The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Neyd-Jokes,

That joke you made is very common and has lost it's sense of humor. Therefore, your request is denied and we don't want to hear any bad jokes about our store.

Sincerely,

S. E. Rious
Store Manager



Dear Sorority President,

Where do you get off making me use a toothbrush to clean the bathroom? Don't you realize it takes forever? I demand you give me proper equipment from now on. If you don't, I will put purple dye into your shampoo and conditioner.

Sincerely,

P. L. Edge

[Kristev]

Dear Miss Edge,

I am so sorry that you had to go through that. But luckily for you, it could actually have been a lot worse. A girl got killed doing a stunt for a sorority at this school, and now that the investigation is complete, I am banning all sororities from this campus. So I'm sorry, but in return, now you can focus on your schooling. Have a great time on my newly safer campus.

Signed,

Lisa Eileen Arning,

School principal.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Better Consumer Bereau,

Until quite recently, I was unaware that there was such a place, where employees and managers could send reports, so that the BCB could provide reviews on business patrons who commit grave abuses with the hopes of stopping abuses and encouraging business clients to self-regulate.

For instance, I saw on your website that you have all sorts of people under all sorts of files. The bad check writers, the scam artists, the underage drinkers & the ID-free buyers, the drive and dash gas people, the dine and dashers, the stores are free babysitters people, the return abusers, and a whole host of others.

Well, much to my own disgust, I discovered that I was in one of those lists! Me, Mister Bill Kerr! It's disgusting! How dare I be on a list like this, let alone for something I didn't do.

It was not me at all who dolled up an old, worthless computer over A-Bay and sold it to someone as a brand new model. That wasn't me at all! A-Bay was biased and took the shopper's side without even asking me. Nor was it me that was involved in the other seven transactions that came up disputed! It had to have been someone hacking into my account and using my name!

So I'm suing A-Bay, and finding out that some worker on A-Bay sent a report about me to you is only going to make me add more damages to my lawsuit against them!

By the way, for revealing my name and the things I did . . . I mean, didn't do but was wrongfully accused of, I'm suing you, too! Ten million should suffice, along with the total depletion of your database. But could you send me a copy first so I can protect myself from ot . . . er, from scam artists?

Thanks and have a lousy day,

Mr. Bill Kerr.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Kerr,

You're on the list because you were reported for doing these things. Therefore, I would suggest getting a lawyer so this can get straightened out.

Sincerely,

O. P. Tions
Manager



Dear Art Museum Manager,

You had no right to have me arrested! All I did was go into the rooms that had paintings of people with no clothes on and paint over the offensive areas! I demand you drop the charges at once! If you don't, I will post on Facebook that you display offensive paintings!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Coveritup

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Coveritup

You defaced classic art. Do you have any idea how expensive those paintings were? And you ruined them! And don't bother with Facebook. Art has been scandalizing the world of the limited-minded for centuries. Remind me to explain to you why The Birth of Venus was such a shock in its day.

Sincerely,

Miss Blackie White.

Art Museum Manager.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Cougar Prowl Nature Meet Website,

I was told that your website was the place to meet cougars, and as I am quite a fan of older women with lots of money and a hankering for younger men like me, I was naturally drawn to your site.

So I go there, and start up a conversation with a gorgeous-sounding profile. She has a picture of a saucy lynx as her avatar, and when I ask her to send me a picture of her naked self, she sends me a full picture of that lynx, with a leash in her mouth, but no leash or collar around her neck.

"The leash is for you," she said, "so you can't get away."

She said the best things to me. Stuff like, "I love a man with a lot of meat on his bones. How I just love the thrill of the hunt. You sound good enough to eat."

So we agree to meet at the national park, and lo and behold, what do I see? Not a woman, not my cougar, but the lynx. She has a leash and tries to put it on me. And she hunts me. I was so afraid for my life! She tried to kill me! I only escaped when I got to my car and drove off.

I demand a full refund, free service for the rest of my life, and that you really check your profiles out thoroughly. You should warn people that when they come here to meet a wildcat, that they don't actually end up meeting with a wildcat. And I want ten million dollars for my psychological trauma! I've had to go to therapy, twice. Plus, the cat actually clawed me between my legs, saying she'd probably done all humanity a big favor. I expect to be compensated for that, too!

If you don't, I'll get a gun, meet every woman on your site, and shoot them all until I am totally sure that your site is free of actual cats. Then I'll shoot each member of your staff until you pay me the money I demand.

Signed,

Mr. Dud Knott Understand.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Understand,

Our site involves real live cougars and you're lucky to be alive after what happened. However, we are banning you from the site with no refund and we are pressing charges due to your threats.

Sincerely,

W. Ildanimal
Site Owner



Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where do you get off having me arrested? All I did was call 911 because there was only one register open which is illegal. I demand you have all of the registers open from now on. If you don't, I will call 911 again, the police, the fire department, and report you for having one register open.

Sincerely,

Shopping Queen

[catcul]

Dear Ms. Queen,

Our legal team has told us that having only one register open is perfectly legal. Having only one register open helps keep our costs down since 2 AM is not a popular time to shop. Also, calling 911 because you don't like how we run our store is considered misuse of the 911 system. Misusing the 911 system can cause delays in responses in actual emergencies.

If the district attorney decides to prosecute, we have no say in the matter.

Sincerely,

Heath Barr, Store Manager, Heath Groceries

-----

Dear Lab Zero,

How dare you include these characters? The only women you need to include are young, skinny, scantly clad, white women with big boobs. Most of the women are all covered up so I can't see anything. The only women that are scantly clad are not acceptable. Phoebe is a fat slob. Thorani is a . Yan is a with no arms. What can she do, flop around on the ground like a fish? You shouldn't glorify like Zahra. Don't get me started on Leilani or Nuna or Ajna.

I have a problem with some of the men, too. We don't need to see like Kaldi or Antoine. I'll bet you're going to make Ren into a . You made him look like a woman.

I demand that you fix all of these problems, or me and my friends will come down to your studio and burn that to the ground, so this piece of game doesn't get published.

Sincerely,

David Duke

(Out of game: This is the game I'm talking about. Good news is that it looks like a very good game filled with creativity. Bad news is that it's scheduled for late 2017. )

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Duke,

We appreciate any suggestions for improvement but we don't tolerate threats. Therefore, we have sent your letter to the police.

Sincerely,

Dee Signer
Lab Zero Manager



Dear Library Manager,

You had no right to kick my friends and I out. All we were doing was laughing and having fun conversations with each other. I demand you allow us back in and allow us to be as loud as we want. If you don't, my friends and I will post on Facebook that you force everyone to be quiet.

Sincerely,

Miss Funandloud

[XCashier]

Dear Miss Funandloud,

This is a library. Other people are trying to read, and they can't concentrate with you and your friends yelling, shrieking and racing through the place knocking books off the shelves. Go ahead and make your Facebook post; everyone in the civilized world already knows that you are supposed to be quiet in a library. Everyone except you lot, but I'd hardly call you civilized.

You have been banned from the library, and the security tapes have been saved. If you come back again, you will be arrested.

Sincerely,
Cy Lence, head librarian
Cityville Public Library

*****

Dear Clothing Store manager,

I had a problem with some shirt of yours making me itch. So I brought it back and showed the salesgirl. She had the nerve to scream at me because the shirt had never been washed and was full of body lice.

What's the big deal? I don't bathe or wash my clothes, it's a waste of money, they just get dirty again later. And they're just little old bugs, if they don't bother me, why should they bother anyone else?

I demand a lifetime supply of shirts that don't itch, and for you to retrain that girl, teach her some manners.

Sincerely,
Phil Theey-Slob

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Theey-Slob,

You should know better! Cindy, my poor salesgirl, was traumatized! Forget retraining, she'll need therapy for weeks!

You were in our store for so long that I had to call the Lioness pest control, and the Wonder Women cleaning companies to get rid of everything you spread around. My store was out of commission for an entire day.

So not only are you banned from my store, but you're also going to be sent the bill for both companies, and I'm calling adult protective to see if they'll check up on you, as you are obviously insane.

Signed,

Mr. Tren D,
Owner of Pristine Boutique.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Chocoland Confections,

I went to your business to buy myself a bundle of your chocolate goodness. You people put chocolate on just about anything, and I love it! So I bought ten pounds of your chocolate-covered coffee, your chocolate-coated grapes, chocolated avocado, and my favorite, the chocolate-soaked macadamia nuts. Naturally, I asked for your diet chocolate, which I found out afterwards is made with xylitol and dusted with nutmeg.

Well, having ordered ten pounds of the stuff, much as I love it, I couldn't eat it all. So I put half of what I didn't eat away, and then, because he kept giving me the sad puppy dog eyes, I gave the other half to my dog. He ate it with relish.

Well, I went to work, and when I come home, I find my house a mess and my dog dead! So I used the Internet and found out that chocolate, grapes, avocado, macadamia nuts, xylitol, and nutmeg are all toxic to dogs.

You should have warning labels on your food! I demand a million dollars, free chocolate for life, a new dog, and the cleaning fees to get rid of all my dog's various body fluids!

If you won't give me what I demand, I will come into your store and inject cyanide into all of your chocolate-covered foods. Then we'll see what kind of service you lazy, careless dog-killers give!

Signed,

Mr. Knott My-Responsibility.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. My-Responsibility,

You were responsible for checking to see which foods your dog wasn't able to eat. Therefore, you won't receive anything except a ban from our store.

Sincerely,

C. A. Utious
Owner



Dear Talent Show Head Judge,

Where do you get off not letting me win? All I did was perform while wearing my swimsuit. I demand you give me a 1st place trophy. If you don't, I will do my next performance wearing nothing.

Sincerely,

Miss Soreloser

[XCashier]

Dear Miss Soreloser,

It doesn't matter what you were wearing. You could've performed in a burka, and your off-key, tone-deaf and out-of-sync rendition of "Feelings" would still have made the judges sick.

Enclosed is a business card from a voice teacher who has been known to help even the most hopeless singers. Give him a try before you try out for us again. And for heaven's sake, pick a better song next time!

Sincerely,
Mezza Soprano,
Head Judge,
All-State Talent Show

* * * * *

Dear Mezza Soprano,

What were you thinking, sending that tin-eared, no-talent Miss Soreloser to me? Her vocalization -- I hesitate to call it singing -- shattered every window in my studio! Then she tried to seduce me by stripping down to her underwear! And she's even worse to look at than she is to listen to!

Please do not give my business card to anyone unless they have some chance of getting better. Oh, and you owe me for new windows.

Sincerely,
Count Tertenor,
Singers' Studio

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Tertenor,

I'm very sorry with your experience with Miss Soreloser and I'll try to be more careful in the future. As for the windows, my staff and I have decided to do a fundraiser in order to raise money to replace the window.

Sincerely,

Mezza Soprano
Head Judge



Dear Grocery Store Manager,

Where does your rude front end manager get off telling me to work? Doesn't she realize that I'm 16 and that I'm only scheduled to just show up and do what I want? I demand you tell her to mind her own business and let me do whatever I want. If you don't, I'll tell my parents that I work with mean people and they'll have everyone I want fired and replaced by people that let me do what I want.

Sincerely,

S. P. Oiledrichgirl

[Kristev]

Dear Miss Oiledrichgirl

Where do you get off assuming that a job is playtime? You were hired to do a job, and we don't care how rich your parents are. If they want to buy the store and let you play instead of work, that's their problem. But we are glad we fired you. The poor person who replaced you is only 15, but is glad to work because her family is really poor and her paycheck helps them buy groceries, as does her employee discount. We've got a real treasure with her and I, personally, intend to give her a good raise real soon if she keeps up the great work.

Goodbye and good riddance,

Sincerely,

Mrs. Ann Dustrious,

Owner of Target Wall Store, where we sell everything except Kool-Aid.

Dear Invasive-Chain Burgers,

I was in your restaurant yesterday, and I saw a homeless person who had a drink and was getting a refill from your fountain look at me before he lowered his head and returned to his table with his laptop. He didn't speak to me or try to come near me. But he did look at me, and . . . yuck! I don't think it was a lecherous, salacious, or even interested look, but just because I'm a beautiful person and sporting my brand new leather jacket doesn't give those kind of people the right to look at me, let alone sully my dining experience with their presence. We got rid of them in most places, including several other Invasive-Chain Burgers. You can get rid of them here, too.

So I went to the manager and demanded he get rid of the homeless person here. The homeless person protested to the manager that he was alone in the corner, not bothering anyone, just using the wifi, and had managed to raise enough money to purchase the drink. He also added that it's wrong to throw people out into the pouring rain unless they've done something terrible. But I held firm and demanded that this homeless person be removed, so the manager told him to go. He was unhappy, but packed up his things and left. And I ate in peace.

But the next thing I know, a stylish, rich foreign woman with a bunch of friends calls the homeless person and the manager over to her and invites him to her table, then tells him that, no matter what he orders, lunch is on her. When the manager tries to stop her, she makes a counter-argument with the manager and shows him a wad of cash including several hundreds. Then she tells the homeless person, and her fellow dinner companions that she's going to take them, including the homeless person, to eat at your competitor across town. Then they all leave.

Your manager caves, virtually begs for the rich woman's business, but it's too late, and she takes her entire entourage, including the homeless person, out. So your manager turns on me and tells me that I am the one who'll have to leave because I cost him at least a hundred dollars worth of business.

Of all the nerve! I've never been so mad! I slapped the manager and kicked the mop bucket over on my way out, leaving a watery mess that's spreading like a rumor and a bad idea.

I demand free meals for life, that the manager be fired, and that a notice be put up that homeless people are banned and can't have food bought for them here! They've been pretty much exiled from every other place in town. I want them exiled from here, too! I don't care if it's storming. They have no right to go around looking and smelling so bad!

If you don't meet my demands, I happen to know the mayor personally, as he's a relation of mine, and I will have your particular business shut down and replaced by a more consumer-friendly one who'll do what I want.

Signed,

Miss Cate R. Toomhe.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Miss Toomhe,

That homeless man wasn't causing trouble and you caused the restaurant to lose business. Therefore, you are banned and we will allow the homeless man to return if he chooses.

Sincerely,

F. Astfood
Owner



Dear Supermarket Manager,

Where do you get off hiring defective people? I got checked out by a lady with Asperger's and the bagger was deaf. I demand you fire all defective people and only hire normal people from now on. If you don't, I will take my business to a store that won't hire defective people.

Sincerely,

D. I. Scriminate

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Scriminate,

Where do you get off calling anyone else defective? The girl with Asperger's may have some difficulty relating to people emotionally, but she's the most organized and precise cashier I've got. She's a real treasure once you understand her way of doing things. And my most experienced bagger has been with us for almost a decade. I wouldn't trade them for a dozen of you! So please, feel free to take your business to other stores that don't hire people with challenges, provided you can find one since there are such things as anti-discrimination laws for hiring.

Angrily yours,

Ms. Dootha Rightthing, Supermarket Manager,

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Monopoland Hotel Chain,

I stayed at your Boardwalk Tophat Hotel last night, and let me say that I am absolutely flabbergasted by what I had to put up with. To begin with, the bill was two thousand dollars! How dare you drive me to bankruptcy because I couldn't pay such a grossly inflated bill? And I was only one away from payday. Your manager wouldn't even accept my "Get out of rent free" card!

So what if I went out and mortgaged myself to the hilt to go on a buying spree? I just had to monopolize the yellow side of the street, and I felt it was well worth risking all that I had to trade. Now I've had to sell my house!

And what's this now that I find out I'm being charged by Boardwalk Tophat Hotel extra money because I brought my horse into my room with me, and they claim he made a mess. He couldn't have. He was only in there for twelve hours, and all I did was give him hay and water. Now they claim he relieved himself on the floor, kicked out the window, lies, lies, and nothing but lies!

Come on, take a chance and roll the dice. Let me ride off into the sunset and I promise, we'll own the whole town together!

I demand immunity! Complete and total immunity, from both Boardwalk Tophat and Park Place Tophat! And if I don't get it, I'll make you go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred! After that, I'll have you assessed for street repairs! Then I'll run you out of town on a railroad! And then, after that, I'll come in with an army of horsemen straight from Mongolia, and fill your whole hotel with them!

Or you could just let me ride off into the sunset, free of all charge and granted permanent immunity. I'm sure you'll find that much, much fairer for the both of us.

Signed, Mr. Buck Colt.