The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Graceffa,

It's illegal to block driveways and we have your tax information in a safe spot. Also, we sent a copy of your letter to the police because of your threat. If you want your car back, you need to come down to the impound lot and pay the fine. By the way, the fine is $200.

Sincerely,

A. U. Tocar
Manager



Dear Santa Claus,

My children sent letters to you that involved items that they wanted for Christmas. On Christmas Day, their Christmas was ruined because they didn't get everything on their lists. I demand you start sending every item on their lists from now on. If you don't, I will send a machine with a wrecking ball to smash your toy factory.

Sincerely,

Ann Titledparent

[Tyg3rW01f]

Ann Titledparent,

We, the Post Office, are not responsible for posting letters to Santa Claus, as the individual has neither address nor proven existence.

Signed,
K

=================
((Yes, REAL LIVE Yahoo! News story!!!))

Pedanticorp,

How DARE you fire me for my costume on Halloween!! I put a great deal of thought and effort into it, and even won an award for it today!
I demand my job back and an apology, or I will show up for work nude for a week!

Signed,
#SomeSKANKinMI

[cindybubbles]

Dear SomeSKANKinMI:

You were not fired for your costume, but for your insensitivity towards the victims of the Boston Marathon Bombing incident by taking a picture of the costume. Had you kept it to yourself, you could have kept the job and avoided any online firestorm.

Sincerely,

Pedanticorp

Dear Commissioner:

Why the frell did you fire me? You never told me that the evidence locker is not a free pharmacy for cops like me! And it was only a tiny bit of crack cocaine that I smoked; I never go for that "sissy" marijuana stuff!

Signed,

Former Captain I.M. Hooked

[catcul]

Dear Former Captain Hooked,

You were taught proper handling of evidence when you were trained for the job. Using the crack cocaine for your personal use is considered to be tampering with evidence. Because of that, notorious drug dealer Lorenzo "Fast Eddie" Hooker was acquitted of drug dealing. Thanks to you, our drug division lost 4 good months of hard work.

We are turning your letter along with your positive drug test and the surveillance footage of you taking the crack cocaine from the evidence locker.

Sincerely,

Lieutenant Parr Aiya, Internal Affairs Division

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Dear Superfoods Grocery,

I came into your store yesterday morning to get some groceries. When I go to check out, I was appalled to find that only one lane was open. When I asked the cashier why more lanes weren't open, she mentioned that I the other 4 cashiers were helping to stock the shelves and that I was the only customer in the store.

How dare she? When I walk into a grocery store, I expect to have at least 5 lanes open so I can choose who I check out with. I absolutely refuse those self checkout things. That's how Putin is spying on me. I demand you give me a free full bottle of propane so I can grill my pork chops next week.

Sincerely,

Snow F. Lake

[XCashier]

Dear Ms. Lake,

You were here shopping at 1:00 AM. We are a 24-hour location, but very few people actually shop that early in the morning. It would not be good for our payroll to have more cashiers on hand than we need at the time. Therefore, most of our cashiers are on the clock during peak hours, which are Mon-Fri 5:00 PM-8:00 PM and Sat-Sun 11:00 AM-7:00 PM. If you wish to have multiple choice of cashiers, you are welcome to come back during those hours, though you will have to deal with scores of other customers who also want all of those cashiers.

Your request is denied.

Sincerely,
Mary Prankster, owner,
Superfoods Grocery

*****

Dear Friendly Towing,

I am most outraged at the fact that you towed my car! How was I to know that I wasn't allowed to park at that abandoned restaurant? Yes, I saw the sign that said, "No Parking, Tow Away Zone" with your name and number, but the sign was confusing! How was I to know it meant me?

I demand $100,000 for my embarrassment and inconvenience! I also demand you fire that smart-alec tow truck driver who treated me like an idiot for parking there.

Sincerely,
Bette R. Thanyou

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Thanyou,

We really don't know how much simpler we can make the sign. We could make them read "Don't park here or your car will be towed." Unfortunately, the city won't let us do that. If you don't have a permit to park there, don't park there.

As for your demands, you will receive a grand total of $0, and we will not fire Clutch.

Sincerely,

Gus Hook, Gas Alley Towing

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Dear Dean of Science,

I was in the chemistry lab this past Wednesday as required by the chemistry class that I take. I guess I should say I used to take. I was eating a granola bar in the fume cupboard when that rude lab supervisor started yelling at me, muttering something about corrosive and poisonous chemicals. When I went to chemistry class the next day, the professor informed me that he dropped me from his class. Now I have an F in chemistry. Since I was already on academic probation, I will be suspended next semester for certain.

Reinstate me in chemistry class and instruct the professor to give me an A, or the university might find out what happens when flammable chemicals meet a lit Bunsen burner.

Sincerely,

Bubba Leonard

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Leonard,

Yes, we well remember you. You have a record longer than ten academic textbooks put together, and that's terrible, considering it is merely your first semester.

Ms. Chlorine Bleachman was correct in warning you about eating in the fume cupboard. You could have been killed if you'd stayed in there another minute! Naturally she went to Professor Comet to remind him to give his class a discussion about proper lab proceedures, which angered him because he was very thorough at the start of the semester in discussing lab safety to being with.

Professor Comet simply had had enough of your misbehavior, since you had already very nearly poisoned your lab partner and she nearly sued us for it. He asked me for permission, which I granted, and he dropped you.

I have personally taken the liberty of forwarding this letter to the police. However, I will consider letting you back into school if you do this one assignment exactly as I state it: Go into your own bathroom, lock the door, make sure you are alone, then mix bleach and ammonia in your bathtub. I think you'll find the results quite . . . breathtaking.

Normally I'd tell someone like you "Don't hold your breath," but in your case, you'd better do that.

Signed,

Dr. Jeanne Yuss, Dean of science at Brilliant as the Sun University.

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Dear For Love of the Game,

I came into your emporium with my son the other day to participate in a card game tournament, and I went ahead and spent a hundred dollars on the silly cards he needed to play.

They at first pretended to be nice, welcoming him into the game and accepting him as a new player. But as it turns out, my son has been playing for years. He just can't seem to stay in a gaming group. They must all be jealous because he wins so frequently.

Well, as he was playing, his opponents kept on complaining about things he was doing. Finally, in the final round, they went to the judge and he asked to see my son's deck. My son was using cards that were banned from the game, with a list right up on the wall.

The judge voided my son's victories and demanded that the matches my son played in must be re-started. However, my son refused, and why should he? The judge didn't ask anyone else to give up their victories and face their opponents again with revised decks! It's completely unfair!

My son naturally did the most sensible thing he could - he overturned the game table and stomped on everyone else's cards until they were all completely ruined. Then I tried to return the cards my son had bought, but the shopkeeper wouldn't accept them. She had the nerve to say that once a deck is opened, it is useless to her.

Idiot lady, the joke's on her, because while I was busy with her, my son stuffed her entire supply of game cards in his bag. Only trouble is, now they won't let my son play anywhere.

I demand you fire that terrible shopkeeper and remove that judge, and declare my son the automatic winner when he wants to come play that game again. And throw in a million dollars and a public apology on the six o'clock news! If you don't, I will set the Hypocrites So Concerned About Immorality, Satanism, And Violence That They're Willing To Resort To Violence To Get Their Way against you, as I happen to be a member. Once they get a look at these Satanic cards and their filthy pictures of scantily clad girls and demons and everything else, they'll burn your store at the stake and you and all the game players with it!

Signed Mr. N. Able Er, father of Chee T. Er.

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mr. E. Able Er:

I must thank the owners of For Love of the Game for forwarding this letter to me.

Unfortunately, when your son overturned the game table, stomped on all those cards and stuffed them into his bag, he committed what we like to call "a crime". For your information, a crime is committed when you do something that is against the law.

When a crime is committed, police are called to arrest the offender; in this case, your son. My partner has already arrested him; he is now in a holding cell downtown, where you may come to post bail.

You may indeed be on the six-o-clock news, but definitely not in a good way. You also might want to find a very good lawyer, as your son is facing six to ten years in prison for theft and vandalism charges.

Sincerely,

Comm. On Sense

-------------------------------------------

Dear Principal:

I am VERY ANGRY that you expelled my daughter! VERY!

So what if she beat some loser to a bloody pulp? She's part of the popular crowd, so it's necessary to weed out the weaklings in the school!

So what if you say she used Facebook to "bully" that girl into suicide? That girl was an ugly dork! She deserved it!

So what if she "sexually harassed" the so-called "married" teacher? You can't stop romantic love! Besides, everyone knows it will always the teacher's fault! He should be the one to be kicked out, not my daughter!

And now my daughter is "assaulting" other kids just because she thinks they're gay? Well, I'll tell you this: as a fundamentalist Christian, I believe it is our moral duty to kill all gay people on God's behalf, but we're only holding back here because we don't want to go to jail! Jail is where you come in straight, but come out gay!

You WILL be hearing from my lawyer and the media about this!

Sincerely,

Ms. Chris Chen-Hypocrite

[crazylegs]

Dear Ms. Chen-Hypocrite,

Unfortunately the reason for the expulsion of your child has not been correctly explained to you. It is merely due to the enforced absence of your child that they have been expelled, I understand this absence is due to them being detained at Her Majesties Pleasure at one of her more secure premises.

I trust this explanation is to your liking, should you wish to contest this you may do so at the Court of Appeal.

Regards

Mr. L. A. Wabider

--------------------------------------

Dear Chemist,

I am writing in disgust at my recent treatment from one of your so called expert staff. I can see no reason why I cannot buy in bulk all the sudafed I want, nor why you would sell it to my friends I sent in to get it for me. Phoning the police was the last straw, please be aware I'm now going to sue you for ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Yours,

Krystal M. Eth

[Kristev]

Dear Ms. Eth,

It has been against the law for years now to buy massive quantities of cold medicines, due to the discovery that they are useful in the making of illegal and dangerous drugs. My employee was quite right to summon aid from the police. Drawing your friends in looks like conspiracy. We are obliged to follow the law, not help a woman who is making and selling her own drugs.

Sorry, but the only thing you're getting from us is a ban,

Signed,

Dr. Benny Volent, pharmacist.

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Dear Adventures travel agency,

My wife and I, and Cindi, my twenty-year old girlfr . . . secretary, booked a cruise on The Renew Your Love Boat with your agency, for the Hawaiian Islands. We sailed around the islands, and while we were on the ship, at midnight, my wife and I were having coffee on the dock. I showed her some beautiful lights in the sky, and gave her my binoculars, but the klutz dropped them. As she leaned over to get them, I pu . . . lled her back, trying to save her, but she fell into the ocean, and disappeared.

Suddenly two British busybodies started screaming at me, saying they saw me push my wife overboard. The male busybody called the captain before I could, while the female busybody grabbed an inflatable boat and went down to go look for my wife on her own. She didn't find her and soon disappeared.

My poor wife! Naturally I was bereft when the captain arrived, and needed all night to compose myself. Good old Cindi comforted me and stayed by my side until dawn.

Those two women were never found for the rest of the cruise.

I was having my marriage to Cindi when guess who shows up at the wedding but? It's my wife and the two British busybodies, both the man who called the captain and the woman who started to look for my wife! I'd just finished kissing the bride!

So what if it's been only three days since the cruise was over? So what if the Englishwoman served in the British navy and was a master of the sea, thus making her the best person possible to find and save my wife?

I demand that you give my wife a free cruise, just for her. I'll arrange the details myself. I also demand that you compensate me ten million dollars, one million for the ruined cruise and the remaining nine for the cost of my wedding to Cindi. Cindi demands money, too, saying that the emotional distress of seeing me arrested for bigamy and attempted murder is too much for her to bear.
I'm under emotional distress, too, since the insurance check on my wife was cancelled as soon as she returned home . . . We were counting on that money!

And I want out of this prison! I don't belong in here! I didn't do anything wrong. I swear, I didn't! Cindi and I just want to be together.

Signed,

Dick Dangle & Cindi C. Lutt

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[catcul]

Dear Mr. Dangle,

We must thank you for writing this letter, and Adventures Travel Agency for forwarding this to our office. Which wife did you want the free cruise for?

According to the cameras on the cruise ship, you picked up your wife's legs as she was leaning over the rail. Those two former "busybodies" were in the British Army and British Navy. In fact, Yeoman Bindi Smith, the former navy woman, was a search-and-rescue specialist for the British navy. You're lucky that the US Coast Guard found both women.

Personally, I wouldn't worry about money from a Travel Agency or the life insurance company. My advice is to plead guilty to attempted homicide and hope the judge is lenient.

Sincerely,

Andy Hana, Office of the District Attorney

-----

Dear Mega Fireworks Warehouse,

I went to your store this summer to celebrate the 4th of July. I bought a basket full of fireworks but I couldn't find any lighters. I asked the clerk about lighters, and she told me that you weren't allowed to sell them. When I asked where I could find a lighter, she told me to go to the gas station down the street. Is she crazy? Why would the gas station have lighters? There's flammable liquid at the gas station.

I demand that you stock lighters in the future. I also retrain your clerk about lighters at gas stations.

Sincerely,

Sparky Fugue

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mr. Fugue:

You were lucky that the clerk was concerned for everyone's safety in this case.

We are not allowed to sell lighters because of this equation:

lighters + fireworks = massive explosion

Also, the flammable liquid at the gas station is usually contained in gas tanks, so it's much safer to buy lighters there than here.

Finally, did you know that all convenience stores sell lighters? And that all gas stations have convenience stores? Of course those of us with a brain would know not to light up at a gas station!

Sincerely,

Mr. No Nonsense, CEO of Mega Fireworks Group.

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Dear Chief Firefighter:

Why the heck did your men have to go into my house and drag out my wife, kids, and mother-in-law? My kids are brats, my wife is always yelling at me, and my mother-in-law is always complaining about this or that! Now that you saved them all, I'll have to listen to everyone's bickering, fighting, yelling and complaining over and over for the rest of my life!

You should have left them all there! My house was on fire for a GOOD reason!

Sincerely,

Mr. Henpecked Husband

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Husband,

My office has determined that the fire at your house was aided by an accelerant known as gasoline. Many of your neighbors have seen you light your house on fire from the outside.

Combining the evidence, witness testimony, and your letter, I would say that you won't have to worry about dealing with your three kids, wife, or mother-in-law ever again. I believe the district attorney is planning charges of aggravated arson and five counts of attempted murder.

Sincerely,

Bill Carey, Fire Marshall

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Dear Bookshelf Book Store,

I decided that I needed a book on plastic surgery, so I asked the male clerk where I could find one. He showed me the section. I asked him to guess what I was planning on having done. He tried to avoid the question. I told him I needed breast reduction surgery because my huge breasts were hurting my back. Suddenly, he turned this shade of red and wouldn't look at me. I grabbed his hand to feel my breasts. He rudely jerked his hand away and practically ran away from me.

I demand that you give me $500 in books and fire that rude employee.

Sincerely,

Fiona F. Freeman

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Freeman,

We won't be firing the employee and have encouraged him to press charges for sexual harassment. Also, your request for $500 in books has been denied.

Sincerely,

Reed Er
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

You had absolutely no right to fire my daughter and have her arrested! All she did was light up a cigarette at the register because a customer really ticked her off. I demand you drop the charges and rehire her. If you don't, I will come into the store smoking a cigarette and wearing nothing.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Naturalsmoker

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Naturalsmoker,

Your daughter was caught smoking a cigarette at her register. We have three problems with that. First, she was obviously slacking off when she should have been working. Second, we do not allow smoking inside or near the propane tanks. Thankfully, she wasn't near the propane tanks. Third, your daughter is 16 years old. By law, she was not allowed to have any tobacco products of any kind. That's why she was fired and arrested.

We will not rehire your daughter. If you come down here and smoke nude, we will call the police again.

Sincerely,

Byrd Perdue, Superfood Groceries

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Dear CompTIA,

How dare you? I was taking the Security+ exam last week. I was using index cards I made from home to help me. When I finished, the receptionist at the test taking center told me that I not allowed to bring any outside materials, and she was reporting me to you. Now I find out that not only that my test results are nullified, but I'm not allowed to retake the test for another six months. As if that wasn't bad enough, now my A+ and Network+ certifications are also nullified. You're telling me that I have to retake all three of those exams, too?

I find all of this unacceptable. I demand that you reinstate my A+ and Network+ certifications. I also demand that you give me the Security+ certification that I worked hard for.

Sincerely,

Chi Turr