Mega family drama with my parents (long)

[MaggieTheCat]

This is probably going to be somewhat long-winded, so bear with me.

First, some background:

I am 28 years old, going to be 29 in a few days. I was born and raised in Wisconsin but I moved to Texas about 4 years ago to be with my then-boyfriend (now my husband.) We have been very happy together ever since and own a house and have 5 cats.

My husband is not very close with his family. He talks to his mom maybe half a dozen to a dozen times a year, usually for birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays. He rarely if ever talks to the rest of his family (a sister and a couple of grandparents) aside from exchanging cards a couple times a year. This is completely contrary to my parents, who insist I talk to them several times a week (sometimes several times a day.) I don't really mind talking to my parents over the phone most of the time so I take the time to talk to them often.

I am having surgery next Friday. It is a bit more complicated/invasive than something like gall bladder removal but nothing super serious like heart surgery. I told my parents, who tend to be somewhat...over-protective, a few weeks ago, and they seemed to take it well. I was supposed to have my last check-up/office visit with the surgeon today, but yesterday it got rescheduled to next Monday.

End background.

Yesterday early evening, my parents called my cell phone. I had it on mute and didn't answer so they left a voice mail. Later in the evening, as I was pulling dinner out of the oven, I heard my husband's cell phone ring. He was in another room so I checked it for him; it was my parents. I didn't answer on his phone, but I did go to get my phone, which was when I discovered they had called me earlier in the day. I checked the voice mail they left me: It was my mom who basically said she was calling to check-up on me and was concerned because she had not heard from me after my doctor's appointment earlier in the day (remember, the doctor's appointment was not scheduled for the next day (today) even before it got rescheduled to next week. Also keep in mind it is an office visit and no tests or procedures are being done.) She demanded I call her back.

I called them back and got no answer but about 2 minutes later they called me back. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hello?
Her: (accusing & demanding) Are you okay!?
Me: Um...yeah, I'm fine.
Her: (exasperated) Well! We were worried! What happened at your doctor's appointment!?
Me: (getting annoyed at her tone) The appointment was supposed to be tomorrow, but got rescheduled to next week.
Her: WELL. Are you mad at me now? What, I've upset the applecart!?
Me: No, it's just...nothing, it's fine, don't worry about it.
Her: WELL! You don't understand what it's like to be a mother and to be worried! You told us your doctor's appointment was today so we've been sitting here concerned for you ALL DAY LONG!
Me: (now getting pissed) I didn't tell you it was today, I told you it was the third.
Her: Well FINE, you're RIGHT and I'm WRONG, AS USUAL! You just don't understand what it's like to be a CONCERNED MOTHER!
This followed by about 10 seconds of sobbing and more guilt-tripping bullshit before she hung up on me.

I was stunned and upset but she has had meltdowns on me before, although not one this bad since I moved to Texas. I decided to utilize the fact that I was 1400 miles away from her and ignore her for the time being.

This afternoon, she called me back. I decided to take her call. Immediately, my dad also picked up on their end so I was talking to both of them at once. I do not have a blow-by-blow of this second conversation since I was sitting in shock for about half of it. The highlights include the following:

My mom claims she "f***ed up" by calling my husband's cell because she had done so once before about a year ago when they were desperately trying to get ahold of me (for reasons neither of us could remember now) and I "witched her out" and told her to never call my husband's cell phone again. I responded that honestly, I do not remember this instance at all. My dad immediately chimed in and said HE remembered it so it had to be true. I told them that I wasn't upset at the fact that they called my husband's cell; I was upset that she immediately started in with a very aggressive, demanding, angry tone with me as soon as I answered the phone. They did not acknowledge at all that this was the case, instead saying, "Well we were just worried about you and asking if you were okay!" And proceeded to tell me that I was the one who had a snippy, nasty tone when I responded to them.

Regarding my husband not answering his cell when they called, they know he is not a very chatty person but they simply cannot understand how someone can have such a distant relationship with his own family. They then asked how they would get in touch with me or find out what's going on if "something happened" and my husband didn't call them or answer his phone when they called. I told them in the case of an emergency, of course one of us would call. But they said that was not good enough, what if they had not heard from either of us for several days and they needed to check in with us? My dad said that I needed to help them come up with a plan in that situation. I asked him what he wanted and he suggested I give them the names and numbers of some of our close personal friends who live near us (not going to happen.) They also said that it is very disturbing to them that my husband won't talk to them more often (he only talks to them maybe once or twice a year, at most) and that they think my husband should have more communication with them and I need to make that happen. Nevermind that every time they have initiated contact with my husband (either by calling his phone directly and him answering, or him answering my phone for me when I'm busy) they have immediately asked for me and not bothered to talk to him. Also that they rarely talk to my siblings' significant others and they certainly don't have "alternate phone numbers" to call to check up on my siblings.

They said I have become too much like my husband because I don't bother ever asking them about anyone else in the family, "just like him" and that is disturbing to them. Nevermind that I DO ask about both of my siblings and my grandparents on occasion. Also nevermind that my mother has not spoken to her own brother in several decades due to some major fallout when they were younger, and she really despises her own mother so when she does talk to her (and to me about her) she gets very upset so I don't bother to ask about her very often.

Then they threw in that "we feel like failures of parents because you left a whole life, a job, an apartment, clothes, jewelry, family to move 1400 miles away and now we haven't seen you in 4 years, we must have been horse shit parents to drive you so far away and make you not want to even visit us." I asked them, incredulously, if they thought it was wrong that I wanted to be with someone I love and they said "No, that's not what we meant, but we must have been really horse shit to drive you so far away." I still do not understand what any of this meant since it was at about that point that I hung up on them.

Like I said there were a lot more details that I am forgetting or missing because I was just so stunned by the whole conversation.

Part of the problem is that they were ganging up on me. Since they were both on the same line, one of them would start to lecture about something and the other would jump in and add to that and leave me little time to respond. Or I was so shocked at what they were saying that I didn't know how to respond. At one point my mom even told my dad, "It's okay, honey, put the phone down for a minute. (to me) See now, your dad is all upset over this."

They have told me multiple times over the last 4 years that they miss me but they are very happy for me that I have my husband and my life and that they are glad I got out of where I was because it wasn't for me and the town/job I was in was basically a dead-end. They have said that they would like to see me more but they understand that the price of airline tickets and/or gas is expensive and it's hard for us to plan a time to visit due to both my and my husband's schedules. Now apparently it is okay for them to turn all that around and use it to guilt-trip me when it is convenient for them. By the way, we also have not been to see my husband's family in the same amount of time so it's not like we are "playing favorites" (intentional or not) with one family over the other.

At this point I am really not sure what to do. I was really upset when I got off the phone with them but the more I think about it, the more juvenile and ridiculous this all seems. I don't even know why we are fighting or why they are so upset. Over me not calling them back immediately when they thought I had a doctor's appointment? My husband suggested I send them an email with all my thoughts so I can get it all out without them interrupting/ganging up on me. I am more inclined to just ignore them for a few days. I really do not want to talk to them. When my mom would have melt-downs when I was still living in Wisconsin, it would plague me for days until things got resolved (usually via me apologizing for whatever she thought I had done wrong, even if I wasn't really in the wrong or hadn't done what she claimed I did.) I do not want to apologize for anything this time, I don't think I did anything wrong. I think she is being very childish and immature.

Anyway...I'm not exactly looking for advice (although if anyone has any, go for it) I mostly just wanted to vent. Thanks for listening.

[mathnerd]

Huge hugs for you. It sounds like your parents are having a hard time letting go, even though you're well past the nest-vacating age. It also sounds like it's a perfect time to set some very clear boundaries.

I've had some of these issues with my parents, though with the health of my children, not my own health. I've had to tell them that I understand that they're worried. Of course they're worried, but they also needed to respect my boundaries as my children's mother. You could say something similar but along the lines of respecting your boundaries as an adult. Remind them that getting over protective and hysterical only serves to push you away. They will argue and deny that they're doing it, but hold your ground. Don't get upset. Remind them again that you understand that they worry, and that's okay, but their behavior recently hasn't been okay.

As for some of their other requests, a nice tidy little phrase might be "I'm sorry, but that won't be possible." Don't attempt to justify or defend your decision, just repeat that phrase ad nauseum until they give up. If they don't give up, you can say something like, "I understand that you're worried, but this conversation is going nowhere. I'd like to continue to talk to you, but if we can't change the subject, I'm going to have to hang up." If they don't change the subject then you say, "Mom, I love you, but I have to go now" and then hang up the phone.

Boundary setting is really hard work. This isn't going to be easy on you, but you can do it!

[Aethian]

To follow up to mathnerd's post..

Boundries

I hear Dave Ramsey suggest this book a lot when situations come up like this between people and their parents. Usually it's over money but I think it would fit in this too...

[IT Grunt]

Ugh... I feel your pain. You have just described in almost intricate detail the exact relationship my wife has with her parents. Over bearing, over protective, and feel they have to have a say in everything she does, including raising our son. She gets the same crap. "We must have been terrible parents since you don't want to spend time with us." No... we don't want to spend time with you because doing so is usually more of "Why aren't you living your life the way we want you to." instead of good quality family time. We do it occasionally, though, on holidays and such, since we do care and want them to enjoy their grandson, but sometimes the bad outweighs the good. She also gets "Why didn't you answer the phone!?" whenever my wife is (God forbid) busy with our son or didn't hear it because she was in another room. Then gets chewed out because she failed to answer the phone.

It sounds like your father does what my father-in-law does, and that's take her mother's side in disputes instead of hearing both sides. Last time she tried to appeal to him for help when her mother was laying into her, he simply said "I don't think there's anything I can do to help you, talk to you later." and hung up on her.

Hang in there, is about all I can say.

[MaggieTheCat]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure the time that I supposedly "witched (my mother) out" for calling my husband was a time when they had called me a couple of times on my phone, I didn't answer for whatever reason, and they were calling him to yell at me for not answering them.

And, yes, my dad blindly follows my mother no matter what the situation. I rather vividly remembering one time when I was quite young, I'd guess around 10 or so. My mother was furious with me for a reason I didn't know or understand at the time (and don't remember now...or possibly never knew.) I grabbed a cordless phone, ran into my bedroom, hid in the corner, and called my dad at work to ask him what to do. He bellowed at me that I should NOT be talking to him and that I needed to talk to my mother and hung up on me, just as my mother came storming into the bedroom screaming at me to get off the phone.

[Kittish]

I fully sympathize with the 'ignore it and maybe it'll go away' outlook, but you know darn well that won't work. If you don't tell your parents the specifics of how they've crossed the line, there's no chance in hades the situation will improve. I'd go with email myself, that way you get your full say in without being interrupted, ganged up on, guilt tripped or otherwise overridden. Do not give into the temptation to try to 'explain what you meant' when your parents start in on 'all the horrid things you said'.

That said, telling them what they've done to annoy you isn't hugely likely to produce results, except possibly for resounding silence (which is still a win, right?) or more of the same that you already get, but then I tend a bit toward cynicism and pessimism.

and I hope the surgery goes well and your recovery is as painless as possible.

[Marmalady]

Maggie... I don't know you, obviously, or your parents, but you mention previous 'meltdowns' that your mother has had. Is this a pattern in other areas of her life, or only where you (or you and your siblings) are concerned?

Bearing in mind that it's you who is facing the surgery, your mother seems to think that her 'concern' over it is far worse than what you have to deal with. It seems that not only is she making a drama out of a crisis, but casting herself as the central character.

As I say, I don't know either of you and I could well be wrong, but this is the impression I get from what you have said.

[Kheldarson]

Sorry you've got crazy parents

The only advice I have is maybe don't tell them about things that will "concern" them at this point. Have an appointment or minor surgery*? Tell them afterwards. Big interview? After.

That way, you can still tell them, without them getting hung up before the fact.

*Sidenote: Of course, if you're having something major, do tell them. Surprising them with you being in a coma or something would be bad.

[KhirasHY]

*Sidenote: Of course, if you're having something major, do tell them. Surprising them with you being in a coma or something would be bad.

The phrasing there just makes me laugh I know what you mean, but just think of it...

"I've been in a coma for 3 years."
"What!? Why didn't you call us!?"

[MaggieTheCat]

I fully sympathize with the 'ignore it and maybe it'll go away' outlook, but you know darn well that won't work.

I don't expect it to go away, but I also don't have time to deal with them right now. We are going to a convention this weekend and I have been trying to get ready for it. Emailing them is probably what is going to happen, because I don't have time to have a 3 hour phone conversation with them (which is AT LEAST how long it would take to has out over the phone.)

Maggie... I don't know you, obviously, or your parents, but you mention previous 'meltdowns' that your mother has had. Is this a pattern in other areas of her life, or only where you (or you and your siblings) are concerned?

It happens almost exclusively with me. She used to occasionally have meltdowns with my brother but since he has gotten married and moved to New York, she doesn't have the chance to as easily (much how she hadn't had one around me since I moved to Texas.) As I said, they don't demand alternate phone numbers for my siblings and don't harass my brothers' significant others like they suggested for my husband. I am the "baby girl" (only daughter, youngest of three children) so that is their "excuse" for "being concerned" about me.

The only advice I have is maybe don't tell them about things that will "concern" them at this point. Have an appointment or minor surgery*? Tell them afterwards. Big interview? After.

I ALMOST didn't tell them about the surgery beforehand for this exact reason. I went back and forth with myself several times debating about it. In the end I decided to tell them because I thought they had grown up a bit since I left Wisconsin 4 years ago; as I'd said, my mom has not had a meltdown on me since then and generally she has been very good about not freaking out/getting over protective about stuff. Guess I was wrong in this case.

Thanks for the well-wishes, everyone.

[TheSHAD0W]

There's a saying, I think it originates from Heinlein, which goes, "if you're arguing with a loved one, and discover you're logically and absolutely correct - apologize immediately."

"I'm sorry I gave you the wrong date; I didn't realize I did, so I didn't realize you'd be worried."

[Gizmo]

I'd have no truck with this - I get this guilt trip from a certain family member and I tell her to back down, I have my own life and will live it how I wish.

For your situation but not mine : "your failing is turning into an utter shrieking cow now, give me a break and let me live MY life" about the 'we've failed as parents' thing. That may not go over very well though.

As for your husband not wanting to talk to them - well, tough. I barely speak to husband's parents because of their controlling attitude.

I agree with Mathnerd I guess - especially post #2's third paragraph.

I'd honestly say to them "Husband will call you if there is anything wrong from the medical procedures. No news is good news. I'll talk to you once I'm back home and recovered enough."

[Jarissa]

My parents were neither as "protective" (controlling!) nor as intimately involved in my life as what you're describing, Maggie. In fact I would have said that we had fairly healthy boundaries, even though my mom would ideally prefer a closer relationship than we actually had. I chatted with them at least once a month, and we tried to visit each other every year or two.

Then, in January of 2012, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Once I had enough information to speak usefully on the topic, I called and let my parents know what was going on, what would be happening to me, and what I needed from them -- which was pretty much "support in the form of not expecting much interaction from me". I've been an introvert for four decades, I anticipated the strain of chemo and so forth to drive me further into asocial tendencies, conserving my strength for what I had to do in my own household.

In the space of ten minutes, my parents turned into total strangers.

Everything about my medical situation turned into THEIR needs: need to be kept fully informed, need to share my medical information and telephone number to distant relatives, need for me to protect my younger brother's emotional state, need to be given some method of contributing to my cancer recovery effort.

A year later, I talk to my parents every few months. I still love them. I know they love me. I also know they are not emotionally capable of facing events in my life over which they have no control.

It sounds like your parents maybe are so fixated on knowing what's going on in your life because they feel like knowing every detail -- being inside of every decision point -- gives them a chance to keep you from going down an unwise path? The problem is that they are infantilizing you. They dump the burden of their well-being on you. They are not letting you live independently, as an adult does.

My questions for them would be this:
Do they love you enough to let you stop reporting your day to them like a nine-year-old child at the end of school?
Do they love you enough to treat you with the dignity they were themselves due at twenty-nine years of age?
Do they think they were good parents to you? (Yes. Then why don't they trust you to live a few days at a time without their supervision?)

[Sapphire Silk]

Then they threw in that "we feel like failures of parents because you left a whole life, a job, an apartment, clothes, jewelry, family to move 1400 miles away and now we haven't seen you in 4 years, we must have been horse shit parents to drive you so far away and make you not want to even visit us."

This statement is the core of the whole problem. You're not accessible or controllable, and their only response to this fact is to impose emotional blackmail. They haven't adjusted to the fact you are married, and that your husband is now your closest next of kin. They miss the fact they were the center of your life when things went wrong. Now he is, and they must wait to be informed on YOUR schedule, not theirs.

It's childish and unrealistic. But it's how they feel, and they are not likely to change. Getting upset with them will not make them see the light on this.

All you can do is set boundaries. But it probably won't work.

So your best plan in the future is not to inform them at all unless the illness is critical or until things are over. They won't like it, but it'll concentrate the grief rather than drag it out.

There's a saying, I think it originates from Heinlein, which goes, "if you're arguing with a loved one, and discover you're logically and absolutely correct - apologize immediately."

"I'm sorry I gave you the wrong date; I didn't realize I did, so I didn't realize you'd be worried."

"In a family argument, if it turns out you are right, apologize at once!"

The point is it doesn't matter who is right or wrong. It matters that family cohesion is maintained. Unfortunately, most families today are dysfunctional. You basically have to make a decision on how much of that dysfunction you can take.

[wolfie]

Emailing them is probably what is going to happen, because I don't have time to have a 3 hour phone conversation with them (which is AT LEAST how long it would take to has out over the phone.)

From your original post, it appears you use a cellphone as your primary link. Is this the case? If not, do you have a cordless phone for your landline? If either of these is true, with a bit of preparation you can deal with your parents over the phone without having a 3 hour conversation.

First, figure out what maximum call length you'd be comfortable with. Next, make sure the phone (cell or cordless) is partially discharged, so this is the most "talk time" available on the battery. At the beginning of the call, let your parents know that your battery is running low. When it runs dry, call's over - they can't fault you for not continuing the call past what your phone is capable of doing.