I'm so confused. Need anwers. (Long)

[Seshat]

Roommate is so ashame, helps pay for my ID, takes me to lunch. I was mad, but I didn't completly blame her. She was drunk.
My mom had other words, but held them in check for the most part.

She freely chose to do it. Therefore it is her choice, her responsibility, not allowed to be part of the current discussion. (See my .sig).

Now, little bit ago, A very close friend told me she was going to visit me. Since she out of state, she'll be here for 2 weeks. I'm estactic. Mom cool, and wants it to happen. She been hoping I get a close friend like her for a very long time.

I do a dumbass move, and tell girl its ok, before telling roomate. I made a mistake.

OMG, you're human?

But roomate isn't having any of it, and gave us all the silent treatment. I tried talking to her, and got very polite terse talkings.

Okay, you made a mistake. I'm presuming you attempted to come up with some sort of compromise situation, but she was unwilling to be reasonable.

She complaining about having to get my ID. She complaing about taking me to lunch. I TRIED TO FORCE HER NOT TO PAY! I didn't want it! IT WASNT HER FAULT. But she wouldn't have it, and when you have an angry woman, its best to do what they say.

Some people do such things in an attempt to build up ... well, I call them 'manipulation points'. I have learned not to allow that - I have learned to accept people's freely made decisions as just that, and will in fact call people on it if necessary.

I'm not saying that this is what's happened here. I don't know the people or the situation. However, that is what might be happening here.

I don't understand. I'm trying to figure out why she became such a well, BITCH?!
. . .
I still can't feel like this isn't my fault, because why would she complain about doing that? That was the starting of the downfall of how she treated us
. . .
But now, I hear her complaining. I just don't get it. I feel guilty. Mom happy. Everyone is happy. Except me. Even Sue doesn't seem to happy.
. . .
I'm just confused. I don't know what to make of it.

Again, I am not saying that the roommate is a manipulator, but I'm going to talk about manipulative people to let you know what might be happening.

When a manipulative person doesn't get their own way, they will strive to make the person who isn't giving it to them feel like a heel. They'll dredge up past incidents, they'll magnify the importance of mistakes, they'll disregard or discount past things that the victim did that benefitted them.

They'll do whatever it takes to try to undermine the victim. If they can't get the victim to do what they want, they'll still try to make the victim feel horrible. If they can do it while making themselves look good, that's even better. If they can make themselves into the martyr, who does Nice Things for the victim, while the victim is the Bad Guy who did This Horrible Thing To Me, that's best of all.

And the manipulator might even come to believe that themselves! The manipulator can, as near as I can tell, actually forget the objective truth, seeing only their subjective, highly invalid version.


There's also an innocent (or at least totally subconscious) version of this sort of thing, that happens when someone changes. People get used to patterns of relationships. Dad is always the dominant one, Mum is always the carer, Big Sis is the Golden Girl, Middle Brother is the Sporting Hero, Baby Brother is the Child.

Then Baby Brother grows up, wants to stop being the Child of the family, starts acting like an adult. And everyone else's relationship to Baby Brother has to change, and they resist that. There might be arguments, there'll certainly be stresses in the entire family relationship. If Baby Brother sticks to it, though, and everyone's adult and reasonable about it, eventually the family will reform around the new relationship dynamics and be fine.

However, in the middle of that change, it can look almost identical to the Manipulator situations. The big difference is that this is trying to preserve relationship dynamics, keeping everyone in their comfort zones; rather than being an attempt to make the situation benefit the Manipulator. And once things settle, in the relationship-dynamics thing, everyone is healthy and the relationships are healthy. Whereas if the victim gives in to the manipulator, the victim ends up suffering to the manipulator's benefit.


.... anyway, the purpose for all that was to give you some information, to let you decide: is it possible that you're being Manipulated into feeling guilty? Is it possible that all of this is just her trying to use you? And your guilt is being manufactured?

If so... then you should get angry, and let the anger burn away the guilt. Then go ahead and use the anger-energy to do something. Use it to find the -perfect- apartment for you and your Mum, with this woman left entirely out to fend for herself. Write her out of your lives, and be done with her.

[Jester]

I have to chime in yet again. Unless it is her place (and I do not believe it is), she does not have any right to tell you that you can't have people over, unless the three of you had such rules in place prior to this. Considering she had people over herself, I am going to guess that that is not the case.

Only once have I ever "banned" a roommate from having people over, and that was with cause....one of his friends helped himself to $300 out of another roommate's bedroom. So for a short while, that roommate was told he could not have people over until a few things got sorted out. He agreed to the ban, recognizing that that was fair, and agreed to repay the burgled roommate out of his own pocket, as his "friend" had left town.

This, however, was an extreme example. Generally speaking, no one roommate has the right to unilaterally tell another what they can and cannot do. Poppycock! I say.

[Geek King]

It could also be displaced emotions. Your roomie knows she did something stupid, and you were hurt by her actions. She feels terrible, but has no one to blame but herself. Now, people generally don't handle being the bad guy very well, so roomie gets mad at the person she thinks is causing the bad feelings--you. After all, in her mind, if your wallet hadn't been stolen, she wouldn't feel bad about it. Not rational or fair, but some people get caught in that mental trap. Hopefully she'll finally get a clue and stop blaming you for something that was not your fault whatsoever.

[Plaidman]

Thank you all. Roomate is almost gone. Mom is getting super excited and happy, and repeatedly tells me not to worry, blah blah. I did stop blaming myself. Its still confusing why it all happened to me, but at least I can move on now.


Thank you all again.

And yes, McGoddess is my girlfriend. I love her.

[sportsmom]

Slash her throat! Eat her eyes! STEAL HER SHOES!!!

But what if she has ugly shoes? Seriously? Or they could be the wrong size.



Dude, let the loser go and don't look back. She has some real issues if she can't get over it, and you guys are better off without her.