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**Bright_Star** · 07-18-2015, 02:13 AM

You have to gather yourself up & move on. Easier said than done. I know how u feel. I talk to my mother every so often. Any more than that & the drama starts & I long ago got tired of the bullshit & turned my back on that mess. Made me a better person.

**EricKei** · 07-18-2015, 02:30 AM

Quoth protege View Post

What the fuck did I ever do to deserve this?

Absolutely nothing whatsoever. What happened was between the two of them, and them alone.

He's just taking his frustration out on an easy target, because you're there. I'm with Bright_Star -- get yourself out of this hostile situation if at all possible, for the sake of your own sanity/safety. If that means physically distancing yourself from the both of them and giving them *both* the silent treatment for a while, then that may be something to consider.

**csquared** · 07-18-2015, 02:31 AM

Quoth protege View Post

What the fuck did I ever do to deserve this?

First off, this thinking has to go. Get it out of your head. You did nothing wrong and there is nothing that you could have done to change this.

Loser? I don't think so. From what I read of your posts, you seem to be doing quite well for yourself. And these mental issues you mentioned... That just means that you are succeeding with one hand tied behind your back.

From where I stand, it looks like you father is jealous of you and is trying to pull you down to his level. Don't let it happen.

Sorry for the rant, but I hate it when parents try to blame their children for their short comings.

**MoonCat** · 07-18-2015, 05:44 AM

What they said ^

A thing to keep in mind: The need to separate has been building up in your parents' lives for some time. It didn't happen overnight, and it had nothing to do with you. Their marriage, and whether they can keep it going or not, is ALL about them. Never you.

My parents split up in 1977, just before I turned 20. They did not find a way to get along until much, much later, and in the meantime I and my siblings had to put up with a lot of negativity from both of them. If I could go back in time, I would seek counseling so that I could have learned to deal with this in a healthy way. And I definitely would have shut them down whenever they started to bitch about the other parent, because no child (even an older one) should have to hear that.

If your mom or dad won't get counseling themselves, I do suggest that you might want to consider it, simply as a way to vent and possibly get some coping tips. But please do feel free to vent here as much as you want, you know we'll listen!

**Kittish** · 07-18-2015, 09:59 AM

Here's another point to keep in mind: Despite everything society has told you your entire life, you ARE NOT required to put up with any sort of abuse from either parent. You are not obligated to maintain a relationship with an abusive person. Despite what you've been taught, you don't owe him ANYTHING, not once he started being abusive. Step back and ask yourself how you'd deal with a complete stranger who treated you this way. Then deal exactly the same way with any relatives who do so. I got something similar from my female biological unit when I was 12. She wrote me a letter explaining exactly how her life would have been better if she'd gotten an abortion, and wishing she'd done so. Gee, thanks, bitch. Go DIAF. (Resentment, me? No, how could you think such a thing?)

It's hard. Gods knows it'll probably be one of the harder things you've done. There's a massive guilt trip directed your way built into the situation simply because the person happens to be related to you. My own dad tried to guilt me into trying to maintain some relationship with the female formerly my mother, even after having read that letter. I told him to stuff it.

**protege** · 07-18-2015, 01:20 PM

Thanks for the support. My mind really is all over the place right now

**MoonCat** · 07-18-2015, 07:10 PM

Quoth protege View Post

Thanks for the support. My mind really is all over the place right now

That's normal. You might want to start a journal and just spill everything in writing. It can be therapeutic

**Food Lady** · 07-19-2015, 01:56 AM

Quoth csquared View Post

Loser? I don't think so. From what I read of your posts, you seem to be doing quite well for yourself. And these mental issues you mentioned... That just means that you are succeeding with one hand tied behind your back.

This is what I was thinking. I look up to you in some ways.

**Kara** · 07-19-2015, 10:46 PM

Quoth protege View Post

What the fuck did I ever do to deserve this?

Take it from someone who's father hasn't even made any attempt to contact her in 2 years and who's mother never misses a chance to sigh and ask no one in particular where she went wrong with her eldest child: You don't deserve this.

You did nothing to bring this upon yourself, you did nothing wrong to create the situation, and you do not deserve this. This situation sucks and my heart breaks for you and the only advice I can give you is to remember that you are not the problem and take it one day at a time. Bridges can be mended after things like this, if you want them to be. It's awkward and tense, but it can happen. But that comes later. Right now, you need time to process things, you need space, so you're already on the right track.

**Akasa** · 07-19-2015, 11:46 PM

Sounds like a time out is in order while you take a breather.
If you decide to make the time out a cut off that's up to you.

**Blue Ginger** · 07-20-2015, 04:21 AM

Writing everything in a journal may help. Don't worry about the writing making any sense, just pour everything out any old how but under no circumstances re-read it. Re-reading it will just bring all that anger, hurt and frustration back to the now. When a certain time has passed (3 months, 6 months, etc) or it is full, destroy it. You can either tear all the pages up into little pieces or burn it page by page. Both are very satisfying.

This is how I made it through every single year of high school. A teacher in my final year of primary school suggested it when the black cloud of depression was blocking everything else out.

I have no advice on dealing with your parents because I've not dealt with family acting that way. And I have been able to walk away from other people who have treated me like that.

But there are plenty of people here that have great advice on dealing with parents. Listen to them.

**Eireann** · 07-21-2015, 10:41 AM

One of the hardest things in life (if not the hardest thing) is to separate ourselves - who we are - from the way other people treat us. If someone abuses us in any way, we tend to think "It's all about me. I'm a horrible person. I must have done something very wrong to deserve this."

In reality, it's all about them. They decide to be petty, spiteful, rude, etc. Even if you had done something wrong, they don't have to react in that way. We try to justify and rationalize other people's actions based on what we would do in their place.

Therein lies the problem - we are different people, with different ways of reacting to any situation. We can wonder until the cows come home why a person would do this or that, but we won't understand it, and even if we could, it changes nothing. The important thing to know is that they act this way because that's how they are.

We also tend to feel awful if we have shitty relatives, as though having a shared gene pool taints everyone in it. Nope, not true. I think most of us need to separate emotionally, and realize that we are not other people, and they are not us. I don't view my relatives as being better or nobler beings because of said gene pool. Toxic is toxic, and you get away from toxic people. If your family is close and loving, all the better - but pretending that some people deserve more of you because they're "family" is a very damaging concept that, in my view, needs to fall by the wayside.

My family consists of wonderful, healthy people, most of whom are not related to me by blood. I had a blowup with someone who is related to me by blood some years ago, and cut off all communication. I was perfectly fine with never communicating, in any way, with this person. In fact, I expected it, though I didn't tell other blood relatives, because I knew they'd be upset.

Surprise, surprise - said relative contacted me two years later, with a nervous-looking Facebook message and a friend request. I accepted, and we do contact each other occasionally. We don't have the wonderful, close relationship we once had, and I've been forced to accept it. (Said relative has head firmly lodged in ass, and shows little sign of removing it.)

My advice: Cut all toxic people out of your life, no matter who they are or how they attempt to make you feel about it. Remember that you aren't making them do shit. You don't owe them anything, either; not all people who reproduce are fit to be parents (including mine). You have your own life to live, and you can't solve any problems they have.

**protege** · 07-26-2015, 04:08 PM

Quoth Food Lady View Post

This is what I was thinking. I look up to you in some ways.

Thanks. It's been very difficult, trying to succeed and dealing with this crap. Lately, I've been remembering what an abusive bastard he really was. I simply cannot forgive him for the things he's done. Nor can I tolerate what he's been up to now--trying to squeeze my mom financially so she'll cave if/when he serves her with papers. If she loses her house, my brothers and I have decided that he'll be dealt with. One way or another...

I simply cannot be around him much. I know that if I go over to see him, sooner or later he'll start going on about my mom and brothers. For nearly 40 years, he's tried to paint her as some sort of monster. For nearly 40 years, I've had to deal with the mental bullshit, the depression (caused by him, no doubt), etc.

At least karma is starting to kick him in the nuts. He's pretty much dropped out of sight. He's pissed off the rest of the family--except for his younger sister (Aunt Cuntbag), her husband (I refuse to call that fucker my uncle)--nearly all of his friends, with the various lies. Seriously, did you know that he has told people "my sons are OK with this?"

**protege** · 08-30-2015, 12:37 AM

Well, it's been almost 6 months since I've last seen my dad. After hearing about some of the bile he's been spewing--plus the shit he's been up to--it can stay that way. I mean, did you know that my brothers and I are losers? That seems to be a common theme of his. We're the losers...yet we have full-time jobs, and he was unemployed during most of our childhoods

Then there's the shit he said about my uncle--mom's brother-in-law. Why my dad feels the need to give him shit, I have no idea. Again, my dad's work history is nothing to be proud of. He bounced around from shit job to shit job...while my uncle went to med school, got his PhD, and eventually opened up a (successful) practice. The reason? Simple jealousy.

My uncle's a good guy, and doesn't deserve to have that shit talked about him. I mean, the last time my train convention was up in New England, he took off an entire day (something he rarely does), to meet me at the Northlandz model train layout, when I was driving home. He met me there, because he wanted to go, and my cousins aren't into model trains at all. He put me up for the night, gave me directions around the Schuylkill Expressway mess...not to mention some awesome steaks that night.

If I do hear from my dad, it's always awkward texts. I've decided to keep my distance--lest I strangle him.

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