Tweet
If you can't tell already, I think I wanna join the Navy. These had me rolling around in tears, especially the DCA and Executive Officer. Officers' IRL job descriptions are somewhat explained in their names, but you can look them up if you don't understand:
All you have to do to become a Surface Warfare or Supply Officer is complete the at-home training curriculum in the following pipelines:
1. Navigator: Tie a brick around your neck and stare out the living room window for hours at a time. Call your father every time a car passes by your house. Take bearings to random streetlights.
2. First Lieutenant: Muster the kids out in the backyard. Tell them to paint the house haze gray. When your 10 year old spills a gallon of paint in the pool, reduce him in age to 9 and cut his allowance.
3. Combat Information Center Officer (CICO): Turn off all the lights in the house and put the A/C on high. Put earmuffs on all the kids and make them sit in front of a blank TV screen for 8 hours at a time. Berate them when they can't figure out a Senior Officer Afloat to get from the kitchen to the downstairs bathroom instantaneously. Resort to several years of intensive psychotherapy.
4. Senior Tactical Officer (STO): Strut around the house ranting to anyone you see in a rare form of ancient Gaelic. When they don't understand, chuckle and tell them that the toaster and the microwave "just aren't talking."
5. FCO: Follow around STO. Randomly nod in agreement.
6. Main Propulsion Assistance (MPA): Pour your lawnmower's gasoline can into the pool. Run around the house three times, then throw 12 rolls of toilet paper into the pool. Finally, pull out the phone book and call every person in neighborhood and tell them "it was only a cup's worth." Resort to heavy drinking.
7. Weapons Officer: Make the whole family shoot the family shotgun into the pool. Roll out the garden hose to the front lawn and spray any suspicious visitors including your neighbors and the mailman. Tell Grandma she can't come in to visit the kids because she's not on the access list.
8. FSO: Drive around the neighborhood kidnapping local children. Dress them up in silly outfits and force them to do all the household chores. When they protest, make them sit in 150 degree bath water and gleefully throw food and plastic cups at them.
9. Electrical Officer: Lay around the house, occasionally get up and walk to the basement to trip random circuit breakers and time how long it takes for STO to find his way there in the dark.
10. Anti Submarine Warfare (ASW) Officer: About once every year, throw a cucumber into the pool. Put on a blindfold and tie your hands behind your back with a small garden hose. Dive in and try to find the cucumber using only your mouth. Have the kids fire green flares at you every ten minutes.
11. Supply Officer: Walk from bedroom to bedroom with magical bottomless cup of coffee in hand. Skillfully bring fellow housemates' misfortunes to the forefront to steer conversation away from the fact that they are forced to use saran wrap as underwear while waiting for the standard 3 week laundry turnaround period to expire.
12. German Exchange Officer: Follow around Supply Officer. Randomly nod in agreement.
13. Damage Control Assistance (DCA): Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt and stuff your pants into your socks. Close every door in the house, then run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
14. CSO: See FCO
15. Operations Officer: Climb to the highest point of the house and jump off headfirst into the driveway. Trust me, its better this way.
16. Executive Officer: Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."
17. Chief Engineer: Crawl into a sleeping bag and tie it off at its end. Have the kids beat you mercilessly with whiffle ball bats while your wife yells at you through a megaphone "Engineering Casualty, Engineering Casualty."
All you have to do to become a Surface Warfare or Supply Officer is complete the at-home training curriculum in the following pipelines:
1. Navigator: Tie a brick around your neck and stare out the living room window for hours at a time. Call your father every time a car passes by your house. Take bearings to random streetlights.
2. First Lieutenant: Muster the kids out in the backyard. Tell them to paint the house haze gray. When your 10 year old spills a gallon of paint in the pool, reduce him in age to 9 and cut his allowance.
3. Combat Information Center Officer (CICO): Turn off all the lights in the house and put the A/C on high. Put earmuffs on all the kids and make them sit in front of a blank TV screen for 8 hours at a time. Berate them when they can't figure out a Senior Officer Afloat to get from the kitchen to the downstairs bathroom instantaneously. Resort to several years of intensive psychotherapy.
4. Senior Tactical Officer (STO): Strut around the house ranting to anyone you see in a rare form of ancient Gaelic. When they don't understand, chuckle and tell them that the toaster and the microwave "just aren't talking."
5. FCO: Follow around STO. Randomly nod in agreement.
6. Main Propulsion Assistance (MPA): Pour your lawnmower's gasoline can into the pool. Run around the house three times, then throw 12 rolls of toilet paper into the pool. Finally, pull out the phone book and call every person in neighborhood and tell them "it was only a cup's worth." Resort to heavy drinking.
7. Weapons Officer: Make the whole family shoot the family shotgun into the pool. Roll out the garden hose to the front lawn and spray any suspicious visitors including your neighbors and the mailman. Tell Grandma she can't come in to visit the kids because she's not on the access list.
8. FSO: Drive around the neighborhood kidnapping local children. Dress them up in silly outfits and force them to do all the household chores. When they protest, make them sit in 150 degree bath water and gleefully throw food and plastic cups at them.
9. Electrical Officer: Lay around the house, occasionally get up and walk to the basement to trip random circuit breakers and time how long it takes for STO to find his way there in the dark.
10. Anti Submarine Warfare (ASW) Officer: About once every year, throw a cucumber into the pool. Put on a blindfold and tie your hands behind your back with a small garden hose. Dive in and try to find the cucumber using only your mouth. Have the kids fire green flares at you every ten minutes.
11. Supply Officer: Walk from bedroom to bedroom with magical bottomless cup of coffee in hand. Skillfully bring fellow housemates' misfortunes to the forefront to steer conversation away from the fact that they are forced to use saran wrap as underwear while waiting for the standard 3 week laundry turnaround period to expire.
12. German Exchange Officer: Follow around Supply Officer. Randomly nod in agreement.
13. Damage Control Assistance (DCA): Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt and stuff your pants into your socks. Close every door in the house, then run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
14. CSO: See FCO
15. Operations Officer: Climb to the highest point of the house and jump off headfirst into the driveway. Trust me, its better this way.
16. Executive Officer: Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."
17. Chief Engineer: Crawl into a sleeping bag and tie it off at its end. Have the kids beat you mercilessly with whiffle ball bats while your wife yells at you through a megaphone "Engineering Casualty, Engineering Casualty."
Comment