I feel like an asshole now

[Akasa]

I've been sporadically Googling abusive exes.

One in hopes he died, the other who was just emotionally abusive in a sick sense of curiosity.

I tried looking up his business he had when we were together, found no mention of it. I gloated for a while thinking it failed.(He made me go in and work for free so I'm kinda bitter about that.)

Today I found his obit. He died in 2013.

He left behind a wife and child... and I can't figure out if I should feel sorry for them that he's gone, or sorry for them that they were ever saddled with his ass to begin with.

Now I feel like an asshole.

[RootedPhoenix]

*hugs*

I don't know how you're supposed to feel. I'm going through something similar with the passing of my stepfather.

I really feel like a jerk sometimes too, because now he can't abuse my family, but I really did love him.

It's hard to know. Give yourself time to ponder. <3

[darkroxas45]

I say both but then again my state's DCF is screwing all Food Stamps people (not sharing needed info) definitely sucks he is dead but that raises the question, how did he treat the wife and kids?

[Aria]

I think we should never have to feel bad about about our own feelings. And what you're doing is completely meaningless to him and the family he left behind. So, well, don't feel like an asshole and just forget about him.

[Seshat]

Your emotions are neither good nor bad, they simply are. How you react to them determines 'goodness' and 'badness'.

If you feel anger, then you feel anger. Go punch a punching bag with a cartoon sketch of his face on it. Then when you're calmer, figure out if the anger is pointing to anything you want to act on.
(Anger is often a reaction to some sort of injustice. Some injustices should be acted on, some should not. And some are maybes.)

If you feel vindictive, then write a cruel letter. Troll onto the paper, if you like. (again, this is good use of the emotion)
Rereading the letter when you're calmer will tell you if there's something you want to act on.

Frustration. Sadness. Any of the emotions we call 'negative' emotions - they all point to something. Injustices. Unfairnesses. Sometimes things done with malice aforethought, sometimes things done without the other person/people thinking, sometimes just sheer bad luck.

It sounds like in this case, what's happened calls for you to create a kind of 'graveside rememberance' for this bastard in your own back yard (ie, where those who loved him can't see), and then DESECRATE THE FUCK OUT OF IT.
You can't do anything to him anymore, but you can give his 'grave' what it deserves!

... and by doing it in your own backyard, you're not affecting any innocents who might love him. Such as said child.


As long as you don't hurt the kid (or other innocents), you have nothing to feel like an asshole about.
And once you've vented the emotion about him, and worked out what you might need to work out in your own mind, then if you ever do encounter his wife and kid, you'll be able to smile and treat them like any other strangers. Or, if you ever choose to, you might even approach them and offer condolences - and mean it.

[Bardmaiden]

It is confusing when some one like that passes. My step father emotionally abused myself and my sister and also psychically abused my mum. He died of a heart attack just over ten years ago now. Sometimes I hate him for what he put us through but yet I also remember good times and things that I love because he introduced me to them.

So I appreciate the good and try (not always successfully) to let go of the bad.

[MadMike]

I know how you feel. Back in the late 90s, back when I was a single parent, the building I was renting a place in got sold. The asshole who bought it wanted our apartment for himself, so he kicked me and my five-year-old son out at Christmas time.

He went on to become a township commissioner, and when I found out about it, I was wishing I had kept the letter he sent me. I'm sure the papers would have loved to publish a story about how a political candidate kicked out a single dad and his five-year-old son at Christmas. I didn't vote back then, but when I was up for re-election, I intended to vote against him. Turned out he was running unopposed, so I wrote in "Bart Simpson."

A couple of years ago, I found out he was working as a rent-a-cop at my job. That was quite awkward when I left my access badge on my desk and had to ask one of them to escort me back in. I thought he was looking kind of sickly, but I didn't think anything of it. Then a couple of months ago, the company sent out an email telling us he had died. I wasn't exactly celebrating it, but at the same time, I wasn't shedding any tears either.

I posted about it on Facebook, telling the details but not mentioning any names. One of my friends figured out who I was talking about and messaged me about it. Apparently I wasn't the only person this jackass had fucked over. My friend told me he had done some work for the guy, exactly as he had specified, and then decided he wasn't satisfied with it. Not only did he not pay him, but he also sued him.

I felt a little less like an asshole after that.