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My mum died in 2003 from lung cancer. She had asked to be buried next to my grandfather but my stepdad couldn't afford it so he had her cremated. Then he paid for her to be put into a viewing room so we could visit the urn for an indeterminate amount of time.
About 5 years ago, he briefly talked to my sister about having a discussion on what to do with her ashes and we never heard anything about it again so we figured he'd bring it up when he was ready. We weren't going to push it on him because from what we understood, he loved her very much and treated her very well.
He treated us well too. Even called us his daughters. Spending time with us, giving us Christmas cards (usually silly ones), spending a heck of alot of time with my nephew (almost every single day for the first ten years of his life) who loved him so much and called him papa. He was always much closer to us than my dad was, and especially to my nephew.
Then a few years ago, his calls and time slowly began dropping off. We eventually were told that he was getting remarried. That's fine, whatever, my mum wouldn't have wanted him to spend life alone and we have always cared about him enough that my sister and I have both slipped up and called him dad sometimes.
His time with us began to be less and less. We started hardly ever talking. And one day when the family was in the park, my nephew saw him and ran over to him and my stepdad ignored him.
But it gets worse. I'm no longer in Canada but he used to spend time with my sister. His calls to me virtually stopped but occasionally if something happened I'd hear from him. My sister and my nephew got to see him maybe once a month.
But then this happened. He hasn't talked to any of us for 3 months. He didn't send a Christmas card even (he used to send pictures, money, and toys for my nephews but that stopped once he got with this new wife).
So I tried to call him. He won't answer. He wouldn't answer my sister or nephew either. We do know he's getting the calls, or someone is, because it shows the texts and calls were heard and seen on the phone and facebook.
And then I started to wonder... what about my mother. He never contacted us about burial, spreading her ashes, or anything, so what about my mother? So I started googling it. I found her name attached to the same cemetery my grandfather is buried in so I looked deeper.
I called the funeral home the funeral was at and her ashes were stored. Her ashes were claimed by him in March 2011. He buried her without telling anyone. He couldn't bury her next to her father so it's in the same cemetery. And on her grave? The memorial paper wrapped in plastic and tapped down. He didn't even give her a gravestone. I had this confirmed by the cemetery who went out to physically look at the grave. If he couldn't have afforded one, my sister and I would have gladly bought one for her, but he didn't even tell anyone he had buried her. Not even her mother. No one knew where she was. We were all under the impression that she was still with the funeral home. We didn't even know he had taken her ashes.
But oh, I'm not done yet. Apparently he had a bunch of boxes at my grandmothers. She had a pipe burst and it got wet. Instead of contacting her children, or her my grandmother (who lived UPSTAIRS), he threw it all out. The only things saved were the picture albums, a few toys, and a book I had made for her. All our memories, school pictures, boxes of things like our report cards, my figure skating badges, it's all gone. Even family heirlooms like a bible and oil lamp brought from Germany when they immigrated over a hundred years ago and have been in the family for generations. All gone. My mum had my grandfathers WWII enlistment papers, and probably even his medals (though mum may have returned those to my grandmother years ago, I don't know for sure and grandma doesn't know where they are). Gone. Everything gone.
He couldn't even talk to us, and ask us what we wanted to keep, if we could have saved anything at all. Our lives. Growing up. It's all gone.
We thought he loved her. We never once thought he'd treat us this way. And now he won't answer the phone to anyone.
How dare anyone behave this way. If it was such an inconvenience for him, he could have just told me and I would have taken charge and done it all. I left it for him because he was her husband and I thought he loved her.
I feel like I've lost her all over again. I know I've lost an important part of my childhood. Of my family.
I contacted a lawyer today in Canada. I'm due to speak with him on Tuesday to see if anything can be done about this. At the least, I want him to pay for part of the gravestone. And I would like recompense for what we lost. I know nothing can ever replace those things that were so important, that represented growing up together, but I want something. We lost so much.
My mum was my best friend. Regardless of how much we drove each other crazy, we spent alot of time together right up until she died. I thought I had moved on, but this just opens up all of it again. That he would treat her and her family with such incredible disrespect.
My mum would be so angry right now.
About 5 years ago, he briefly talked to my sister about having a discussion on what to do with her ashes and we never heard anything about it again so we figured he'd bring it up when he was ready. We weren't going to push it on him because from what we understood, he loved her very much and treated her very well.
He treated us well too. Even called us his daughters. Spending time with us, giving us Christmas cards (usually silly ones), spending a heck of alot of time with my nephew (almost every single day for the first ten years of his life) who loved him so much and called him papa. He was always much closer to us than my dad was, and especially to my nephew.
Then a few years ago, his calls and time slowly began dropping off. We eventually were told that he was getting remarried. That's fine, whatever, my mum wouldn't have wanted him to spend life alone and we have always cared about him enough that my sister and I have both slipped up and called him dad sometimes.
His time with us began to be less and less. We started hardly ever talking. And one day when the family was in the park, my nephew saw him and ran over to him and my stepdad ignored him.
But it gets worse. I'm no longer in Canada but he used to spend time with my sister. His calls to me virtually stopped but occasionally if something happened I'd hear from him. My sister and my nephew got to see him maybe once a month.
But then this happened. He hasn't talked to any of us for 3 months. He didn't send a Christmas card even (he used to send pictures, money, and toys for my nephews but that stopped once he got with this new wife).
So I tried to call him. He won't answer. He wouldn't answer my sister or nephew either. We do know he's getting the calls, or someone is, because it shows the texts and calls were heard and seen on the phone and facebook.
And then I started to wonder... what about my mother. He never contacted us about burial, spreading her ashes, or anything, so what about my mother? So I started googling it. I found her name attached to the same cemetery my grandfather is buried in so I looked deeper.
I called the funeral home the funeral was at and her ashes were stored. Her ashes were claimed by him in March 2011. He buried her without telling anyone. He couldn't bury her next to her father so it's in the same cemetery. And on her grave? The memorial paper wrapped in plastic and tapped down. He didn't even give her a gravestone. I had this confirmed by the cemetery who went out to physically look at the grave. If he couldn't have afforded one, my sister and I would have gladly bought one for her, but he didn't even tell anyone he had buried her. Not even her mother. No one knew where she was. We were all under the impression that she was still with the funeral home. We didn't even know he had taken her ashes.
But oh, I'm not done yet. Apparently he had a bunch of boxes at my grandmothers. She had a pipe burst and it got wet. Instead of contacting her children, or her my grandmother (who lived UPSTAIRS), he threw it all out. The only things saved were the picture albums, a few toys, and a book I had made for her. All our memories, school pictures, boxes of things like our report cards, my figure skating badges, it's all gone. Even family heirlooms like a bible and oil lamp brought from Germany when they immigrated over a hundred years ago and have been in the family for generations. All gone. My mum had my grandfathers WWII enlistment papers, and probably even his medals (though mum may have returned those to my grandmother years ago, I don't know for sure and grandma doesn't know where they are). Gone. Everything gone.
He couldn't even talk to us, and ask us what we wanted to keep, if we could have saved anything at all. Our lives. Growing up. It's all gone.
We thought he loved her. We never once thought he'd treat us this way. And now he won't answer the phone to anyone.
How dare anyone behave this way. If it was such an inconvenience for him, he could have just told me and I would have taken charge and done it all. I left it for him because he was her husband and I thought he loved her.
I feel like I've lost her all over again. I know I've lost an important part of my childhood. Of my family.
I contacted a lawyer today in Canada. I'm due to speak with him on Tuesday to see if anything can be done about this. At the least, I want him to pay for part of the gravestone. And I would like recompense for what we lost. I know nothing can ever replace those things that were so important, that represented growing up together, but I want something. We lost so much.
My mum was my best friend. Regardless of how much we drove each other crazy, we spent alot of time together right up until she died. I thought I had moved on, but this just opens up all of it again. That he would treat her and her family with such incredible disrespect.
My mum would be so angry right now.
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