Some abusers just don't quit

[Eireann]

You're probably right.

I did call a helpline, and the woman sounded confused about the whole thing. She told me that she didn't think anyone in the States had jurisdiction over the matter, and suggested asking at the American Embassy, as well as finding out what the law is here.

This is complicated.

[csquared]

Situations like yours make it hard to define were the offense is occurring.

You may want to consider contacting the police near where you think he lives. You may not be the only one he is harassing. If his name is not too common, a Google search may turn up an address. Got anyone who can help you locate him?

[Pixelated]

Would you like one of us to use our email as 'your new one?' Then you won't have to have any contact with him at all and perhaps the message might sink in if he thinks he's actually messaging you and it turns out to be the email of a large angry man...
Personally l think we should get a delegation from CS to inform him if he doesn't leave our lovely Eireann alone that he will face the collective wrath of CS which is mighty to behold...

I have a shit ton of email addies you are welcome to use, LOL. Alternately, you could create a brand-new email addy for the sole purpose of telling him to fuck off.

By all means, document, document, document, and report him to everybody and anybody. Facebook, for all its flaws, does not appreciate people using the platform to harass others.

As for directly ordering him to stop ... check what the legal requirements are. If you are not legally required to do so, DON'T. Given his repeated attempts to contact you, he is obviously looking for some kind of response ... any kind.

[Eireann]

Pixelated, a friend did a little digging around yesterday and found a possible residence for him - last year. I asked another friend if she knew where he's living now (not the address, just the city). She hasn't answered.

I am overwhelmed by the support I've been receiving. My friends here have been full of suggestions on what to do, and my friends on Facebook who still live in my hometown have shown me incredible kindness. I told one of my friends about the abuse this guy dished out so liberally to me when I was involved with him, and it was hard, because she had always seemed to regard him as a friend. She's a sweet, loving person, and I hadn't wanted her to know the truth about him.

Well. I sent her a long message on Facebook asking her not to tell him anything about me, and I explained why. She messaged me later to tell me that she would, if asked, act as if we were rarely in touch, and say that she had no idea in which country I was living. Rather than deny what I'd told her, or take an "Are you sure?" attitude, she let me know immediately that she would keep quiet about me and my whereabouts.

I sent a message to a domestic violence center in my home state, but since it's the weekend, I can't expect to hear back before the end of the day tomorrow, at the earliest. I've been thinking about this behavior from him, and it really is stalking. He's been trying to contact me for almost ten years now, and last Thursday, he messaged me twice, by email and on Facebook. That's stalking. That also shows a very disturbing level of fucked-up thinking.

If I were in my hometown right now, I'd be afraid to go out alone. Pixelated, I agree with you fully; he wants a response, and he's doing everything within his power to get one. And csquared, I tried running a criminal check on him, but you have to pay for all of them, even if they say you don't. It does appear that he has a police record, though.

[csquared]

I wasn't suggesting that you run a background check. Although, that may give you a current address, If more people report the behavior, the police will take the accusations more seriously.

[Eireann]

I wasn't suggesting that you run a background check. Although, that may give you a current address, If more people report the behavior, the police will take the accusations more seriously.

I know you weren't suggesting it; I did it in the hopes that it might yield his current address. I also discovered that he's MARRIED. I wonder if his wife knows he's been trying to force communication with a former "girlfriend" for almost ten years now, and that just a few days ago, he sneaked past a Facebook block AND emailed me the same day?

[Eireann]

Okay. I discovered that he has a personal page on Facebook, just under a different name. I blocked him under that name.

The message he sent me on my business page is back up; I don't know what happened to it in the meantime, but it's there again. When he sent me the message, the page sent an automatic response. He got very excited about this response, thinking I had sent it. His answer (in part) was "Yes!!!!!!!"

Not quite, asshole. I took screenshots of his messages and saved them to a folder I've created on my computer. He is shown as "Facebook user" - not by his real name, not by the name that he uses for his personal page. I clicked on "Facebook user", which took me to his real name, and I took a screenshot of that, too. I included the date and time in the screenshot (as well as the shots of the messages he sent).

[Pixelated]

*snip*

The message he sent me on my business page is back up; I don't know what happened to it in the meantime, but it's there again. When he sent me the message, the page sent an automatic response. He got very excited about this response, thinking I had sent it. His answer (in part) was "Yes!!!!!!!"

*snip*.

Which is confirmation -- not that you needed it -- that he is merely trying to force a reply out of you.

I wonder at what point he realized (if he's realized it yet) that it was a computer-generated auto-response and not you at all ... and what his reaction to that was.

Pixelated, a friend did a little digging around yesterday and found a possible residence for him - last year. I asked another friend if she knew where he's living now (not the address, just the city). She hasn't answered.

I am overwhelmed by the support I've been receiving. My friends here have been full of suggestions on what to do, and my friends on Facebook who still live in my hometown have shown me incredible kindness. I told one of my friends about the abuse this guy dished out so liberally to me when I was involved with him, and it was hard, because she had always seemed to regard him as a friend. She's a sweet, loving person, and I hadn't wanted her to know the truth about him.

Well. I sent her a long message on Facebook asking her not to tell him anything about me, and I explained why. She messaged me later to tell me that she would, if asked, act as if we were rarely in touch, and say that she had no idea in which country I was living. Rather than deny what I'd told her, or take an "Are you sure?" attitude, she let me know immediately that she would keep quiet about me and my whereabouts.

I sent a message to a domestic violence center in my home state, but since it's the weekend, I can't expect to hear back before the end of the day tomorrow, at the earliest. I've been thinking about this behavior from him, and it really is stalking. He's been trying to contact me for almost ten years now, and last Thursday, he messaged me twice, by email and on Facebook. That's stalking. That also shows a very disturbing level of fucked-up thinking.

If I were in my hometown right now, I'd be afraid to go out alone. Pixelated, I agree with you fully; he wants a response, and he's doing everything within his power to get one. And csquared, I tried running a criminal check on him, but you have to pay for all of them, even if they say you don't. It does appear that he has a police record, though.

We haz your back! And yes, it absolutely IS stalking. His repeated efforts to get you to respond, via every contact he can find for you, should not leave anybody in doubt.

VERY glad to hear you are not only out of your hometown but in another country!

Keep us updated!

[Eireann]

He knows by now that it's an automatic response. This is how he reacted:

"Oh... auto response.. sad"

I now know where he lives. One of my closest friends is completely pissed off about all this, and she's going to talk to the police (I'm not sure, but it sounded like she knows someone who is a police officer). I contacted an organization in my home state that works with victims of domestic violence, and I got an email yesterday from a woman who told me she'd forwarded my email to her colleague.

Just looking for resources is depressing. All domestic violence websites have a large "X" on them that a woman can click to take her to Google, so that if her partner comes along, it'll look like she's doing something else. (Yes, I know men are also victims of domestic violence; it's just that women form an enormous majority here.)

I called a helpline, and the woman's first words were, "Are you in immediate danger?"

It's so horrible to know that these organizations have to set things up like this. It's also wonderful to know that there are options.

As for my case, yes, I'm thousands of miles away from him. I wonder, though - what if I weren't? What if I were still living in my hometown, and he decided one day that he wanted to start with the abuse again? He fucked with my mind in every way he could; he lives to hurt other people. His actions have shown that he's not going to stop - so what if I were still in my hometown? Would he follow me to try to learn where I lived? Would he show up at my workplace? Would he just go online in an attempt to get my address? Hang around outside my residence?

He's very, very conniving, and he's skilled at making people believe he's a great guy. Something must have changed, though, because although his written words have not been threatening or sexual, the fact that he's been doing this shit for almost ten years shows that he really thinks he can get away with it. His actions show that he has no intention of stopping.

[Pixelated]

He knows by now that it's an automatic response. This is how he reacted:

"Oh... auto response.. sad"

Ha-ha on you, asshole ...

I now know where he lives. One of my closest friends is completely pissed off about all this, and she's going to talk to the police (I'm not sure, but it sounded like she knows someone who is a police officer). I contacted an organization in my home state that works with victims of domestic violence, and I got an email yesterday from a woman who told me she'd forwarded my email to her colleague.

Good to hear this. I think the law is really lagging behind reality in this sort of thing, but at least they are taking it seriously.

As for my case, yes, I'm thousands of miles away from him. I wonder, though - what if I weren't? What if I were still living in my hometown, and he decided one day that he wanted to start with the abuse again? He fucked with my mind in every way he could; he lives to hurt other people. His actions have shown that he's not going to stop - so what if I were still in my hometown? Would he follow me to try to learn where I lived? Would he show up at my workplace? Would he just go online in an attempt to get my address? Hang around outside my residence?

He's very, very conniving, and he's skilled at making people believe he's a great guy. Something must have changed, though, because although his written words have not been threatening or sexual, the fact that he's been doing this shit for almost ten years shows that he really thinks he can get away with it. His actions show that he has no intention of stopping.

If you were still within easy reach, yeah, he'd probably be trying to do all those things. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to get fixated on that ... you are NOT within reach and electronics are all he's got right now.

I suspect he thinks he can get away with it because so far there have been no heavy consequences to his actions. If some legal repercussions come down on his head, with the consequent fallout hitting his current marriage and his job and his social standing in general, that might change.

I'm wondering if his ISP is aware of all this. They generally don't appreciate somebody using their network to do illegal stuff.

[taxguykarl]

Fortunately, not only do I now live in another country, I live on another CONTINENT. He won't be showing up at my door.

Consider also contacting immigration in your new digs just to make sure.

[AccountingDrone]

would sending copies of all his attempts to get to you to his current wife do anything? I screwed over a guy trying to get me in the sack by sending a copy of him talking to me and telling me that he was separated and the divorce was just weeks away from being legalized, he had a high paying job and could 'take me away from working with a shitty band' and support me [he worked a moderately low paying warehouse job] and he loved to get away and travel the world [with 3 kids, um, nope ...] Pity I was doing a mike and recording check ... and knew he was married and could figure out where his wife was working ... never go for the strange locally, always go well out of town.

[Eireann]

I doubt that contacting his wife would help. Also, since I'm going to sic the law on him, I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize my case. As for his wife, he may well be abusing her, too, and if so, she's probably too afraid to say or do anything.

This guy used to hit me, but not in a way that I could complain to the police. He slapped my hand - hard, and it hurt, and he knew it hurt. He bruised me, and once raised a knot on the back of my hand. Each time he did it, he smiled. And he set me up so that he would have the opportunity to slap my hand.

At the time, though, I still thought he was, more or less, one of the good guys, and I thought that the slapping was just one of those things you don't like about the other person. After I came to realize what a shit he was (and is!), I didn't feel right going to the police. Women have been killed by their significant others; they've had bones broken and teeth knocked out; they've suffered brain damage; they've been scarred physically as well as emotionally. It didn't feel right to go to the police (especially since we were no longer together) and report him as an abuser because he'd done something so minor, as I saw it. And I felt that the police wouldn't take me seriously. I may well have been right.

AccountingDrone, one thing I did do was to download an app to my smartphone. When anyone calls me, a little recording icon appears on the screen. It doesn't seem likely that he'll go so far as to call me (I don't think my phone number is online, but I don't know), but if he does, I can record it. And my state allows phone calls to be recorded without the other party to the call being aware of it.

I'm taking full legal action against him. Not only is this harassment, it's an extension of the abuse he used to dish out on a regular basis. I now know his address, and I know his profession. I don't know where he works, but I have a pretty good idea.

[Victory Sabre]

I've got no advice for you. All I can say is that creep is a complete loser, and I'm glad you're a long ways away from him.

He gives us real men a bad name.

[XCashier]

I'm taking full legal action against him. Not only is this harassment, it's an extension of the abuse he used to dish out on a regular basis. I now know his address, and I know his profession. I don't know where he works, but I have a pretty good idea.

Good! Have you contacted his local police department and started a paper trail? I don't know if they could do much, considering you're in a different country now. But any and all legal bases should be covered. And who knows, one more report could be the one that nabs him.

If he mistreated you and previous girlfriends, he's probably mistreating his wife as well. I wouldn't involve her in it; he could find out and then do her serious harm.

You deserve justice, and this creep deserves everything he has coming. And when it finally comes, I hope it hits very hard.