I really hope this is the dark before the dawn..

[JoitheArtist]

....but it sure as hell feels like midnight.

(incidentally, if you guys are tired of my updates on this, please feel free to tell me to knock it off. I really won't be offended, I promise.)

I'm so tired of people trying to console me with the promise that counseling makes everything feel worse for awhile, but it really means that progress is being made. I don't care that my counselor is happy that we've finally found one of my major issues. I don't fucking care.

It turns out that anytime I think about, or try to talk to her about, the idea of self-worth, I go into a deep depression for the better part of a week. For the last three days, it's been a major battle not to start slicing up my arms again. So far, I haven't, but it's a battle I'm very tired of fighting, especially when I know that hurting myself would bring a bit of relief, at least for awhile.

I'm just so sick and tired of struggling to reach the place most people start from. I'm tired of not being able to get "better" for my friends. I'm tired of pretending to be normal at work when all I want to do is crawl under my desk and scream. I'm just...tired.

Thanks for anyone who listened. I'll be ok in the morning--just need to let it out somewhere sometimes.

[goldaries13]

*hugs* I'm not going to say I know how you feel, but I've been in similar straits at a few points in my life. Sometimes the healing hurts more than the actual hurting does. I've had days where all my issues seem to creep up at once, and more than once I've retreated to my bed for a few days (never more than three; The Dane has a saying he stole from somewhere: "two days in bed is healing; three is dangerous").

I'm here if you need to talk.

[spark]

I know a little bit what you mean. It's frustrating to me especially because I'll have a good day, and things seem so great and amazing, and then halfway through I remember that no, this is just "normal", this is how I used to feel all the time, it only seems so terrific by comparison to the bad days. And that frustrates the heck out of me, to think that at one point I used to mostly have good days, and feeling despressed and horrible and like there's no point in even getting out of bed used to almost never happen, and now that's how every day is, and it's just about enough to drive me crazy, except I think I don't have enough energy left to go crazy. (Or crazy-er, anyhow, I think I'm already crazy.)

And then you feel guilty about it, because you need support, and because it seems like you're always dragging down the people around you, and your friends are probably tired of listening to you fall apart all over them all the time, but of course feeling guilty only makes you more depressed, and it goes 'round and 'round downhill. Bleah.

It probably doesn't help just to know that other people are down like that too, but if there was anything I could do other than commiserating with you, I totally would. Nobody should have to feel like that.

[ArcticChicken]

I can't really think of something to say that's not sappy and/or one of those things you're sick of hearing.

I don't know what you're going through. I'm in something of a bad place myself right now, but it's not as bad as the place you're in. That being said, I'm usually awake when you make these posts, and if you want to talk to a live person, I'd be happy to give you my phone number.

[Miyon]

Im sorry I dont know more of the details of why you feeling this way but I can say I know about that feeling. I have severe depression and am a cutter also. I am currently on disability because I get so stressed at work I end up in the hospital and then lose my job. Happened 3 times so far.

If you ever want to chat with me, someone that possibilty knows what your feeling, email me. miyonheart@hotmail.com.
I dont know if there is a rule about posting emails. if so let me know and Ill edit it out.

[Rapscallion]

I dont know if there is a rule about posting emails. if so let me know and Ill edit it out.

Posting your own email is at your own risk - spiders crawl the 'net for them and send spam. I suggest PMing it to avoid increasing the amount of adverts you get for pills etc.

Rapscallion

[Der Cute]

A relative of mine reminded me not too long ago about personal issues:

When they're boxed away for a long time, you forget you have them. And little by little, you gradually grow up and work your way towards fixing them. That's good. Expect ....burps. Like the fizz in a soda. You have a breakthrough - you cry, bawl, whine and get up the next day - that bubble of anguish and hurt and issue is gone.

The bubbles sneak up on you. When you haven't had a big one in awhile - you'll start getting little ones. You feel icky mentally. Someone on the sidewalk reminds you of your parents. Which brings up bad memories. Which then you deal with a little bit - from the skills you learn in counselling. Small burp. When a counselor brings up something big and nasty- you work on it, but damn it's big. And it's not fun, it hurts, and it's ........lighter.....once you deal with a lot of it.

Just think of the bubbles you see in a cup of soda. That carbonation, all different speeds and sizes, are the issues we've got in our heads.
And yeah, sometimes you want to add vodka to the soda to shut those bubbles up. Don't.

I still have crap to deal with. But, I can recognize a burp/bubble when it's coming, and I'll actually be thankful AFTER. Not during the crying part.

Cutenoob

[Pairou]

I'm pretty surprised to read that post about the bubbles- a big, big one is in the process of bursting on me as I type this. I haven't been to counseling in years though, since there isn't any available to me at the moment. (I have also decided to throw out my blades; after slipping back for the first time in months and months, I don't feel so safe with them around.)

Eep, talk about revealing. Stay safe and feel free to PM~...

[Andara Bledin]

(I have also decided to throw out my blades; after slipping back for the first time in months and months, I don't feel so safe with them around.)

Good for you for recognizing a potential hazard and taking what steps you can to remove it from your environment.

I read these stories about people who suffer with depression, and it tears me up inside 'cause I want to do something to help, but other than a sympathetic ear, I've got nothing.

^-.-^

[Pairou]

It's okay not to be able to do anything else- I'm of the opinion that offering to listen, without judging, goes a looong way. We all do that on this forum a lot. :]

[RootedPhoenix]

It's okay not to be able to do anything else- I'm of the opinion that offering to listen, without judging, goes a looong way. We all do that on this forum a lot. :]

That's the basis of all the best friendships, that nonjudgmental listening.

Sometimes I hate it when someone is just listening in order to fix me. Don't fix me, LISTEN. I mean, solutions are cool, but if you listen, I'll get the space to find my own.

I get my own temptations for self-harm. Awful. Truly awful stuff. I'm lucky I don't like bladed objects. Or pills..or any one of a heap of other things I could hurt myself with. Truly.

I'm here if someone (anyone!) should need me. My PM box is open, and I've got contact info in my profile for a bunch of other places.

Nobody should be alone in this.

[Nyoibo]

Reading this just made me realise I haven't talked to anyone about any issues I have for 2 years.

I've also not cried in 2 years either, I'm sure that's not healthy.