The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Smart,

It is impossible for anyone to memorize the prices since we carry hundreds of ideas. Many items change often. However, we have reprimanded him for leaving his till unattended. After all, he could have called the produce department from the registers. However, it is only a verbal warning. We will not fire him since he is a good employee who knows what he is doing.

Sincerely,

I. M. Big, Store Manager, Fresh and Ready Grocers

-----

Dear Fire Bird, Inc.,

I recently bought your fire log and I read this on the side, "Caution: Risk of Fire." How stupid do you think I am? I know there is a risk of fire. I bought it so I can start a fire in my fireplace. Why would you put that on there? I believe you should remove that warning and engage in a bit of Darwinism. If they don't think something called a FIRE LOG is flammable, they deserve to have their house burn down.

Sincerely,

Barry Hartless

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mr. Hartless:

We don't think that you are stupid. Really, we don't. However, we cannot say the same for some of our other customers.

You see, unfortunately, we cannot remove the warning label as a result of a lawsuit launched against us. In this case, the plaintiff thought that it would be a good idea to light the log on the table while drinking. As a result, 90% of his body was covered in third degree burns. He was lucky to have survived.

The reason for this warning label was that the plaintiff thought that the log was a large Yule log-like Christmas cake and he wanted to flambe it for his wife.

So, if we remove the label, we risk going to prison, which means, no company. No company, no fire logs.

We apologize for your inconvenience.

Sincerely,

Mary Mae
President
Fire Bird, Inc.

---------------------------------------

Dear King.com

Your Candy Crush game is too HARD! I've been stuck on Level 1 for 10 years, and have exhausted all of my savings buying candy hammers!

Please make it easy!

(not true in real life: I'm stuck on level 478)

Sincerely,

Spoiled Princess

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Ms Princess,

Since Candy Crush is too difficult for you to progress on, may I suggest instead trying a game at this link instead?

http://www.knowledgeadventure.com/age/5-year-old-games/

The games here are for five year olds, which matches your mental age exactly so I think you will be pleased with this solution.

Yours Sincerely,

King.com

~~~

Dear Manager of Supermarket,

I would like to complain about the lack of stock available in your store. I showed up on Christmas Eve at five thirty five, and there were no turkeys, no sprouts and no fresh bread sauce! Also, the cashier who served me had the nerve to suggest that since the store was closing in half an hour, the stock had run out. I am disgusted and appalled at your lack of planning. I demand a gift voucher, or I will never shop in your store again.

Yours Sincerely,

Mrs Cantplanahed

[cindybubbles]

Dear Ms. Cantplanahed

Between September and Black Friday, we've been up to our EYEBALLS in Christmas stock. You could have picked a day between those times to shop.

We also have families like you do, and would love to spend Christmas Eve with them, just as you would like to do with yours. That's why we close at 6 on Christmas Eve.

Finally, we have your picture, so I'm going to honour your request to never shop again, and ban you permanently.

Sincerely

Karl Wright
Manager
Metro Foods

------------------------

Dear Police Office:

I demand that you drop the charges against me! So what if my neighbour hates Christmas? He deserved being stabbed in the back so that I could make Christmas stuffing with his meat and blood! And don't I have the right to decorate my Christmas tree with his Grinchy bones? And how about the "tofurky" that I made out of his brains, heart and lungs? Delish!

I demand that you let me go, at least so I can spend a proper Christmas with my family and my neighbour Scrooge's remains!

Signed,

Mrs. Christmas Freak

[XCashier]

Dear Police Office,

Please, please don't release our mother from prison! She's been terrorizing us for years, absolutely obsessed with Christmas, demanding that every Christmas be perfect, beating us bloody if we hit a sour note while singing Carols, threatening the weatherman if there's no snow, forcing us to eat all kinds of unidentifiable things for Christmas dinner. And now she's murdered and butchered our neighbor, decorating the house with his body parts and sending our sister Ivy to the mental ward.

She's made our lives a living hell since we were born, and has completely ruined our lives. We never want to see her ever again. Please keep her in prison where she belongs, where she won't hurt anybody ever again. Oh, and tell her we've converted.

Happy Hanukkah,
Merry, Noel and Holly Freak

* * * * *

Dear VoldeMart,

I can't believe the ridiculous lines here! You had every register open, yet there were lines out to the middle of the store! And some rude idiot said, "it's Christmas season, what do you expect?"

I demand that you fire that rude idiot and install fifty more registers, all manned, or I will go straight to the media and tell them how horrible you are!

Sincerely,
Al About-Me

[catcul]

Dear Mr. About-Me,

Unfortunately, this is the busiest time of the year. We try to keep staffed, but unfortunately, many temporary workers quit after a week. If you would like to shop with little foot traffic, I'd suggest shopping here at about 2 am. We don't tend to be busy during that time.

Sincerely,

Chris Krampus

-----

Dear Closet Background Screening Company,

How could you do this to me? I wanted a job at the local hospital, so I filled out your consent form. I found out that I didn't get the job. Apparently, they told me that they didn't want to hire someone who forged a prescription. So what if I forged a prescription? I really wanted to try Adderall. I needed to stay awake during the day. I believe that staying awake is a sign of a good worker.

I demand that you tell that hospital to hire me, or I will sue you for $1 million.

Sincerely,

Walter Grey

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Grey,

Forging prescriptions is illegal. Therefore we are pressing charges.

Sincerely,

Screening Company



Dear Gas Station Manager,

I was pumping gas when one of your rude employees came over and told me to turn off my engine. I told him that I didn't have time and to deal with it. He had the nerve to turn the pump off so I grabbed a gas container outside of the store, put it in my car, and drove off without paying. I want this rude employee fired for wasting my time, a $200 gift card, free gas for life, or I will set fire to your gas pumps.

Sincerely,

Tim E. Saver

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Saver,

You very nearly started a fire to begin with. If it wasn't for the quick thinking of my employee, Craig, my gas station would have been a bigger bomb than Gigli.

You must turn off your car before you begin pumping gas. And you aren't allowed to steal. But please, do come back to our gas station. My sister, a police officer, and her usual partner, a big, burly, rather aggressive hulk of a man who hates arsonists, will be waiting to greet you.

Respectlessly yours,

Otto Mobille.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Wondermart,

My fiancee and I were in your store on Christmas Eve and we were finishing up our holiday shopping. We'd had just about everything and were standing in line together. While in line, my fiancee says she must go to the restroom and can I watch our cart, so I say yes. And while she's gone, I notice the woman behind me. She's drop-dead gorgeous, a blonde in a low-cut red dress with a gold scarf. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and we get to talking. As we're talking, we kiss . . . only to have me pulled away and slapped by my fiancee, who has seen us.

Of course, I hit her back and make her fall down. And as she scrambles to get up, I kick her. Unfortunately for me, a big cowboy and his boyfriend step in. The boyfriend protects her, telling her that he'd never seen such blatant abuse before while the cowboy hits me! Getting mad at me at hearing the word abuse, my fiancee starts screeching at me like a harpy, and telling the boyfriend this isn't the first time I've decked her and she won't take this anymore. The other girl runs off, but comes back with the security guard.
"I almost slept with him!"
"You aren't missing much," my fiancee said.

I shout at my fiancee, she shouts at me, the boyfriend starts shouting at me, and the cowboy holds me back. Then the security guard, the cowboy, another man, and a rather big lesbian all pick me up and literally throw me out of the store.

I see my fiancee leave later, with the cowboy and his boyfriend. They tell me they're giving her a lift to her father's house, and that she's going to live there from now on.

I demand a million dollars in compensation, an apology from your security guard and your entire management team, everything we were going to buy in the cart for free, a hundred gift cards of a hundred dollars each, the banning of the cowboy, his boyfriend, and the phone number for that lovely blonde girl in the low-cut dress. She'll make an excellent girlfriend, when she's whipped into shape.

If you refuse, I'll go straight to the Scam City television show on Channel 8 and tell them my whole story! Wait until Yenta Talkulott gets through with you!

Signed,

Mr. I. D. Otterkentrol.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Otterkentrol,

You caused a disturbance when you decided to beat up your fiance. We have given the cowboy, his brother, and their mother a free gift card for throwing you out. We are banning you from our store because you caused a violent disturbance. You were also harassing another customer.

I wouldn't try talking to Yenta Talkulott about us. You know that blonde in the red dress and gold scarf you were harassing? That was Yenta Talkulott.

Sincerely,

Sebastian Savage, Store Manager, Wondermart Foods

-----

Dear Coliseum,

You are a bunch of liars. When you advertised that you had the Trans-Siberian Orchestra a week ago, I was expecting a typical Russian orchestra. What the hell is this ? They had an electric guitar. I don't think Franz Liszt would approve of that. You even had a guy that sounded like he had a bad case of laryngitis singing.

I demand that you refund my money and never have the Trans-Siberian Orchestra here again. They're not even from Russia. They're from New York City, NEW YORK CITY.

Sincerely,

Anton Soliere

-----
("Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24" by Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Merry Christmas, and you're welcome.)

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Soliere,

Enclosed is a refund since you didn't like our performance. However, the TSO is welcome back as often as they'd like since others enjoyed their music.

Sincerely,

O. R. Chestra
Coliseum Manager



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I came to your grocery store to shop and your rude employee told me that you were closing in 10 minutes. I told her that she had no right to rush me and that I would take as long as I wanted. She had the nerve to tell me that she wasn't allowed to work late. I was steamed so I grabbed a case of 12 pack soda, opened it, threw the cans on the floor one at a time, and stormed out. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and a $400 gift card to make up for ruining my Christmas. If you don't give me what I want, I will break into your store at two in the morning and knock all your 2 liter bottles off the shelf and then open them.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Late

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Late,

I told you that we were closing for Christmas so that our workers can spend Christmas with their families. Also, those cans of soda caused a sticky mess that our stock people had to clean. You are now banned from our store. We have you on camera so that our security can turn you away if you walk into our store at 2 am. We will not have anyone destroy our products.

Sincerely,

Donna Springs, Store Manager, Super Foods Supermarket

-----

Dear Happy Time Amusements,

How dare you call my daughter short? I took her to your park for her fifth birthday to have fun. When we got there, we tried to have her drive around your track in the go-carts. Your rude attendant told me that she was too short to use the brake properly. She could use the gas pedal. Why can't you let her drive despite not being able to use the brake?

Then we decided to try your miniature golf course. What kind of balls do you use? Every time I swung at the ball, it would bounce over the little walls. Another rude attendant came up to me and told me to knock it off, or I will be asked to leave. Since I didn't want to ruin my five-year-old daughter's birthday, I stopped playing.

Then we decided to go on the bumper boats. We asked another attendant to go onto the bumper boats. Imagine our shock when she told us that it was closed. She muttered words like "winter" and "too cold."

I demand that you refund my money and give me and unlimited pass for summer.

Sincerely,

Kevin Bohn-Hed

[Tyg3rW01f]

Mr. Bohn-Hed,
First of all, your daughter was not wearing her prosthetic when you brought her to the go-karts.
Second of all, of course we will ask you to leave the mini-golf when you continue to swing like Jack Nicklaus going for the last eagle of his Master's Tour.
Third, it is December, and you visited our CALGARY, CANADA, location. The bumper boats were not only closed, but encased in three feet of ice!

We would refund your money, except for the fact that your entire party used our Christmas coupon, which states, "Buy one child's admission half-price, get an Adult admission FREE."

Hazza Pair,
General Manager, Happy Time Amusements

--------

Dear Lightning Pizza,

My cousin lives next door to me, and ordered pizza. We had not been able to get out due to the last three days of rain. However, when your driver arrived and delivered the pizza, he left ruts in my yard!
I demand he not only fix the damage to my yard, he pay me $20 for seed, and deliver a free pizza!

Shys Ter
((BTW, this one HAPPENED to me... 1030 EST on 12-30-13))

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Mr Ter,

I am reliably informed that the delivery driver left the ruts in your yard when he was escaping the place, due to you running out waving a shotgun and yelling that you weren't going to pay. Therefore, you will not be getting any money and you already have a free pizza. Enjoy it, cuz the police have been informed of your attempt to kill my driver (we have evidence including the bullet holes in the windscreen and the spent shell casings on the passenger seat) and I'm told that the prisons in this state are not known for their cuisine.

Yours, Manager of Lightning Pizza.

~~~

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I am disgusted at you closing your supermarket on Boxing Day, when you were meant to be open. When I first tried to complain, your phones were down. The second time when I got thru to the duty manager's mobile, he had the nerve to say that the reason why they were closed was cuz of the massive flooding and the subsequent power cut. What nonsense! I haven't seen any flooding from my house on top of Gianthill Road, so there must be none. I demand you fire your duty manager for telling me lies and send me a £100 gift card.

Yours Sincerely,

Mrs Ariel Hassle.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. Hassle,

Our duty manager was telling the truth about the flood and the power outage so he won't be fired. Your gift card request is denied.

Sincerely,

C. Arrot
Manager



Dear Department Store Manager,

You had no right to have me thrown out of the store. All I did was knock items off the shelf, pour drinks on the floor, throw glass on the floor, and pour open bagged snacks on the floor so your employees would have plenty to do. I demand you send me a thank you letter and a $1200 gift card since I gave your employees work to do since you obviously don't. If you don't do what I want, I will go on the roof with a megaphone and announce to everyone that enters the store that the employees don't have enough work to do and are always bored.

Sincerely,

Jo B. Security

[cindybubbles]

Dear Ms. Security:

Our employees have plenty to do without your causing messes in the store. In fact, it is because of people like you that they either quit or are fired due to not being able to do everything at once.

Incidentally, security does want to see you again. They will be accompanied by their friends, the police.

Sincerely,

Ms. Icare About Myemployees

Manager of The Everything Store

-----------------------------

Yo, Pizza Place!

All I did was order pizza for me and my frat brothers, and that the delivery person be female and hot! You didn't have to ban me or call the cops! I want a refund and I want that hot babe back here for some ACTION!

Mr. Ilove Rape-Bait