The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Kristev]

Dear Miss Snowflake

We will not be terminating our driver and your damaged property is your own problem.

Firstly, you hid a drink in your purse, secondly, you stood up and started walking before your stop. You're lucky you didn't fall down, which still would've been entirely on you because you stood up and walked before the bus had even stopped!

You get nothing from us.

Sincerely,

Miss Rula Plys-Eeekwelly.
Assistant director of Brunette Bus Company.

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Dear Memories To Treasure Toy Store,

I went into your shop with my children on Thanksgiving Day. Your store hours said that you were open on that day from 8 a. m. to 5 p. m. but that after that you were closing so your employees could have their dinner together. Something about a store run entirely by a family or something. And yes, there was a sign that you were going to open at 6 a. m. on Black Friday, but still . . .

Well, my family was only there until 7. Yes, your staff did keep bothering me about being closed and wanting to eat dinner, but I didn't care. I let my children touch everything. So what if my son wrecked everything? And at seven sharp, what do you people do? Use a can of Shopper-B-Gone on me! How dare you? How dare you close at 5? Or at 7? You ruined our Thanksgiving! Why can't your still peons just order pizza and stay open 24/7 like The Little Shop of Horrors does?

For the inconvenience, I demand that you allow me and children come into your store first on Christmas Eve, and that you give us 1,000 dollars in store credit and free toys, or else I'm calling my brother, a big cop who likes to thrash people!

Signed,

Maya Willtrumps Allothers.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Allothers,

You were warned several times about the closing time which you ignored and you children damaged a lot of items. Therefore, all you'll get is a bill and a ban until the bill is fully paid.

Sincerely,

T. R. Easure
Manager



Dear Bowling Alley Manager,

You had no right to make me leave in the middle of my game. All I did was walk down the lane with the ball, put the ball down in front of the pins, and then used the ball and my hands to knock down all the pins. I demand free games for 2 years to make up for this humiliation. If you don't do this, I will replace the bowling balls with robotic bowling balls which will be programmed to bowl strikes every time.

Sincerely,

C. H. Eater

[Sarlon]

Dear Mr Eater,

Not only did you disrupt a championship game with your antics, you were so blind drunk you sat and argued with the machine we use to reset the pins.

Your request is denined, and legal action will be handled accordingly.

Ally Lane

Owner of Cosmic Bowling.

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(this story is true, the names have been changed to protect my sanity, this is an actual complaint i had from my business website...which btw is a TINY operation, no corporate offices).

Dear Website,

I placed an order on your lovely site, as a graduation present for my perfect daughter. I KNOW I put her address in the shipping address, because I am perfect and never do anything wrong, and my credit card shows that the payment went through.

The very next morning I received an email from you stating that the order had been processed, and was provided a tracking number (very courteous, thank you for that.)

A few days pass and my niece hadn't received her package from you, and when i went to check on the tracking number it shows that it had been delivered today. Imagine my SHOCK!!! when i see the package sitting on my door step because it was delivered to me!!!!

I immediately call your customer service line and had to wait on hold OVER 20 MINUTES!!!!!!!! When that rude customer service person FINALLY answered, she gave me some lame excuse about how all your records were for MY address!!!

I'm a VERY rich and important woman in my town!!! I don't have time for trivial things like checking addresses *I* know I entered my daughter's mailing address, if your customer service people weren't so lazy and rude, you'd NOW it was to be sent to my niece's house not my house!!!

I DEMAND a new item sent to the PROPER address (see attached), a FULL refund for the item which I will of course be keeping, free shipping for life!!! and a $5000 gift card for myself, and my daughter!!! My niece and all her little perfect friends spend loads of money on your site EVERY MONTH, so if you don't follow through with my demands, I will report you to your corporate office, and the BBB.

Mrs. Richy Demands,

Address: (NOT real obviously)

126 N south St

Town on other side of freaking STATE, State

Completely wrong zip code for the area.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. Demands,

For future reference, I would recommend double checking the information before confirming the order. Since you didn't do that, your requests are denied.

Sincerely,

W. Ebsite
Owner



Dear Funeral Home Manager,

I recently went to a funeral for a relative and was very offended to see lots of people bawling their eyes out. There was no reason for that since the person is dead and can never come back to life again. I demand you tell everyone to control their emotions when they come to your funeral home. If you don't, I will go into the graveyard, dig up the bodies, and leave them in view of everyone.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Insensitive

[Tama]

Dear Mrs. Insensitive,

That person was the matriarch of an Italian family, and was a very integral part of the lives of those crying. Just because you do not mourn does not mean others don't. If you dig up any bodies we will fine you heavily and call the police. We will also be held innocent if any of the dead haunt you.

~Frank N. Stine


Dear Comic Store manager,

I went to your store to get the latest Batman comic and there was a GIRL at the counter! I demanded that she be fired but her supervisor refused which is absurd, girls have no business working there!

Imagine my surprise when they accused me of damaging a copy of The Dark Knight Returns that was signed by Frank Miller! All I was trying to do was steal it to show you idiots that the GIRL was incapable of catching a shoplifter, and the whole front cover got ripped off.

I demand to have the charges against me dropped and that you fire the girl, or I will destroy your encased in glass comics that top $2,500 each in value. Also I will set your building on fire.

~Wurst Kin. Donerd

[wolfie]

Dear Mr. Donerd,

Due to the threats contained therin, your letter has been forwarded to the police. They have informed me that the county prosecutor is glad you wrote it, since your admission of shoplifting will make his job at your trial MUCH easier.

Sincerely,
Comic Book Gal


Dear Pyrene corporation,

Your "kitchen fire extinguisher" is clearly mislabeled, since it is inadequate for the task. I was cooking fried chicken when I was distracted by a phone call, and the stock pot in which I was heating the oil caught fire. By the time I saw it, the wall behind, and the cabinets above the stove were starting to burn. I grabbed the extinguisher and tried to put out the fire, but in a matter of seconds it was empty. A kitchen fire extinguisher is supposed to be able to extinguish a kitchen fire. Due to your product being clearly inadequate for the task, my entire house was on fire due by the time the fire department arrived.

As compensation for the damages I incurred due to your product not meeting the claims stated on the label, I expect you to pay for the rebuilding of my house and the replacement of its contents.

Sincerely,
A. Moron

[Tyg3rW01f]

Dear A. Mo Ron,

signed,
C. Jean-Luc Picard
CEO, Pyrene Extinguishers Co. LIMITED Liability Corp.


=======
Poker Card Pizza,
I called your store here in Idiotsville and not ONLY did your automated service NOT explain your Plus More Deal clearly, your store was CLOSED!!! EVERYONE knows people get hungry at 7am!! Besides, how many toppings do I get on what size pizza with your Plus More Deal that claims to cover two medium two topping pizzas?!

-D. Um. Bass

[Kristev]

Dear Unspecified Bass,

We had it explained, repeatedly and clearly, since you did, after all, call from Idiotsville. Our store hours are posted, and we shut down at midnight and don't open again until 10 a. m. You get two toppings, on two medium pizzas, and you are getting on our nerves.

Miss Kitty Potts,
Owner Poker Card Pizza.

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Dear Battle For Bargains Basement,

I went to your store with my friends, but I didn't buy anything. Now, with your store, it's a constant fight to be able to get anything that you want out of there, but my friends, Steele Whatiwant, May K. Distraction, Po Cket Picker, & Robin Youblind had a brilliant idea. The guys, Steele, Po, & Robin dressed up, not in armor like your other shoppers, but like store employees, while May wore armor and wanted to buy a television set.

Po said he had a credit card from somebody who wasn't watching. He's good at that, finding stuff in pockets people shouldn't be so careless with, and he gave the card to May.

Then she picked out the hottest new television, claimed to be the wife of the man Po had clipped the card from, and paid for it with that. While the cashier was distracted, Robin, Po, & Steele put the television on a cart and wheeled it out for May, once of those carry out things, you know.

May led them to my truck, then the boys put it in, then they got in, and May got in, and off we went back home to watch the game on the brand new Supertelevision, a wide screen with HD.

But come the next morning, the police have shown up. They arrested us all. Including me! Why would they arrest me? What did I do? I had no hand in their theft!

I demand that all charges against me be dropped, I didn't do anything! The guys asked me for a ride and offered me money if I'd stay 'cause Steele wanted a television and May and Po had an idea how they could get one. I had nothing to do with it!

Drop the charges for me, and my friends, and give me a million dollars! 'cause if you refuse, you'll find that managers can be just as badly injured as employees and other shoppers at Battle For Bargains Basement.

Signed,

Mr. Bo N. Head.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Head,

You were an accomplice since you drove the getaway car even if you didn't know about the crime. I would recommend getting an attorney to help you out.

Sincerely,

B. Argain
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where does your rude employee get off asking me for ID for cigarettes and lottery tickets? I had my 2 children with me so that should've been enough. I demand you tell your employees to stop asking customers for ID. If you don't, I will set fire to the lottery machine.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Legalage

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Legalage, Supermarket Manager,

The law requires that we ask for ID under all circumstances. Besides, you should be flattered, not incensed. The last time I went to buy cigarettes, I got carded, and the boy said that he thought I looked 16. I'm 45! It was the highlight of my day. Look at it as a compliment, honey. I did.

Signed,

Mrs. Deb I. T. Card,

Assistant manager of It's In The Cards Supermarket.

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Dear Lead Pipe Park Sports Arena,

I was watching the great big Sillybowl event, where all of the nation's soccer teams show up to battle to see which one proves to be the best in an all-day marathon of matches until only the top two teams are left.

But when it got to the last game, with only the final two teams left, with both teams at exact scores, suddenly a woman stood up and started screaming. Then the man beside her began telling everyone that there was a fire on the arena. The next thing I know, everyone is running, while I remain in my seat. That is, until I notice how many people have left things behind, so I began to loo . . . clean up the mess. I found at least ten wallets full of money . . .

But people keep bothering me. First a man, then a woman, then another man, then a man in an arena uniform, and finally one of the soccer players himself from one of the losing teams all come up to me, at various times, once per person, telling me that the stadium is on fire and everyone has to get out.

Finally, the soccer player grabs me and makes me go with him, while some woman paramedic tells me she needs to treat me for smoke inhalation and check for burns. Which I did not have! How dare she?

Incidentally, I'm suing for my medical bills, and for the harassment! How dare all those people keep bothering me?

I demand that you give me a lifetime pass, and that you either be equipped with men waiting with fire extinguishers, or that a little fire not be allowed to ruin everyone's fun. We never even knew which team won the tournament!

Angrily yours, Miss Dee Point.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Miss Point,

We had to get you out and treated for your own safety. However, we are sending everyone free passes to the makeup game but it won't be a lifetime pass. Unfortunately, we have no control over when a fire starts. However, we are looking into getting some fire extinguishers for the field should this happen again.

Sincerely,

S. P. ortsfield
Manager



Dear Church Choir Director,

Every year on Christmas Eve since I was little, I have come to Christmas Eve service. Each year, I look forward to hearing this song but they played another song in place of it. My Christmas was ruined because the song I've heard every year since I was young was not played this year. I demand that the usual song be played every Christmas Eve service from now on or I will set fire to the organ.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Traditional

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mrs. Traditional:

Sorry, but we've never performed this song. This is also the first time we've met you; your Catholic boyfriend usually attends our Masses either alone or with his family. Perhaps you're upset because he invited you to come to our Christmas Eve Mass this year?

Sincerely,

Angel McChoir
Choir Director
St. Patrick's Catholic Church

Dear Clothing Store:

Why can't I get tires for my refrigerator? Dogbert told me that the customer is always right, and that shopping makes me smart! So you better do as I say if you don't want a rat clinging onto your legs!

Sincerely,

Ratbert

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ratbert,

Tires are found at a car shop and don't go on the refrigerator. If you send any rats to go into our clothing, we will call an exterminator.

Sincerely,

C. L. Othes
Manager



Dear Pet Store Manager,

Where does your rude employee get off telling my 12 year old daughter that she can't adopt a pet without a parent/guardian with her? The permission note I gave her to show you should've been enough. I demand you train this employee to honor permission notes to adopt pets even if they're minors. If you don't, I will have all of my friends and family come in the store and take home any pet they want without paying.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Permissionnote

[cindybubbles]

Dear Chief of Police:

I'm going to need some officers for extra security on my premises. Attached is the letter from a Mrs. Permissionnote threatening robbery and possible cruelty to animals.

Please arrest and detain anyone who attempts to leave the store with unpaid pets and/or merchandise.

Sincerely,

Blythe Barkins
Owner
The Pet Store




Dear Grocery Store Manager:

I am shocked and appalled that you actually called the police on me and had me dragged away in handcuffs! After all, isn't tasting free and legal?

I taste food in public all the time. It's not my fault that the peaches looked so appetizing, or that the strawberries were so scrumptious! If I could have broken the glass, I would have gotten my hands on some prime salmon filets, too! I'm an expert at sashimi, don't you know?

I demand that you let me back into your store, or I'll unleash my freeloading family on you!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sample Queen

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. Queen,

Samples are only free and legal if you ask an employee for a sample of an item. What you did was illegal so you are banned until the enclosed bill is entirely paid for.

Sincerely,

P. R. Ofit
Manager



Dear Pharmacy Manager,

You had no right to fire me! All I did was make copies of patient files and pass them out to customers. I demand you give me my job back at once. If you don't, I will hack into the system and change the prescriptions.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Blabbermouth