So my dad is dying

[Sliceanddice]

my aunt called my mom today.

(as far as i know this is what happen)
My dad almost two years ago had surgery to remove a brain tumor. This resulted in him having trouble swallowing, eating and taking in nutrients. He recently got pneumonia due to him not swallowing properly and was hospitalized.

Yesterday/last night he coded. The hospital didn't have his DNR on file so he was revived and put on a ventilator.

My aunt called to let my mom know they are taking him off all life support.

im in a weird place

I a) haven't had a relationship with him for over an year and b) have not and do not regret this at all because it has taken my stress level from a 70 to about 2 because i was no longer the dumping ground for his problems and i was no longer the person who had to deal with any of his medical issues. I also c) know i will not be able to go his funeral, it will be in Utah and i'm about to start a new school semester.

I did cry when i heard but more out of sympathy than sorrow. My dad was emotionally and psychologically abusive, put me at a constant state of stress in my adulthood wit his inability to take care of himself and expecting me to mother him and was unable to understand how any of this could effect anyone but himself.

so now im doing laundry and feeling like crap.

[Sliceanddice]

and i just got word, he died not long ago.

[Chazzie]

I'm sorry for your loss, even if he wasn't a good dad to you it is still a loss of sorts. Give yourself the time you need to figure out how you feel without guilt. Grief can strike in odd ways.

[Sliceanddice]

yeah my sister and i don't know how we feel.
Meimei hasn't had a relationship with him in 10 years, i was losing my relationship with him for years and finally last year after he had a melt down and said he never wanted to speak to me again i cut off my relationship with him.

we are still sad and crying a bit but we aren't really mourning its more of its final and sudden

[Food Lady]

I'm sorry for all the pain you've gone through with him and whatever you're feeling, know that's it's valid and we all support you.

[WishfulSpirit]

Whatever you are feeling is OK. Many adult children of abusive parents feel mixed feelings when their parents pass. Your emotional experience is yours and don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't feel. If you feel relief, that's OK. If you want to dance on his grave, that's OK (though I wouldn't recommend actually doing it...cemetery caretakers tend not to like that). If you remember one of the few good times and ball like a baby, that's OK too.

[Sliceanddice]

yeah i have basically decided what im doing is mourning the father i had not the man he became.

Because while he was always abusive when i was growing up his down sloop from father to what he becamestarted 12 years ago before that he was the man who took me and my siblings to see hook in the dollar theater 2-3 times a week until the film actually broke. The man who defended me and was my advocate when i was the subject of bullying. The man who picked me up from school when i was sick. The man took us to Wyoming.

but that man hadn't been in my life since the first time he overdosed on his medication when i was 16.

who he became? a man who problems where never his own fault who saw family as walking bank accounts a people who's responsibility is to take care of him and even when his health was failing wouldn't do anything to try and maintain it.

That man i dont miss.

[RootedPhoenix]

*hugs you, despite everything* because grief is awful, and I don't want you to feel unloved. Because you are loved.

[Rapscallion]

My condolences.

Rapscallion

[bhskittykatt]

So sorry to hear it. Hang in there.

[MoonCat]

I'm sorry, and I understand, a little.

My dad was an alcoholic and this caused a lot of problems in our lives. He moved out (not by his choice) when I was 20. He was not easy to get along with after that, played the "poor me" card many times, never stopped drinking. He did get easier to deal with as I got older.

It's hard when a parent has done or said things to you that hurt. Take as long as you need to process this. All your feelings are legit, and it takes time to sort through them.

[El Pollo Guerrera]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Sliceanddice]

well i am offically not going to his funeral.

its in Byron Wyoming, since A) Wyoming was the place he identified most with home B) where so much of his family is from the local general store in this town of 500 is named after family and C) My great aunt pat who basically raised him gave him a plot there.

its also on the first day of my classes this semester. So its 2 states away on a monday i have classes on in my first week of classes. can't make it.