The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Beethastarr,

You need to learn to drink responsibly and you didn't. We couldn't allow you or your drunk bandmates to perform in your current states. We won't be dropping the charges but we will send some asprin. The only person that will be bannned is you until the enclosed bill is fully paid.

Sincerely,

P. R. Omotor
Manager



Dear Office Store Manager,

You had no right to fire me. All I did was post on Facebook is that you're a jerk and that I spend my shift reading fanfiction. I demand you rehire me and allow me to do whatever I want on the job. If you don't, I will post on my Facebook page that you steal money out of the registers.

Sincerely,

Donna Wanda Work

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Ms Work,

I think that your memory is at fault here a tiny bit. Not only did you post that, but you also posted a photograph of a voodoo doll in my image stuck with a dozen pins, a rambling screed on how you would like to murder me by disemboweling me with with a stapler and a very disturbing conversation with a young man named "Death" about the best places to bury my mangled corpse. I have printed out the screenshots and have informed the police as I fear for my life. As for your other threat, good luck on doing that with a permanent ban from Facebook, as I also forwarded what you posted to them and they have decided to shut down your page.

Yours sincerely,

Store Manager.

~~~

Dear Manager of Krap-Mart,

I am absolutely disgusted at the way that you continue to supply plastic bags to shoppers. Don't you know that plastic bags are the tool of Satan and extremely damaging to the environment? You might as well be selling ivory and tiger skins. I demand that you replace your plastic bags with washable ones of woven cloth, or else I will call up all my old hippy friends in order to stage a sit in protest outside your store.

Yours,

Ms Ima Kerazi.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Kerazi,

Feel free to stage a sit in protest if you'd like. However, some of our customers prefer the plastic bags and we have reusable bags for sale in our store.

Sincerely,

C. Loth
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I went up to the checkout and your rude employee was cleaning the belt. I was offended so I went to another checkout where the belt wasn't being cleaned. I demand you tell your employees not to clean around customers because it's offensive. If you don't, I will take all of the cleaners from the registers and dump out all of the liquid on the floor.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Important

[Sarlon]

Dear mrs Important,

I apologize for the inconvenience, but someone had opened up 32 packages of of chicken breasts and thighs and the cashier was cleaning up the mess because another unhappy customer didn't agree with the prices.

We will have our employees clean their belts as needed to keep your food safe.

E. Coli
Supermarket manager.
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Dear Rlyeh Tailors,

Someone has breached my domain......you have failed.....the evil beast has brought the war to me!

CORRECT THIS PROBLEM OR FACE MY WRATH!!!!!

ps- she brought holly, mistletoe, and that pagan tree lighting thing!

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Johnson,

I sent warnings that your web site was going to expire for non-payment for 3 months now. Since you let your web site lapse, we let another customer use christmastreefun.com for her business.

We will not let you have another site on our servers until you become current with the money you owe us.

Sincerely,

Rlyeh Tailors, Chief Sales Manager, Web Hosters, LLC

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Dear Office Store,

I read somewhere that girls are turned on by guys with large packages. I decided to buy your large 3'x3'x2' box to turn my girlfriend on. When my girlfriend showed up at my place, she laughed at the package I bought at your store. She told me that I should return the box. When I tried to return the box, the clerk told me that I couldn't return the box because it had been "used."

How could you take advantage of that kind of misinformation? You people should be ashamed of yourselves.

Sincerely,

Hugh G. Rection

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Rection,

Yes, some women are very excited by a huge package. But the word package isn't intended to mean a box, unless, of course, it's Christmastime or anniversary time.
And haven't you read the list of bylaws I have passed? All returns are banned at my company!

As for being ashamed, not a chance. I rule this company thanks to a hostile takeover, and I will never, never let it go. I may let you go as a customer, though, because I find you are insufficiently worshipful and I do not appreciate it.

But I thank you, for now I have decided, because of you, to impose an idiot surcharge. So you aren't banned. But you may bow and grovel before my picture.

Sincerely,

Mr. Poe Tentate.

Owner & supreme lord of Office Despot.

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Dear Mother Jane's Pizza,

Your new BaconMeister pizza tasted just wonderful from the big supply of pizzas on the munchie table that the organizer had bought at your parlor and brought to the anti-vaccine rally. So when it ended, I decided to go and order one.

Well, we leave the rally and go to your parlor. While I'm letting my sons run around, they start coughing all over the place. Naturally, I give my sons Kleenex to wipe it up and tell them to do it while I put my attention back to waiting for the pizza.

But the very day after my children ate your grossly undercooked bacon-infested pizza, they came down with a horrible sickness! All sorts of red dots on their face, and a gruesome rash, for one thing, not to mention several other illnesses! And worse yet, I heard several other kids from the rally had also gotten sick. I'm not surprised, since there were people eating your pizza there.

So naturally about ten days later, I heard that that parlor had temporarily closed. I called to complain, but was told by your assistant manager, Miss Ree Spon Sible, that your store had a measles outbreak that the pizza parlor was shutting down until the health department cleared it.

But what about my sons? I demand that their medical bills be paid, along with the homeopathic and herbal remedies that I bought for them first before I finally had to take them to a doctor! I'm out bucketfulls of money! I intended to complain about your sickening pizza earlier, but I was so busy taking my kids to homeopathic healers and herbalists, and then finally to a hospital, that I never had time to call your store until I heard that it had closed.

I demand that you give me four million dollars, one million to pay all the medical and assorted bills, one million to cover my own pain, suffering, humiliation, and just plain stress! Plus one million for my time, and one million for punitive measures!

I also demand that you provide my family with free pizza for life - but that you strip bacon from your list of toppings!

This is all your fault and I demand restitution! If you refuse, I'll go back to my friends at the rally, and the media, and I'll hire a lawyer, and I will own your company by the time I'm through! And don't you think I won't! I've done it before, although the company I won before mysteriously folded after all the staff quit. Oh well, that won't happen this time. I'll bar them from quitting!

Angrily yours,

Miss Lil Whitelie.

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Miss Whitelie,

You're an anti-vaxxer, right? Well, I hate to break it to you, but your kids have measles which is a preventable disease if you vaccinate. They did not catch this from our pizza, but probably from some other idiot who refuses to vaccinate. Also, your disease ridden kids gave my employee, who has an immune system problem and can't be vaccinated measles, meaning that I had no choice but to shut the store. I have informed the local health authority about you and the fact that you were responsible for the measles outbreak, and you won't be getting anything from me. I also would recommend you get your kids vaccinated as measles can cause brain damage and I'd hate for them to suffer the same fate as you.

Yours insincerely,

Mother Jane.

PS Good luck with your run to the local paper. My daughter runs that and I have already given her the story about you and your measles bearing children. Enjoy reading about it in the next edition.

~~~

Dear manager of ice cream store,

I took my eight children to your store the other day, only to find out that you had run out of their favourite flavour of chocolate. They cried all the way home, you evil witch. I demand a £500 gift voucher and a grovelling letter of apology or I will never go to your store again.

Yours,

Miss I Hayte-Thepil

[purplecat41877]

Dear Miss Hayte-Thepil,

Enclosed is a £500 gift card and coupons for free ice cream. We apologize for running out but the flavors are very popular so it's hard to keep them constantly in stock.

Sincerely,

S. Coop
Manager



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I came to your store to get some Easter baskets and was offended to find that some of the baskets had candy in them. Don't you realize how bad candy is for you? I demand you remove the candy and replace it with healthy foods. If you don't, I will take all of the candy off the shelf and set it on fire.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Healthnut

[Tyg3rW01f]

Dear Mrs. Nut
NO
Candy sells. Don't believe us, check our profit margin.
now go pout for someone who gives a flying f**k.

Harvey T. I. Bunny
Dime-A-Product Grocery CEO

-------------------------
Dear Admins of Customers Suck Dot Com,

I have NEVER been more insulted! I have been banned from your website because of my profession! This is discrimination! Just because I posted tasteful images of my physical relations with my 19-year old boy-toy on your site, does NOT give your staff the right to ban me!
I DEMAND you reinstate my account and repost my images, or I will... flame-war every post I can read!

Cluel Esspron Star

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Star,

We do not allow pornographic pictures on our site. We also do not allow spam or harassing other members. After all, we wouldn't want a penis pump spam on a website called "Customers Suck."

Sincerely,



-----

Dear US Army,

I was appaled that one of your generals would blow up a huge bomb underground. Now there is a huge hole near Petersburg, VA. In fact, you admitted that General Ambrose Burnside set off the explosives. I demand that you bring back Burnside and make him fill that hole back in.

Sincerely,

Histor Icle Dullard

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Dullard,

General Burnside passed away more than a century ago. Therefore, someone else will have to fill that hole.

Sincerely,

D. Y. Namite
Army Captain



Dear Furniture Store Manager,

You had no right to fire me. All I did was sleep on the sofa during my shifts. I demand you rehire me and allow me to sleep all I want on the job. If you don't, I will tell everyone I know that you make your employees work during their shifts.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sleeper

[Tyg3rW01f]

To the Unique Personality "Sleeper",

We did not fire you. Noooo, we promoted you. Your new position is one we call "Domicile Horizontal Administrator". In your new position, you will be required to ensure that the furniture of your own home has not been moved, and your couch is properly prepared for rest and relaxation.
Sadly, your new position is unpaid, but you can sleep all you wish. If you are unsatisfied, we can introduce you to our Head of Security, Jim Malone. His methods, whilst a bit extreme, produce excellent results. Our last after-hours customer, thanks to Mr. Malone, now resides at Country Lane Memorial Gardens.

Signed,
E. Ness
Manager of Treasury Dept. Furniture

----------------

Caltech,

We at the Children's Play Palace regret to ask you to curtail your staff. One of your faculty broke in three days ago (as of your receipt of this letter) and arranged the balls in the ball-pit by color. The offending faculty member was identified as Dr. S. Cooper by another of your staff, Dr. L. Hoffschtedter.
Please, for the sake of our customers and their children, inform Dr. Cooper he is not welcome here.

Blue Shift
Head of Security -- Children's Play Palace.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Shift,

We do not currently employ anyone with those names. We believe that two of our students may have been responsible for that simple prank. After all, our students have a rich history of pranks, including The Great Rose Bowl Hoax.

If you can give us a description of the two pranksters, we will talk to them about this.

Sincerely,

Redshift Doppler, Dean of Student Affairs, California Institute of Technology

-----

Dear Computer Medics,

How dare you give me shoddy advice? I called your help desk about not having enough hard drive space for my por, uh, I mean my applications. You suggested that I clean the junk files out of my computer. So, I decided to put it in the dishwasher. Now, thanks to you jerks, my computer doesn't run anymore.

I demand that you give me money to replace my computer and $50,000 in restitution.

Sincerely,

Ludd Ite

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Ite,

Computers don't belong in a dishwasher. At all. We told you to clean it out with an anti-virus program. We will not give you anything, but we have called the police based upon some of the sites where you got your, uh, applications, from. They'll have quite a lot to say to you, I'm sure. You won't need a computer any longer.

Sincerely,

Doctor Tex Nology, manager of Computer Medics.

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Dear Jamocha Coffee Shop,

When I went to your store, which specializes in coffees from the Caribbean, I found your decor, which looked like a beach in Jamaica, to be just delightful. You even promise to be an oasis of island paradise on a busy, bustling street. Unfortunately, that decor was all I found delightful or paradisaical in your shop.

It was my first day off from my important corporate executive job in several days. Don't you know how important I am? I make billions for my company, and for myself, every single day by telling people what they want to hear. It's not my fault people can't read contracts carefully any longer.

And it's not my fault that the stores down the street, which Jamocha happened to be on, have such horrible customer service! They denied me my proper eighty percent discount for buying broken merchandise, I couldn't get one of the staff working there to stop challenging me as a thief until I stepped on him . . .
In short, it was a horrid day and I wanted to go and get some relaxation and relief somewhere. And there was your place, Jamocha, and so I went in there for some sanctuary.

At first everything went well, but your clerk kept telling firstly that my debit card didn't work. How dare she tell me that? I had to pay in cash. She didn't see that I took the cash to pay for my coffee from the tip jar, but it's her own fault. She should've been more vigilant.

Well, when I finally got my coffee, it was ice cold! Naturally I demanded it be remade, and twice over, they still didn't get it right. They offered me my money back, and I accepted it. Then some little boy said that I had lied and taken the money from the tip jar, and when the employees looked, they saw it was empty.

I was so mad I tore down the nets on the walls, smashed the fish tank, pushed the little boy, and was about to stomp on him, when some horrible woman stepped up.

She held up a doll and said that she was security - spiritual security. If I didn't leave, she'd make me leave. So I tried to trample her, and the next thing I know, she's using the voodoo doll to make me walk out, and so I do walk out.

I walk out, without my own consent, right into a moving car that crashes right in to me!

Now I'm in the hospital, losing money every day, and I heard that they're checking my contracts and my books. I expect your store to make full restitution to me! You'll give me what I want, or I'll sue, and with the power of their lawyers, our corporation will own your store!

Signed,

Fraudzilla, aka Miss Ann E. Thingto Winn, officer # 302 in the 1,000 top corporate executives at Because We Said So!

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Winn,

We are pressing charges and banning you from our store. Also, your manager will be receiving a copy of your letter.

Sincerely,

F. Oldgers
Coffee Shop Manager



Dear Airport Manager,

Where do you get off putting me on a later flight? All I did was show up half an hour before my plane was scheduled to take off which should be plenty of time. I demand free flights for the next four months to make up for this. If you don't, I will hack into the system and change the flight information.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Casual