The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Wildcard,

I'm calling your bluff. We have you dead to rights, not only on the identity theft charge, but we also have you on camera using a blackjack to rob the liquor store of cash and gin, and we have several eyewitnesses that saw you blow up that bridge so many of us used to go fish on.

Your request is denied. You've been dealt a losing hand. Deal with it.

Regards,
Jack Klubb, Attorney General

* * * * *

Dear Comeon Inn,

I had a reservation last weekend, and I expected a pleasant stay at a luxurious hotel. Imagine my disgust when I went to the front desk and some smelly, dirty ragamuffin was checking into a room! How dare you let people like that stay at your hotel! And he wasn't the only one! So many filthy people with stained clothes, making all sorts of noise all day! Granted, they quieted down at night, but still.

I demand that you reimburse my entire stay and give me free lodgings for the rest of the year, or I will tell all of my friends how horrible you are!

Regards,
Ella Gant-Snob

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Gant-Snob,

Those people in filthy clothing are construction contractors. We had the unfortunate honor of letting the aptly named The Armageddon Nightmare Rock Band stay in our hotel 6 months ago. They did so much damage to our hotel, we are still renovating those destroyed rooms. However, we did have it inspected, so the hotel is safe except for those rooms that band stayed in.

However, you signed a contract that stated you were willing to stay in our hotel despite the construction. Please pardon our dust.

Sincerely,

Paris Diaz, Comeon Inn (formally Starlight Inn)

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Dear Redblack Power Tool Company,

I bought a new chainsaw from you. I was reading the instruction book and read something I just couldn't believe. You had a warning that read, "Do not stop chain with hand or genitals."

Is that really a problem? Did someone print those instructions on April Fools' Day? I would not dream of stopping that chain with my hand. I'm not even going to think about putting my penis on it.

You people should be ashamed of yourselves.

Sincerely,

Paul von Yon

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mr. von Yon:

You will not believe the incredible amount of stupidity our customers have had when they bought and used our chainsaws. Some have even dared each other to stop chainsaws with their hands, or run a chainsaw over their genitals to get an orgasm, but with bloody and disastrous results.

Just be lucky that you aren't one of them! I hope....

Sincerely

Red Black
President
Red Black Power Tools

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Dear Police Office:

Is it really MY fault for trying to break up those couples kissing in public? It is a DISGRACE and a SIN! No one should EVER kiss, especially in public!

My husband and I are good Christians! We NEVER smoke, we NEVER drink, we NEVER kiss and all of our children are adopted! Why can't others follow our lead?

I demand that you release me from prison so me and my husband can enjoy some good, QUALITY, family fun time with our children on the days leading up to that atrocious event, Valentine's Day!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Ihate Kissing-And-Sex

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Kissing-And-Sex,

I can't believe there are still Shakers around. I thought you died out a long time ago. Couples are allowed to kiss and display affection as long as they follow the law. However, what you did is considered assault. That is against the law.

Also, if everyone followed your example, people would have healthier lungs and livers. People would also be extinct. I would think people don't think extinction is a good idea.

Since your appealed has been denied, we will not grant your request.

Sincerely,

Saheria Riker, Warden, Peyton Correctional Facility

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Dear Stoner's Pot palace,

I'm telling you that your marijuana is too strong. I tried to write you a letter explaining how I had trouble finding your store. I must have been high when I sent that letter. Apparently, it went to the BigSleep Animal Clinic. I think I'll write an apology to them soon. I'm still laughing about that joke the woman with the dog told me. Pot smokers tend to leave things unfinished? I still find that funny.

Apparently, they didn't know the answer to my question. Do you know a place I can get a burger at 4 am?

Sincerely,

[Kristev]

Dear Kissing-And-Sex,

Breaking up that gay couple's kiss can be considered both harassment and assault, not to mention a hate crime.

With the beating you gave that poor drag queen, if you're a good Christian, I'd hate to see what a bad one looks like. Your own Bible says that, basically, though you speak with the tongue of angels, if you have not love, your words are as good as tinkling cymbals.

We refuse to release you from prison, but rest assured your adopted children are having their placement with you reconsidered.

As for your husband, he's not quite what you think he is. I shouldn't tell you this, but he's been having a love affair for over two years that includes both kissing and fornication with Miss N. O. Telllover.

Enjoy your stay in prison, where you will be completely protected from the wonders of human biology, at least until old Brutella Myway breaks another law - your cell is her personal reserved cell. We simply didn't have anywhere else to put you.

Signed,

Roman Tick-Freedom,

Chief of police in Venus Beach, New Paris.

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Dear Delicutessen,

We went into your shop the other day for lunch after a hard morning driving my truck on the highway. So charming, a deli that makes all their food into adorable shapes!

Well, I ordered the bunny-shaped ham and cheese, while my friend had the puppy-shaped bologna on rye, and a dozen cookies. The trouble is, after we were finished, I wanted cookies, but your employee told me that you don't serve cookies. I threw a fit and demanded that he make some, and he refused.

I went back behind the counter and searched for cookie dough, but couldn't find any. Your employee had the nerve to try and stop me, and he put his filthy hands on me! Luckily for me, my friend Wanda had her gun in her purse and pulled it on him to make him leave me alone.

The fool fell on his knees and begged us to leave, so we did. After I overturned all the tables, while she took all the money out of the cash register to compensate us for our trouble.

We demand that you start serving cookies, that you give us free meals forever, a million dollars, and that you tell the cops to stop chasing us. We've done nothing wrong. At least, I didn't.

Signed,

Miss Cookie Do-Do and Miss Wanda Ring-Menace.

[catcul]

Dear Miss Do-Do and Miss Ring-Menace,

We have never served cookies at our delicatessen. We find that the oven that we bake our bread is not equipped for making cookies. Also, you admitted that you went into the kitchen, which is an "Employees Only" area, so you are guilty of trespassing. Your friend pulled out a gun and emptied the cash register, so you are guilty of armed robbery.

As for your demands, we are not selling cookies. We will not serve you ever again. If you show up, we will call the police. We will give you a grand total of $0 since you already took $66.82 when you emptied our cash register. If you want the police to stop chasing you, give yourselves up. We'll see you in court.

Sincerely,

Red Submarine, Red Submarine Delicatessen

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Since nobody answered my ridiculous entry, I'll repost it here.

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Dear Stoner's Pot palace,

I'm telling you that your marijuana is too strong. I tried to write you a letter explaining how I had trouble finding your store. I must have been high when I sent that letter. Apparently, it went to the BigSleep Animal Clinic. I think I'll write an apology to them soon. I'm still laughing about that joke the woman with the dog told me. Pot smokers tend to leave things unfinished? I still find that funny.

Apparently, they didn't know the answer to my question. Do you know a place I can get a burger at 4 am?

Sincerely,

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mr. No-Name:

I must thank the BigSleep Animal Clinic and other hospitals/clinics/pharmacies for forwarding this and the other letter to us.

This township does not recognize marijuana as a legal drug, so what you did was illegal.

Therefore, the only place where you could get a burger at 4am is in the county jail. Though I hope that's ALL that you're getting there.

Sincerely,

Officer Crime Preventer
Maple City Police Department

-----------------------------

Dear St. Mary Hospital:

Why the (censored) would you deny me my (censored) abortion? And don't give me that (censored) about it being against your religion! When I say that I want that brat out of my belly, I WANT THAT BRAT OUT OF MY BELLY NOW!!!!

I demand that you fire those (censored) nuns and priests who told my doctor not to give me my abortion, or ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE!

Mrs. Ihate Children

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Children,

Since you seem to be aware of the reason we will deny your abortion, we won't need to repeat it. Just remember that this hospital is owned by the Catholic Church. Even if the Vatican let us, we couldn't do it because the law forbids abortions on 7-month fetuses. If you don't want to keep the baby, we'll give the baby to a couple that has a sterile woman. They indicated that they are looking to adopt.

Please don't yell in our hospital again.

Sincerely,

Father Luke Vitaliti, St. Mary Hospital

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Dear St. Mary Hospital,

Why do your nurses feel the need to interrupt my meals? For the past two weeks, I have been recovering in your hospital because my heart was giving me problems. Everyday, those rude nurses keep interrupting my meals. I'm eating breakfast; they interrupt me. I'm eating lunch; they interrupt me. I'm eating dinner; they interrupt me. I asked one of them, and they say that checking my vitals are more important than letting me eat uninterrupted.

Also, when I was first admitted, there was this harpy screeching something about wanting an abortion. I don't care about her problems. I just want to eat a meal without interruption and without hearing some screaming crazy woman.

I demand letting me eating a meal without interruption when you release me tomorrow. If I ever hear that woman in your hospital again, there will be an unfortunate incident involving her and my IV stand.

Sincerely,

Eatta Berger

[Kristev]

OOC: I'm sorry. I posted my reply to Kissing-And-Sex at the same time you did. I didn't even notice the stoner letter. Again, I'm sorry.

BIC: Dear Madame Berger,

We at St. Mary Hospital simply could not allow you to continue eating the greasy chicken from World Of Fat that your husband kept bringing in for you. Our head physician personally explained to him your new dietary needs, as well as what you can't eat, and ever since then, your husband has been bringing you in foods that the doctor said were on your new forbidden menu. Clearly you have a bigger problem than mere heart disease.

It's lucky for you that our charge nurse is an Irishwoman named Ea Gleeyes. She watches everything in our hospital like a hawk, including sneaky husbands, otherwise you may well have been in serious trouble. And the night shift charge nurse, a Brit named Owlivia Hawk, was just as vigilant. The undernurse was right to tell you that she had to keep track of your vitals.

We apologize for you having to hear that harpy. We were all rather mortified, and we fear she will attempt to do something self-injurious in her haste to get rid of her baby.

Once you're out of the hospital, we won't be able to prevent you from eating as you please, though we will keep your room ready since we expect to see you again soon. By the way, the nurses all pitched in to give you and your husband gift certificates to Garden Goddess, the new salad & low-fat place that opened up. We hope you go there, please, we're begging you.

Sincerely, Sister Mary Sacred.

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Dear Dancing On Air Nightclub,

My boyfriend and I went to a very exclusive party that was held on New Year's Eve by Miss Soci Alite, whom as you know, is one of the wealthiest and most important women in town. It was by invitation only, you know. How he got a pair of invitations, I'll never know. He's amazing.

I had to do my hair and buy a whole new wardrobe in order to be able to attend, and my boyfriend had to raid . . . I mean, borrow, from a friend's closet to find the right attire to make himself look truly charming and trustworthy. I was the most beautiful woman there!

Well, we went to the ball and I could have danced all night, until I began to feel ill as my boyfriend asked me to. Next thing I know, there's a rumor going around that I'm pregnant, and that I have a cancer that can only be cured by an incredibly expensive operation in Asia. The next thing I know, as I'm acting so sick that I actually start getting sick, my boyfriend tells me I look too pale and that I have to go home now.

Much to my surprise, Miss Alite sends us home in her personal limo. When I get home, my boyfriend reveals to me that we'll have to go to Asia for a week, which is where I asked him to take me for a vacation anyway. When I complain that we can't afford it, he reveals to me money. Lots and lots of money.

But when we get to Asia, it seems that one of the people there was suspicious and hired two people, a private detective and a medical doctor, to follow us everywhere we went until we returned to the States. We're guessing that it had to be them who blabbed, because when we returned to the States, we're slapped with lawsuits for fraud!

We demand that you force those people to drop their lawsuits. If you don't, my boyfriend will pour water on your floor then talk me into walking on it with butter on my shoes! Then we'll sue you for every penny these people are trying to sue us for, plus a million more for our troubles!

Bella D'Ball & Khan Arteest.

[catcul]

Dear Miss D'Ball,

We have no control over what legal actions our clientele engages in. However, we have a duty to our guest to inform them when we suspect someone engaging in illegal activity. One of our security staff spotted your boyfriend slip a substance from a bottle. He was able to zoom in and read that it was ipecac. That would explain how you got sick. Also, unfortunately, anyone benefiting from fraud will get sued along side the people actively engaging in it.

I would suggest that you dump your fraud of a boyfriend before he gets you thrown in prison. Did I mention that we have security cameras? If your boyfriend dumps water and makes you slip in it, we'll have irrefutable evidence that it was staged.

Sincerely,

Frank Dean, Lighter than Air Nightclub

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Dear Selene's Diner,

I came into your restaurant at about 4 am yesterday morning. I was about to order a bacon cheeseburger when I found a chicken pot pie on your menu. When I received it, I noticed it had chicken, peas, potatoes, and carrots. Imagine my disappointment when I realized it had no marijuana. I would be angry, but that thing tasted so good, I ordered 3 more. Your waitress told me that marijuana users tended to leave things unfinished except for their meals. That's funny. She must be related to the dog walking woman at the BigSleep Animal Clinic.

Please call those pies something else so my friends don't get confused.

Sincerely,

(Yes, I'm posting a third letter from our pot head friend. I'm shameless. )

[XCashier]

Dear Unnamed Person,

It's called a pot pie because it was cooked in a pot. The term "pot" referring to a specific cooking vessel predates using "pot" to refer to marijuana by centuries. So no, it's not a misleading term and no, we will not change the name.

Enclosed is a brochure for a good rehab clinic. May I suggest you give them a call? I hear they've got a nice cafeteria there.

Sincerely,
Selene Nocturne, owner,
Selene's Diner

* * * * *

Dear Selene's Diner,

I came by yesterday and ordered fisherman's stew and shepherd's pie. I was very disappointed. Isn't fisherman's stew supposed to be made from fishermen? There was nothing but carp in there! And there was no shepherd at all in the shepherd's pie, it was lamb, for crying out loud! I know the nuances of the flesh of different occupations, and there was nothing like that at all, the meat wasn't even human!

I demand compensation! I want my dinner refunded, and your liver served to me on a plate with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Sincerely,
Hannibal Lecter

[catcul]

Dear "Hannibal Lecter,"

Is this some sort of sick joke? How could you actually believe that we could legally sell human meat? The law against cannibalism in this country is much older than our country. It's one thing getting a letter from a marijuana user confused by chicken pot pie. Asking about human meat is just sick. Also, Hannibal Lecter is a fictional character.

We're sending a couple of friends in blue uniform to have a nice long conversation with you. Also, we don't serve liver.

Sincerely,

Selene Nocturne, Owner,
Selene's Diner

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Dear Bus Company,

My buddies and me saw this good-looking redhead girl get on the bus we was ridin. He decided we wanted to have fun with her so we decided to convince her to ditch her friends. Then this other girlie gets on and starts to sit next to red. Turns out, these bitches was girlfriends. We didn't know nothing about that. We was so mad about finding these two bitches was ds.

I demand that you make ds wear purple scarves so we don't waist our time.

Sincerely,

Don Kedik

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mr. Kedik:

No, I won't. That's discrimination on the grounds of sexual orientation.

And besides, I actually saw you and your "buddies" making out on my bus earlier. Pretending to be straight? I don't think so!

Sincerely,

Marron Stints
Bus Driver
TTC

------------------------------

Dear TTC:

I lost my $1000 iPhone 5S on one of your streetcars yesterday. When I went to the lost and found, it was not there, so I did what came naturally.

What was natural to me? Screaming and cussing, of course!

I admit that I keep losing those blasted things. I HATE fanny packs! They make me look like a tourist/target for scammers!

I demand that you replace my $1000 iPhone 5S and pay all of my bills, or I will call the police on you and have you charged for theft!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Always Loses Cellphones

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Cellphones,

Yesterday, our bus company had to call the police when three men surrounded this young woman. If you're wondering, they got off before the police met the bus. This young woman's partner found your phone and handed it over to the police man. That means your phone is with the police department. You might want to claim your phone before your phone legally becomes abandoned property.

If you sue us, you will not have a leg to stand on.

Sincerely,

Marron Stints
Bus Driver
TTC

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Dear Hotel,

The woman who answered your phone last night was incredibly rude. I was trying to call my friend, Mike. For some reason, his phone wasn't working, so I called the hotel. I said, "Can I speak to Michael Hunt." She said there was nobody there by that name. She also said that I wasn't there, either. Of course I wasn't there, I'm trying to call him. Then she rudely hung up on me. I tried again. The second time, she told me that if I called again, she was calling the police. I had to send him a email instead.

I demand that you fire that rude clerk and comp Mike's stay.

Sincerely,

Irving Patrick Freleigh

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Freleigh,

We won't be firing the clerk or comping your friends stay. However, enclosed is a phone number to the hotel we suggested he go to since we were full.

Sincerely,

Hotel Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

My 16 year old identical twin daughters were recently hired at your store. When they brought home their schedules, I was offended to see that their hours were different. I demand you fix their schedules so my daughters have the same hours and I also demand that you give them the same hours from now on. If you don't, I will sue you since it's illegal to have twins working different hours at the same job.

Sincerely,

M. O. Theroftwins