The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Gerky,

Parking in front of a fire hydrant is illegal and so is threatening to burn down a building. Therefore, all you'll get is a ride to the police station where you'll be staying in a cubed room.

Sincerely,

W. Ater
Fire Chief



Dear Bar Manager,

You had absolutely no right to fire me. All I did was pour twice the drinks the customers ordered and then I drank the extra one since I'm required to be drunk on the job. I demand you give me my job back and allow me to drink all I want on the job. If you don't, I will come into the bar, open a bottle of wine, and pour it on your head.

Sincerely,

Mrs. I. Needtodrink

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Needtodrink,

No, you're required to be sober on the job! Even in your own letter, you admit to stealing by drinking half of the product. But don't worry about pouring wine on my head. It is my custom to change the locks in the liquor cabinets when I change bartenders. I won't call the police, but I will strongly suggest that you enter a 12-step program.

Sincerely,

U. Hattie Nuff, owner of Jeers, where nobody wants to know your name or anything about you. That's why you come here.

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Dear Chief Forest Ranger,

After the terrible way my wife, Betty, was mistreated at a pool last year, I wanted to take my family to a wonderful place, where we wouldn't be bothered by common riffraff. I purchased a top of the line R. V. with all the comforts of home, and drove my family straight into the heart of your forest. They said it was closed and that people weren't to come in, but I've often found slipping a man a couple of hundred magically turns no into yes.

It was beautiful, at first, but that didn't last long! The road wasn't paved or suitable, so the R. V. got stuck in a pothole or something. I couldn't get it out. And our thousand-dollar cell phones didn't work so we couldn't call for help! Inexcusable!

Then, since we were stuck in the wilderness, we had to actually camp and rough it. My poor wife could barely stand going without electricity, and her hair. Her hair! Then it rained, turning the ground muddy and ruined our expensive clothes.

There were bugs, and worse yet, wild animals. They chased us all the way back to our R. V.

The only reason we got out of this nightmare at all is because an obviously poor single mother with three grubby children, who were clearly dirty and lower-class drove by, and, despite my wife's shock at having to, we accepted the woman's offer of a lift back to the nearest hotel at the entrance to the forest. She said something about the forest being "open again during the day and wanting to help her kids connect with nature or something," but she helped us out so I won't besmirch the woman.

I demand that you sell me your forest so that I can remove the rain and the wild animals, pave the roads, and put up grand hotels. If you refuse, I'll call my friend, Governor Entrenched, with whom I play golf every week and to whom I give generous campaign donations! He'll have that entire forest ripped up and torn down, and all of you useless rangers, none of whom bothered to check on my poor family, will be out of a job! How dare you not check up on us?

In fact, I don't want you to sell me that sickening forest after all. Give it to me, or I'm suing! I know all the judges in town, and happen to have a big stock of extra vintage cars to give away . . .

Angrily yours,

Richard Tan-You.

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Tan-You,

This is a National Forest, managed by the United States Forest Service, part of the United States Department of Agriculture, and it's federal land, which puts it beyond the reach of Governor Entrenched. We had roadblocks and rangers at every entrance, blocking the way as the roads were damaged by the winter storms and had not yet been repaired. If you had listened to Ranger Smith instead of cramming two hundred dollar bills in his mouth and nearly running him over in your haste to enter the forest, you would have known that.

The woman who helped you out, Ranger Burghart, a very experienced veteran ranger, who came upon you after she rescued three lost boy scouts, reported that your RV had torn up several acres of forest and you were hostile and threatening towards her and the boys. We had no choice but to involve the state police in this matter, and I will be forwarding your letter to them to help in their investigation. Needless to say, you will not own our forest any time soon.

Regards,
Forrest Knight,
Chief Ranger
Umpqua National Forest

* * * * *

Dear Store Owner,

I was buying my groceries and your idiot cashier double-scanned my chicken soup! Well, you know how these cashiers will rip you off any chance they get, so I told that thieving little bitch off. Then she had the nerve to cry! What a baby!

Well, that ruined my shopping experience! I'm not very impressed with your store. I demand $5000 compensation for my awful experience and you to fire that bitch or I will take my business elsewhere!

Sincerely,
Eve L. Harridan

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Harridan:

Our sincerest apologies for the double charge.

You actually were supposed to be octuple-charged for the chicken soup. Our accounting department has prepared your bill and you should receive it in a few days. We look forward to your prompt resolution of this matter.

Max. I. Million
President, Foodz R' Us Grocery Stores

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Dear Stephen Spielberg;

I just got back from the local movie theater, where I attended the matinee showing of your latest film, Ass.

That's all it was. For ninety minutes. How could you just mail it in like that?

Please refund my ticket and refreshment costs and send me an autographed 9 x 11 glossy for my collection, or else I will tell everybody that all your films suck. And that goes double for Duel.

Tooth Umbs Down

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Down,

Enclosed is a 9 x 11 glossy frame for you to put whatever picture you want in there. As for the refund, you should contact the theater about that.

Sincerely,

Stephen Spielberg



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I was recently in your store buying some groceries. However, when I got to the self-checkout, your rude employee refused to ring up my groceries. She told me that I was supposed to do that myself. I was steamed so I threw my groceries on the floor and stomped all over them. Then I stamped my feet while screaming as loud as I could and then stormed out. I want that rude employee fired and free groceries on my next visit or I will come to your store wearing nothing and walk back and forth in front of the registers.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Tantrum

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Tantrum,

One is supposed to handle the checking out procedure themselves at a self-checkout, but we think you checked out a long time ago.

We understand that you threw your groceries on the floor and walked over them, which was a really stupid thing to do because you had a lot of glass jars. Why should you be surprised that your weak little sandals couldn't shield your feet from the glass? It was a horrifying scene, and we still have one man and two little children who've been dreadfully traumatized, since you left the store making it look like a murder took place.

We do hope the paramedics we called got to you in time. Not only will we not give you free groceries, but we have now taken a policy of putting rubber mats at the checkout lines, so that anything that falls will be unharmed.

Oh, and by the way, if you do show up skyclad, I'll counter by recording you and putting you up for nomination at "America's worst customers," who are having a home-video contest. You may well give us first prize! You see, I'm in college to get a degree in cinematography. I want to direct horror films, and your little stunt seems like perfect practice.

Signed,

Cammie Rah, manager and aspiring filmmaker.

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Dear Bird's Eye Garden shop,

I was weeding my garden yesterday and noticed that all of my award-winning roses, for which I am famous, were all dead. Every plant in my flowerbed was dead, much to my surprise. Well, I knew the only possible reason is because I tried a new weed killer from your store, "Start Again," which promised to get rid of every weed and make your soil like new.

Well, naturally I take the empty bag back to the store, since I used the entire bag on my garden. I did not have my receipt, but you're the only store in town that sells this terrible junk! It killed my whole garden! All my roses. Even the neighbor's vegetable garden was ruined and now she's mad at me, as if a little wind kicking up is my fault, of all the nerve!

But I want to complain about your customer service man, Basil. He refused to refund my money, and he insulted me, so of course I shouted at him and stuck the bag on his head. Then I tried to go the till and get the money myself, only to have him call your rude manager, Violet. She came over, pulled me away from the till, and called up some burly, big jerk in a uniform whom she referred to as Sage. He led me to the door and kicked me out! He doesn't even let me get my purse, which I dropped on the way out after his rude mishandling!

But the joke's on you people. When your last employee, some girl named Heather, was locking up, I ran up to her and begged her to let me in right quick because I'd forgotten my purse. Naturally this sweet girl let me in. Of course, after I get my purse, I go to your flower section and take your most beautiful roses, putting them in my purse and taking out my dead, wilted roses. Don't my ruined roses look so nice in your pots? That's what you get for your poor customer service.

But this morning, when I was up, the police are pounding on my door! They want to arrest me, but I've done nothing wrong! You owe me, big time! Now I demand that you drop all charges, pay me a thousand dollars, and send your entire staff to work the weekend for free restoring my once beautiful garden to its former glory. If you refuse, I'll dump every single of "Start Again" all over your flower section, then I'll wait until you're all at work and use every can of bug spray right there in front of you all!

Signed,

Madame Swit Sharroo Redthumb.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Redthumb,

The weed killer is to be used a little at a time and all refunds require a receipt. Also, your request is denied and you are banned from our store.

Sincerely,

Lily Plant
Manager



Dear Theater Manager,

Where do you get off having the movie play at full volume? It was so loud that I couldn't talk with my friend on the phone and we had to text each other instead. I demand you lower the volume to a reasonable level. If you don't, I will come back to your theater and cut the screen with a pair of scissors.

Sincerely,

Miss Tooloud

[Kristev]

Dear Miss Tool-Loud,

We banned cell phones from the theater for the same reasons we banned most other gadgets: Firstly, someone could easily make a recording of the movie, albeit at poor quality, and sell it on the black market or give it away. Secondly, people came to see and hear the movie, not your conversation.

We apologize that you did not enjoy your viewing of Jaws 6, the land shark mutation, but that does not give you the right to take scissors to our screen. Please don't come back. If you do come back, we'll take a pair of really big scissors to your cell phone.


Sincerely,

Etta Tainment, owner of Realized Dreams cinema.

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Dear Quicksand Boutique,

I went to your jewelery boutique with my wife, Encubridora, a couple of days ago, and she just fell in love with the most wonderful things there. Unfortunately, the prices are far from wonderful. I can see why you call your shop Quicksand, because the prices even for your cheapest items are so exorbitant, you'd need to take out a mortgage to buy anything there!

The prices on everything she wanted sent my wife into a full on asthma attack, but at least your clerk was good enough to rush to her side and try to tend to her, while your manager called the ambulance.

But now I'm getting sued for grand larceny? How dare you even suggest that? So I took my wife's purse to go find her medication, which I did find. By what right . . . I mean, I'm so offended at the suggestion that I would stoop to putting everything my wife wanted in her purse while your two workers were busy tending to her asthma attack! It's not my fault your stock went missing. I had nothing to do with it at all!

I demand that you drop the lawsuit, and give my wife free jewelery to satisfy her and repair this insult to our good family name. If you don't, I will put itching powder on every piece of merchandise you sell, as well as your door handles, floors, register, and toilet seat. That'll show you!

Signed,

Mr. Percy Quickfingers.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Quickfingers,

Since you stole jewelry for your wife, we are pressing charges so you won't be able to use the itching powder. Therefore, the lawsuit won't be dropped but we are giving your wife a membership for jewelry discounts but you are banned.

Sincerely,

D. I. Amond

Boutique Manager



Dear Greenhouse Manager,

You had no right to have me arrested. All I did was pull some of the flowers and put them in a plastic bag so I could make my mother a potpourri bag for Mother's Day. I demand you drop the charges and allow me to make all the potpourri I want. If you don't, I will turn on the sprinklers and then break the handle.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Potpourri

[XCashier]

Dear Mrs. Potpourri,

You may make all the potpourri you want, after you pay for the flowers. Those flowers belong to us until you pay for them, after you pay for them, you may do whatever you want, eat them for all I care.

The problem is, you stole our flowers. You did not pay at all. Stealing is stealing, and it is a crime. And good luck getting to our sprinkler system, as you will most likely be spending the next several years in jail. We've posted your picture on the breakroom wall, so we know who to look for, as well as faxed the information to every nursery within 50 miles of here. May I suggest next time, you try growing your own flowers? Or pick wildflowers along the highway? Or, let's see, maybe pay for flowers before you take them?!

Sincerely,
Chris Anthemum, owner,
Garden of Delights Greenhouse and Plant Nursery

* * *

Dear Virtual Realty,

I am appalled at your ineptitude! My former next-door neighbor sold his house through you, and you allowed some lowlifes to buy it! How can you be so stupid as to not see that they don't fit in our neighborhood, that they're not our kind? Why, I saw the man mowing the lawn, and he was wearing a T-shirt with a hole in it! And the woman wears clothing that I've seen advertised in VoldeMart circulars! She has the utter gall to wear white after Labor Day!!! Don't even mention the kids; they were on their scruffy hands and knees, drawing all over their driveway with dollar store sidewalk chalk! And they had the nerve to ask my darling precious little princess to come over and play! I didn't allow it, of course; I don't want my perfect darling to ruin her top-name designer clothing by playing with riff-raff ragamuffins!

You should be ashamed of yourself. I demand that you rescind the sale and throw these lower class trash out on the streets where they belong. And don't sell any house in this neighborhood to anyone who makes less than $500,000 a year!

Sincerely,
Condi Scending-Snob

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Scending-Snob,

I am appalled at your shortsightedness. The neighbors were both able to prove that they were able to afford the house. I'm sure the reason that they were in cheap clothing was because they were working and playing outside and didn't want to ruin their good clothes. I know I wouldn't want to mow the lawn in a suit and tie. Also, about the chalk, that is temporary and will be gone by the next rain.

If you don't like it, you can move. We will be more than happy to sell your house.

Sincerely,

Raymond Maxwell, Virtual Realty

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Dear TV Station,

How dare you interrupt my program? I was watching my favorite program when this irritating man comes on the air muttering something about thunderstorms and tornadoes. He kept doing it over and over again. Naturally, I complained to the station about it. The next day, this awful woman comes on the air telling me that I needed to get my priorities straight; that warning the public about the weather was more important than my show.

I want you to remove that man that kept interrupting my show. I also want you to fire that self-righteous while you're at it.

Sincerely,

Ree Lee Thicke

[wolfie]

Dear Mr. Thicke,

Please accept our apologies for interrupting your program. As compensation, we are providing you with tickets to, and accommodation in, New Orleans, arranged through our partner company Thomas Baker Travel Incorporated. Your one-week stay in this lovely city will begin August 29, 2005.

Sincerely,

Kate Storme

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Dear NFL Board of Directors,

My brother-in-law and I arrived at the stadium in plenty of time (an hour before kickoff) to purchase tickets to the Super Bowl. I was shocked that you had already sold all the tickets for this game. This is a clear case of negligence on your part - you should have known I was going to be attending, and held back 2 tickets. As compensation, I expect a free pair of tickets to each of the next 10 Super Bowls.

Sincerely,

N. Titled/S. Hole

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Titled and Mr. Hole,

The super bowl tickets sell out quickly since the game is very popular so next time you should purchase your tickets ahead of time; preferably as soon as the tickets start selling. Your request is denied.

Sincerely,

F. O. Otball
NFL Director



Dear Prison Warden,

You had no right to put me in the hole. All I did was smoke a cigarette in my cell. I demand you take me out of here at once. If you don't, I will rip the mattress to shreds.

Sincerely,

Mrs. I Needtosmoke

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Needtosmoke,

You do realize that smoking is banned here. As long as you stay at our mental health clinic, you are not allowed to have any tobacco products. It seems that you have not been taking your medicine. You are having delusions that you are in prison. Please continue to take your medicine and do not smoke here again. Please do not rip the mattress, either.

Thank you,

Dr. Lyle Bolton, Cape Fear Mental Health Clinic

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Dear Happy Island Travels,

I had booked a trip to Forbidden Island. When I arrived for the helicopter tour, the pilot informed us that the island sank into the ocean. After the pilot handed me my refund, I demanded to know what happened. He said that he didn't know, but it's a good thing that the island was uninhabited. I demand that you raise that island back up so I can visit, or I will sue you into oblivion.

Sincerely,

Phil Neptune

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Neptune,

Unfortunately, we can't bring the island back. However, we have enclosed brochures of places for you to visit.

Sincerely,

V. A. Cation
Travel Agent Manager



Dear Chief of Police,

Your rude officer had no right to arrest me. All I did was call 911 because I ordered pizza and the pizza employees didn't make it right. They should've been arrested because they broke the law by not making the pizza the way I wanted it. I demand you drop the charges against me and press charges against the employees who made my pizza or I will burn down the place that didn't make my pizza correctly.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Pizza