The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[wolfie]

Off-topic, but the person to whom Mrs. Highclass refused to sell a computer fits the description of half the programmers out there.

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Highclass,

I only hired you in the first place because someone like you needed the experience of actually working for their living instead of living off other people's money. But the lousy quality of the work you did, and your mistreatment of my customers left them all wanted to cut off your head, and I don't blame them!
Wearing refined clothing is no prerequisite for owning a computer. And since we're in an at-will state, we can fire you for any excuse. And threatening to destroy my office is not very high class of you, is it? You know what'll really be low class? To see you in jail! Show up here again, and I'll have you arrested. I will mail your final check to you.

Sincerely,

Miss Mirabeau Lafayette,

Owner, La Revolution Store Computers, where everyone is equal.

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Dear Campground Hotels,

My family went to your hotels because, while the Ritzy Place, Superb Seven, Holy Day Inn, and Snarlton were all booked solid, so that the only room we could find among the lot of them cost 100 dollars per person, your hotel only cost 5 dollars per night, and not per person, either.

So we went there, and discovered that it was a city of tents. At least we all got our own tents. But you know what we didn't get? Running water, showers, the luxurious mattresses and cotton sheets we're used to, maid service, or room service! We didn't even get a telephone by which to call anyone for room service!

So as we get there, we're expected to read a sheet of rules. My daughter reads them, but my wife, son, and I just don't care. We go into our tents to discover - sleeping bags. Sleeping bags! My wife almost fainted! We find our tents are so small that all of our luggage just won't fit, so we fill up the neighboring tents with it. We hear people, some of whom are in tattered clothing and smell like they haven't bathed in days, and a small band of normal people, screaming because the tents they rented are full of someone else's luggage. Why, it was so traumatic, it drove my wife and I to smoke and drink.
Later, we break out our expensive food.

My daughter comes in and tells us that we need to stop. The rules say that there is to be no drinking of liquor, no smoking because it's a fire hazard, no food in the tents because there's a rat problem, absolutely no sex, no violence, no . . .

We stop her right there and tear apart the list of rules, demanding she quit being such a brat. She starts to cry and my wife slaps her, which silences her. Then the rats come in and help themselves to our expensive food! It's all gone before we can eat a morsel of it!

The next thing we know, someone has gone tattling and your staff are telling us that we've broken the rules and have to go. Go where? Every hotel is full. I offer the staff a 100 dollar bill if it means the others all have to go away so we can enjoy ourselves, but the staff instead tell us we all have to get lost - except for my daughter. She obeyed the rules so she can stay, but my wife, my son, and I all had to sleep out there on the streets!

We looked horrible, we smelled horrible, we had a truly wretched night, and you're completely to blame!

We demand a billion dollars, a free tent of enormous size reserved just for us, with mattresses and 200-thread count cotton sheets, full of food and drink, and absolutely no other people around! We'll use the remaining tents to store our luggage.

If you won't give in to our demands, we'll come back at midnight and smoke and smoke, and burn your tents down!

Signed,

Mr. Will. T. M. Bessile.

OOC: Being homeless, I actually sleep in a tent city that is very much like this, at least as far as the rules and conditions go. The two differences are that nobody has to pay 5 dollars to stay there, mercifully, and that nobody gets their own tent. There's a ramshackle wooden room for women, and one for couples, and a larger open area for men, but you're all under one tent. The rules, including the no eating in the sleeping area because of a rat problem, are exactly as I listed.

[catcul]

Dear Mr. Bessile,

First of all, we are a campground, not a hotel. We let you rent a tent so that you wouldn't have to sleep outside. We also have a shower house with toilets so you wouldn't be out of running water.

We have our rules to ensure the safety of our guests. Having a fire near a tent is a fire hazard. You already know why we don't allow food near the tents. We have a picnic area available for both the fire and the food. The other tents were being used by other guests. That means you cannot use them.

As for your demands, we will not give you anything. If you want to camp with mattresses with high quality sheets, a fridge full of food, and privacy, I would suggest you buying a recreational vehicle from Greene Mountain RV.

Sincerely,

Adam Grizzly, The Happy Tree Campground

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Dear Daniels Bar & Grille,

I came into your bar the other day when I saw her. She had me banned from my favorite store when I caught her playing hooky from high school 4 years ago. She said she was a sophomore in college and worked there.

I caught her drinking alcohol in your bar. I complained to the manager. He checked her ID and said that her passport was legitimate. When I told him that it was obviously fake, he turned to this burly guy and said, "Get this crazy woman out of here.". The next thing I know, I'm outside.

I know what you're up to. Your trying to ignore the law regarding underage drinking so you can turn the next generation into lushes. My husband, Pare A. Noid, will find irrefutable proof of your illegal activities. Your day of reckoning is coming.

Sincerely,

Aryu Anne Noid

[Kristev]

Dear Daniels Bar & Grille,

The social disease that Mr. Noid has suffered from for years has obviously spread to his wife and some members of his family, but we have taken him, her, and them away to get the proper care. Please disregard the previous letter.

Signed, Dr. X, of You'll Never See Them Again Asylum.

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Dear Cable One-upmanship,

I am outraged over your the program that aired on the Kid Stuff That's Not For Kids channel. Specifically, The Joker Wildcard, Bratwoman, & Lex Lucre Show. During this particular day, my ex-wife had been called in to do an extra shift for work, so she called me up and asked me to take the kids and she'd pick them up for school that next morning. She'd be working from two to midnight and felt it unfair to pick the kids up at midnight when they needed their rest. So I agreed to take our kids.
But right after she dropped them off, I was so tired after watching them for a few minutes, I just laid down for a nap and woke at five in the morning to have my ex- yelling at me!

When she came to pick my kids up for school the next morning, (my eldest son opened the door for her), she let me have it verbally. She said that not only were our three kids entirely unsupervised while I was asleep, and that they had also obviously not been given any dinner or even put to bed, but that they were acting out the awful things Joker Wildcard, Bratwoman, and Lex Lucre did! They hit each other, they robbed from each other, they said words like @#$%^ and ^%!@##! One of my sons even started playing a large kitchen knife because he saw Lex Lucre doing so on the show, and if my ex-wife hadn't been there to stop him, my son would have cut himself. He told her he did it because of Lex Lucre.

When I awoke, after she quit yelling at me long enough for me to get my bearings, I wondered why my kids had black eyes, my house was a mess, and why my wallet didn't have any money when I woke up from my nap. But the kids were just sitting there, entertained by the show that follows The Joker Wildcard, Bratwoman, & Lex Lucre Show, The Mesmerizer.

Now she's gone to court to forbid me from ever coming near our kids again, on the pretext that she thinks my "Inattention leaves my children exposed to too many dangers, and obviously no proper nutrition or rest." I've tried to apologize, but she won't back down.

So in my last chance to save my family, I'm writing to you. I demand that you run nothing but The Mesmerizer for twelve hours straight so kids will sit there transfixed and unable to move! I also demand that you get in touch with my ex-wife and smooth things over with her so I can be with my kids again, 'cause I do want them. Just not when I want to sleep. Plus, you can give me a trillion dollars for my troubl . . . I mean, for my kids' education funds. She'll love that. That'll make me a hero in her eyes, instead of a zero.

If you won't, I'll go to your station and replace all the shows you run with twenty-four hours of The Most Boring Show On The Planet.

Signed, Mr. Bigg-Zero.

P. S., can you tell me why my ex-, after our divorce, reclaimed her maiden name, Miss Cam Petent? What was wrong with being Mrs. Bigg-Zero?

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Bigg-Zero,

You and your ex-wife need to handle your own problems. Also, only employees have access to our station and we will never hire you due to your threats.

Sincerely,

C. Able
Manager



Dear Office Manager,

I came to ask about my promotion and you had the nerve to tell me that I didn't get the promotion. You made me look bad because I posted on Facebook that I was getting promoted. I demand you promote me so I don't look stupid on Facebook. If you don't, I will break into the payroll area, copy the pay rates of everyone that works in the building, and email copies to everyone.

Sincerely,

Anita Promotion

[Kristev]

Dear Mrs. Promotion

Promote you? You only just started working for us a week ago! And because of the threats you made, you no longer work here, effective immediately.

Sincerely,

Mr. Brick Walls,

Office Manager.

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Dear Overloaded Pizza,

We all saw on the news how you just suddenly up and fired your entire staff to replace them with robots and drones.

Well, one day, I was out with my friends and saw one of your drones out there delivering a pizza. Anyway, my friends and I were hungry, and really short of cash. So I took out my computerized phone and, being quite a geek and a real genius with technology, used it to reroute the drone so that it delivered the pizza to me.

My friends and I had a wonderful time eating the pizza. We didn't leave anything left but a single piece of crust. And that's when I saw it. That pizza had both tomato sauce and alfredo sauce! I'm seriously allergic to that! How could you let me have a pizza with that stuff all over it? You should have warned me what kind of pizza I was redirecting to my house! Thank goodness I was able to make the drone forget about charging me one thin dime for the pizza before it left the pizza with me, or I'd demand a refund. It even dropped the money it carried at my feet! Am I good or what?

My friends rushed me to the hospital and called my mom, but while I'm in my sickbed being treated, two police officers storm into the room and arrest me for theft! How dare they? I'm sick, suffering a severe allergy attack from that pizza. What's wrong with them, arresting me while I'm ill? Thank goodness I'm only fifteen and won't have to face a real jail.

So I expect you people to fix this. If you won't, I'll redirect all your drones and make them give me free pizza for life, without alfredo sauce, and make them give me all the money your store has. Every day. Forever. And if that doesn't work, I'll make the drones bring me you, and I won't let you go until all charges are dropped. Don't think I can't do it, as soon as the police give me back my computerized phone or let me get parts to create a new one.

Signed,

Mr. Foxy Yetun Ethical.

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Ethical,

Thank you for showing us the bugs in the software. We have shipped all of the robots and drones back to the manufacturer for a full refund, and re-hired all of our employees instead. I guess there's something to be said for good old-fashioned manual labor, after all.

However, we will not submit to your demands. You know you are allergic to tomatoes and Alfredo sauce (dairy allergy?), you should know better than to take your chances on stealing someone's pizza. Or any food, really, since both dairy and tomatoes are very common ingredients in many foods. Be sure to tell the warden about your allergies; I don't imagine you'd want to have a reaction to the jail food.

Sincerely,
Jenna Russ Toppings, owner
Overloaded Pizza

* * * * *

Dear Dress Boutique,

I went into your establishment looking for a beautiful size 000 dress for my lovely figure. Imagine my disgust when some whale on legs waddles over to greet me! I mean, she had to be a size 8! Revolting! So I berate her for her obesity, scold her for eating so much and demand to see a properly slim salesclerk. She walked away, so I grabbed her and slapped her, demanding that she pay attention to me while I was talking to her.

Next thing I know, mall security is dragging me out of the store and into police custody! I'm a law-abiding citizen, how dare they manhandle me like that!

I demand that you pay me a million dollars for the humiliation you caused me, and give that disgusting cow of a salesgirl stomach reduction surgery, or you'll hear from my lawyers!

Sincerely,
Eve L. Bitch

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Bitch,

We hire the people that do the best job and don't care how they look. Not only are your requests denied, you are banned from our store.

Sincerely,

Bea U. Tiful
Owner



Dear Hospice Manager,

Where do you get off keeping my grandmother alive? All she does is lie in her bed and do nothing. I demand you euthanize her at once. If you don't, I will poison her meal the next time I visit.

Sincerely,

G. R. Andmaneedstogo

[Kristev]

Dear Mr. Andmaneedstogo,

Where do you get off treating your grandmother this way?

One of our nurses, Kate, personally heard you threatening your grandmother's life while she was resting on one of our beds. The nurse informed security, and that is why our security guard threw you out and banned you from the premises.

Your grandma doesn't need to go, but you do, and we have posted an armed guard to be at her side at all times, as well as a food taster. We can't save her life, but we will do all we can to make sure your grandmother has a comfortable life and a smooth, painless transition to the other side, when her body decides it is ready. Not when you decide she is ready.

We have also turned your letter over to the police, and your grandmother's lawyer. We expect her to make a quick will change, leaving you out.

Sincerely,

Dr. Paulie Ative, Hospice Manager.

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Dear Australian Outrage Steakhouse,

Or should I say mistake house? I am absolutely livid. Do you know why? Because I went to your place with all my friends and family just last week so we could all have a good meal on a Saturday night. My friends all ate normal meals, except for my brother. He's a diabetic, but explained that from the start and had to have his meal a certain way, which he explained by writing a detailed note that he gave to our waitress, Patience.

When it came my turn to order, I kept ordering different foods. I started with nachos, but when Patience brought the nacho plate, I saw all that cheese and told her I had a dairy allergy, so she agreed to scratch it and get me something else. I chose the battered fish. When she brought the battered fish, my allergies flared up and I suddenly remembered that I'm allergic to eggs, which turned out to be part of the batter. So again, Patience let my meal go and let me order something else.

And all the while, my friends and family all finished their meals and just kept waiting for me. But every time Patience brought me a meal, it turned out to be something I couldn't have! Finally, after who knows how long of this, Patience came up with an idea that I could have - a glass of water. Water?

I was so angry that I grabbed the water and threw it at Patience. She ducked, and the water smashed into a big biker's little old aunt, whom he was taking out for dinner due to his mother being dead and him wanting to share a personal family holiday with what he called his second mother . . .

When I wake up, I'm in the hospital with a bill from your restaurant that's bigger than my hospital bill is! I demand a full refund and a free meal, using only things I am not allergic to! Ban that biker and fire Patience. Plus, I want ten million dollars.

If you won't do what I say, I will come back into your place, sneak into your kitchen, and put pollen in every dish your cooks are making!

Sighed,

Mr. Al Lergen

[XCashier]

Dear Mr. Lergen,

Look, mate, I sympathise about food allergies. I do. I know it's a headache trying to sort out what you can eat at a restaurant. But there's a right way and a wrong way to go about it. Your brother did it the right way, with the note and directions. You, however, completely did it the wrong way, cost us an awful lot of money in food and furniture repair after Tiny got done with you.

I have forwarded copies of my letter to both the police and my attorney. You even try anything, you will be in jail and up to your ears in legal fees. Now, think about what you did and don't be such a yobbo next time.

Truly,
Jill Aroo, manager
Australian Outrage Steakhouse

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Dear Slimdown Workout Center manager,

How can I get my workout in when I'm surrounded by all these disgusting fatties?! The broad next to me must've been at least a size six, the porker! How can I keep my perfect size 000 figure when I'm too grossed out by all these heifers to work out?! So I told the blimp next to me to leave the place, as she was making me sick. Little brat apparently tattled to you, because next thing I know, I'm getting thrown out!

How dare you treat a valued customer this way? I demand compensation; ten million dollars should do nicely.

Sincerely,
Eve L. Bitch

[Kristev]

Dear Miss Bitch,

Clearly you miss the entire point of a workout center. You're trying to lose weight? Well guess what, loud mouth, so are they! A size six who wants to be a size four is exactly where she should be; here.

But how can anyone else get their workout in when you make all those disgusting, harassing comments? and on top of all that, not content merely to throw a fit when you didn't get your way, you also threw your fists and attacked several people until Large Lucy had enough of you hitting her sister Twiggy Twila, rescued Twila by sitting on you, and smothered you.

The customers you attacked are demanding compensation. You are right, ten million dollars should do nicely. Now that we have your name and your address, they'll be able to go after you civil court and divide that ten million equally.

Sincerely,

Miss A. F. Fronted

Manager of Slimdown Workout Center manager.

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Dear Laundromatic,

I went to your business with all my clothes and was putting my clothing into the machines. Nearly all of them, as a matter of fact. I'd have used them all, but a couple of them were already in use before I got here. I was so mad that I couldn't use all the washers that I just had to empty my bladder and used one of your washing machines to do it in.

It was when I was finished that I noticed that, in one of the few washers I wasn't using, someone was washing blood off of money! Money laundering! Naturally, I found the man who was washing his money, and did my patriotic duty by attacking him.
"If you don't quit hitting me, I'm going to call the police!" he said.
"Go ahead and call the police, since laundering money is illegal!" I retorted.
It was while he and I were angering that a woman comes in and screams that whomever has filled most of the washers with Frankenstein soap had failed to read the warning label and had created sud monsters.
I had not! The box of Frankenstein soap clearly states that it is as reactive as bleach, and that if it happens to intermix with bleach, it will create sud monsters! But I am innocent! I couldn't have mixed it with bleach because I didn't put any bleach in my washing machines! I accused that woman of doing it, just to spite me.

In response, she ran away from a sud monster, and while my back was turned, so did the guy who was laundering money.
So I went to the washer where he had washed all the money, took the money, and hid from the sud monsters in the bathroom. One of the things the sud monsters did was show me, without meaning to, how to open a washer and a dryer to get all the coins out.

The others didn't come back after the sud monsters left, but I did. I couldn't remember which washers and dryers I used for my clothes, so I took everything, including all the coins from the broken machines. Then I sold the clothes that weren't mine at a garage sale.
So why did I receive a strongly-worded letter from Miss Rob Bot, manager of Laundromatic, banning me from the store for theft and breaking the machines with too much soap, unleashing sud monsters it took hours to find a way to stop, and for being a public menace. Why, I was so outraged that I hit the roof, with a hammer!

I demand a billion dollars, free laundry service for life, and the right to take anything I want out of the washers and dryers. If you won't, I will create more sud monsters, on purpose, and help them tear your machines apart. Especially since I've learned how to extract the coins from the machines. Then I will go to your home and create sud monsters there, and watch them tear it apart.

Signed,

Mr. Hank Ering Moolah.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Moolah,

You're not getting anything but arrested if you show up her again. Find some other place to do your laundry and stick to one machine for washing and one for drying.

Sincerely,

C. L. Othing
Owner



Dear Office Store Manager,

Where do you get off not hiring me? All I did was light up a cigarette during the interview. I demand you hire me and allow me to smoke all I want. If you don't, I will tell everyone I know that you discriminate against people who smoke.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Smoker

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mrs. Smoker,

Smoking is forbidden in public buildings. If you want a job, learn where you are allowed to smoke.

Sincerely.

P. A. Per
Manager



Dear Dental Manager,

Where do you get off using novocaine? Don't you realize that novocaine is for babies and wimps? I demand you stop using novocaine and tell those who request it to grow up. If you don't, I will break into your office after closing and dump all of your novocaine down the sink.

Sincerely,

Mr. Tough

[Tama]

Dear Mr. Tough,

First off, most of my patients are children, so your retort about it being for babies holds no water. Second, not using it is a fantastic way to lose all of my patients. A lot of people these days can't or won't come into the dentist until it's too late to do anything but use a drill and Novocaine!

Sincerely, K. D. Entist



Dear Radio Station Owner,

Where do Tj and the Wombat get off calling me a monster on live radio?! Just because I've been going around eating people doesn't mean I'm a monster! I played it off (and ate them too), but I am seriously unhappy! Words hurt!

I want an apology and to be allowed to eat as many people as I want without being called names!

Sincerely, Mr. Imperfect Cell

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Cell,

I'm sorry that you were called a monster. However, you need to learn to let it roll off your back.

Sincerely,

R. I. Veroverstone
Owner



Dear High School Principal,

You had no right to suspend me. All I did was flash the freshmen, sophomore, and junior boys and moon the freshmen, sophomore, and junior girls. I demand you reverse the suspension since I did it as part of Senior Prank Day. If you don't, I will show up at graduation wearing nothing.

Sincerely,

Miss Moonflasher