First time seriously pissed at Hubby (rant)

[DeltaSierra]

This is the only forum that my husband doesn't read, and as such the only real place that I can vent without worrying about him coming across it. Its long and ranty and I apologize, but I want to get this off my chest so I don't bite his head off again.

I love the man beyond mesure. We're still "newlyweds," and to be honest, aside from a few disagreements and whatnot we've never truly had a fight and I've never been seriously angry with him. Until tonight that is.

We had my 15 year old stepson with us for the afternoon/evening and we all decided that we wanted to get some pizza delivery and sit back and watch movies together (Fast & Furious marathon! )

We had 3 extra large pizzas delivered and got to chowing with enjoyment. I'm a VERY slow eater, so I just took two slices and that was good enough for me, as I figured I'd have another slice or two later in the evening. Hubby had at least 6 or 7 slices, and stepson ate 8, leaving a full pie plus a slice left over. When it came time for hubby to drive stepson back to his Mom's house, I opted to stay home and take a shower. I had figured I'd shower, dress for bed, then sit back and watch some of my DVR'ed shows with another piece or 2 of pizza, as I was still hungry. Imagine my surprise when I went into the kitchen after my shower and discovered taht there was no pizza to be seen. Not a single slice. Hubby returned from dropping stepson off and I asked where the pizza was. He said he gave it all to stepson to eat tomorrow!!! I asked him why on Earth he'd do that - I could see giving him a few slices to take home, but every last one???? He said he "thought" I had eaten my fill, so there was no reason why stepson couldn't take it all with him. I angrily informed him that I had eaten only TWO slices, and I was hungry!!!

I was so upset with him - not only was I hungry, but now I had to fix something else to eat (I made some hard boiled eggs - I was too angry to do much else.)

I know it seems like a silly thing, but damnit, I was looking forward to having some more pizza, especially when there was so freaking much left over! We only do this once every 5 or 6 months, so this was a treat!!!

Now I'm still too upset to go to sleep. Hubby's at work, thankfully, (works 3rd shift) or he'd be sleeping on the couch tonight.

<end rant>

[dendawg]

Hubby definitely should have asked if you wanted more pizza. That said, this is a relatively minor issue, IMHO. Your marriage will undoubtedly face bigger challenges.

[Bright_Star]

Why didn't you just tell him to save you some for later? How could he possibly know that you were going to want a slice or two later? AND at the same time he should have asked you if it was ok with you to give the left over pizza to your step-son.
The both of you should have spoken up instead of you getting mad. Doesn't help anything. & yeah, for what it's worth, I'd have been pretty pissed too...lol.

[Seshat]

Note 1: He failed telepathy class.

Note 2: So did you.


It's FAR more important for you two to both use this as a lesson in communication, than for either of you to be 'right' or to assign 'blame'.
My qualifications for saying this: 23 years of marriage so far, still going strong.

[Miss Fatale]

When we first started living together, my husband and I had problems with food, too. Like you, I'm a slow eater. He'd eat my food, thinking that I didn't want it or that it was fair game.

He came from a background where all food was up for grabs, and I came from a background where each person had their own share. Our own way of doing things seemed so obvious that we never thought we'd have to discuss it, you know?

So after a few tearful scenes, we worked out this compromise: everything is split evenly or we each get our own thing that's for us specifically.

For example, if we get ice cream, we each get our own pint. If we ordered a pizza, we'd each get half.

Now, your situation is slightly different because there's a kid involved. But in this instance, 3 pizzas, 3 people, each person gets their own pizza. When it's gone, it's gone.

This seems like a silly issue, but it's not. Food and food sharing are an important part of identity and forming a family.

Once you've calmed down, sit down and discuss with him how you want to handle sharing food.

Good luck!

[Jester]

Note 1: He failed telepathy class.

Note 2: So did you.


It's FAR more important for you two to both use this as a lesson in communication, than for either of you to be 'right' or to assign 'blame'.

Read this again. And again. And again. And keep reading it until the utter truth of what Seshat is saying sinks in. For both of you.

[jedimaster91]

We had a similar issue with my dad and my brother growing up. They'd always eat the doggie bags before the original owner could eat them. So Mama Jedi instituted the 24 hr rule. Only the original owner can eat the doggie bag for the first 24 hrs. After that, it's fair game so that it doesn't rot in the back of the fridge. Might be worth doing something similar at your house. Next time you get pizza, set aside a couple slices for later and tell everyone else no touchy.

Your hubs probably thought he was doing something nice for your stepson, which is a good thing. If what to do with leftovers hasn't been discussed between the two of you, he wouldn't know beforehand what he did would upset you. In your place, I would be irritated as well. But as others have said, chalk it up to a communication thing, talk about what to do in the future, and move on. Marriage is a lot of discussion and compromise. If something's important to you, it should be important to him and vice versa.

[DeltaSierra]

Why didn't you just tell him to save you some for later? How could he possibly know that you were going to want a slice or two later? AND at the same time he should have asked you if it was ok with you to give the left over pizza to your step-son.
The both of you should have spoken up instead of you getting mad. Doesn't help anything. & yeah, for what it's worth, I'd have been pretty pissed too...lol.

If I had known he was planning to give everything to Stepson I would have - he normally would let Stepson take some home, but he's never let him take everything of a leftover, and I was in the shower when they left, so I had no idea what had transpired until I got out. I kind of assumed (yeah my telepathy skills are lacking) that hubby would have said "I'm going to give Stepson all the leftover pizza, unless you want to keep a couple slices for yourself." I was actually very surprised - hubby LOVES leftover pizza as much as I do, and in the past he's always taken some to work with him, which was another reason I was shocked.

I realize I'm very lucky if this is as bad as things get in my marriage. I love this man beyond measure, he just annoyed me. He woke me up this morning when he came home from work with kisses and apologies. I think we both need to work on communication. Myself to voice what I want, and him to voice his actions to see if there is anything I would want to do.

Thanks for allowing me to vent though - it was good to just get it off my chest instead of sitting and stewing.

[auntiem]

My SO "Hellen Kellers" * which I hate. I joked that he would get a fork in the back of the hand a few times until I very nearly did it. Then I went to dinner with his folks and they had just be given those extend-a forks by some friends because they HK so much. To them it is a harmless act, to me extremely rude.
One of the many things that should be discussed before marriage (finances, religion, politics and sports) I think food issues should be discussed, but rarely are.

* sorry if that term offends, but that is what my family calls it

Bonus points to hubby that he figured out he had done wrong and appologized.

[Dasota]

I'm confused as to what "Hellen Kellers" is auntiem, can you explain?

Food issues should ALWAYS be something that gets brought up in relationships. I came from a fairly poor backround, and as such am very much a "mine" kinda person with food. I will admit to being a bit short sighted and selfish with food too. That big hunk of meat leftovers was going to be remade into something nifty and different for dinner? Oops, please tell me ahead of time or I will think leftovers are fair game once the next day has begun. I also can't eat fast or I will get sick, nor can I eat my meal and get up and move right away, this is a big thing to me as it's happened in the past with an ex who was very much into eating and leaving right away when going out to eat, which I understand, but I simply can't or I will get sick and lose my lunch (or dinner or whatever)

Just sit down with him and let him know you'd like a heads up next time leftovers are being divided up or asked if him or stepson can have something that might be *your* food first. (For instance, I will share my chocolate syrup if asked, but I can't drink straight milk as I don't like the taste at all but need the calcium and might say no if I'm low.)

[Kheldarson]

I'm confused as to what "Hellen Kellers" is auntiem, can you explain?

Auntiem can correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it's a reference to the fact that Helen Keller would pull food off anyone's plate during dinner before she had her breakthrough.

[Barracuda]

Note 1: He failed telepathy class.

Note 2: So did you.


It's FAR more important for you two to both use this as a lesson in communication, than for either of you to be 'right' or to assign 'blame'.
My qualifications for saying this: 23 years of marriage so far, still going strong.

This. Absolutely this. And understand that when something you don't like happens, your husband is not a child or a dog; and you cannot punish him as though he were. All that does is build resentment, and quite frankly, you were as much at fault for assuming he would somehow know you were still hungry as he was not to ask if you wanted more before he gave away the pizza. We (men) cannot read your minds and speaking for myself, we get quite angry when we are penalized for that.

[Ophbalance]

My wife and I also had very different approaches to food based on family history. My family only hit a grocery store every two weeks. And all of us had very different "snacks". Once they were gone, they were gone until the next trip. Two of us were also fairly picky eaters.... I've got a thing with textures and spice.

Her family is very different. Everyone eat pretty much anything. Leftovers were a fact of life and required eating. They also ate out much more frequently than my family.

Our food fights didn't materialize until after we had kids. It just drives me up the wall when I go to hit up a snack, and come to find out the kids have cleared it out. Or, worse, left an open container of whatever around so the dogs kill it off. She has never really seen my point of view on it, just that I shouldn't be angry at the kids for the simple act of eating.

Point of the story is... communicate. We would have had fewer issues if we had talked about things like this before it became an argument.

[taxguykarl]

Note 1: He failed telepathy class.

Note 2: So did you.

Spot on. From now on state such desires ahead of time. Yes that goes for Mr. DS as well.

Make this your new mantra:

Hinting is not communication.

[Automan Empire]

+1 on telepathy /=/ communication. This is a major difference in communication style between men and women.

I'd also suggest some introspection about the relationship with your stepson. Is there any underlying resentment or jealousy in you- honest? Step-parenting a teen is one of the most thankless and unrewarding roles in life. Remember you are one of the adults in this situation and the teen did NOT get any choice in the matter. The reward, if any, may be a decade off from now.

Earlier this year, the angry young teen I helped step-parent for several years till he moved out contacted me. He's in his mid-20s now and thanked me in detail for all I did to help his family as he was growing up. It was my best (only) Father's day, ever!

Also as mentioned, different people and families have different rituals about food sharing. That is different, not right/wrong/necessarily better. It behooves a couple to understand each others' background in this, and come up with your own family "tradition" that suits both of you.

I've got a volcano-like metabolism, one of those #$%^ that eats a full dinner plus everything my GF doesn't finish and still not gain weight. This works out well in my current relationship, she even orders a full rack of ribs for example, knowing I'll want to nom some. One woman I dated briefly years ago, I was eyeing her unfinished plate, coveting some uneaten morsel, and she went full Smeagle on me! The precious is MIIINNNEEEEEE!