Well that sucked

[Kanalah]

While setting up for a show on Nov 21st, mom and I had an argument. This isn't of itself unusual - we argue a lot. No, this argument was significant because I realized just how delusional my mother is.

Our arguments typically follow a pattern:
Mom makes a comment about how I'm weird or different from other people - like why am I always sad.
I respond with why I am weird or different - like that she told me growing up that I'm worthless and I ruined her life.
She then starts getting all defensive and says that either my *dad* was the one who was abusive or that I'm making it all up and how could I lie about her like that.
Then I get a lecture about how she was a perfect mother and I was the absolute worst child ever.

This time she told me that I was clearly delusional and that I belonged in an institution.

However, I *know* what happened during my childhood. I *know* both mom and dad treated me like shit. My dad at least had the courage to tell me that he wasn't the best dad in the world, he was sorry for the bad things, but that he was very proud of the person I've become. Mom would rather lock me away then deal with the reality that she made a mistake. And that's pretty sad, honestly.

So I was dealing with the aftermath of that, and then we had a full moon. For those that don't know, my daughter is autistic and she loses her ever-loving mind during the full moon. I like to joke that we're werewolves, because we don't leave the house during the full moon.

So my daughter was acting crazy - screaming and throwing a fit, and I sent a message to my mom that I felt that I might need to cancel Thanksgiving (which I'd like to add - my mom invited herself, her boyfriend and her best friend to without offering to help out in any way) because I would feel upset if daughter was throwing a fit while people are trying to eat. Hubs and son and I are understanding, but other people generally aren't.

Mom responded that daughter only acts crazy because I don't spank her enough and if I was a better parent and beat my children, then daughter wouldn't be autistic and son wouldn't have ADHD.

I was furious, but I decided to take the high road and not respond. I realized that she's never going to understand that what she says - or texts hurts people. She never apologizes - for *anything* - because in her mind, she's perfect. I didn't want to continue arguing with someone like that. And I didn't want to apologize to her when I've done nothing wrong.

So she's sent me a bunch of texts of the last couple of days. Saying that she's sad about whats going on and she doesn't know how to fix it. Right now I don't want to talk to her again. I have 2 more shows to do this year, and I will be asking some friends to help me out. I have a few things of hers at my house, and hubs will be delivering those for me. He's pissed at her too, and he's tired of having to build me back up after everytime I spend time with her.

I would appreciate any good wishes and prayers.

[morgana]

I would appreciate any good wishes and prayers.

You have them, dear one.

Are you saying you're finally getting ready to kick this poisonous creature to the curb? 'Cause that would be awesome . . .

[Victory Sabre]

You have them, dear one.

Are you saying you're finally getting ready to kick this poisonous creature to the curb? 'Cause that would be awesome . . .

I second that notion. Just because she's relaed to you, by blood, doesn't mean she's family.

[Akasa]

Your mother is a narcissist. They are always toxic.

You deserve so much better than she is capable of giving. PM me if you want the address of a message board that taught me how to deal with the narcissists in my life. It was a process, but I'm much better off now.

[mjr]

Your mother is a narcissist. They are always toxic.

I was about to say something similar. Sounds like there's some passive-aggressive and possibly some Machiavellian tendencies mixed in, too.

Also, read up on the Dark Triad...that's what it sounds like to me.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad

[BlaqueKatt]

Your mother is a narcissist. They are always toxic.

there's a subreddit for kids of narcissits.

[MoonCat]

Good for you. She is what she is, you can't change her. For your own sake and your family's sake, keep her at a distance. There will be much less stress that way.

[XCashier]

Your mother is a narcissist. They are always toxic.

You deserve so much better than she is capable of giving.

QFT. It is difficult to do, but cutting toxic people out of your life will make you feel so much better and make your life much less stressful. I wish you the best of luck.

[Kanalah]

C+P from FB

I am still not back to normal after Thanksgiving. I decided to make a quilt top, since sewing makes me feel better. What should've taken me at most 1 day to put together has taken 3 days so far. I am still pretty out of it. I hope I can get back to a normal routine - I haven't been sleeping or eating, and I had a migraine last night. This is really difficult for me, and mom still has no clue that she's done anything wrong.

[Victory Sabre]

^
I have a feeling that she never will. You can't fix her. Just take care of yourself and your kids.

[EricKei]

I realized that she's never going to understand that what she says - or texts hurts people. She never apologizes - for *anything* - because in her mind, she's perfect.

Holy crap. You just described one of my aunts. Does she get offended and surprised -- nay, SHOCKED -- when someone she has been bullying finally snaps and gives as well as they got from her? As in, not seeming to understand that she, herself, provoked the issue? If so, same here.

This is the same aunt who has shrilly told me to "get a better job" when I was working full time as an onsite tech support guy (for decent money)...or to just tell me that anyone can get a job, anywhere and at any time, just by going into the first store they see with resume in hand. Naturally, she's never had to work a day in her life...but I digress.

I once simply hung up on her without a word after she had spent ten minutes berating me over the phone about some thing or another (years back) -- she eventually just plain insulted me openly. Not five minutes later, Lil's Miss Sweet Innocent Snowflake III had her sister call me -- while I was at work, no less, to shrilly scream at me for an hour, starting it off with the threat that hanging up on her or making a response at all would be considered a direct insult to the family and that nobody on that side of the family would ever speak to me again (Dad's side). She also threatened to call up the boss and harass him until he fired ME just to get rid of HER -- After all, I was the only guilty party here...Had to clock out for that call; fortunately, I was in a job where I had that flexibility. Natch, within a couple of days, she didn't recall the conversation at all.

I didn't want to continue arguing with someone like that. And I didn't want to apologize to her when I've done nothing wrong.

I've been there, too -- And yeah, to whatever extent it's possible, I've found that this is often the best way to deal with people acting this way. They won't change their behavior simply because they don't see anything wrong with it -- it's everyone ELSE who's overreacting to them and misinterpreting everything they do or say.

[MoonCat]

EricKei, I work with someone like that. Says whatever she wants most of the time, then thinks you're over-reacting if you get upset. Is a self-appointed expert on everything, especially other people's health and finances. NEVER apologizes except when she can do it in a sarcastic way, and then continually refers to it in a lovely display of passive-aggressive martyrdom.

[Kanalah]

She will swear up and down that she's a doormat and everyone treats her badly, but she walks right into it and then doesn't leave.

Her "best friend" is a huge bully - she'll get up in my face and call me a bad mom because I can't pull out a photo of my kids in under a millisecond. She also adopts pets, then dumps them on my mom when the novelty wears off. Mom's currently taking care of her cat and a very neurotic dachshund. Before that mom took care of best friend's two cats - who required special medical care that mom paid 100% for. What takes the cake is best friend's car was stolen 2 months ago. She decided not to file a report, so mom lets her borrow her car. Best friend "returns" it when it's run out of gas. Mom also feeds her daily.

Mom's boyfriend can't manage his money in the slightest. He's in his 40's and his mother has to do everything for him. She does his laundry, pays his bills and makes him food. What pisses me off is that mom puts up with all his childish crap. He loves to rag on Deadbeat Uncle for acting like a baby, but can't see that he's doing the same damn thing. Mom talked us into hiring him to mow our lawn for us and he couldn't even handle that. He refused to come by because it was hot, or he was tired, or the mower was out of gas. I'd end up mowing the damn lawn. In July he just stopped showing up all together. The latest I've heard is that his parents kicked him out because he was doing drugs. So now he's living with my mom and has stolen over $2,500 from her. He only admitted it because she said she was going to file a police report.

She's also paying all of my sister's bills ($6,000 in the past 2 months since sister's cat needed a blood transfusion and sis needed dental work) and paying the tax bill on the house that Deadbeat Uncle is living in.

So yeah - she's dealing with a lot of crap. So am I. So is everyone. But that's no reason to blame ME for everything wrong in her life, and insist that I need to be locked up. I bore the blame for everything bad in her life for 32 years, and I've had enough.

[Akasa]

/hugs

It's rough, but put one foot in front of the other, one minute at a time until the new status quo feels normal.

[Kanalah]

Well.

She just came over and apologized for what she said about Daughter.