update

[JoitheArtist]

Hello all!

As some of you might remember, earlier in the year, I'd declared that my resolution for this year was to break my 26-year's silence about all the crap that goes on inside my head, and actually make some changes. Since this is one of my main online communities, I thought it was time to give ya'll an update.

Voices of Joi's insecurities: What?? Why are you posting this? No-one wants to hear about this crap!

Joi: Shut up, you. You've been in control long enough.

VoJI: C'mon, there are people here with way bigger problems right now, you don't need to share your little mental papercuts...

Joi: I said shut it, you!

Ahem.

So, for the past few weeks, I've been seeing a counselor. This is partly good, partly neutral, and partly awful. It's good, because I really am trying to be honest with her, and trying to get to the root of why I have nothing that even remotely resembles self-esteem. She really does want to help. It's neutral, because it's very VERY difficult for me to open up to her. That's not to say anything about her, but I have 26 years of ingrained habits of keeping my mouth shut, or deflecting answers with humor and sarcasm , and I'm very good at it. It's going to take a long time to get under the surface to the things that really matter. It's partly bad, because it's very very difficult for me to open up, and when I do, all those negative thoughts and feelings that I can keep down sometimes end up coming to the surface. I'm tired of living in the middle of that whirlwind.

Honestly, sometimes I still just want to go find a bridge to jump off of (NO, I'm not considering doing anything stupid--there's enough left of my rational brain to keep me from doing that). I feel like I'm just shrieking into the abyss, trying to keep from falling in, and everyone around me just walks by without noticing, as if that scream was no more than a whisper. But then, I'm not sure how much I'd really want them to take notice--after all, I'm not worth that kind of attention.

So....yeah. That's where things stand these days. I'm channeling my innate stubborness into sticking with the counseling--even though it seems like there's little or no progress, I know that real progress can take months or years. We'll see how things go. I'm still hanging in there, just barely.

Hope you don't mind me spilling my guts just a bit here.

[taurinejunkie]

Hey. I also have pretty terrible issues with self-esteem. Mine isn't always down, but it plays yoyo a lot, and seems to be down more often, longer and further than it is up. I did seek some help, but ended up saying f**k it, they can't help me. I'm still not sure anyone, even myself, can help; but there's still one ember of hope left. The problem is that I have no idea where in this messed-up world the ember of hope is.

[dalesys]

I did a fair amount of counseling & therapy and one of the things I found was that the things that seemed too ridiculously simple and obvious to ever work... actually did, if I just did them and kept on doing them.

Put on your snazziest pair of disbelief suspenders, and dance...

[Evil Queen]

Hope you don't mind me spilling my guts just a bit here.

....ew.... Joi, I think I stepped on your intestine...

Felt there needed to be some humour there. Want some cookies?

*gives*

[Amethyst Hunter]

little mental papercuts

I like this.

I have 26 years of ingrained habits of keeping my mouth shut, or deflecting answers with humor and sarcasm , and I'm very good at it.

I have 32 years. It ain't easy, that's for damn sure.

Honestly, sometimes I still just want to go find a bridge to jump off of (NO, I'm not considering doing anything stupid--there's enough left of my rational brain to keep me from doing that)

Yeah, I get those kinds of thoughts too. I'm somewhat amazed that I'm still hanging around, but my thought is that a) curiosity is my downfall so I probably just want to see what comes next, and b) I'm a stubborn cuss. It's kind of like a yo-yo, albeit one that moves at a snail's pace.

Good luck with the counseling.

[Der Cute]

Self esteem is interesting.
It seems that the more you have it, the less you notice about it? When I'm feeling low, I'm like slug-belly height. And I sure as heck know it. But when I'm not feeling that low - I'm pretty good, balanced, happy, and it shows. (tune the Happy and You Know It song here).

But yeah, it's not easy. I've also got old old roots that constrain/fiddle with my behavior. It's so ingrained, it's not funny. Well, sort of.

About a year ago, I was working at a place for a giant huge software company. This place was brand new, like, no carpet yet new, and the people running it were IMO neurotic worrymeisters. That worrying fed down to the boss I had. And, he was a micro manager. The guy actually told us to not change the channel in the lounge room during our breaks or lunches, because he didn't want Big Company to be offended. Mr. Micromanager put evil amounts of stress on me. I wasn't handling it very well, at all. Strangely enough, his name was the same as my father's name. He also was short, like my dad, and had same color hair. I was literally having flashbacks to my childhood. It was NOT PRETTY. The childhood root of insecurity via micromanagement had been quite well hidden - til this. Once Mr. Micromanager was there, it erased my confidence, the procedures were way too much like me being a kid again, and it got me all F-d Up.

Even a year later, now, I'm still feeling the effects of this. I'm STILL insecure - Mr. Micromanager eroded what I had.

But doing all this, living a year later? I'm realizing I can't go back into childhood and whack my dad over the head with a frying pan. I can't fix HIM and HIS ISSUES that Screwed Me Up As A Kid. I have to realize the old issue of me, See what it causes, then Behave Differently. And that's the hardest part. Because to me, it's A + B = C. Society wants Q, not C. Argh. So Q - C = V....meaning I have to A + B = (C +V) = Q.

Go to coping.org. Got some good stuff there, if you're ready to poke Psyche a little bit.

Cutenoob

[Amethyst Hunter]

A + B = C. Society wants Q, not C. Argh. So Q - C = V....meaning I have to A + B = (C +V) = Q.

Sorry, I flunked math...

[JoitheArtist]

....ew.... Joi, I think I stepped on your intestine...

Felt there needed to be some humour there. Want some cookies?

*gives*

Cookies! Yes, I needed that. Right now, the little voices are screaming at me because I *gasp* picked the wrong color dress for the Ren Faire! Gah. Stupid little voices. Sigh.

Fortunately, all of my friends have been VERY supportive, and I was about to get up the gumption to tell two of my main communities what was going on, so that's good. Simply being able to talk about what's going on is a HUGE step forward. So that's hopeful, anyway.

[RayvenQ]

Joi, I can give you therapy

*Points to Punching bag*

Have at it

I know what you mean about keeping your mouth shut about stuff though, I do it too.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Sorry, I flunked math...

Haha! Math is the reason I majored in English

Joi, good luck. I've never done therapy, but you gotta work through the awful parts if it's gonna be worth anything...if there werent' bad things you wouldn't need therapy, right?

[Shards]

Well, speaking as the freak who genuinely enjoyed math, I feel I should point out that the proper way to illustrate what was trying to be said is ( A + B ) + V = Q, and that the way it was written before is not a properly balanced set of equations.

I would also like to say good luck to Joi. Stick with counciling, it can work, but the reason it works is because it helps you realize what you need to work on. The councilor can give you advice as to what you need to do, and can let you pour things out until you realize yourself what you need to do, but if you really want to get better, you can only do it yourself.

[JoitheArtist]

I would also like to say good luck to Joi. Stick with counciling, it can work, but the reason it works is because it helps you realize what you need to work on. The councilor can give you advice as to what you need to do, and can let you pour things out until you realize yourself what you need to do, but if you really want to get better, you can only do it yourself.

I've discovered that it doesn't seem to be so much anything the counselor says that might help, but simply the fact that I have to be somewhere, opening up to someone, once a week, every week. I'm already fairly self-aware, but this is bringing a lot of stuff into the light. Listening to myself talk has made me think about things that I think or assume. Right now, it's mostly negative: there's a lot of junk to bring up before the healing can begin. But it's a start.

And thank you all for listening, and not thinking I'm a total weakling for needing counseling.

[Jester]

Joi, you're not nearly as weak as you think or perceive that you are. Soon you will realize that as well.

As in the past, my PM/email door is always open.

[Shangri-laschild]

I've discovered that it doesn't seem to be so much anything the counselor says that might help, but simply the fact that I have to be somewhere, opening up to someone, once a week, every week. I'm already fairly self-aware, but this is bringing a lot of stuff into the light. Listening to myself talk has made me think about things that I think or assume. Right now, it's mostly negative: there's a lot of junk to bring up before the healing can begin. But it's a start.

And thank you all for listening, and not thinking I'm a total weakling for needing counseling.

I spent years just covering stuff with a bandaid. About 2 years ago I finally started seeing a therapist. Your reasons for what aspect of it helps is the same reason I've found it to help. Opening up at the beginning sucks. There's only one other person I have ever completely opened up to. I still have days where if I'm in a bad mood, I don't want to go because it makes it harder to talk. And I'm not always good at telling her about bad stuff that's bugging me till it's not as big of a thing in my mind. But for the most part it's getting a lot better. And it's getting easier to go even when I know it's going to be hard. I'm glad you managed to find someone who you match up well with. Needing counseling isn't weak. The simple fact that you're doing it makes you not weak. It takes a lot more guts to figure out what you don't like about yourself and change it instead of just putting bandaids over things and just deal.

[Ghel]

And thank you all for listening, and not thinking I'm a total weakling for needing counseling.

I'm going to join the others here in saying that you certainly are NOT weak for seeking counseling. In fact, I think it shows how brave and strong you are to face your issues, to open up to a counselor.

As someone who dealt with depression as a teenager (I'm doing much better now), I know how difficult it can be to vocalize how you feel. I also know how important it is to have a qualified counselor. My issues were not helped by my mother dragging me to volunteer religious "counselors" at our church. I hope you have better luck with yours.