Military Stories

[Nurian]

Stated in other threads, I used to be in the Army National Guard. I wasn't in for very long, but I still have stories from my Basic.

We were on the live grenade range, all decked out in flack vests and helmets. The guy ahead of me was ambidextrous who favored his left hand. He didn't want an L written on his helmet so he threw the practice grenade with his right. The sergeant took the two grenades he was holding and put one of them into his right hand. The kid was so nervous that when prompted, he pulled the pin, threw it...

..and dropped the grenade.

Sergeant yelled "GRENADE" and 261 privates hit the deck. He grabbed the kid, threw him out of the position. He then picked up the live grenade and threw it, then jumped on the kid to shield him from the shrapnel. The frag exploded a second after it left his hand. Needless to say, the kid failed this time.

So, who else has interesting/funny/amusing stories from the armed forces they'd like to share?

[RayvenQ]

I have one, from my grandfather told to my dad and by him me.

My Gradnfather, in WW2 was a Tank commander in the fabled Desert Rats (British 7th Armoured Division) Anyhow, they were travelling along, when suddenly the tank (he never did say which one to my father and he died before I was born) lurched and dropped, they'd hit a Wadi/Oued, because of the sudden stop and drop, my grandad who had his head out of the tank at the time slipped and dropped down into the tank, at that moment, there was a terrible screeching sound and turned and looked up to see that the hatch for the turret had been torn of its hinges.

Apparantley there'd be an enemy tank waiting in ambush, and it fired a AP round just as my Grandads tank had hit the Wadi, the AP shell just missed hitting the tank and instead tore the hatch off. They didn't get shot at again so the German tank must have done a runner once it saw it missed.

[Rapscallion]

My father was in the military. One of his tales is about the boxing matches they were forced to compete in. He had a bright idea of falling over with the first punch.

So did the other guy.

They were forced, with much mirth, to fight again...

Rapscallion

[draggar]

My wife's (late) grandfather had some great stories from WWII but none were humorous.

[SteverinoNY]

My grandfather told me a story one day of a particular fella who was the practical joker in his barracks during his days in basic training in El Paso, Texas in between WWII and Korea. This particular soldier decided it would be a good idea to put a rat trap in the platoon sergeant's boots and wait to see what happened in the AM. The particular sergeant put his boots on in the morning and was rudely awoken to say the least. Sgt. So and So was pretty pissed off to say the least (after all, you don't fuck with an Army Sgt) and demanded to know which one of the knuckleheads (his words) put the trap in his boots. No one stepped forward, so he took the whole barracks on a march thru the desert in full field pack (about 50-75 lb) and he ran the soldiers from morning until night. According to my grandfather, no one ever stepped forward and admitted to what he did.

[JoitheArtist]

My grandad served in the Army, in the South Pacific, during WWII. He was on an anti-aircraft gun, I think. We're still not sure how, but he made some amazing doilies from some old parachute cords.

[Rine]

My dad was stationed in Gitmo in the 70's doing ATC. He told me that there was a tank mine field near the base. Sometimes cows from the local pastures would get through the fence and set off a mine. He said that if you were fast enough, you could whip out some binoculars and see the cow flying through the air.

One day he and one other guy were in the tower and it was pretty much business as usual. They are just cleared a jet to land and weren't really paying much attention.

They heard a loud sound--kind of like an explosion, so excitedly, they pull out binoculars and set them on the mine fields, looking for the flying cow. They were very confused when they didn't see one.

A few seconds passed and then the heard on the radio..."Uh, tower should we respond to the crash?" (something to that effect.) They turn back to the runway to see that the jet had made a hard landing and was on fire. Luckily, the pilot was just fine.

I have loads of other stories from my parents days in the Navy, especially tales about Gitmo. I hear them all the time.

[draggar]

My best friend from high school did his tour in the air force (he called it the part timer's military).

He wasn't too motivated with it and always enjoyed wargames because his base was a primary target.

He'd email me:
"Hey Draggar, just to let you know, the USSR launched a massive attack against the US at approximately 05:00 CST. An estimated 25 megaton warhead was detonated about 5,000 feet above my base instantly atomizing everything within a 10 mile radius and torching everything within a 50 mile radius.

I'm doing fine considering my own demise. the suntan lotion didn't work too well but wow, we don't need lights at night anymore!"

Other times when they were testing the targeting systems on nukes. I'd get a call that night.
"Hey Draggar, how did you feel about noon today?"
"Fine, why?"
"I had a 50 megaton warhead pointed at your house"

[edible_hat]

My dad was in the air force reserve. On one of their training exercises they had a groundsheet type thing designed so that 2 of them together make a 2-man tent. So they had to team up and sleep 2 to a tent. The first night of this exercise, my dad let the other guy set up the tent. He put it on the flattest and softest piece of ground around, which was a dried up creek bed. That night it rained for the first time in 6 months in that area, of course the creek filled up in the middle of the night and they almost drowned. From then on, my dad always made sure he was the one that put up the tent.

[Nurian]

In Basic, we had one of "those guys". The ones who never straighten up and you wonder why they joined in the first place. I'll call him Pvt. Rock. Pvt. Rock never did anything right and after Hell Week, pretty much demanded to go home. They started the paperwork, but it takes week and he has to continue training until it's finalized.

So we're out on the M-16 range and he bounds up to me (because I'm the only one who talks to him. Why did I? I still don't know), says "Look!" and hands me his score card. It has one hole. The following ensued:

Me
Rock: Gomer Pyle only not funny
SM: My Squad mate

ME: Rock, did you bolo? (miss the target and fail)
Rock: No! All three hit! Look again!
ME: (I look. Sure enough, the hole wasn't perfect. You could barely see where three bullets went through.) ROCK, ARE YOU A ING MORON??
Rock: Huh?
ME: You can't shoot like this and expect to go home! They'll frog-march your ass through Basic and send you to SNIPER SCHOOL!
Rock: I WANNA GO HOME! (runs off bawling)
SM: Nurian, that was pretty mean.
ME: (shaking my head) He wants to go home. I want to help him do that. Would YOU trust him with a sniper rifle behind you?
SM: ... hell no.

[Diablo]

I'm standing watch at the bottom of a carrier. We had these things called High Pressure Units that acted like power steering for the engine throttles. They created a lot of pressure, think around 1700#. So one day, one of the little buggers develop a pin hole leak and is shooting highly flammable hydrolic fluid across the engine room. The actual hole was tiny and somehow the sucker didn't trip itself off. Just as I was about to direct my guys to secure the thing and do all the casualty actions, my upper level watch, a rather "special" individual decided in his wisdom to try and stop the leak with his finger tip. 1700# vs the human finger....any guess on which won that day? The fluid managed the break through his sink and in a fraction of a second, inflated his are with hydrolic fluid. Imagine if you will, in one split second, ripping all the skin of your hand and forearm. Needless to say he got a plane ride to a hospital in Germany a few hours later. They did manage to save the dudes arm but he had to get a full graft job. That was one of the dumbest things I ever saw someone do....

[Nurian]

What an idiot. Did he return or was he sent home after his trip to Germany?

[Diablo]

Never saw him again. Here's another story...

On a nuclear boat, radiation controls are incredibly important. We get these little things called TLD's that measure our exposure. Once a month we get them read. Now the national federal guideline for rad workers is basically your age in REM. We never get that. The closest I ever saw was this old mechanic we used to call "the human point source" who had something like 3.5 REM life time. He was off the Enterprise, better known as the "Mobile Chernobyl". We would actually get less radiation out at sea than the flight deck people cause we would go so long without seeing the sun light. You literally get more radiation from a international flight than you will working for a year at a nuclear power plant...

So onto the story...A young lady, an airdale that had went into our spaces to pump jet fuel had to leave the command cause she was pregnant. So she is informed that she needs to turn in her TLD for a read before she can leave. We need to know, especially cause she was pregnant how much exposure she had. So she turns in a TLD......that reads about 40+ Rem. As you can imagine, this caused a massive shit storm. This girl literally had more exposure than an entire division of nukes...what the hell? Turns out, she and the rest of her division had a TLD they had reported lost from about 7 or 8 years ago. Instead of getting their own like they are required, they would just pass this thing around whenever they needed to enter the space (We literally have physically removed people for trying to enter our space without proper monitoring equipment). Since the thing was never measured, it was never zeroed out. We literally had no freaking clue how much exposure any of their people had. We conduct an investigation and found out their their entire immediate command was in on this and that their Chiefs and Officers would use the same TLD to go down in the space rather than do what we spent literally hours teaching them on a regular basis. They informed us that the TLD is used to block radiation as long as they had one...?!?!? Think about that... So what does the command do? Send a bunch of our ELTs (Our guys that handle radiation controls) to mast and blame the entire thing on us for not preventing them from being so damn stupid.

[BethB]

My little bro told me this one. While away at boot camp, a division was nearing graduation but one fool screwed things up and got everyone in trouble. Big time apparently(the brother heard this third, fifth hand or such). We who have seen Full Metal Jacket remembers the scene where the group puts a bar of soap in a pillowcase and each has a turn at screw-up. Well this group of geniuses re-enact the scene...only instead of soap, they use their combination locks. Ugly mess and guess who wasn't getting out of bootcamp but headed for brig time.

I'm trying to remember if I had any memorable stories but most were while I wasn't on duty and most are not safe for innocent eyes.

[Bella_Vixen]

My wife's (late) grandfather had some great stories from WWII but none were humorous.

My great uncle was one of the ones who liberated concentration camps.

We weren't ever allowed to mention it, or even hint about it.

Many years later, he STILL had nightmares.