The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[MoonCat]

Dear Airport Manager,

Where do you get off putting me on a later flight? All I did was show up half an hour before my plane was scheduled to take off which should be plenty of time. I demand free flights for the next four months to make up for this. If you don't, I will hack into the system and change the flight information.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Casual

Dear Mrs. Casual,

We are awarding you one free flight to the country of your choice. The only stipulation is that is a one-way flight. We hear Outer Mongolia is nice this time of year. Enjoy your trip.

Yours,
A. Cessna
Airport Manager

_________

Dear Bakery Owner,

Four months ago my daughter-in-law ordered a wedding cake from your store. It was her own concept and was just perfectly darling, 5 layers high with a roller coaster on top. Well, on the day of the wedding, right before the VERY EXPENSIVE reception, one of my friends told me we had a PROBLEM! At first I thought the wedding party had been in a car accident, but my friend said no, it was worse than that! Your cheaply-made cake was tipping over!! And the roller coaster was falling off the top!! Imagine my HORROR and SUFFERING! Even the 20 little kids who were running around and playing under the table were upset! I DEMAND you refund the entire cost of the cake and give me $10,000 for my embarrassment. If you don't I'll post nasty reviews about your store online!!!

Signed,
Mrs. A. Battleaxe

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. Battleaxe,

Your daughter was warned that the coaster wouldn't stay on a 5 layer cake and she refused to listen. Therefore, you'll receive nothing.

Sincerely,

C. Ake
Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I was in your store and I kept being greeted. When I shop, I want to shop in peace. I demand you make employees stop greeting customers. If you don't, I will hire a demolition crew to wreck your store.

Sincerely,

Leaf Mealone

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Mealone,

Our associates practice customer service. We like to help customers find what they need. If you don't like our clerks asking you questions, we do have the option of online ordering. You can shop to your hearts content. We'll even deliver it to you. Please don't call a demolition crew.

Sincerely,

Berry Apple, Good Foods Grocery

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Dear Heindrich German Restaurant,

How could you do this to me? The large male human of the family I'm with said that there was a new rat seller in town. I decided that I needed to check this out for myself since I haven't seen a rat since living here. When the large female human opened the door to do whatever she does all day, I made a mad dash and escaped the "house." When I made it to your so called "rat seller," I was able to get in when these nice humans opened the door for me.

When one of the humans saw me, he chased me around with this broom-like object. I was able to get away from him and that thing by hiding under boxes. That's when these guys in uniforms came by and stuffed me in the back of their truck. Then, I had to face that "veterinarian" woman again. I wish she would stop sticking that thing in my rear end.

After the family of humans came and stuffed me in their car, they gave me something they claimed came from you. Although it was delicious, it didn't taste like rat at all. It tasted like beef. How could you deceive me like that? Please tell my family my name is not Fluffy, it's Sampson.

Sampson, Destroyer of Rats

(Note: A rathskeller is a type of German restaurant.)

[wolfie]

Dear Fluffy,

We are NOT a "rat seller" - having rats on the premises would get us shut down by the health department. You misheard the description of the type of restaurant we are.

As it stands, one of the customers on the premises when you arrived was an inspector from the health department. We were temporarily shut down (just long enough to clean up) due to YOUR presence - fortunately the inspector realized that it was not OUR decision to allow you on the premises, otherwise we would have been shut down for longer. You are also lucky that Billy Bob Redneck had just left before you arrived - he frequently asks for "roof rabbit", which is a variety of meat we do not stock.

Sincerely,

A. Kraut, restaurant manager

P.S. A user on the internet forum "Customers Suck", who obfuscates their employer's name as "The Litter Box", would like to have a word with you.


Dear baked goods seller,

I am disappointed by your misleading advertising. I purchased a pack of Little Debbie snack cakes, and found that there was NO Little Debbie in them. In the past, I've encountered the same problem with Girl Scout Cookies. If you don't include the advertised "magic" ingredient in the products you sell, YOU are on the menu.

Sincerely,

Anthro Phage

[Tyg3rW01f]

Mr. Phage,
We are not responsible for the packaging of the products we sell. We have reported you to the FBI, as it appears you've been a few ram-phages before. As a free gift, please enjoy the outfit we have enclosed.

J. E. Hoover
Fully Baked Ingestibles -- Director
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Dear Bulletproof Software,
Recently a buddy of mine and I were getting drunk on Bud and buzzed on mountain-grass when we decided to play some Block Stacker. Well, your name came up on the credits, and my bud, Jethro, said, "They's ain't bulletproof!"
I replied, " 'es 'ey are. I'll prove it! Hol' muh beer! Watch this!"
I took the game into the yard and put four .44 Magnum bullets into it. Lo an' behold, they went clean through! And the game di'n't play none neither!
I demands my money back, five pounds of mountain-grass and free beer fer life!

Buzz D. Ijit

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Ijit,

We are not responsible for damages that you cause and we don't sell alcoholic beverages. Therefore, you'll receive nothing.

G. Amer
Manager



Dear Restaurant Manager,

Where do you get off making me leave just because the kitchen caught on fire? I was enjoying my dinner and I never got to finish it. I demand you give me a replacement meal and free meals for the rest of the year to make up for this. If you don't, I will smash all of the wineglasses and pour wine on all of the tables.

Sincerely,

Wanda Eatmyfood

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Ms Eatmyfood,

The restaurant actually burned to the ground; thank God for insurance! You are indeed welcome to come and sit in the ashes and have a meal; I'll buy you a sandwich and a bottle of Coke, myself! I'm currently in talks to restart the restaurant at new premises, I look forward to seeing you there once we're open.

Yours sincerely,

Restaurant Manager (and owner).

~~~

Dear McDonalds Manager,

Your food is so fattening, after eating your food for four years I put on twenty stone! Since it's your fault that I'm obese, I demand compensation. About twenty grand ought to do it, a thousand for every stone you made me put on.

Yours, Mr I Ateloads.

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Ateloads,

We agree, our food is good, but there is such a thing as self-control. Your demands are denied, but we will gladly offer you a coupon for one free Big Mac Combo.

Eat in good health,

Ms. Ress Apie, McDonalds Manager.

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Dear Invasive Jumbostore,

I went to your store because I heard that you had a great big sale on meat. So I went, and I bought all the meat I could. By the time I was finished, I had my shopping carts full and you didn't have any of the meat left in your bunkers. So everything was fine, but when I got up to the register, you wouldn't take my coupons. I had an entire shopping cart full of coupons before I even came into your store and started getting meat.
So what if I went through the ten items or less lane? I had only one item - meat.
Finally, your employees wouldn't let me use my coupons at all, so I went through the self-checkout and used my coupons, entering them by hand and overriding the error messages.
I was able to pay for all my meat for the price I expected to pay, two dollars and seventy five cents.

So what's this big bill I've gotten in the mail for five hundred dollars? I refuse to pay it and I'm not bringing back that meat! If you people can't accept legitimate coupons, that's not my problem.

Not only will I not pay this bill, I demand five hundred million dollars myself for the trouble this has caused me! It embarrassed me in front of all my friends on my big feast night, and I'm telling you, my friends eat like piranhas.

I'm going to sue you people for harassment, and I've got to tell you, Bruce Amity, my lawyer, is a real shark. He's better than Perry Mason and he's deadlier than a fisherman. He'll get me my money, and free meat for life. So you should be afraid of him. Trust me. Even air tanks shot by a gun, electrical wires, bombs in the mouth, and being rammed in the side by an angry, crazy woman on a boat haven't killed him yet. So he will thoroughly enjoy you.

Do yourself a favour. I'll settle for four hundred million right now. If you won't give me that, and you're not afraid of Bruce Amity, I'll come back with all my school chums. We can get mean, and we know how to take a chunk of out things ourselves.

Signed, Mr. Barry Cuda.

OOC: I stayed out of the game for a while because I thought my letters were breaking the game. If I am, do let me know.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Cuda,

Those coupons were valid but they were not for meat. Therefore, we are pressing charges for coupon fraud and you are banned until the bill is fully paid.

Sincerely,

V. Alid
Store Manager



Dear Police Captain,

You had no right to have me arrested just because I ran around the track wearing nothing. I'm a police officer so it's illegal to arrest me. I demand you release me from this cell so I can go arrest some criminals. If you don't, I will change all of the police files which I can get away with since I'm a police officer.

Sincerely,

Miss Officer I. M. Mune

[Kristev]

Dear Officer Mune,

As you know perfectly well, your ex-wife runs on that track every day, in her clothing. And as you know perfectly well, your constant attempts to win her back after she caught you in bed with the babysitter succeeded only in getting you subjected to a restraining order. You knew she'd be on the track at that time. Though we will never condone nudity, we are thankful that you left your gun behind, this time.

You belong in jail and are an embarrassment to the force!

Yours sincerely, A. G. J. U. Stice

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Dear By the Gross-ery,

I went to your store to go buy a case with a hundred cans of my favourite, Peter Out peanut butter, which, tastes terrific but really becomes underwhelming fast. Then even have a great jingle - "You'll love our peanut butter, we know without a doubt. But eat it fast because it's Peter Out."

Anyway, as I'm getting there, old Mrs. McFeeble is there with help from her son, and they are getting the last case of a hundred cans of Peter Out! And I want it. So while she is there holding the cart, and her son is putting the case in the cart, I ram the cart expecting to knock it away so her son drops the case, and I'll be able to get it.

But your horrible employees do an awful job cleaning up your store! I slip on some water! Water, I tell you. Not only do I land flat on my back, but my plan to ram carts misfires and my cart crashes right in to Mrs. McFeeble!

She falls to the floor and your staff all run to her, as does her son. Nobody notices me at all. So, even though my back is in awful pain, I am able to crawl the last case and get it. And you know what really makes me see red? After I get home, it turns out that it wasn't Peter Out I bought at all! It was Skimpy peanut butter. I hate Skimpy!

And before you ask me "Well, have you tried Gyp yet?" I want you to know just how outraged I am! How dare your store have a wet floor? How dare you run out of what I came for? How dare you allow Mrs McFeeble and her son into your store and treat them like they're something special just because she got hit by a shopping cart?

I want ten trillion dollars for my pain and suffering and lifetime supply of Peter Out, but, of course, given to me one a week. It's no good after a week because it really does live up to its name.

If you refuse, I will go to your store and set off the fire alarms so your entire floor will be sopping wet! And then I will take all the Skimpy and Gyp that I can and smear your walls with it, and I won't stop until I get my money!

Signed, Miss Getall Thatt Iwant.

[XCashier]

Dear Miss Iwant,

You admitted planning to commit assault and battery just to get some crummy peanut butter. Now you're planning vandalism and setting a false alarm. Right, I'm forwarding this letter to the police department. I foresee you spending a long time behind bars, eating their rock-bottom brand of peanut butter and green bologna.

Oh, and try Carter's All-Natural Peanut Butter. It beats all the other brands by a country mile!

Sincerely,
Mr. Bulk Purchase, owner,
By-The-Grocery Food Warehouse

* * * * *

Dear Crap...er, Craft Store,

What the hell is wrong with you! I wanted new curtains for my house, so I ran right over and picked the prettiest fabric you had. The bitch at the cutting table had the nerve to ask me if I'd measured my windows. Like, why should I? Isn't it her JOB to know how much fabric I'd want? Then she refused to cut and sew each individual curtain for me! Again, isn't that her job? Why should I do it myself?!

I can't believe how useless your people are! I demand that you fire all of them and hire some slaves willing workers to do all of my work for me!

Sincerely,
Mrs. Vera High-Maintenance

OOC: I stayed out of the game for a while because I thought my letters were breaking the game. If I am, do let me know.

It looks like my letters are the game-breaker, not yours.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. High-Maintenance,

Our employees cut and supply the fabric for customers. If you want someone to measure and sew your curtains, hire a maid.

Sincerely,

Nota Slave
Manager



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

I was in line behind a customer who had WIC checks. She had to keep running back to get the proper items since she didn't have the right ones. I was steamed that I had to wait so I took my groceries without paying for them. I demand you stop this program immediately or I will break into the formula section and pour all of the formula on the floor.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Supreme

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Supreme-L'Awful,

Yes, we recall you well. You're the person who likes to snoop on what other people buy when they have food stamps, too.
We recall how you grabbed the ice cream box, the special treat for that boy's birthday next week, out of his hands and chastised his mother for daring to spend your tax dollars on such things! You made such a fuss that you made the news, but not in a good way . . .

And now you're back to bother people who have WIC checks and aren't skilled at using them yet. So you stole groceries from us and want us to ban a program?

How about we just ban you instead? And there was feasting and merriment throughout the store, for the dragon-lady had been banned for all time.

Sincerely,

Miss E. Quality.

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Dear Bluebox manager,

How dare you send me a bill? I should be billing you! And for so many thousands? I demand a million from you instead!

It all started because I won a free movie rental as a promo and let my kids have it. So, while I stayed in the restaurant, eating my dinner, my kids went to Bluebox and picked a free movie.
They picked Alice in Burtonland, where a grown woman cuts Helena B. Carter down to size.

I couldn't believe it when we took the movie home and watched it! What filth! It was the most disgusting movie I ever saw! How dare they make a movie about a woman, a woman, who slays a dragon and takes down a queen all on her own, with no help from a man?

Well, I was so outraged that when the movie was over, I snapped the disk in two, then I went to the Bluebox where they got it from and broke it with my tools, cracking it open and breaking it to bits. Then I destroyed every disk in there that was inappropriate for children! I was doing my duty as a father!

How dare you allow children to rent movies unsupervised? How dare you have movies to rent that offend the sensibilities of good people? And how dare you send me this bill?

I want free movies for life, and that all your movies be edited so that they reflect classical values only, or else I will destroy every Bluebox in town!

No doubt the whole community will thank you.

Mr. Shaw Venist Vandelle

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Vandelle,

You're responsible for your children. You're also responsible for the enclosed bill and your request for free movies for life are denied.

Sincerely,

M. Ovie
Manager



Dear Cinema Manager,

Why didn't you supply tissues for the movie I paid to watch? It was a very tragic movie so tissues should've been supplied. I demand you supply tissues for all tragic movies from now on or at least raincoats. If you don't, I will post on Facebook that you don't supply customers with what they need to be able to watch tragic movies.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Waterfall

[Tyg3rW01f]

Dear Mrs. Waterfall,
We are not Sea World, therefore we do not supply raincoats.
Feel free to post on Fartbarf all you like, it will do you no good, and in fact, be publicity for us.

C. Nema
-manager Silver Screen Theatre

===========================

Dear Numtinda
WHY did you have to make Stupor Luigi Siblings so darn difficult?! WHY?!
I demand you reissue the game in a easier to beat format, or I'll... get drunk and protest in front of Costco where I bought this game 35 years ago!
D. Um Bass