The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Andrew B.]

Dear Mrs. Pizza,

There is no law that states a pizza shop must make a pizza exactly the way you wanted it. There IS a law against misuse of 911 and terroristic threats.

Enjoy the striped sunlight.

J. Ustice
Chief of Police.

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Dear Ms. T. Eacher

Why is my daughter in summer school? She should be having fun outside. Just because she missed most of the year because she assaulted some students, and teachers, and the security guards, then had be lead out in handcuffs. That's no reason to hold her back a grade.

Mrs. En Abler.

[Kristev]

Dear Ms. Abler.

You do have so difficulties with spelling, don't you? We offer remedial classes at night, which I teach personally on Wednesdays if you would like to participate.

Your daughter missed out on school because she was in Juvenile Hall for so long. Her attacks on other students, staff, and security were far too serious. I am sorry that she had to miss her prom, but just because someone wore the same dress as you one day is no reason to freak out and try to figuratively bring the whole school down.

I do not know what kind of education she got in Juvenile Hall, but it clearly was only good for teaching her how to be a better criminal.

Let us just say that it was lucky for everyone else here that I am a black belt in my martial arts discipline and that I could prevent her from doing any further harm.

I am sorry, and our school would do everything it could, such as offering her counseling. But it does her no good to offer blind support with no discipline or structure, Mrs. Abler. You should be less worried about your daughter being in summer school and more concerned about her emotional and psychiatric needs.

Dr. U. Stopthat, head eighth grade teacher.

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Dear Riveting Rosie's magazine, (and what magazine goes around calling itself the magazine for women who take matters into their own hands?)

I am furious because my wife is a subscriber to your magazine. Normally I don't really care because I always thought it was just another pretty deco & dinner magazine. But instead, the one I picked up and read were articles like "How to repair your oven," and "Rosie's tips on being sure your mechanic isn't ripping you off." What kind of women's magazine is that?

But what really irked me is when I read the advice column, "Letters to Lyza," written by Ms. Lyza Stratta. The things she said in her column . . . I couldn't believe it!

The one that really angered me was when I read what she wrote to my wife. She told my wife that she should go to her sister's house and not come out until I threw away all my liquor and gave up all my friends! Why should I do that? Just because I threw a bash with the boys from work and we all got drunk and tore the house to pieces with our tools? Or, as Lyza wrote, "If he spends all his time drinking with his friends, your walls and ceilings aren't the only ones suffering from it. If all his time is spent with them, does he spend any time with you or are you ignored until he breaks something and needs you to clean up after him? I wouldn't put up with a marriage like that! If he wants to ignore the good wife he has, then he doesn't deserve you. Go to your sister's house, lock the doors, and don't let him in. Let him go ignore you forever and clean up his own mess for a change! Write me back and tell me how it's going. I care, Lyza."


I am so mad, I demand that you fire Lyza Stratta and make her write a letter demanding my wife apologize to me and return home! If you don't, I'll go to your magazine with an army of men and take it over! We'll show you women who is really in charge!

And you can give me a billion dollars for the inconvenience of having to clean up my house since no housekeeper will take the job and no woman will date me after Lyza's column!

Signed,

Mr. Iggy Norant-Clod.

(Thanks to Naillon for her wonderful advice.)

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Norant-Clod,

Uh huh. You really don't get it, do you? The problem is with you, not your wife.

Women are not service robots, existing only to clean up after you and do as you say. Women are fellow human beings, and deserve to be treated as such.

Put yourself in your wife's place. How would you like it if a bunch of drunkards tore up your house, then demanded you clean it up? How would you feel to be treated as nothing but a slave to cater to their demands? How would you feel if you were ignored and belittled until it was time to break out the shovels and brooms?

I repeat, the problem is with you. You were very demeaning and harsh towards the woman you claim you love. You need to change your attitude if you want to save your marriage. Marriage is a two-way street, both parties have to give as well as receive.

Enclosed is a business card for a very good psychiatrist in your area. Dr. Reality-Check can help you come to grips and become a better human being. And don't even consider bringing your drunkard friends over to trash our offices or demanding money from us; if our top-notch security guards don't stop you, our lawyers will.

Sincerely,
Rosie Strong, founder,
Riveting Rosie's, the Magazine for Women Who Take Matters Into Their Own Hands

* * *

Deer Eleven-Seven,

I needed to use yore bafroom, but the stooped clerk tol me it wuz broken. Why didn't that dumb ass fix it so we cuztomurs can use it? When you gotta go, you gotta go, so I whipped out Old One-Eye and did it in the parking lot.

Nex thing I know, som cops are bustin me! Som crap about indeesent xposure, I don't unnerstan it.

Yoo guys suk! Gimme a millin dollars for the bail and the incon innconv cuz yoo made me look like a dumb ass!

Sincerely,
Hick Noclass

[wolfie]

Dear Mr. Noclass,

We regret that the washroom was unusable, but a previous customer (from the video of the hall leading to the bathroom, I have reason to believe that this customer is related to you) stuffed an entire industrial-size roll of toilet paper into the commode and flushed it. Regrettably, our jurisdiction does not permit anyone other than a licensed plumber (a certification our clerk does not hold) to perform repairs on toilets in commercial premises.

As for your legal issues, I would recommend that your attorney attempt to use "De minima non curat lex" in your defense (again, I saw the surveilance video - I congratulate you on being to find Old One-Eye without a magnifying glass and tweezers.

Finally, I assure you that we made no attempt to make you look like a dumb ass - you clearly need no assistance in that area.

Sincerely, Mr. Dice-Win

***

(OOC - when reading, imagine it being spoken in a Cockney accent)
Dear Bendix corporation,

I was told that your AD-9 was the best 'air dryer on the market. Since I wear my 'air very long, it is difficult to dry, so I went to the "We 'ave absolutely everything" mega-mart to buy one.

On getting it out of the box, I couldn't see 'ow it was supposed to dry 'air at all. It's bloomin' 'eavy, doesn't 'ave a 'andle to 'old it by, doesn't 'ave a mains flex to plug in, and I couldn't see where the 'ot 'air is supposed to come out of.

Please send me an 'air dryer that works.

Lori

[purplecat41877]

Dear Lori,

Enclosed is a gift certificate to a salon. Hopefully they can help with drying your hair and show you what you will need to use.

Sincerely,

T. R. Uckairdriver
Manager



Dear Hospital Manager,

Where does your rude doctor get off telling my husband and I that we can't have children of our own? My husband and I want to start a family and your rude doctor had the nerve to try to ruin that for us. I demand you fire the rude doctor and hire a doctor that will tell my husband and I that we can have children since it's the law to tell couples that want children that they can have them. If you don't, I will take one of the babies from the nursery and take it home where my husband and I will raise it.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sterile

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Sterile,

We apologize for your unfortunate situation, but the fact is that you are both sterile and a diabetic in a dangerously unstable condition. We absolutely will not fire Dr. Miracle, but we will hire extra security guards to protect the children, especially the babies. The police have been notified of your threat.

Sincerely,

Prof. Essional, teaching hospital administrator.

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Dear Magic Moonlight Motel,

I went to your establishment with my newest girlfriend, Suzy, who I'd met that night at the bar in your hotel. After a few drinks and some dances, we went up to her room (for she was here in town on business and lives in Chicago). We were having a wonderful until the stroke of midnight. At that moment, the door bursts open to reveal my wife and Suzy's boyfriend. They drag me out of bed, thrash me and berate me, and then she throws the wedding ring at me and tells Suzy she can have me.

Except that she can't, because her boyfriend then throws me out of the room, literally! I hear Suzy telling him how big and strong he is and that every time she sees him use his muscles, she just falls in love with him all over again.

I, however, can't go home because my wife tells me I don't live there any longer. She won't even drive me home! I have to rent a hotel room so I can stay in a bed, only to find that all my money is gone from my wallet! Yes, I did have quite a few drinks at the bar, but your drinks are overpriced anyway!

I demand that you give me a million dollars and a free room to live in for the rest of my life! I also want to know which one of your gossipy employees told my now ex-wife, or Suzy's boyfriend, what we were up to! If you don't, I'll burn your hotel to the ground, after I drink up all your liquor!

Signed,

Mr. Lollyff Cheetur-Dawg.

[darkroxas45]

Dear Mr. Cheetur-Dawg,
Your now ex-wife and Suzy's boyfriend found out that you were cheating when you hopped up on the bar and belted out a horrible rendition of "Sunshine of your Love" by Cream and I'll add you did the wrong lyrics because I am sure "I'll pee in your lager honey" is NOT one of the lyrics. After that you yelled out that you were gonna "ride this princess until she is an ugly step sister" right to the faces of your Ex-wife and Suzy's boyfriend. As for your requests and threats know that every police officer, sheriff's deputy and State Marshal within the quad state area has your picture and is on the lookout for you as you also tried to grope an undercover officer.
Signed,
Mr. E. Vil


Dear Rude owners,
I was in your establishment the other day with my 12 kids, 15 cousins, 11 uncles, 42 neices, 8 nephews, and grandmother, for my grandmother's 100th birthday. I was angry when you rudely told me to leave and never return. I am a valued customer and have spent $400,000 a year there for the past 20 years. I demand a $40,000 gift certificate, free food for the life of my family, the keys to the restaurant, and your life savings for the horrible service you put us through including, but not limited to, yelling at my children who all ran up to your mascot to hug him all at once, yelling at my uncle Fargus who spilled beer on the evil waitress who wasn't at our table on her hands and knees every second of our visit, and not cleaning the floor around our table on a regular basis. Should my demands go unmet, I will file a lawsuit against you.
Signed,
Mr. E. W. Lawdmauth

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Lawdmauth,

We had to ban you since other customers complained about the noise that you and your family made and the mascot has an anxiety condition. Therefore, you and your family will be getting nothing except a permanent ban.

Sincerely,

S. E. Rious
Family Fun Center



Dear Party Store Manager,

You had no right to have me arrested and my husband called to pick up our 2 year old daughter! All I did was snatch a balloon out of another little girl's hand since my 2 year old really wanted that balloon and when the other girl's mother tried to confront me, I shoved her into a nearby display. I demand you drop the charges against me and allow my children to have all the balloons they want. If you don't, I will open all of the streamers and dump them on the floor.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Spoiled

[Seanette]

Dear Mrs. Spoiled:

Not only is your demand denied, but the police have been advised of your address (they were quite grateful that you supplied it in your letter). Do enjoy the lovely joined silver bracelets they are so eager to give you. I did give them a sheet of balloon stickers to apply to the bracelets for that extra-special personal touch. I've been informed by the woman you pushed that you should also expect to be hearing from her family's attorneys.

You are banned from our store and CPS has been contacted on behalf of your daughter, since I was quite concerned as to how you might treat your own child, given your behavior toward strangers.

Ava Hadd-Enough, Party Store Manager

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"Dear" cable company:
Do you have NO self-respect at all??? Have you ever even WATCHED the garbage you wring my wallet dry to pipe into my home??? I INSIST that you immediately remove from the air all shows that I don't like and run non-stop, COMMERCIAL-FREE, marathons of my favorites.

Diss Gusted

[darkroxas45]

Dear Valued Customer Gusted,
We at ClockPolice cable do not control what is put on the television. The networks like BCD, DCT, CDA, FBI, and DEA decide. We will not ask them to put on reruns of "Billy Bob Dances with a Beaver" since that show was not popular and Billy Bob ran into the woods cheering and disrobing after the show was canceled. We will cancel your package, all 5 channels of it, at your request.
Signed,
Dr Hu
President of ClockPolice cable

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Dear Galaxy News Radio,
Why did you hire that Tres Perro guy as a dj instead of my brother Stinky Weasleteats? I demand you fire Tres Perro and hire my brother. I also demand a spot as head of music selection so that I may play all my favorite songs and ONLY MY FAVORITE SONGS 24/7. If my demands are not met then I will have the Army come down there and make you meet my demands.
Signed
V. Hunter

[Kristev]

Dear V. Hunter,

Tres Perro was strictly better than your brother. We shall not be hiring you for anything, and we ask you, quite literally, you and what army?

Signed,

M. U. Sik.

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Dear Best 2 International Bank,

I want to know where all my money has gone and why I'm negative 10,000 dollars! I only just got paid yesterday. There's no reason for this! I'm out there trying to make money, not lose it!
I've got lots of ventures going on.

Firstly, I invested a lot of my money with a stockbroker who had a fancy office and pictures of past presidents, who promised returns of 90 % every year!

Then I bought a car from a private seller, using a loan from your own bank! It was a classic, grand, 1980's Rolls Royce! I'm so glad I bought it from Mrs. Neighbors rather than Jim's Used Car Dealers. It's so much easier than having to wade through Carfax documentation.

And I bought a house, also getting a loan from your bank, from a former movie star turned realtor. I was so taken by his manner and his style that je just charmed me into buying it on the spot without having to bother with any of the papers.

And, of course, I hired the contractor who helpfully drove up to my door without my even bothering to call him to do all kinds of little fixes I didn't notice that the house needed. How helpful of him. He took my money and he'll be back next month.

And MasterVisa Express' credit card helped me to pay for all of this. But now they claim I'm long over past due even the minimum balance, so they told me that they helped themselves to my bank account! By what authority can they do this? I didn't read what they sent me so my signature doesn't count!

Now my bank account is negative by ten thousand dollars, and I am sure I'm not responsible for any of it! If they took my money, you should've protected me! I demand that you pay off all my debts and give me ten trillion dollars for my inconvenience.

If you don't, I'll have to file for bankruptcy! That's not fair. That's not right. What about my kids? How will they eat? I demand that you help me, for my children.

Signed,

Annie Glected Mydoo-Dillygance.

[Kit-Ginevra]

Dear Miss Mydoo-dingledangles

Your money is quite safe-we have transferred it to our African division for safe keeping,where you will have ready access to it for a small maintenance fee,to be paid via Western Union to our branch maintenance department.
Since the total Treasury funds of the nation equate to less than a trillion dollars,if we were to issue compensation,we would cause the country to go broke.And this isn't some piffling little country like Canadia,this is the greatest nation in the world-at all times a suitably large sum of money should be kept by in case of a sudden need to liberate another country who happen to have voted in the wrong government.

Yours sincerely,
Billy Bob Banker.


The Manager
The Great Great Vacuum Store


Dear SIR
As a result of your FALSE Advertising my daughter is now facing JAIL!!!!Your shop says
If anything blows better than our new MegaVacuum,we will give you a full refund. My daughter did everything you said she had to and not only did NOT got a refund like you said she would
-so you LIED in your advert!!!-the police have been called.You'd better get her her money back AND her bail money AND come down the court to get her off the charges that were YOUR fault or we'll have YOUR staff arrested too and see how YOU LIKE IT!

Mrs S. Lutski

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Mr Hunter,

Your brother is currently in prison for serial murder, so I really don't think I can possibly hire him for the radio station. And I won't hire you either, cuz a brother of a serial killer is not the sort of person I want working for me.

Yours, Magenta Galaxy, owner of Galaxy News Radio.

~~~

Dear manager of Petrol Station,

I recently came to your petrol station and filled my Giantpointless SUV to the brim, then found I'd forgotten my purse. I naturally, since I am a valued customer of yours and spend several hundred pounds a week at your store, expected your employees to let me off payment. To my horror and disgust, they refused. How dare they! Not content with embarrassing me in front of all the other customers, those stupid girls then dared to call the police after I drove off. I demand that you fire those bitches, drop the charges and give me £10,000 compensation.

Yours,

Mrs I Amapheef.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Lutski,

Your daughter was caught giving a blow job to my son. Therefore, we won't pay her bail or anything else and both of you are banned.

Sincerely,

C. L. Eaner
Manager



Dear Amapheef,

Driving off without paying is considered shoplifting. Therefore, your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

G. A. Stank
Manager



Dear Sports Stadium Manager,

Where do you get off allowing some stranger to post a video of me sleeping during the game? I ended up getting fired from my job and can never get another one because of that video. I demand you post an apology video, give me 10 million dollars, free games and refreshments for life, and find another job for me since it's your fault that I got fired. If you don't do what I want, I will burn down your stadium.

Sincerely,

Mr. Snoozer

[darkroxas45]

Dear Mr. Snoozer,
We don't control what gets posted to the internet. You were fired from your job because that day you claimed you were sick with the flu to your boss and when you were seen at the game, they knew you had lied and it was your final strike [no pun intended]. As such you will not be receiving one cent, we will NOT be issuing an apology, you will pay full price for all refreshments should we decide to allow you back into the stadium, we will NOT be finding you another job, and as for your arson threat, you sir are an idiot as we have your face on camera from the game and cameras posted around the stadium should you even get past the barbwire fence and guards.
Signed,
G. Steinbrenner



Dear Duracell Batteries,
I am appalled at your product quality. I put my self stirring mug in the microwave and started the microwave to heat my hot chocolate and no sooner had I left the kitchen I heard an awful explosion. Turns out your batteries exploded and destroyed my microwave, floor, wall, stove, and fridge. For this I demand a brand new fully furnished mansion as an upgrade from my 1 bedroom apartment, 4 lamborghinis, a million dollars, a new mug, a lifetime supply of batteries, the CEO's first born, their house, their cars, and all their money. I see no problems as to why these shouldn't be met. If you do not meet my demands I will file a lawsuit because I have more money than sense.
Signed,
I. diot