Can I start this week over?

[protege]

Today was not a good day. Why, you ask?

Around 10AM, I get a call at work. It's my mother, who tells me that sometime during the day yesterday (Sunday), my dad packed up all of his things, and had moved over to his mother's house. My grandmother died in November--her house is vacant. It took a *lot* of persuasion for him to come home. Granted, my mother isn't the easiest person to live with, but still. I know dad's had a rough couple of months. His mom died, he's been having health issues again, had a pacemaker put in, etc. They've been married over 40 years, and to see it possibly ending...really sucks

[MoonCat]

Aww, that's not good. My sympathies. I hope they get things worked out. Any chance of couples counseling?

[protege]

My mother has been getting counseling, but my dad hasn't been going with her. He's of the type that thinks mental issues are a simple case of "getting over it." His family never really talked about the "bad" things--those things usually get ignored. If nobody talks about them, they never happened. As a result, some of this crap has been going on for years, and has finally blown over.

Mom has been trying to work on her control problems. For years, everything had to be done a certain way. For example, in the driveway, the cars always had to be in the "correct" order--dad's car in the garage, her SUV outside (next in line) with my brother's truck behind her. If the "order" is disrupted, she gets upset. I never saw what the big deal was over moving cars around. Hell, at my house, if I want to take the MG out, I have to shuffle things around. Anyway, one afternoon, the truck was in the street, so I pulled in the driveway to pick up some things. Imagine my surprise when I'm about to leave, and she hits the *roof* about "how dare [I] park in the driveway..." My reaction? "Would you rather I park on the grass?

Dad's not exactly willing to talk about how he feels when situations like that affect him. He's been keeping it all in for 40 years, and it wouldn't surprise me if the cocktail of medications he's on now...are causing all of this to surface. He holds it all in, because that's how his family (a rant in itself) was. They never talked about things...so when something is bothering him, it eventually explodes.

As of now, I have no idea what will happen with my parents. All I know is, that i'm tired of dealing with it.

[protege]

Things with my parents aren't looking good

Dad has moved into Grandma's house again. I don't know what went on last weekend, but he packed up a few things, and is now living over there. I don't now when (or if) he's coming home. Mom misses him, and their house isn't the same. It's too quiet

I'm trying to deal with this the best I can. But, having to deal with that while at work? Not good. They've both called me at work, and it tends to fuck up my entire day

[MoonCat]

Are they calling you at work to rant about each other? If that's what's happening, you may want to tell them that they have to settle this between each other and not drag you into the middle of it. Their marriage is about THEM; they need to seek counseling. You are too close to the situation, you are emotionally connected to both of them, and therefore you are not capable of acting as their counselor.

I speak from experience. Parents need to get their sh*t together without laying a guilt trip or dumping their baggage on their kids.

[CorneliaMarieRocks]

damn dude, that sucks, as I am the child of divorced parents myself I have an idea of what you're going through.

I have to agree with Mooncat, they don't need to be making you play 'monkey in the middle' as it were.

Like I said, my folks divorced over 10+ years ago & in MY case it was a fucking blessing..I lived with my dad for 10 yrs after that until I couldn't deal with his temper anymore & I moved to GA with my mom & stepdad

Will keep you in my thoughts

[protege]

Thanks, I appreciate that.

So far, they haven't been ranting to me about it when I'm at work. No, my mother has called--both when this crap started, and again when dad left last week, simply to tell me what was going on. Dad called the office to ask when we were meeting for dinner last night. Neither one has asked what's going on with the other, but the updates from my mother kinda killed my mood.

[protege]

Quick update for you all. I have to accept that my dad is now gone. Not "deceased" but "not living at Grandma's." In fact I have no idea where he is--nobody does. We don't know if he's staying with his younger sister (my aunt) or friends that live down that way. It's been nearly 3 weeks, and other than a couple of random Facebook comments, he's off the grid.

What I'm having a hard time with, is that I'm the only one of his kids that has made any attempt at spending time with him. We've gone to various games--Penn State, the Steelers, Penguins. He usually goes to the car shows with me, and enjoys grilling and drinking beer at British Car Day. When he was laid up with serious health problems over the past couple of years, I was the one at the hospital...the one bringing books and magazines over so he'd have something to do.

So to have him completely disappear, is pretty painful

[protege]

It's been a rough month. Dad's still gone...and I haven't heard from him in over a month. I was fine when I got home tonight. But then I thought I'd clean up my office, and found some of the photos from last summer's car show. That had me

[RootedPhoenix]

*squishy hugs you*

I wish I had some advice. I have hugs, though.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

Damn. What. a. grade-A mess!

I barely remember my parents living together (Dad moved out when I was not quite 6 and my brother was 4 months old) so what I do recall is mostly either going to visit Dad and his then girlfriend at their apartment, then later the house they had right outside of town (they later separated after 5 years together) or Dad moving in for a couple of days and then leaving again (my parents tried a couple of times to reconcile but it never worked.)

Doesn't matter if you're a minor child or an adult child . . . it's still a rough thing to go through. I think in some ways it's almost like a death b/c what once was "normal" is gone and won't be back that way again.

Your dad sounds like a lot of men of his generation: they don't talk about the bad stuff and think that each individual can choose to be affected by things around them or not.

Good case in point was when I was talking w/my stepmom last Christmas and she shared with me about her elder brother, who has been diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic. Their dad will not accept the fact at all that he's mentally ill and needs help badly (Chong needs medication badly but refuses and then goes through spells where he's been violent/belligerent/threatening and has had involuntary commitments before - strange stuff and a long tale but I digress)

Grandaddy thinks that Chong can choose to be okay. So yeah, I think it's mostly how people are raised to think.

But I'm suspecting that your dad going off the grid is what he needs to do for the time being to regroup and try to deal with things on his own so he can be in a better place to be able to face you and your brothers again. He's hurting more than anyone realizes and needs some space.

There's not much you can do except for what you're trying to do and that's listen to both your parents vent and be objective as you can. It's hard being in the middle - I've been there as far back as I can recall and you learn over time to just keep your mouth closed and listen.

Must be why I'm generally quiet . . . but either way, what both parents are going through sounds to me like it's the stages of grief. It takes time but things will be better. Maybe not like they were but at least better than they are right now.

:hugs:

[protege]

Your dad sounds like a lot of men of his generation: they don't talk about the bad stuff and think that each individual can choose to be affected by things around them or not.

Some of it is because of his age. Dad turns 70 next month. But, his family is pretty fucked up to begin with. There are plenty of family secrets. For example, I know that the man I knew as "Grandpa" wasn't his real dad. My grandmother met him when my dad was about 6. I cannot bash my grandfather--he was a decent man. But, that was one of those things that nobody ever talked about. Nobody knows what happened to my dad's real dad. We don't know if he was killed during WWII, or just "disappeared." Things like that are typical--if it was bad, they never talked about it. In their minds, it never happened.

As if that wasn't enough, my dad's sister (my aunt), also decided to throw her marriage away. Again, my uncle was a good guy. Unfortunately, he had some serious health problems, including a particularly nasty form of cancer, that ate up most of their money. So she cheated on him, with her current husband. She eventually divorced her first husband, married this prick, simply because he has money.

Whatever issues my dad has with my mother, is it really necessary to destroy any relationships with your children and friends? He's cut himself off from everyone, even long-term friends.

Karma has been a bitch. Apparently, he's developed a cardiac condition from the "stress" of living alone, not having to pay bills (other than food--my aunt picks up the bills for everything else), and other bullshit. "Stress" was the reason he cited for leaving my mom. Isn't that interesting?

[protege]

It's official, my parents are getting a divorce

When I went down to my mom's to drop off the laundry, she had me read the letter. Even after reading it several times, I still can't believe it's happening. As an added bonus, the bastard apparently gave himself a birthday present--the letter is dated 5/15...the day before his 70th birthday. Fucker.

But, it doesn't surprise me. None of the details concerning his mom's estate have been settled. Nor has the house been sold. He's trying to bleed my mom dry, so she'll cave and sign the papers. Mom's attorney has told her not to worry--this is a common tactic, and my dad is a greedy asshole.

[morgana]

Damn, dude. I'm so sorry.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

It's official, my parents are getting a divorce

When I went down to my mom's to drop off the laundry, she had me read the letter. Even after reading it several times, I still can't believe it's happening. As an added bonus, the bastard apparently gave himself a birthday present--the letter is dated 5/15...the day before his 70th birthday. Fucker.

But, it doesn't surprise me. None of the details concerning his mom's estate have been settled. Nor has the house been sold. He's trying to bleed my mom dry, so she'll cave and sign the papers. Mom's attorney has told her not to worry--this is a common tactic, and my dad is a greedy asshole.

Your mom sounds like she's has good legal representation - and he's giving her good advice as well.

She'd do well to not sign anything and have everything directed toward her attorney of record on this. It's bad enough throwing away 40 years but to tear each other apart IMHO is, sadly, typical.

Luckily when my parents divorced, it was pretty simple (the crap happened after the divorce.) They had no property together (the house they were purchasing when they separated Mom turned back in to the family she was buying it from and moved us into a rental home in 1978) and IIRC her vehicles were in her name.

Not that it stopped Dad from stepping in after her car accident in 1982 (after their divorce had been signed off on) and selling off her 1969 Camaro coupe and her 1973 Lincoln Continental after he'd wrecked it (her attorney fixed him later by having Dad sign over the title to his truck or criminal charges would be filed b/c she wasn't going to be left w/2 kids and an elderly Mom to take care of and no vehicle.)

Sucks that your Dad has turned completely around and become someone you loathe. Especially after all the things you've done together and shared. But even though things are getting ugly now, it'll eventually work itself out for the best.

In the meantime, we're here anytime you need to unload and don't give up on your Dad. Maybe he'll turn around and be decent toward you again (and if he does, still don't let your guard down.)