Human Pinata, or How to Be a "Man."

[MystyGlyttyr]

Help, anybody? Even better, insight, anybody?

I remember reading something in a book once..."Only creatures who have souls worry about whether or not they have them." I thought it was deep.

Now, my version of this would be: "The only people who don't worry about something are the very ones who should." The folks who never worry about whether or not their car oil is almost empty or never worry about getting a payment made on time are the ones who are STUNNED when their car breaks down or their service gets shut off for nonpayment.

Hearing about your SO's behavior, both from her actions towards you and what you mention she does to her parents, it sounds less to me like it's anything you've actively done, and more her expectations of what might happen. It sounds almost like she's experienced abuse before, and might have seen one or two of the negative behaviors from you that you admit to and drawn the conclusion that you ARE abusive, so she's assumed the behavior she's seen the submissive partner assume to survive.

You mention that she seems to like them, yet never seems to talk to them, and is very worried about their feeling negatively towards her. Now I'm not saying flat out that perhaps her parents were either emotionally or somehow otherwise abusive, but there's a fine line and they could have been toeing it several times in a way that made a deep impact on her. Maybe she had a friend who she saw up close and personal in this situation. Maybe she's just an overly meek and worrisome individual who doesn't know exactly how to act in a relationship, or isn't completely comfortable with you yet.

There's a zillion reasons for her behavior, but from what I can tell, it's not because you're abusive. You're not perfect, no, but nobody is. I think (and I'm not a psychologist, I just play one on the Internet) that this is most probably just a massive miscommunication between the two of you. It'd probably be best for you to just sit down and flat out ask her if you make her uncomfortable or what. Just lay it out blunt, ask her, listen to her answer, and go from there.

And if she stammers and doesn't seem to know how to answer, then the answer she's trying to say is "Yes" and then you have to figure out why she's so uncomfortable as to not even be able to be honest with you.

But yeah, if you had to pick out certain things on the list and sort of try to make them fit, then you're not an abuser.

[Saydrah]

Mysty, I think that line was from the Tales of Mu web serial, wasn't it?

Sorry, I'll hide that fiction nerd-on, didn't realize it was showing.

[MystyGlyttyr]

Mysty, I think that line was from the Tales of Mu web serial, wasn't it?

Sorry, I'll hide that fiction nerd-on, didn't realize it was showing.

I think it was the Xanth novels, actually, but I couldn't say for certain. I read more books before I was ten than most people read in their entire lifetimes. A lot of them have run together at this point.

[Rapscallion]

Magician Humphrey from Xanth.

Rapscallion, slightly OT

[Saydrah]

Hehe.

Well then, if you haven't already beaten me to it, you might like this story:

http://www.talesofmu.com/story/bonus...all-about-soul

which is where I heard that.

[MadMike]

I am not, repeat NOT a Dear Abby fan (I'm a Dan Savage person), but she republishes at least once a year a column on the warning signs of an abuser, which I find to be very true

As some people know, I was in a relationship with someone who I describe, for lack of better words, as "evil." Looking back now, she exhibited many of these signs, particularly 2, 3, 4, 5 (didn't try to cut me off from family, just friends), 6 (definitely!), 7, 8, 11, 13, and 15.

I put up with that shit for six years. Actually, I got tired of it after three, but then my son came along, and we ended up staying together, until it got to the point where I couldn't even count on her to be around to take care of him while I was at work, and kicked her ass to the curb.

After I got free, I felt like I never wanted to get involved with anyone again.

[Saydrah]

Wow, Mike. Says a lot about you as a father that you put up with that for so long, and nobody could blame you for being a little sour on relationships after that.

[MadMike]

Wow, Mike. Says a lot about you as a father that you put up with that for so long, and nobody could blame you for being a little sour on relationships after that.

I'm glad someone understands. Other people couldn't, including someone who wanted nothing more than to find a guy to settle down with, get married, and have kids with. She couldn't seem to understand what I had been through, and why I never wanted to set myself up for that again, even if she wasn't like that.

[Jester]

Jester, I just hate being the one to tell you this, even though I have an idea that you've already figured it out.

She hasn't gone back to him just to leave. She's gone back to him.

I know. Trust me, I know. If it sounded like I wasn't sure, it was more that I was trying to explain the screwiness of her logic to her, not to myself. If that makes sense. (It's early, and I am SO not a morning person!

the warning signs of an abuser

Pedersen, just because you have a few things in your personality/makeup that fits the warning signs of an abuser does not mean you are one.

In both Saydrah's list and Eireann's, there are several points that could be said to fit me, some fairly, some not so, depending upon who you ask.

That being said, I am NOT an abuser. I am not perfect, and I certainly have my flaws (oh do I ever!), but while some things on the list fit me, I am not an abuser.

I don't know that you aren't one--you may be one of the few ones that are and recognize it and are trying to change--but my guess would be that you are not. While abusers will never admit they are abusers, and will go out of their way to justify, explain, and rationalize their behavior to other people outside the relationship, they rarely worry that they might be an abuser....they KNOW what is going on, more often than not.

Obviously, from this far away, and over the internet, none of us here can make a true psychological determination about you. But the fact that you are concerned about this is a good sign, whether you are an abuser or not. As has been suggested, talk to a mental health professional, both about yourself and the lady in question.

And good luck.

[DannyboyO1]

Help, anybody? Even better, insight, anybody?

Couple's counselling. You both need reassurance that you're not totally crazy, and that the other person isn't totally crazy. Just slightly

[RecoveringKinkoid]

You know, upon quite a bit of reflection about this thread, I've come to a rather ugly realization about the situation that I posted a link to earlier (woman and teenage daughter murdered by abusive boyfriend). My friend Maurice, the girl's dad and the woman's ex, is suing the LAPD, and rightly so. If two people go missing for a month and the cops can't even bother to look in the house where they are, even after several frantic tips, there's a problem. You can't leave a coupld of bodies to rot in a house for a month and do nothing. Nobody can understand why the cops were so slack. So, yeah. Lawsuit.

But looking back over all this, I understand now. They were sick and tired of hearing this stupid woman complain about her violent boyfriend. They were sick of going out to the house on domestic disputes. Cops hate domestic disputes, they are the most dangerous of all calls they have to go on. They were sick of putting themselves at risk for a woman who wouldn't leave her abuser, over and over and over. So they quit taking her seriously. They got tired of her crying "wolf."

And then when they got good and bored with her, and quit taking her seriously, the wolf came and killed her. And more tragically, killed her daughter.

The amount of horror, rage, and helplessness we all felt was so heavy to bear, so I can't believe I can now actually can see the point of view the cops probably felt while dealing with this.

I think a lot of abusers know this. If they can get someone to keep putting up with being abused, they probably know they can get away with continuing to do this. This guy that killed my friend's daughter obviously thought he could get away with murder. And he probably would have if Maurice hadn't badgered the cops for as long as he did.

So by going back to BB, TD is going to have that much more trouble if she thinks she's going to leave again. No friends, no cops. Now she really is stuck.

[Jester]

Sad, tragic update.............

Tiny Dancer is dead.

According to Big Boy, who was in a local restaurant this morning, last night while they were watching tv, she went into the bathroom, and when she didn't come back, he went and found her hanging.

Most people down here do not believe this for a moment, and it seems that the cops do not either. When I called the department that would deal with this, the officer told me that he could not discuss the case, could not even tell me if TD was alive or dead, but referred me to the detective in charge of the case.

In the homicide division.

He then asked me if I understood what he was telling me. Yes, I read between the lines.

The cops are apparently investigating BB for causing TD's death.

Personally, I don't care what they find out, whether she did do this by her own hand or whether he killed her and staged a suicide. As far as I and a lot of other people are concerned, this fucker caused her death no matter how it went down.

This is so sad. Predictable, certainly, but so sad. She was so close to getting away from him last month.

If you pray, say a prayer for Tiny Dancer. She is in a better place. Because no matter what you believe, getting away from that asshole is a better place.

Now, if you'll pardon me, I am going to go drink myself silly. It's either that or go downtown and kill random assholes, and I'd rather stay out of jail for the moment, thank you.

Rest in peace, darlin'. And know you were loved.

[Lil Bunny]

Oh Christ.

Jester, I don't even know what to say. Hell, I don't think there are words to express what I'm feeling right now.

If you need some hugs/good vibes sent your way, I'm on it. Becareful ok?

Oh, am praying for her as asked. Forgot that point.

[Talon]

I'm sorry about your friend Jester.

Regardless of how she died, I hope she finds the peace in death she never found in life.

[Saydrah]

I'm so sorry. You can't save everyone. As I said in messenger, don't beat yourself up- your niece needs all the love you can muster up to give right now as she recovers from her surgeries.

*HUGS*

Taking a few minutes of silence to remember her (though I didn't know her) and wish her well on whatever journey the parts of us that are not physical undertake after death.