The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Bass,

We're sorry you're having difficulty with our game. If you play the game sober, it will probably be easier.

Sincerely,

Numtinda Tahashi, Numtinda Games

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Dear Sleepy Kitty Hotel,

When I stayed at your hotel last week, I received a note saying that somebody was coming in my room to "test the internet." I also noticed a little chocolate with an Insurance Company's business card attached. Also, the table in my room was cleared off.

Although I didn't notice anything missing, I know what you're up to. You were planning to waylay me in my own hotel room and make it look like an accident. Then you were going to steal my identity and drain my bank accounts. When I would eventually wake up, your desk clerk was going to tell me that I should have bought the insurance.

I will have irrefutable proof of your criminal enterprise. Your day of reckoning is coming.

Sincerely,

Pare A. Noid

[Tama]

Dear Mr. Noid,

I wasn't going to steal your identity. It was your tinfoil I wanted. You aren't the only one who needs protection!

They are coming!

-Motell M. Ager



Dear Ginyu Force,

You've turned my son Kuriza into a posing pansy. Stop teaching him how to dance and teach him how to fight or the fastest thing in the universe will be your butts out the nearest airlock!

Sincerely,

Lord Frieza

P.S. Neither the Dance of Failure nor the Dance of Shame will be necessary.

(I've been partaking in Abridged...liberally...)

[purplecat41877]

Dear Lord Friezy,

There are lots of guys that dance. If he wants to dance, you should try to support his decision even if you don't agree with it.

Sincerely,

Ginyu Force Management



Dear Party Club Manager,

You had no right to have me arrested for following the directions on the invitation. The directions stated that I should come wearing my birthday suit so that's exactly what I did. I demand you drop the charges and clarify that clothes should've been worn. If you don't, I will burn down the place with my strike anywhere matches.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Literal

[Sarlon]

Dear Mrs. Literal,

The nudist party that was clearly stated on the invitation was for the party across the hall from the one you invaded. They will only drop the charges if you promise never to appear naked in your life again.

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Dear heady nags hotel by the sea,

Every year for the past 10 years, we have used your hotel for our family reunion, buying out a large portion of your hotel for all our aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, and their children and girlfriends/boyfriends.

this past year we noticed you got a new management system or something since, when we went to check in at 2pm, we were told they lost our reservations and the entire hotel was booked solid.

We DEMAND you give us all our assigned blocks like we have for the past 10 years, and free lodging for the week that we stay there every year for the next 5, with ocean front rooms of course. plus $100,000 cash to be split amoung our family members evenly.

sincerely,
The Wiseass Family!

[catcul]

Dear Wiseass Family,

We do apologize for the inconvenience, but we were unable to warn you about having to cancel your reservations this year. We had the unfortunate "honor" of hosting the Armageddon Nightmare Band just before your arrival. They wrecked the section of the hotel we had reserved for your family so badly, we couldn't allow anyone to go there. When we filed our lawsuit against them, imagine the shock that they were being sued by the Starlite Hotel.

As for your demands, if you allow us to use your letter in court, we will be happy to meet your demands. It will be paid for by the "generosity" of the Armageddon Nightmare Band.

Sincerely,

Hilton Wright, Heady Nags Hotel by the Sea

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Dear Goaway Travel Agency,

How dare you drop us as clients? We have patronized your travel agency for more than 2 years.

I don't know why those hotels, car rental companies, or airlines are complaining about. They're being a bunch of cry babies. So what if we caused some minor property damage at those hotels or with those SUVs. They have insurance, they can pay for it. As for our last airline, they said that they were landing at the nearest airport because we were "being disruptive." Why do you keep booking us with such rude airlines?

I demand that you take us back as clients and let us travel for our entire tour for free. If you don't, we'll be "disruptive" in your offices.

Sincerely,

Al Lows-Everything, manager of the Armageddon Nightmare Band

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Lows-Everything,

Your band caused several million dollars in damages to all of the companies you did business with. These folks are banding together and bringing a huge lawsuit against you, as I'm sure you know by now, and they told us they'd bring it against us as well if we didn't drop you as clients. We are a small company and cannot afford a lawsuit such as this.

Besides, you're all adults, you should know by now that having screaming fits and trashing places is not acceptable behavior. So not only am I not taking you back as a client, I am using your letter to get a restraining order against you and your band.

Sincerely,
Jess Goaway, owner,
Goaway Travel Agency

* * * * *

Dear Dealer McDope,

Dude, what the hell did you sell us last night? That grass looked and smelled suspiciously like the stuff from a lawn mower bag, and the acid had me puking for hours! It ruined my voice! You better get us some better quality shit next time or we're going to kick your ass.

Regards,
Helena Handbasket, lead singer,
Armageddon Nightmare Band

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Handbasket,

That stuff I gave you came from the lawn mower bag and I'm glad your voice was ruined. Also, I'm not selling you anything else until all of the suits are settled.

Sincerely,

Dealer McDope



Dear School Principal,

Where do you get off having me come get my daughter out of school? All she did was hurl on the floor during class. She should've stayed in class since education is more important than anything. I demand you make your students stay in class with no exceptions whatsoever or I will tell everyone I know that you don't care about education.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Strict

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Strict

Your daughter is sick because she's a diabetic, and your telling her that she couldn't have lunch money this week, nor could she make lunch and bring it with her, just because she was fifteen minutes late coming home on Saturday night is a severe danger to her health.
One of our teachers paid for her to have lunch, and because her sugar was too low already, she had the counter-reaction of nausea from eating after her sugar was so low for so long. For your daughter's own good, we felt it best that she go home and eat!

We care very much about every student here, and are fully in support of their education. But we feel that depriving one's child of food is horrible enough, but in the case of a diabetic, we cannot allow that sheer neglect to go on. After all, a starving student is a distracted one who can't focus on learning, and in a diabetic's case, can be extremely dangerous. Education matters, but survival comes first.

And, since we believe in both, we've placed a few calls to C. P. S. Try explaining your theories about child-rearing to them . . .

Sincerely,

Dr. Stan Upfor Kids,
School Principal,

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Dear World Walkers Shoetique

I was desperately in need of new shoes because my own shoes had been worn out. So I went into your fine establishment and tried on several pairs of shoes. Finally, I found a pair that I just loved, that felt like Heaven on my feet, and that matched my favorite dress color, gold. And so I bought two pairs. I loved my shoe shopping experience, and virtually everyone in the store, including the manager, were nice enough to stop and talk to me. But I couldn't hear them, lost in my own happy bubble.
And I just loved how your staff member, Luke, was so caring and attentive that he went right to my pocket puppy, Fang. He played with him and kept him busy and even gave him a bone, which is good because Fang is just a puppy and he just loves to play fetch with just about anything he can find on the floor.

But when I went to the register, the manager was waiting for me with over a hundred boxes of disgracefully destroyed shoes I didn't want. They weren't even in my size and seemed completely random, as the only thing all these divergent shoes had in common was that they were all severely damaged. Yet your manager expected me to pay for them all!

Then your terrible manager, who had the name of Callie Co and wore a cat pin on her chest, so she simply must be a dog-hating cat-lover, told me that, because I brought Fang into the store and didn't pay any attention to what he was doing, she demanded that I pay for all those shoes.
Well, I refused to do this, and called her a dog hater.
She then informed me that Fang had mistaken a shoebox for a newspaper, and that she wanted me to buy everything she had and go!
I didn't know what to do, so I called my sister, Prudence Indeeds, who told me that I shouldn't have taken Fang with me out shopping yet and that it was best I just pay the bill and write a letter later. So I did.

Well, that ruined my shopping experience! I demand that World Walkers fully reimburse me for the five thousand dollars worth of shoes that I had to buy, and that they allow me and Fang to come into the store any time I want. And that Luke be Fang's dedicated attendant, and that dog-hating cat-lover be fired. You shouldn't have someone so discriminatory in your business!
Why, just yesterday, I saw her feeding a stray cat, though admittedly, she was nowhere near your business when she did it.
In fact, I don't want five thousand dollars anymore. I want five hundred thousand dollars, because my cousin, Sharkey Indeeds, is a lawyer and he'll sue your store, not to mention dragging its good name through the mud. Who'd ever shop again at a store that's so cruel to poor little puppies? Who is your store's owner, Cruella D'Ville?
If you don't, I'll come back to your store with a hundred and one Dalmation puppies and see how your little Miss Callie Co likes that!

Signed,
Ms. Blythe Indeeds.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Indeeds,

Your dog chewed the shoes that we charged you for. Not only are we not giving you any money but you are banned from our store.

Sincerely,

S. H. Oeheel
Manager



Dear Record Company Manager,

Where do you get off not accepting my demo? All I did was scream the lyrics to my songs as loud as I could. I demand you sign me and allow me to scream in my songs all I want. If you don't, I will go on the roof with a megaphone and scream as loud as I can from dusk to dawn.

Sincerely,

S. C. Reamer

[XCashier]

Dear S. C. Reamer,

I'm afraid you have the wrong record company. We produce jazz records. You want Lunatic Records. You may have heard of them, they're primarily punk and alternative rock and they've recently signed the Armageddon Nightmare Band to a three-record deal. I'm sure they can use your...unique talents.

Regards,
I. M. Allthat, founder,
Allthat Jazz Records

* * * * *

Yo, Lunatic Records Dude,

What gives, man? We signed on for your record deal and our records aren't selling for shit! Get our records moving or we're outta here!

Sincerely,
Armageddon Outta-Here, guitarist,
Armageddon Nightmare Band

(catcul Kristev, I hope you don't mind me taking your creation and running with it!)

[catcul]

(Actually, the ANB is Kristev's creation.)

Dear Mr. Outta-Here,

We have marketed your last record the best way we can. Unfortunately, the public does not seem to be interested in buying it. There's nothing we can do about it. If you try to record with someone else before releasing your third record, we will sue you for breach of contract. You obviously know what being sued means.

Sincerely,

Carl Vallenham

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Dear Lunatic Records,

How could you do this to me? I was peacefully taking a nap in the window when one of the younger humans walked in. Then, this horrible noise came out of what he called a "stereo." I decided to move to another part of the house to escape, but no matter where I went, I heard that awful noise.

Later, when the family was eating, I heard the young male tell the big male that that noise was "music" from something called the Armageddon Nightmare Band. Please make the young male stop so I can nap in peace. Please don't let this "Armageddon Nightmare Band" unleash that awful noise. Could you tell my family that my name is not Fluffy? It's Sampson.

Sincerely,

Sampson, Destroyer of Rats

[Kristev]

OOC: No, I'm not upset. Feel free to use any of my characters. It was rather flattering.

Dear Sampson, Destroyer of Rats

I understand completely. Luckily for you, Lunatic Records is undergoing a massive change because my Father finally bought them and has absorbed them into his own record company, the massive Classical and Refined Records.

We will be sending samples of our larger music catalogue to everyone who fills out the survey papers in our music, which your family did, actually.

And you have my personal promise that we are dropping the Armageddon Nightmare Band from our label, as we are dropping roughly half of the vile trash that escaped from Lunatic Records. So enclosed is a can of tuna just for you, with instructions to your family that it is just for you. And yet, I'll also tell them that you'd prefer to be known as Sampson, Destroyer of Rats.

Sincerely,

Peace Ann Quiet, Vice President of Classical and Refined Records and grateful step-daughter of Mr. N Joy Able, owner and C. E. O. of Classical and Refined Records.

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Dear Scamley's Toy Store,

I went to your store with my son while we were visiting Britain, and I purchased something wonderful, The Animatronic Balloon Dog.
It said on the box to keep away from all sharp objects but it also said that "It will love you, lick you, follow you, and do everything a dog can do except it, but it can fly!"
Well, I bought one for my son and he loved it. He let it run wild everywhere, and he enjoyed playing with it. Then we brought it home with us to the States, and once we got home, my son used it to torment his sister's cat.

We all had great fun watching it chase the kitty all throughout the house, except for my daughter. It was her cat, and she didn't think letting the toy dog chase the cat was a fair thing to do at all.

Finally, our kitty jumped up to the high bookshelf, and so, while my daughter tried to climb up and coax her kitty down and the rest of us were full of uproarious laughter, my son decided to make the dog fly.

It flew all the way up to the top of the bookshelf, barking at the cat the whole time, and then suddenly from out of nowhere, the cat slapped the toy dog's face.

The poor Animatronic Balloon Dog went flying all around the room, yelping and moaning, while my daughter grabbed her cat and held on to her for dear life to protect the kitty from my angry son. His toy dog just flew all around the room wildly, until it finally deflated, gave a final sad whimper, and limply fell across the arm of the couch like a busted, airless balloon.
My daughter even had the nerve to say it was my son (her brother's) fault for not stopping when it was clear enough he'd scared her kitty, and my fault for not stopping him before this happened! What nerve of her!

I demand a full refund and a new dog, made of stronger flesh so the cat can't literally burst my son's balloon, as well as ten million dollars and a lifetime supply of toys for my son!

If you refuse, I'll use the Internet to tell everyone what a scam of a toy store you are! And I'll use the media because I'm a regular caller on a widely-heard radio show from a man who has both his own radio and television show. So I can call them up and tell them what scammers you are, and he'll spread the word everywhere on his daily outrage program!

Let's see how long your refined toy store lasts now!

Angrily yours,

Ms. Dee M. Bunny.

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Bunny,

We have received a complaint about our inflatable dog from your daughter's cat. First of all, he wants to be known as Sampson, Destroyer of Rats. Also, you admitted that your son used our inflatable dog to torment that poor cat. Also, our dog has the warning, "Keep away from sharp objects," as you have also admitted. Since Sampson has not been declawed, he has sharp objects at the end of his paws.

We have sent Sampson a toy rat. As for you, your son, and your husband, all you're getting is a call from the ASPCA and the Humane Society.

Sincerely,

Parker Milton, Slimley Toy Company

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Dear Commonwealth of Virginia,

When I was looking up an address on the internet, I noticed that you have a something called Lickinghole Creek. I know what you're up to. You're trying to make our poor children a generation of perverts. That way, the people will continue to elect mind warped perverts instead of people of fine, moral character. It's obvious that the voters of your filthy state picked the wrong guy to be governor.

I will find evidence of your dirty, filthy, perverted deeds. Your day of reckoning is coming.

Sincerely,

Pare A. Noid

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Noid,

You don't like Lickinghole Creek? Well, there are plenty of places on the map to choose from. How about Hell, Michigan? Wankers Corner, Oregon? Spunky Puddle, Ohio? Fucking, Austria?

Somehow, I don't think a long-established place name is going to affect my ratings as governor. Thank you for your letter.

Sincerely,
Terry McAuliffe, Governor,
Commonwealth of Virginia

* * * * *

Deer Skool Prinsipul,

i bin goin to skool an stuf an Im still stoopid. I dunno, mebbe u shud jus giv me munny so i dont hafta wurk cuz im stoopid.

Sinseerlee,
Moe Ronic

[catcul]

Dear Mrs. Ronic,

Your husband, Moe, has made great progress since the accident. His motor skills seem to be returning as are his language skills. He was able to use a computer to type a letter. Unfortunately, his spelling and grammar are not where they need to be, but we are thrilled with the progress he is making. We have no idea why he would write to a deer.

Sincerely,

Dr. Peter Young, Happy Hills Health Systems

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Dear Happy Hills Health Clinic,

What is going on with you? I went with my girlfriend to your clinic. The physician, Dr. Johnson, told us that to enjoy each other more, we needed to be on the edge of Climax. So, my girl and I drove until we were at the "Climax City Limits" sign. As we were getting hot and heavy in the car, a policeman stopped us and told us we couldn't do it in front of the city limit sign.

I believe Dr. Johnson needs more training.

Sincerely,

Hugh G. Rection