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Perhaps October will be a good month for us all...
Aquarius
Your loneliness may cause you to break into song at inopportune times, proving that musicals are the most unrealistic films ever. And that you’re tone deaf. But of course, you already knew that, given that whenever you take the mike at your local bar's karaoke night, everyone runs outside screaming. Beware of giant spiders. You will make an effort to keep them out of your house by locking every window, but somehow, they still creep inside to freak you out. Don't pat that dog on the head; it is actually Black Shuck and it will come to rip you to bits in the night. Sweet dreams...
Pisces
Next week, your life will feel like a series of “Monty Python” skits. In theory this sounds like fun, but you will quickly learn that it’s not fun to actually live that way. Dead parrots are not amusing, and three headed men who want to kill you after tea and biscuits get old very quickly. Under the influence of Saturn, you will get the urge to change your diet to nothing but anchovies, garlic and cabbage. Don't do it. Resist the temptation. When choosing your costume for Halloween night, do try and come up with something a bit more flattering than the one you picked out last year. You know the one I'm referring to, so don't deny it.
Aries
You’ll make a new friend next week. A clingy, demanding one who seems determined to lay an egg in your chest. Your new friend might be a Facehugger. Tho that's still an improvement on the one you made last week, who smelled rotten and showed a disturbing urge to lick inside your ear. Something about you just seems to attract these weirdos... perhaps you need to change, and soon. By the way, those knocks you hear at night are not the house settling. A ghost is trying to contact you. Do not get out the ouija board again. You remember what happened last time.
Taurus
A sudden crash of thunder and lightning will have you shaking in your boots as you hide under the bed. Foolish Taurus! That's where the monsters are! Instead, try the closet. But all is not lost as far as this month goes. The good news is, the stars have aligned themselves to give you a stress-free week. (Finally!) The bad news is, your roommate might get kidnapped by aliens … (Finally!) He also forgot to pay you his share of the rent before the abduction. Never mind. Just think of the money you'll get when you sell all his possessions on ebay.
Gemini
While searching for your lucky Halloween underpants, you will stumble upon a gift you forgot to give someone last year and decide to keep it. That's par for the course for someone as two faced as you. Your costume will attract smiles. It's up to you to decide whether this is good or bad. If you see someone dressed as the Doppler Effect for Halloween, try to be nice. Don’t call him a zebra. You might need this guy’s help next time your computer is taken over by the Borg. They keep on trying to assimilate you for some reason; little do they know that doing so will mean the disintegration of their entire race due to your negative influence.
Cancer
You will be tempted to play a cruel prank on a friend next week that may jeopardize your friendship. Ask yourself if this epic plan is worth it. (It is.) As a Cancer, you should be used by now to the psychotic thoughts echoing round your head. Venus influences you to try and show your softer side this month, and to not get into as many bar room brawls. When the zombie apocalypse happens, you will take the opportunity to shoot at your many enemies, claiming you mistook them for zombies. You will survive it, but only cuz you sneak out the back of the safe house when you hear the zombies breaking the front door down, leaving your friends to get eaten.
Leo
Your inability to resist pumpkin-flavored seasonal snacks will cause a bloody, limb-severing incident in the supermarket express line. At least make an offer to mop up all that blood spilt; the staff will appreciate it. You can settle any argument next week by blaming your evilness on the King of the Potato People. People might just believe you, cuz you are known to be a bit "out there". Slime will drip down your walls and flies crowd your kitchen. This is not due to an evil poltergeist, but down to your allergy to cleaning. Vow to change, and soon.
Virgo
You will be in the right place at the right time to embarrass the hell out of somebody you hate. Keep your camera phone ready. A picture is worth a thousand words. Do not be tempted to pour water over trick or treating children at your door; save that for the carol singers! Otherwise, the fates will not smile kindly upon you. You can not risk having bad karma heaped on you this month, as next month will be even worse. Just sayin'. Halloween will leave you with a sense of foreboding, but you have nothing to worry about. Leprechauns usually go into hibernation this time of year. Elves, on the other hand…
Libra
Frankenstein's monster was, of course, made out of the parts of a couple dozen other people, which must have been hell when it came to custody hearings. Nothing's more awkward at a family reunion than having one-tenth of Cousin Harry show up at the buffet. You, too, feel like you're being pulled in twenty different directions, but you'll soon receive the jolt you'll need to get on your feet again. It might be a near fatal electric shock, who knows? Shopping will cure most ills, as will vast amounts of Halloween candy. Beware of wardrobe malfunctions on Halloween. This might be harmlessly funny if you decide to dress as Lady Gaga, but it could be scary if you’re a Dalek.
Scorpio
Your long lost underpants will return next week under suspicious circumstances. You might consider putting them in quarantine until you’re sure there’s no danger of T-virus. You will be struck with the idea of committing the perfect murder, but abandon it when you discover that there are no sharp knives in your house. Do not overdo it at the Halloween party; there is an enemy waiting with a video phone to record your shame and broadcast it on Youtube to a cast of thousands. Smile at the old lady you will meet next week and offer to carry her shopping, for she is a witch and will curse you if you do not.
Sagittarius
Due to your unpredictability, nobody will see your Halloween costume coming. Your chocolate addiction will take over this month so have a pack of Kit Kats ready. Next Thursday, you will have a nightmare that is so pant wettingly terrifying that it makes you think that it is a premonition of things to come. It isn't. You escape a horrific fate worse than death , if you can steer clear of boring people at parties. Next Friday will leave you wondering when M. Night Shyamalan started writing the script for your life, and what it will take to fire him.
Capricorn
A tree will attempt to grope you on your way back from work this week. As long as you've avoided the temptation of accepting skin bound books as gifts, you can safely slap its branches away and firmly say, "Not without a dinner date". Warning: don’t feed the zombies. They’re only going to follow you home, and then you’ll never get rid of them. Consider yourself forewarned. Don't let the creepy situations you get yourself into this week get you skittish. Let them get you Skittles; why not go Trick-or-Treating? It's fun to dress up, get given stuff, and not have to give ten percent to a big guy named Huggy Bear. And Halloween candy doesn't count as calories!
Aquarius
Your loneliness may cause you to break into song at inopportune times, proving that musicals are the most unrealistic films ever. And that you’re tone deaf. But of course, you already knew that, given that whenever you take the mike at your local bar's karaoke night, everyone runs outside screaming. Beware of giant spiders. You will make an effort to keep them out of your house by locking every window, but somehow, they still creep inside to freak you out. Don't pat that dog on the head; it is actually Black Shuck and it will come to rip you to bits in the night. Sweet dreams...
Pisces
Next week, your life will feel like a series of “Monty Python” skits. In theory this sounds like fun, but you will quickly learn that it’s not fun to actually live that way. Dead parrots are not amusing, and three headed men who want to kill you after tea and biscuits get old very quickly. Under the influence of Saturn, you will get the urge to change your diet to nothing but anchovies, garlic and cabbage. Don't do it. Resist the temptation. When choosing your costume for Halloween night, do try and come up with something a bit more flattering than the one you picked out last year. You know the one I'm referring to, so don't deny it.
Aries
You’ll make a new friend next week. A clingy, demanding one who seems determined to lay an egg in your chest. Your new friend might be a Facehugger. Tho that's still an improvement on the one you made last week, who smelled rotten and showed a disturbing urge to lick inside your ear. Something about you just seems to attract these weirdos... perhaps you need to change, and soon. By the way, those knocks you hear at night are not the house settling. A ghost is trying to contact you. Do not get out the ouija board again. You remember what happened last time.
Taurus
A sudden crash of thunder and lightning will have you shaking in your boots as you hide under the bed. Foolish Taurus! That's where the monsters are! Instead, try the closet. But all is not lost as far as this month goes. The good news is, the stars have aligned themselves to give you a stress-free week. (Finally!) The bad news is, your roommate might get kidnapped by aliens … (Finally!) He also forgot to pay you his share of the rent before the abduction. Never mind. Just think of the money you'll get when you sell all his possessions on ebay.
Gemini
While searching for your lucky Halloween underpants, you will stumble upon a gift you forgot to give someone last year and decide to keep it. That's par for the course for someone as two faced as you. Your costume will attract smiles. It's up to you to decide whether this is good or bad. If you see someone dressed as the Doppler Effect for Halloween, try to be nice. Don’t call him a zebra. You might need this guy’s help next time your computer is taken over by the Borg. They keep on trying to assimilate you for some reason; little do they know that doing so will mean the disintegration of their entire race due to your negative influence.
Cancer
You will be tempted to play a cruel prank on a friend next week that may jeopardize your friendship. Ask yourself if this epic plan is worth it. (It is.) As a Cancer, you should be used by now to the psychotic thoughts echoing round your head. Venus influences you to try and show your softer side this month, and to not get into as many bar room brawls. When the zombie apocalypse happens, you will take the opportunity to shoot at your many enemies, claiming you mistook them for zombies. You will survive it, but only cuz you sneak out the back of the safe house when you hear the zombies breaking the front door down, leaving your friends to get eaten.
Leo
Your inability to resist pumpkin-flavored seasonal snacks will cause a bloody, limb-severing incident in the supermarket express line. At least make an offer to mop up all that blood spilt; the staff will appreciate it. You can settle any argument next week by blaming your evilness on the King of the Potato People. People might just believe you, cuz you are known to be a bit "out there". Slime will drip down your walls and flies crowd your kitchen. This is not due to an evil poltergeist, but down to your allergy to cleaning. Vow to change, and soon.
Virgo
You will be in the right place at the right time to embarrass the hell out of somebody you hate. Keep your camera phone ready. A picture is worth a thousand words. Do not be tempted to pour water over trick or treating children at your door; save that for the carol singers! Otherwise, the fates will not smile kindly upon you. You can not risk having bad karma heaped on you this month, as next month will be even worse. Just sayin'. Halloween will leave you with a sense of foreboding, but you have nothing to worry about. Leprechauns usually go into hibernation this time of year. Elves, on the other hand…
Libra
Frankenstein's monster was, of course, made out of the parts of a couple dozen other people, which must have been hell when it came to custody hearings. Nothing's more awkward at a family reunion than having one-tenth of Cousin Harry show up at the buffet. You, too, feel like you're being pulled in twenty different directions, but you'll soon receive the jolt you'll need to get on your feet again. It might be a near fatal electric shock, who knows? Shopping will cure most ills, as will vast amounts of Halloween candy. Beware of wardrobe malfunctions on Halloween. This might be harmlessly funny if you decide to dress as Lady Gaga, but it could be scary if you’re a Dalek.
Scorpio
Your long lost underpants will return next week under suspicious circumstances. You might consider putting them in quarantine until you’re sure there’s no danger of T-virus. You will be struck with the idea of committing the perfect murder, but abandon it when you discover that there are no sharp knives in your house. Do not overdo it at the Halloween party; there is an enemy waiting with a video phone to record your shame and broadcast it on Youtube to a cast of thousands. Smile at the old lady you will meet next week and offer to carry her shopping, for she is a witch and will curse you if you do not.
Sagittarius
Due to your unpredictability, nobody will see your Halloween costume coming. Your chocolate addiction will take over this month so have a pack of Kit Kats ready. Next Thursday, you will have a nightmare that is so pant wettingly terrifying that it makes you think that it is a premonition of things to come. It isn't. You escape a horrific fate worse than death , if you can steer clear of boring people at parties. Next Friday will leave you wondering when M. Night Shyamalan started writing the script for your life, and what it will take to fire him.
Capricorn
A tree will attempt to grope you on your way back from work this week. As long as you've avoided the temptation of accepting skin bound books as gifts, you can safely slap its branches away and firmly say, "Not without a dinner date". Warning: don’t feed the zombies. They’re only going to follow you home, and then you’ll never get rid of them. Consider yourself forewarned. Don't let the creepy situations you get yourself into this week get you skittish. Let them get you Skittles; why not go Trick-or-Treating? It's fun to dress up, get given stuff, and not have to give ten percent to a big guy named Huggy Bear. And Halloween candy doesn't count as calories!
Ended up grilling about New Orleans culture & Cajun food while I was there.
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