jeep and drive off.

I demand ten billion dollars in compensation and that you remove every animal there except the little ones that are good to catch and eat, and replace all that humid rain forest with corporate offices and shopping centers. If you don't, I'll go capture all the animals in the park and set them loose on your office!

Signed,

Mr. Hart Lease-Twat.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Lease-Twat,

We require that our guests stay on marked trails because the rain forest can be a very dangerous place. Since you wandered off the trail, we are charging you with trespassing. That butterfly that our staff brought back from critically endangered to vulnerable is called the Bolivar Butterfly. We ask that our guest don't bother it.

You also admitted to committing arson and killing an animal. I just hope the animal you killed is a "least concern" species. You're lucky that those wild cats were only interested in your victim. We have jaguars in the forest. They kill victims by biting their heads.

You also admitted that that you pushed our ranger down a hill and stole his jeep. You should consider yourself lucky that he suffered only cuts and bruises. That makes you guilty of aggravated assault and car theft.

Not only is your requests denied, but we have asked the government to give you a new home at the Tweed Correctional institute. Now you will know what it feels like being captured.

Sincerely,

Darwin Attenborough

-----

Dear Falcon's Flight Golf Course,

The other day, I was on the 13th hole when I hit my ball over a fence. I found my ball when this guy came out of a building, yelling at me, muttering something about "his yard," "his house," and "out of bounds." When I was about to address the ball, this jerk proceeded to dump this huge bucket of golf balls and dared me to hit my ball in all of that. When I managed to clear the other balls from my ball, this guy grabs me and throws me over the fence. That's when the rude course marshal drives up and tells me that to leave the course immediately, and that I was banned from the course.

I demand a lifetime of free access to your golf course. I also demand that you fire that rude ball dumping employee and the rude course marshal.

Sincerely,

Sandcat Forest

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Forest,

You hit balls on someone else's property. Therefore, no one will be fired and you are banned for life.

Sincerely,

G. Olfer
Manager



Dear Clothing Store Manager,

I was in your store planning to buy some clothes. However, I had a panic attack in your fitting room since the space was small and I felt boxed in. It took a few minutes to find the door and when I finally did, I rushed out with my purse and left the clothes. I demand you give me free clothing for life, remove the doors on the fitting rooms and restroom stalls, replace them with curtains, or I will start trying on clothes at the front entrance.

Sincerely,

C. L. Austrophobic

[mjr]

Dear Clothing Store Manager,

I was in your store planning to buy some clothes. However, I had a panic attack in your fitting room since the space was small and I felt boxed in. It took a few minutes to find the door and when I finally did, I rushed out with my purse and left the clothes. I demand you give me free clothing for life, remove the doors on the fitting rooms and restroom stalls, replace them with curtains, or I will start trying on clothes at the front entrance.

Sincerely,

C. L. Austrophobic

Dear Ms. Austrophobic:

We are a clothing store that works off of charitable donations of clothing, and as such you will not be receiving clothing for life.

Additionally, your demand to replace the doors on the fitting rooms and restrooms with curtains is denied. You are the only one who has complained about this. With regard to trying on clothes at the front entrance, let's just say that there are laws against that kind of thing.

Disrespectfully,

S. P. Ine
Manager


Dear Sit-Down-Chain Restaurant Manager:

I went into your restaurant a couple of days ago to enjoy a good meal. I couldn't, however, because the young, twenty-something waitress at my table was too smoking hot! Because of this, I had trouble ordering my food, and I couldn't concentrate on eating it, because I was aroused by the smoking hot waitress! She kept teasing me, too! I think she knew I was attracted to her because she would walk by in such a way that I couldn't help but look at her behind. I'm a twenty-something single guy myself. Of course I was going to look! She also teased me by coming up to my table and asking me if everything was OK, or if I needed a refill of my drink!

You shouldn't have women that smoking hot as waitresses at your restaurants!

Therefore, I deserve free meals every time I come in, and I also demand that you show me the potential waitresses that you are planning to hire, for my approval!

And if you do hire hot ones, I should be able to ask them out, and they should have to go on a date with me! Also, let the smoking hot one know that I left my name and phone number on a business card for her! I want to take her on a date!

Demandfully,

Horn E. Guy

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Guy,

Our waiters and waitresses are there to serve food and drinks. They are supposed to be friendly, and serve food and drinks to our customers. She wasn't teasing you in the slightest. If you have a problem around attractive women, that's your problem. However, if you start harassing our staff, it will become our problem, and if that becomes big enough, it'll become a police problem.

You can give the waitresses your number, but they will not be required to go out with you. In fact, Michelle, your last waitress, thinks you're creepy.

Sincerely,

Andrew Shoney

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Dear Diesel Gaming Network,

How dare you ban me from your network. I was enjoying a game online, telling one noob about how I enjoyed ing his mother's . Then another came on and challenged me to a game. I told him that he must like having a 's up his while he was on another 's .

Apparently, he didn't have a sense of humor. He sent me a message writing that he was an administrator and wrote something about offensive and abusive language. Now I can't get back on your network to play ing multiplayer games.

I demand that you give me free access for an extra ing year. I also demand you fire that ing administrator and ban the s and the s.

Sincerely,

David Duke

[mjr]

Dear Mr. Duke:

What the do you think the administrators are there for? Now that we know that you used abusive ing language, because you ing used it in your mother ing complaint, you can be sure we don't want you playing our ing games!

Oh, and as far as your demands? Go yourself! It's probably the only ing you get, you piece of !

you,

Cen Sored
CEO, Diesel Gaming Network

#########

Dear Big Box Department Store:

I went to your store because the name of the store made it seem like you sold Walls. When I went in, I didn't see walls for sale ANYWHERE!!

What kind of stupid store are you where your name says that you sell something that you don't? I went to your store for nothing! You don't sell walls! Your store name says you do!

I'm a very, very important person, and I know I'm right!!

I am very inconvenienced and I demand compensation!

Therefore, my demand is to be given the CEO's salary for a year, for him to personally apologize for me, for all the employees to grovel at my feet every time I come into your store, and for the employees to cater to my every whim!

Unrespectfully,

I.M. Unreasonable

[Kit-Ginevra]

Dear Mr Unreasonable.

If you think that every company's name is completely descriptive of what it sells,then you are going to have some unwelcome surprises. Boots does not sell footwear. Woolie's does not sell warm sweaters. And you will be very disappointed at Superdrug.

You would not want to be the CEO.Despite the salary,his days are spent dealing with customers one level up the evolutionary scale from an amoeba.The employees may well fall at your feet when you enter the store.It is not to grovel to you.More than likely they will be tying your shoelaces together. And as for catering to your every whim,we are aware of some of your whims. Most of them are illegal in our state.As well as physically endangering the health(mental and physical) of our staff.

Yours not-very-sincerely, Theophilus High,All-powerful manager.

*************************
Dear Continental Hotel Company
I went to book a suite in your Medicine Hat hotel.I was told it was all sold out because it was Thanksgiving.Your staff not only don't want my booking,but they are so dumb they can't even come up with a convincing lie.It's nowhere near yet.Train them to use a calendar properly.
I demand to have the penthouse suite for the entire Thanksgiving weekend(that's November for your dumbass staff)with a fully catered banquet(all gratis) as payment for the inconvenience. Otherwise I shall come up there and stick a few half dozen pumpkins so far up your staff's wazoos they won't be giving thanks for anything until Groudhog Day.

Yours sincerely,
Miss Maple Leafkiller.