Just want to vent

[Eireann]

As many of you know, my life fell apart several years ago. People dying. My steady work dried up. I had to move from an apartment into a single room in a house. And on and on.

At that time, I had very little to cheer me up, and I spent my days worrying about what was going to happen. I wondered if I would end up homeless. It was a horrible time.

I talked to my friends about it, and that's how I found out that some of them just didn't care. Hell of a way to find that out, but I guess that's just how it goes. One guy, though, seemed to care about what was happening. He came over to my place when I got the news that my mom had died, and sat and talked to me for some time. He helped me bury one of my cats when said kitty had to be put to sleep. Then he gave me a long hug.

I want to make it clear that I didn't have a romantic interest in him, and he didn't have one in me. I viewed him as a friend.

Then my other cat had to be put to sleep, and I was on the verge of ending it all. I chatted with him on Facebook about it. A lot.

Then, one day, he had had enough. He told me that my cat was "only a cat" and that I was "becoming too dependent".

I didn't chat with him about her after that. I only contacted him to ask when I could return some books he had lent me. He didn't answer, even though I sent, I think, three messages.

So I removed him from my list of Facebook friends, and from my Skype contacts.

Last year, I ran into him at my favorite hangout (said favorite hangout didn't exist at the time I was going through hell. It's only been around a couple of years). He walked up and said hello to me, and for a long moment, I didn't recognize him. Realization finally dawned on me, and I noticed that he was shaking. I didn't say much to him.

I've run into him a few times since then, always at this hangout. Just a quick hello on both sides.

The other night, I was at the hangout and he walked in and gave me a big smile. He came over and started chatting with me. I didn't say much, again. Later, when I was talking to one of the employees (it's the kind of place where you can chat with them when they aren't busy), this guy came along and interrupted to say that he was leaving, as if I cared.

I'm really pissed off by this. In the time since I saw him all those years ago, I've been through a lot of soul-searching, a lot of money worries, more than one urge to kill myself, and a truly shitty job where I was the manager's scapegoat. I've dropped a lot of weight, and I'm being treated for a condition that should have been treated ages ago. And I got here because I was supported by my REAL friends, the people who really DID care about me. I feel that this guy thinks he can just waltz in and have me accept him into my life without reservations. I also wonder if he thinks that, since I look better than I did then, he might have a shot at having more than a friendship with me.

Like I said, this pisses me off. I'm not glad to see him. I don't regard him as a friend. He's part of my past, not part of the present, and DEFINITELY not part of my future. Even when we were (or so I thought) friends, he used to bitch about not having a girlfriend. It was a common theme. Then he found a girlfriend, and they moved in together. Then he complained to me that she wanted to get married. Really, what did he expect? He also got really pissy when the women around him talked about men they found attractive. He would say sarcastically, "What, does he have big muscles, or something?"

I just feel that he views me as some sort of consolation prize. Thinner, looking better, hey, looks like she got her shit together, great! I can deal with her again! Wow! I think I'll just go interrupt her while she's talking to someone else!

I really don't want to confront him about this, but I will. I'm not going to have him thinking that he's welcome in my life now that things are starting to go well.

Vent. Vent. Vent.

[morgana]

I really don't want to confront him about this, but I will. I'm not going to have him thinking that he's welcome in my life now that things are starting to go well.

Personally, I'd just give him the chilly routine until he drops his guard and actually tries something. Then, give him both barrels. Maybe using as much as you remember/fits of what he told you.

Punishment fitting the crime, you know . . .

[Eireann]

Yeah, I thought it was obvious that I was blowing him off, but I guess not.

I'm still pissed off that he interrupted my conversation, and that I let him do it. I hope I won't run into him again, but if I do, and he tries it a second time, I'm just going to ignore him. Actually, I think putting in my earbuds and playing music would be a good way of letting him know how interested I am in having a conversation with him.

[Kit-Ginevra]

*hugs* from us

[Kittish]

So here's an angle you might not have considered: What if he blew up at you and stopped communicating because his own life went all to shit and hearing about your troubles was just too much for him to cope with on top of his own? What if his shaking when he spoke to you that first time in the hangout was because he was scared spitless that you'd blow him off, or chew him out because he knows he pulled a douche move and doesn't quite know how to apologize?

I think next time I saw the guy, I'd straight up ask him why he just stopped talking all those years ago, and now seems to want to re-open communications. Find out what's actually going on. If it turns out he's thinking maybe he has a chance to go beyond friends with the new, upgraded you, THEN blow him off.

[Eireann]

Kittish, I've thought of that, and I know that he had taken some hard emotional blows before my own life fell apart. If that were the case, he could have just said that he didn't feel he could listen to my problems, because things were going so badly in his own life. He could have suggested that I find a professional to talk with, rather than spending so much time on my own.

No, he didn't have to, and he was under no obligation to do so. It would have been easier for him, though, if he had. Then he could rest assured that I wasn't going to start up another chat about what was going wrong in my life. It was in his own best interests.

I'm no longer interested in why he stopped communicating with me. I was once, but not anymore. Maybe he was scared as to how I'd react to him. If so, too bad; I'm not here to tell him that all is well, and that his douche move wasn't a douche move. I thought we were friends, but his friendship is not the kind that interests me.

Those things that bothered me several years ago would bother me even more now - the pouting when women talk about attractive men, the complaints about not having a girlfriend, the complaining that the girlfriend he finally found actually wanted to marry him. Every time I've run into him at my favorite hangout, he's been alone, which leads me to believe that he's single - and, possibly, on the lookout for someone to date. I could be wrong, but if I am, it still doesn't change things. I just don't have any interest in reestablishing any kind of relationship with him.

[Kittish]

Fair enough.