The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Mrs Pasteazakidd,

Child Protection Services are speeding to your house as I type this; you can make your excuses to them and see how far you get.

Yours,

Mr Cudntgivafuk


Dear Music Store,

I am writing to complain about the extremely rude lyrics in the music you sell. My daughter recently bought the Guns n Roses album "Appetite For Destruction" and there was not only the f word in one of the songs, but also various references to drugs and sex. I am disgusted that you would sell such a thing to a fourteen year old girl and I demand that you not only withdraw this album from sale, but also compensate me with at least £100 worth of vouchers.

Yours,

Mrs I. Lovecensorship.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Tipper Gore Lovecensorship:

Since you have written to a music store, we feel it's only appropriate our response be musical in nature. Therefore, without further ado, I give you world-renowned blues artist Calhoun Tubbs:

Hey ya'll! So the kids are listening to Guns N' Roses these days? I loves me some Guns N' Roses. I wrote a song about them. Like to hear it? Here it goes:

Axl Rose sings like a girl, and he looks like one too. Ah-ah-ah-ahhhhh!

Thank you very much! All right. You know, I think it's appalling the words some of these groups are singing in their songs these days. It's so good to see somebody bein' a parent and not letting their kids listen to that garbage. I wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Here it goes:

Your kids are listening to ICP and Slayer, and you don't seem to care. Ah-ah-ah-ahhhh!

Thank you very much! Look here, the music store was debatin' what to do about your letter, and they told me what they decided. I wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Here it goes:

Take your gimme pig ass someplace else, your letter went in the trash. Ah-ah-ah-ahhhhhh!

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Dear Toys 'R Expensive:

We bought your full-size Kute Kiddie Kitchen playset, and our two daughters enjoyed playing with it very much. That is, until they decided to take a length of garden hose and connect it to the gas line in our real kitchen.

Our house is now scattered across four area codes, and all we have left of our two daughters is six teeth, three hairs, some denim fragments and a foot.

Nowhere on the box or in the instructions did it say this should not be attempted. So we are suing you for fifty-five trillion dollars for pain and suffering and mental anguish.

Regards:

Kay Boom

[hinakiba777]

Dear Mrs. Boom,

I am quite interested as to where you were when your daughters were hooking their toy up to the gas line of your house. There have been many law suits brought against our company for accidents that have been caused by a parents own negligence. I will assure you that we always win.

Though I have to ask; Did the gas company put any such warnings on their product. If they did, then we cannot be held at fault. If they didn't, perhaps you should bother them.

Pas T. Buck
Manager of Toys R Expensive

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To the creators of Super Lube;

Your logo and product name are far too similar to Super Glue. In fact, if one had both products next to their bed, with the tubes rolled up, they may confuse one product for the other. Now, as Super Glue has been on the market for years, I am not addressing this problem with them. However, I believe that you may owe me some compensation.

Attached is a doctor's bill for a skin graft. Along with my request for 100, 000 dollars for emotional suffering. If you could just pay both of those to me, I would appreciate it. There is really no need bring this into the courts.

Furthermore, I would request that you change your product packaging and company name. It really is painfully confusing.

Regards;
Daniel Masters-Bates

[shankyknitter]

Dear Mr. Master-Bates,

Why would you keep our product next to the super glue? For that matter sir what is super glue doing amongst your adult toys? As it was not our product that caused your embarrassingly grievous injury we are under no obligation to provide compensation for your short sightedness. Perhaps you ought to separate the tubes in question and invest in glasses.

Sincerely,
Kitty Thatcher
Inventor, Super Lube


Dear Shirtless Skaldess: A Poem,

If my Suit - With Sword could press
I would end,- the ale-soaked knaves
Could I see - Not the stars of skalds
Overly eager - I paid my entry
Bold the brother - bare breasts to see
Gandered I not - those globes of gold
Wargeld demanded - Worthy one am I
Named falsely - not house of night

- A. Norseman

(For those NOT being forced to practice their Skaldic poetic forms this complaint boils down to: Viking walks into what he expects to be a titty bar, there are no titties, he wants reimbursement. the dashes are there because for some reason it won't save the spacing between half lines)

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Norseman,

Sorry but this is not that type of bar. Your reimbursement has been denied.

Sincerely,

Bar Manager


Dear Convenience Store Manager,

I recently came into your store smoking a cigarette and your employee had the nerve to tell me that I couldn't smoke in the store and that I needed to leave. I come into your store all the time and you sell cigarettes so I should have every right to smoke in your store. I want the employee who made me leave the store fired for being rude to me and free cigarettes from now on. I also want a $200 gift card to make up for the humiliation I suffered.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Smoker

[XCashier]

I come into your store all the time and you sell cigarettes so I should have every right to smoke in your store.

Dear Mrs. Smoker,

We also sell condoms and toilet paper in the store. Do you intend to use those inside our store, as well?

Sorry, your request must be denied.

Nosmo King, Manager, Convenience Store

*****

Dear LiquorMart Manager,

I went into your store yesterday to buy some Everclear. When I went up to the counter, the cashier had the nerve to ask to see my ID! How dare he! I've got a grey hair and a tattoo, that's proof that I'm old enough to buy booze! But that idiot wouldn't believe me, no matter how much I yelled and screamed and cussed at him, and he put the bottle under the counter, just to piss me off!

I demand that you fire that idiot and hire someone with enough sense to know that I'm old enough without asking for ID, as it is so inconvenient to carry that little plastic card around with me everywhere I go.

Sincerely,
J. D. Minor

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear J. D. Minor,

I have forwarded your letter to Trading Standards as they are who you should have a beef with, not the cashier. Don't hold your breath tho for an apology.

Yours,

Al Coholic, store manager.


Dear Book Store Manager,

I bought a copy of Northern Lights by Philip Pullman from your store and was disgusted at all the anti religious messages in it. I demand that you remove all books from this author from your store and burn them.

Yours sincerely,

Mrs O. Vereact.

[Magpie]

Dear Mrs Vereact,

If you object to any books which we sell in our stores, you are more than welcome to buy as many copies to burn as you wish. And frankly, if you can sit through something that inane, it might be a better use of your time.

Sincerely,

Hy R. Stenderds

Dear Yarn Store Owner,

I was in your shop yesterday. When I told your clerk that I was interested in the sweater hanging over the door she proceeded to give me a magazine and a pile of yarn instead. This is horrible service. I expect my free sweater to be waiting when I come by tomorrow. And that clerk had better not be employed with you anymore.

Sincerely,

Didnt T. Hink

[hinakiba777]

Mr(s) Hink,

Perhaps you did not look at the sign before you entered my store. "From Me To Ewe; Yarn Emporium" is not a business where you buy sweaters, but where you get the materials and skills to make your own. The sweater you saw in the display is a project one of our clerks completed recently. It is not for sale. It's purpose is to draw attention to our store, and to build interest in the knitting community. If you would like a sweater such as the one in our display, you can either make it for yourself, or buy one at another store.

You will not receive a free on from me. Though I must thank you. There is now a disclaimer in the entryway to the store, just in case someone else makes such a foolish mistake again.

Kaitlin Skein
Owner and Manager of From Me to Ewe; Yarn Emporium

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Dear Gameway;
I recently bought several new PS3 titles from you. As I am a Microsoft fanboy who hates Sony and everything they do, I of course destroyed all these evil PS3 games. I used some as frisbees, others for skeet shooting, and just tossed some on the side of the road.

I made sure to get all these games insured with your store. When I went in yesterday to be reimbursed for my loss, the *@!%$ behind the counter told me that the warranties didn't cover me destroying the games myself. I put a lot of money in on those games, and while I'm proud of how much vile Sony product I destroyed, I need that money to eat.

I demand a full reimbursement for the games, 500 dollars for emotional damage, and a lifetime supply of free games. Also, you must stop carrying Sony and Nintendo anything and only carry Wonderful Wonderful X-box and PC games and products.

My cousin's best friend's uncle is a lawyer!

Lou Sar

[crazylegs]

Dear Mr. Sar,

I suggest that you
a) Learn to read, then
b) read the section on malicious damage within the warranty.

I would however like to thank you that your purchases pushed our sales to the highest in the country and that all employees within the store have won PS3s - thanks!

Regards

Laff ingatyou

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To golden arches management,

I went to one your fine establishments at 10:29 two years ago - and I noted several issues with your service.

Firstly there was a queue - I thought this was fast food, therefore I should NEVER HAVE to WAIT!11!! The peons you employ (probably all ilegally in the country anyhow) should know I'm so terribly important and busy that I should be served first!

Secondly by the time I reached the counter it was 10:31 and I was told that the menu had changed from breakfast. This is quite simply UNACCE[PTABLE!~!!!!~! If I join the back of a queue just before a menu change you should keep teh menu the same until I reach the counter and make my order. I'm on a diet and I should be able to order my 20 hash browns with 8 double sausage and egg muffins (with diet cola of course - it's a diet, duh!).

I also want to complain about the cleanliness of your store. When I got on my hands and knees, and prised the front counter panel off I found there was a HAIR behind the panel - this is quite simply OUTRAGOUS!!!! and I will be complaining on national media about this (my brother makes television cameras so knows how to do this - don't think I wont!!!11!!).

It was utterly disgusting that I was then arrested for damaging your counter - it was only in 286 parts (as per the court documents) so should be reasonably simple for someone with half a braincell to put back together.

You will reimburse me for the time I spent in prison (two years) - mental anquish, (approx $500,000,000 will be acceptable as the lowest limit) and a lifetimes supply of free meals at your restaurants globally (three meals a day though!)

Regards

Mr. B. Erk

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Mr B. Erk,

I feel that we can do without your business, a strain as it may be. You see, the police who came to arrest you all decided to come back later for lunch. They liked our service and restaurant so much, they now all return on a regular basis for our greasy goodness. Since in a way you were the cause of this raise in business, have a free Big Mac on us.

Yours, Mr R McDonald; manager.

~~~

Dear Gamestop Manager,

I wish to complain about the purchase of the Super Street Fighter 4 game I bought from your store. I played it against my girlfriend, and she managed to beat me; not just one, but several times, even tho my character (Ryu) is better than hers (Vega). I demand a refund for the humilation I went thru with this defective game.

Yours, Mr Badloser.

[hinakiba777]

Dear Mr. Badloser,

You are totally right, Ryu is a much better character than Vega. Which makes it even worse that you lost multiple times to your girlfriend. Though this does help me win my bet with my co-workers about whether girls are better at SF4 than guys.

And we will not be refunding you, as it is your gaming skills, and not the game that is defective.

Gal Gamer, Game Stop Asst. Manager

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Dear Farmer's Dairy,
I bought a carton of chocolate milk yesterday. Now the expiration date said that the milk was good until May 25th. However, when I went to pour some today, I found that had gone bad over night. My roommate claims that I needed to put the milk in the fridge, and leaving it on the counter probably caused the milk going bad.

There should be two expiration dates on the milk. 1 for if it's refrigerated, and one for if it is left out. If you do not do this, I will sue you for food poisioning.

Sue R. Mlike

[Lace Neil Singer]

(By the way, that letter I posted; based on a true story. XD Tho it was my brother, not my boyf; and SF2 not SSF4. XD Still was hilarious tho, and I love your answer!)

Dear Mrs Mike,

I am quite concerned about your letter. You see, most of us learn that milk goes off when not put in the fridge in primary school. You seem not to have learned this. Therefore, I think it might be in your best interests if you re-enrolled in primary school so you can learn these lessons all over again; and pay attention this time.

Yours sincerely,

Mr Farmer, manager of Farmer's Dairy.

~~~

Dear Driving School,

I have taken my test thirty times, and still haven't passed. I feel this is all your fault, and that of your instructors. I demand that you sack all your instructors and hire some new ones who are more competant, also give me a free pass on my test as compensation.

Yours,

Ms I Cantdrive.

[shankyknitter]

Dear Ms. Cantdrive

As I'm sure you are aware our instructors have won awards the world over for their effectiveness. It is by no fault of theirs that you can not avoid hitting pedestrians. Spongebob will receive his license sooner than you will if we have anything to say about it.

Sincerely,
Ms. Saf T. First

To whom it may concern:

I was in your store last week and I saw a lovely throw pillow I wanted to buy. But I didn't get paid until the next day, but I wanted it so I took it. On my way out I was rudely assaulted by one of your employees. After patiently explaining the situation (I wanted the pillow but was broke and therefore was taking it as I was the customer and therefore in the right) they still refused to let me take it home! I can not believe this deplorable service! I demand this employee be terminated and my pillow shipped to me at your expense. As well as a $50 gift card for emotional trauma.

-Ms. N. Titled

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear N. Titled:

What the hell, here's your pillow. It will serve you well when your cellmate Helga dons the strap-on and comes at you with that gleam in her eye.

Manager

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Dear Beano:

Your package specifically states your product prevents me from getting gas after eating gas-producing food.

So I took a couple of the capsules before chowing down on a lunch of beans, cabbage, and tacos.

And then, at my interview for a very-good paying job at a local religious organization, I let go with a big wet fart. I am certain this caused me to lose the job. I mean, I was doing so well up to that point. I started out by being friendly and greeting the interviewer with a hearty "God damnit how ya doing!"

This job would've paid me $100,000 a year. Pay that amount yearly for 35 years (the estimated amount of time I would've remained with the organization until I retired) before I contact my lawyer.

I.S. Gassy