The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Rape-Bait,

What you did was nothing short of sexual assault. You grabbed her breasts and rear constantly. You even tried to drag her into your house even after she told you she didn't want to go in. She's lucky that she has sharp fingernails. She was able to get away.

We've also talked to the other area restaurants about your house. They've had the same problems. We've put your house on a black list. Good luck trying to get anyone to deliver to your house.

Sincerely,

"Papa" Pete Sah Togo, Owner, Mama Maria's Pizza

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Dear Green Forest Cemetery,

I came to visit my father's grave when this rude caretaker told us that our children were not allowed to climb on the other grave markers. He kept muttering on about heavy gravestones and having respect for the dead. How dare he say things like that. I want my children to have fun despite having their grandfather being dead. If you have loose grave stones, you need to secure them so my children can climb them in safety.

I demand that you fire that rude groundskeeper.

Sincerely,

Mary Ghoul

[cindybubbles]

Dear Ms. Ghoul:

To the dead, the grave is their home. How would you like it if somebody's children crawled all over your home? If their grandfather was alive, I'm sure he'd beat the stuffing out of your pampered children.

I think I know some kids who are itching for action. Would you like me to send them to your house so that they can wreak havoc on it? No? Then please LEAVE THE DEAD ALONE!

Sincerely,

Mr. Digger
Groundskeeper AND Owner
Green Forest Cemetery

---------------------------------

Dear Repair Company:

Why the heck did you ban me and my business? Just because I asked for the repair guy to be young, hot and take his shirt off when he repaired my copier?

I'm a single woman who's getting past her prime, and desperate. The men I meet at the online dating sites are scum, and the men I meet offline on my own are either taken, or are scumbags, too.

Incidentally, if you DO decide to call the police, could you do me a favour and ask for officers who are young, hot and single?

Thanks,

Ms. Desperate

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Desperate,

What you did was sexual harassment. If we need to call the police, we have no control over which officers are sent over.

Sincerely,

R. E. Pair
Manager



Dear Strike Anywhere Matches Company Owner,

I got arrested and it's all your fault. Your matches claim that they're strike anywhere so I lit up a cigarette inside of a shopping mall. What you did was false advertising since strike anywhere matches should mean I can strike the match wherever and whenever I want. I demand you put on the label where they can't be used or I will hack into your system and change the label myself.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Literal

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mrs. Literal:

Our strike-anywhere matches have nothing to do with the fact that you smoked inside a building, which is illegal. You could have used a lighter or a safety match and still get in trouble with security or the police for smoking inside a building.

Therefore, common sense dictates us to ignore your request and forward this letter to the police.

Sincerely,

Mr. Match Box
Owner
Matches Inc.

---------------------------------

Hey Owner!

Why did you ban me and let this guy post this video of me on the Internet? All I did was express my frustration over not being able to eat shark fin soup!

Sincerely

Ms. Ineed Toeat Shark-Fin
#1 Shark Fin Soup Fan

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Shark-Fin,

I'm sorry, but we run an American Diner near Phoenix, AZ. We serve typical American fare. Shark fin soup is not typically American. The most exotic soup we serve is cream of potato and cheese soup. We have run this restaurant successfully since my late father, Mel, open it in 1976.

Also, everyone has a cell phone, and every cell phone has a video camera and an internet connection. You make a spectacle of yourself like you did, and the video will be posted to YouTube within 10 minutes. We have no control over that.

You are still not welcome to our restaurant.

Sincerely,

Chris Sharples, Owner, Mel's Diner

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Dear Butterfly Wings Daycare Center,

My 4-year-old son said the "F word" yesterday. What pieces of do you hire at your daycare? You need to tell your daycare teachers to watch their mouths or I will take my son elsewhere. I don't let him watch the bad TV channels or listen to rap, hip hop, or heavy metal or surf the internet, so he couldn't have gotten from any of those places.

you!

Quinn Taran-Tino

[Sunsetsky]

Dear Quinn Taran-Tino,

Have you invested in a mirror? One may give you an idea on where your son learned his language skills.

Ida English
Butterfly Wings Daycare Center

********************

Dear Happy Tails Pet Shop,

Seven months ago, I bought an 8 week old Mastiff puppy. He was cute at first, but he started to grow...and grow...and grow. The dog now weighs more then I do! I am appalled that you would sell something that would get so big and drools so much. When I tried to return him to your store, I was told that you did not do returns and that I should have done my research on dog breeds! If you do not take this dog back and give me back my money (plus the clothes he ruined by drooling on), then I'm going to go on the internet and complain about you and give you bad reviews!

Ima Marron

[XCashier]

Dear Ms. Marron,

Yes, you should have done the research on the dog before you bought him! He is a living creature, with needs and feelings same as you and me, not some trinket you display on a shelf. He needs proper training and plenty of attention, which you apparently have not done.

We will not be returning your money, as per the contract you signed when you bought him, the same one we explained to you while you waved us off. However, I have contacted the owner of a good Mastiff rescue program. She will be in touch with you shortly.

Regards,
Bernice Mountaindog, owner
Happy Tails Pet Shop

* * * * *

Dear In Stitches fabric store,

I cannot believe what horrible rude bitches you employ! I went shopping there last week, and went through every aisle, looking for the perfect fabric. Okay, so I threw a few...okay, all...bolts of fabric on the floor; did your employee have to mutter about it? And when I selected the fifty bolts and took them to the cutting counter and told another employee to cut twenty quarter-yard pieces from each one, she had the gall to inform me that she couldn't do that, it'd hold up the line! Who cares about any line, I am the customer, and the customer is always right, as I'm sure you've heard.

Finally, I go to the register, discover I left my coupons at home, and the stupid bitch at the register wouldn't give me any discounts! When I demanded that she give me some, she claimed they didn't have any coupons left, being Saturday night and all. Well, I won't put up with that nonsense, so I slapped her across her selfish face and left, leaving my fabric behind.

I demand that you fire those incompetent, rude idiots and hire new slaves who know how to serve the customers. If I want fifty cuts from a bolt, you damn well better give it to me! If I want your severed head on a silver platter, you damn well better give that to me! I am the customer and the Customer is always right! If you don't do better, I will go on every review site and write nasty reviews regarding you, and tell all my friends not to shop at your store.

Sincerely,
Ann Titlement

[cindybubbles]

Dear Ms. Titlement:

I won't fire my hard-working employees. They worked very hard to ensure the satisfaction of our customers; however since you weren't satisfied and since you destroyed our store, you are hereby banned forever.

We did have a chance run-in with your friends. They did, however, agree that your behaviour was unacceptable and that they will be dropping you as a friend very soon. They DID say that they will continue to shop at our store and will combat your negative reviews with positive ones. We have already warned our faithful regular customers about you on Reddit, Facebook and Twitter.

However, you will find some new friends. You know, those boys and girls in blue? They will be coming to your house with a pair of shiny new bracelets.

Sincerely,

Megan Stitch
Owner
In Stitches Fabrics

---------------------------

Dear Funeral Director:

How DARE you make my late wife look good for her funeral! Did you know that she bullied me when she was alive? And that she stole my inheritance and spent it all on gambling and affairs with other men? She made me a millionaire; I was a billionaire before her!

How about the time she stole our children and sent them to live with "Uncle Lawrence" of Arabia? It took me years to get them back! Her cancer couldn't have come at a better time, though!

I demand that you muck up her face and hair and dress her in the ugliest clothing for the wake tomorrow. I'm also going to sue Saudi Arabia for dragging their feet when it came to taking my children back, but that's none of your concern.

Sincerely,

Mr. Ihate MyWife

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. MyWife,

If we made the deceased ugly and the media found out, I would not get as many clients. Therefore, your request is denied.

Sincerely,

G. R. Ave
Funeral Director



Dear Supermarket Manager,

After I paid for my groceries, your rude employee told me to have a nice day. I don't appreciate it when someone tells me what kind of day to have. I demand you tell your employees to stop telling customers to have a nice day. If you don't, I will never shop at your store again.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Grumpy

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mrs. Grumpy:

I would like to redirect you to this comic:
http://dilbert.com/strips/comic/2008-02-03/

By reading this strip, hopefully, you will learn that it is much better for my employees to tell you to "Have a nice day" than to tell you to "Go to hell!" because that is EXACTLY how they feel about people like you.

I'm assuming that since you will never shop at my store again, you are hereby banning yourself from the premises? Therefore, I took the liberty of getting a picture of your face from our security cameras and am now warning my employees to call the police if they ever see you again.

Sincerely,

Mr. Brown
Owner
Brown Foods

---------------------------

Dear Doctor:

Why did you just kick me out of your office without a prescription? I NEED those antibiotics, painkillers, sleep medicine and various narcotics!

If you don't give me those drugs, I'm going to find a doctor who can and WILL! He should also be able to give these drugs to my baby, since she OBVIOUSLY needs them, and you, selfish brat that you are, won't even give them to her!

Sincerely,

Ms. Drug-Addicted Mom

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Mom,

I implore yo to get help with your addiction to prescription medicine. Because you want to give dangerous drugs to your son, I was forced both legally and ethically to report you to both the police and Child Protective Services. Hopefully, you will get the treatment that you need and your son a safe childhood.

Sincerely,

Dr. Henry Stone.

-----

Dear Bullseye Groceries,

Last week, I decided to get away from the cops. I decided to drive down the wrong way on the interstate when one of your gigantic tractor trailer trucks came out of nowhere and smashed my poor car. So what if my blood alcohol level was 0.44%? The cops wouldn't have known that if your incompetent truck driver would have gotten out of my way. Thanks to him, my car is a smashed pile of parts, and I'm recovering in the hospital awaiting trial.

I demand you fire that incompetent truck driver. I also demand that you pay for a new car, my hospital bills, and $1 million because I won't be able to drive to work for another year.

Sincerely,

Rick Les Lusch

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Lusch

You drove away from the police, and you crashed into our truck, all the while drunk. It's no wonder that your car was turned to smithereens, and personally, I'm glad of it. Anything that keeps you off the road is a plus in my book.

I will not fire that unfortunate truck driver, and instead of paying you for anything, I intend to counter-sue you on behalf of my poor driver for his own medical bills, and of course, the ruin of my truck.

I beg you to check yourself in a strict rehab, because remember, it's not just you you're putting at risk when you drive drunk, it's everyone else too.

Sincerely,

Aimee ForD'Goal, manager of Bullseye Groceries.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Fit for a Queen clothing store,

I went into your lovely shop today because I was invited to a ball hosted by the ambassador from Transylvania, and his lovely wife. Well, I looked through my closet and found that I had nothing to wear that didn't come from Elizabethan's, where I love to shop. I'd have gone there, but they closed down years ago.

So I had no choice but to spend some of my potion-making money to go buy a new dress. The ambassador's wife suggested your shop, and I gladly took her advice.

The trouble was that everyone there looked at me as if I were the creature from the black lagoon. I never saw such snooty people! Not just your customers, but all your staff, too. Nobody was willing to help me until I met your sweet salesgirl, Cindy Rella. I can't say enough nice things about Cindy.

I tried to ignore them all and kept to myself while I found clothes that, with a few alterations, I would simply adore, you know, a piece of this, a slash of that . . .

Well, when I went to pay, I discovered that I didn't have quite enough money. So I asked Cindy for a discount, and she said she had to call the manager, who just happened to be her stepmother. She brought the manager, who nearly kicked me out of the store just for looking at me. I never met such a wicked person! But I was good and ignored her rudeness.

I simply explained the situation - I merely wanted a piece of this and a piece of that, you know, so I could whip up a knock-out custom dress. Well, the manager insisted I buy all the dresses to do that, and I couldn't, so I bartered and bargained and negotiated, always trying to be fair, but I just couldn't go above my limited means. I even offered to put back a few of the dresses, but no! Your manager insisted that, since I touched them all, I had to buy them all! As if I were some grimy swamp creature!

Finally I lost it, and I got so mad that I put a little spell on your manager, your rude staff, your snooty patrons . . . I turned them all to toads. Basically everyone but myself and Cindy. Cindy was sweet to me, so I spared her. Besides, I could see that she needed a break from her abusive stepmother. I suggested Cindy make frog soup, to which Cindy laughed and thanked me for the suggestion.

Now, I won't make a long list of demands. I simply wish to offer a barter agreement. I'll give you all my money, which is about half the price of the dresses I wanted, and any service you want, in exchange for the dresses. And, of course, I'm always open to a good negotiation.

If you refuse, I'll return to your shop and conjure moths!

Have a nice day, yours truly,

Hag. L. Bargain, witch of the North swamp.

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Smith,

It seems that your mother's dementia has gotten worse. I have sent a copy of the letter she has sent us. Apparently, she believes that she's a powerful sorceress that has the ability to turn people into toads.

I hope she enjoys the dresses that she bought. She did have enough money.

Sincerely,

Glenda Enchantra, Owner, The Gothic Dress Shop of Queens

-----

Dear Fantasy Board Games,

Why do you need to make your board games so difficult? I was playing your game with my two brothers. We played three games. My older brother won two games while my younger brother won one. Do you notice how many games I won? I demand that you make a game I can win.

Sincerely,

Loser Toad

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Toad,

If you want to win, you need to practice. Unfortunately, we can't make a game you can win since we don't know what you can do.

Sincerely,

F. Antasy
Board Creator



Dear Convenience Store Manager,

I came into your store to get some coffee and some breakfast one morning. However, your rude employee refused to let me buy the items for the prices I wanted. She forced me to pay full price for the items. I want this employee fired for being rude to me and to be allowed to pay whatever I want or I will start shoplifting from your store.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Cheap

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mrs. Cheap:

I'm not firing my best employee for you. She wasn't the one who brought armloads of groceries and other merchandise to the counter, let alone coffee and breakfast. She wasn't the one who unloaded all those coupons on to the counter. She also wasn't the one who swept those coupons and other merchandise off the counter when told that those coupons weren't from our company. Finally, she wasn't the one who had to be escorted out by police when vandalizing everything in the store and then throwing a temper tantrum on the floor. It was all you. Not her. YOU.

The police have already been notified about this and about your threat to steal from the store. They know where you live and work and will be heading to you shortly with a FREE pair of shiny bracelets.

Sincerely,

Mr. Reasonable
Owner
Reasonably Convenient Group

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Dear Manager:

Why did you HAVE to make me pay to rewind my VHS tape? So what if I don't feel like rewinding? And don't you DARE talk about these new-fangled DVDs and Blue Rays! I HATE new technology; they make my head hurt!

I demand that you rewind all of my rental VHS tapes for FREE the next time!

Sincerely,

Ms. Old School