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I'm going to try to make the background as short as possible, though I could write hundreds of pages.
My husband left me when I was pregnant with my youngest child. He'll be 14 in two weeks. The last time he had any contact with any of the boys was the oldest child's 4th birthday. That kid turned 17 yesterday. My pregnancies are extremely difficult, and spent mostly in the hospital. The youngest was born extremely early because if they didn't deliver him right then, I would have died. The divorce was pretty ugly. I was being told that my husband was refusing to help with the kids and was refusing to see me. I was so sick after delivery that I just believed what I was being told. After all, I wasn't hearing from my husband, so it must be true.
Fast forward to last week.
Middle child is extremely sick. We have no clue what's wrong, in spite of a week long hospital stay. The doctors asked for a complete family medical history. I can do that for my side of the family, but not for the kids' father. Considering how very important this was, I sucked it up, located my ex-husband, and attempted to make contact. I found a really good bet on a workplace, so I called and left what had to be a strange and shocking message. He called back about five minutes later. I was impressed.
So we talked for nearly two hours. We didn't just talk about medical stuff. The issue of the divorce came up. It turns out that my ex was just as much of a victim of my parents as I was. While I was pregnant with the youngest, and in the hospital, they were lying to me about him, and lying to him about me. I was being told he was refusing to care for the older boys and come visit. He was being told I was "done with him", and didn't want him around, and if he tried to make contact they'd get a restraining order and take the kids from both of us. They've apparently reiterated these threats throughout the years. So he's stayed away. He could have made different decisions, but as I moved 3000 miles and cut off all contact with my family a few years ago, I can completely understand being afraid of them.
He asked if he could get to know the boys. I don't see any reason to deny him this, though considering the circumstances, I do think it needs to go extremely slowly. So I made arrangements for a FaceTime chat yesterday. I think it went really well. I laid down a bunch of rules and he followed them to the letter. That's promising. I offered to make that a weekly occurrence for a little while, then if all goes well, expand contact little by little. It's a good start.
Honestly, right now I feel like complete horse shit. I've been angry at him and at times pretty nasty in my discussions about him (never to the boys, but to other people, out of the boys' earshot). It was undeserved. But now I'm even more angry at my parents. My boys have been denied a father all these years because of some sick game they were playing. I don't even know how to respond to that.
My husband left me when I was pregnant with my youngest child. He'll be 14 in two weeks. The last time he had any contact with any of the boys was the oldest child's 4th birthday. That kid turned 17 yesterday. My pregnancies are extremely difficult, and spent mostly in the hospital. The youngest was born extremely early because if they didn't deliver him right then, I would have died. The divorce was pretty ugly. I was being told that my husband was refusing to help with the kids and was refusing to see me. I was so sick after delivery that I just believed what I was being told. After all, I wasn't hearing from my husband, so it must be true.
Fast forward to last week.
Middle child is extremely sick. We have no clue what's wrong, in spite of a week long hospital stay. The doctors asked for a complete family medical history. I can do that for my side of the family, but not for the kids' father. Considering how very important this was, I sucked it up, located my ex-husband, and attempted to make contact. I found a really good bet on a workplace, so I called and left what had to be a strange and shocking message. He called back about five minutes later. I was impressed.
So we talked for nearly two hours. We didn't just talk about medical stuff. The issue of the divorce came up. It turns out that my ex was just as much of a victim of my parents as I was. While I was pregnant with the youngest, and in the hospital, they were lying to me about him, and lying to him about me. I was being told he was refusing to care for the older boys and come visit. He was being told I was "done with him", and didn't want him around, and if he tried to make contact they'd get a restraining order and take the kids from both of us. They've apparently reiterated these threats throughout the years. So he's stayed away. He could have made different decisions, but as I moved 3000 miles and cut off all contact with my family a few years ago, I can completely understand being afraid of them.
He asked if he could get to know the boys. I don't see any reason to deny him this, though considering the circumstances, I do think it needs to go extremely slowly. So I made arrangements for a FaceTime chat yesterday. I think it went really well. I laid down a bunch of rules and he followed them to the letter. That's promising. I offered to make that a weekly occurrence for a little while, then if all goes well, expand contact little by little. It's a good start.
Honestly, right now I feel like complete horse shit. I've been angry at him and at times pretty nasty in my discussions about him (never to the boys, but to other people, out of the boys' earshot). It was undeserved. But now I'm even more angry at my parents. My boys have been denied a father all these years because of some sick game they were playing. I don't even know how to respond to that.
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