Kid Sing the Darndest Things

[AnaKhouri]

My son has a toy that plays "On Top of Old Smokey" and it made me think of this gruesome version I heard (and maybe sang) as a kid. Anyone else remember it?

On top of Old Smokey
All covered with sand
I shot my poor teacher
With a red rubber band
I went to her funeral
Saw she was not dead
I took a bazooka
And blew off her head

[paperfiend]

I learned this version (which I believe is enshrined in a Calvin & Hobbes strip):

On top of spaghetti,
All covered with cheese,
I lost my poor meatball,
When somebody sneezed.

It rolled off the table,
And on to the floor,
And then my poor meatball,
Rolled out of the door.

It rolled in the garden,
And under a bush,
And then my poor meatball,
Was nothing but mush.

The mush was as tasty
As tasty could be,
And then the next summer,
It grew into a tree.

The tree was all covered,
All covered with moss,
And on it grew meatballs,
And tomato sauce.

So if you eat spaghetti,
All covered with cheese,
Hold on to your meatball,
Whenever you sneeze.

[mjr]

I remember that! Except ours was a bit different, and a bit longer...

On top of A Schoolhouse
All covered with sand
I shot my poor teacher
With a red rubber band
I shot her with glory, I shot her with pride
I couldn't have missed her, she was 40 feet wide
I went to her funeral
And then to her grave
Instead of throwing flowers, I threw a grenade
The police came after me, they really did smell
So I took my bazooka
And blew them to Hell.

Another one we'd sort of do was to the "Battle Hymn of the Republic"

Glory, Glory Hallelujah!
Teacher hit me with a ru-ler.
Met her at the door with a loaded .44
And she ain't my teacher anymore...

Except we'd often change the location and weaponry in the third line to various other things (i.e. "Met her at the bank with a Sherman Army Tank"...)

Here's another we'd do:

Mary had a hammer,
Mary had a bell,
Mary went to Heaven, and the bell went to
Hello operator, give me number nine.
If you disconnect me, I'll kick you from
behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass
Mary slipped and fell, and cut her little
Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies
If you fall in a bucket of s**t, be sure to close your eyes!

Of course, there's always the world's dirtiest song (NSFW!!!!): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgvihRmyd5o

[Ironclad Alibi]

Many years ago a children's choir in the church I attended included a song about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in the fiery furnace. (The link probably isn't the version they sang.) One small lad at the front keep singing "Shadrach, Meshach and A Billy Goat."

A quick search on Google revealed that this may be a common event.

[XCashier]

My son has a toy that plays "On Top of Old Smokey" and it made me think of this gruesome version I heard (and maybe sang) as a kid. Anyone else remember it?

We sang:

On top of Old Smokey
All covered with blood
I shot my old teacher
She sank in the mud

I went to her funeral
I went to her grave
I did not throw flowers
But a hand grenade!

[MadMike]

I remember this one:

This land is my land
And not your land
I got a shotgun
And you ain't got one
If you don't get off
I'll blow your head off
This land is private property

And this one:

Joy to the world
The school burned down
And all the teachers died
Including the principal
Who's hanging from the flagpole
With a rope around his neck
With a rope around his neck
With a ro-o-ope around his neck.

[EricKei]

I've always been partial to the old Shaving Cream song, circa 1946.

[notalwaysright]

...
If you don't get off
I'll blow your head off
This land is private property

Yup, except we sang the last bar as "this land was made for only me."

...Kids are weird.

[mjr]

Joy to the world
The school burned down
And all the teachers died....

I heard it like this:

Joy to the World
The Teacher's dead.
We bar-be-cued her head!
What happened to her body?
We flushed it down the potty.
And watched it go around,
And watched it go around,
And watched i-----t go a-round!

[MadMike]

Yup, except we sang the last bar as "this land was made for only me."

I heard it both ways.

I just thought of another one, that almost got me in trouble. I have a brother who's four years younger than me. I think he was three, maybe four at the time, and as most people know, they're like tape recorders at that age. He decided to repeat a little rhyme that my friends and I had been saying:

Mary had a little lamb
She tied him to the heater
And every time he turned around
He burned his little peter

He picked a rather awkward time to repeat this. He didn't repeat it when it was just us kids. He didn't even repeat it just in front of our parents. He decided to repeat it when we were having a huge family dinner, with some of the grandparents and great-grandparents, right at the dinner table when everyone was seated. Some of the older relatives were horrified, some of them chuckled in an embarrassed manner, and my dad was trying not to laugh as he was telling my brother that that wasn't really a nice thing to say. The whole time I'm thinking, "Don't look at me... don't look at me." As far as I can remember, nothing was ever said to me, although they had to know where my brother heard it from.

[mjr]

Mary had a Little Lamb,
She also had a duck.
She put them on the floor together,
to see if they would f**k.

Or, more recently, I can't remember if I made this one up, or heard it from a comedian:

Mary had a little lamb,
the doctors were surprised.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

In grade school, we once had to sing this really sappy song with verses like "we live in a nation with freedom for all," "equality and rights for all and not some" or some BS like that.

Another kid and I got in trouble for adding the word "not" to the end of each verse. Teacher said it was rude; I say we were wise beyond our years.

[XCashier]

Of course, there's always the world's dirtiest song (NSFW!!!!): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RgvihRmyd5o

Lots of songs in that genre, like the Shaving Cream song. And this one from a friend of mine, that got played on the Dr. Demento show.

Or, more recently, I can't remember if I made this one up, or heard it from a comedian:

Mary had a little lamb,
the doctors were surprised.

That's from a song we sang in Girl Scouts

CHORUS: I'm going crazy, don't you wanna come along
I'm going crazy, just singing this song.

Once I had a little cat, and all she ate was yarn
And when those little kittens came, they came with sweaters on!

REPEAT CHORUS

Once I had a little dog, and all she ate was cans
And when those little puppies came, they came in four sedans!

REPEAT CHORUS

When Mary had a little lamb, the doctor was surprised.
When Old McDonald had a farm, the doctor nearly died!

REPEAT CHORUS

[wolfie]

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
Now she carries it to school
Between two slabs of bread

Now I'll tell you a tale
With which you're not acquainted
Mary had a little lamb
And then the doctor fainted

One from an old ('70s/'80s) MAD magazine piece about the economy

While walking past the butcher shop
The prices did not please her
Tonight she's having leg of lamb
The rest is in the freezer