Feeling so guilty

[evilhomer]

My mom has had some serious health problems for the past decade and longer. Arthritis, Fibromyalgia and a list of other ailments have left her with chronic pain. So it wasn't that out of the ordinary this morning when she came over looking for help. What was unusual was that my dad was having trouble as well. I went over to see what the problem was a he brushed it off saying he had felt nauseous but it passed, mentioning a headache and loss of equilibrium. He assured me he was allright and could make it to the hospital to get my mom checked out and he'd let them check him as well. They didn't leave until a few hours later and while there my dad had a relapse and almost collapsed. It turns out he had a stroke. It was minor and he should be okay but I am killing myself now.

I'm trying to lie to myself telling myself that it was the morning and my brain wasn't going yet but the truth is that I was just worried about getting to work. All I fucking care about is money. I'm trained in first aid and I should have seen the warning signs and run the simple checks, but that was the farthest thing on my mind. I couldn't have done anything other than getting him help sooner but that would have made a difference. But instead I let my obsession with the allmighty dollar rule my judgement. I absolutely hate myself right now.

I'm going in for a meeting with my boss tomorrow. The stress they put me under has made me an emotional powder keg and now the fuse has been lit. I definately need them to take down some of my responsibility or I won't be able to make it through things right now.

[Food Lady]

I'm so sorry to see you hurting like this. I don't know if your judgement of your heart is accurate or if you're judging yourself too harshly because I can't be inside your head, but I do know this: as painful as it is, seeing ourselves as we really are gives us the opportunity to change. FWIW, I have never gotten the impression you only care about money. I think what might've been motivating you to be in a hurry was simply survival. We all need our jobs. At any rate I have respect for you and you know we all care and are here for you.

[yeahwhatev]

OK.. You posted it here, so commenting is allowed. I am known by my friends for brutal honesty. Here is some...You need help.

You are kicking yourself for something you admittedly know you did nothing wrong on. You are hurting yourself because you feel you deserve it. Mental pain is still pain. No-one deserves it. EVER. You defend yourself, you help yourself and people you cared about. You can even add in strangers as a part of society. Helping them is good and positive.

What is not healthy is hurting yourself.

You need to talk to someone about this. Job, no job. You do not beat yourself up because of "If only"... especially if you are admitting you responded the way a son should have.. with caring and concern.

By all means get the job to stop lumping things your way. THEN GO TALK TO SOMEONE PROFESSIONAL! Concern from friends, online advice can be good positive things. You have been over-stressed and burdened for years. You aren't faking things to try and get a better response at work. You are hurting. It is not weakness or failing to work things out with someone who has training and insight on situations like yours. PLEASE.. Go find a professional to talk to.

[evilhomer]

I made this post when I was at my lowest point, feeling really lousy and beating myself up. Things have improved tremendously since then. It turned out that my dad was misdiagnosed, he didn't have a stroke after all. (It was a combination of post-concussion symptoms, a pinched nerve, along with other ailments). This news took the weight of the world off my shoulders. I still feel like crap for having left him like I did, but I'm now able to shift those feelings over to this being a wake up call that I have to pay more attention to what matters.

On the job front, I let my bosses know that I can't put up with their shit anymore. I gave them an ultimatum of taking me off supervisory duties, or lose me. So far they've accommodated me, and it's made a world of difference. I have no problem with the long hours of ridiculously hard work, it's the responsibility of making the deadlines and pushing the crew to meet it that was driving me insane. It's only a matter of time before things go back to the way they were, but for now, it's a big help to me.

[csquared]

Glad to hear your dad is doing better.

Crossing my fingers on the work issues.
*reading evilhomer's other post*
Maybe I should step that up to sacrificing goat...

[RootedPhoenix]

*offers hugs to evilhomer*

Praying for comfort and well ness for you and your family.