Dating advice; am I being too sensitive?

[Gravekeeper]

I dunno. I mean, I poke fun at Nurse Betty for being short (she's 5'1"), and I am all of 5'8". That is just the way we are.

Yes, exactly, the way you are. Now if you knew Nurse Betty was really sensitive about her height/weight/face/mole on her right buttock that looks sort of like Colonel Sanders, would you make fun of it? No. That would be dickish. Besides, its not like she snapped on him. She actually asked him rather honestly to cut it out. If he's bent out of shape over that, than he's being too sensitive frankly.

Kind of damned either way, to be honest. If he's bent up of shape because she directly told him how she feels. Imagine how snitty he'd get if she said nothing and just gave him Signs(tm).

If they've been going out for 4 months, I doubt he's not aware that she's sensitive about it. You don't jab someone in their weak spot for massive damage. That only applies to giant crabs.

Sides, incessant teasing of a depreciating form ( Especially over physical appearance of all things ) from a loved one is going to naggle anyone eventually.

[Shards]

Actually, GK, with my personal experience with girls who are serious and overly-sensitive, it took me over 8 months to figure out what all was off-limits and what wasn't, because she sent the same signs (tm) either way, and she wouldn't bloody be frank with me. If there are a few things about you that are off-limits, I may not agree, but I understand and I'll leave you alone. If everything about you is off-limits, then we'll both be happier if we walk away, because I am not dancing around every issue.

[Gravekeeper]

Actually, GK, with my personal experience with girls who are serious and overly-sensitive, it took me over 8 months to figure out what all was off-limits and what wasn't, because she sent the same signs (tm) either way, and she wouldn't bloody be frank with me. If there are a few things about you that are off-limits, I may not agree, but I understand and I'll leave you alone. If everything about you is off-limits, then we'll both be happier if we walk away, because I am not dancing around every issue.

Exactly. Hence my point. He should be damn thankful she was up front and direct with him about her feelings as not a lot of people are in relationships it seems. I've been in relationships with the Mystery Timebomb(tm) before too. Not that I was teasing her or anything, just that you never knew who or what would set her off and she'd never tell anyone. She'd just quietly let it fester till she tore their face off one day over a completely unrelated matter. Or tore my face off one day about something someone else was doing ( Fun times! ).

Yet this guy is complaining that CN told him up front? Foolish man child! Thank the stars that you're being given clear guidance your primitive mind can comprehend. >.>

[Shards]

It sounds to me like he's more complaining about how many things are off limits, not the fact that she's telling him.

I think the big problem isn't the way in which he is finding out so much as the thing he's finding out. He's finding out that a girl he apparently likes, having been with her for four months, isn't willing to hear his humor. It's a rough thing to accept. That's one of the main reasons my ex-fiance and I broke up.

Just as an example of the crap my friends and I give each other, which I get the feeling CN would be livid about from the word go: My official nick name is "Sadistic Bastard" (Overly blunt and an illegitimate child). My best friend, as I said, is "Midget." Our other friends in the group are "Pinko Asshole," (The only decidedly liberal member of the group) "Pretentious Douche," (our group film major) various Eastern European racial slurs (Group newbie, who is of Russian descent, and called himself by the slurs first, before we started doing it, too), and "Uber-Nerd." (The guy who roleplays the most academic characters in our D&D groups). That's just the friends I see every week.

[Gravekeeper]

It sounds to me like he's more complaining about how many things are off limits, not the fact that she's telling him.

I dunno, if your entire sense of humour is based around finding things in your girlfriend's physical appearance and motor skills to make fun of a daily basis than you're still kind of a douche, heh. That can't be his entire sense of humour nor should it bother him so much when its made off limits. I mean, its off limits because his hurting her feelings. Why is that not a good enough reason to lay off? -.-

Honestly, friends are a different matter entirely. Me and my friends are always ribbing each other. But I'm not in love with nor sleeping with any of them so there's a difference in the amount of......acceptable tact, I guess you could say. I poke fun at coworkers too on occasion.

But its never over anything personal like physical appearance.

Ah, the Off Topic forum. Pages worth of psycho-analyzing by complete strangers at the touch of a button. ^^

[JoitheArtist]

Ah, the Off Topic forum. Pages worth of psycho-analyzing by complete strangers at the touch of a button. ^^

As opposed to paying a complete stranger $100 per session to take longer to tell you the same things? Most of the advice in Off Topic seems pretty decent to me; at any rate, everyone gets to present lots of different views on the subjects.

[Gravekeeper]

As opposed to paying a complete stranger $100 per session to take longer to tell you the same things? Most of the advice in Off Topic seems pretty decent to me; at any rate, everyone gets to present lots of different views on the subjects.

Well, I never said we weren't good at it. ^^

Also free. Free is helpful.

[Der Cute]

Did anyone say Free? Huh? *ears perk up*

Guys, Shard and GK - you both have some good good points.

Shard said this:

I think the big problem isn't the way in which he is finding out so much as the thing he's finding out. He's finding out that a girl he apparently likes, having been with her for four months, isn't willing to hear his humor.

I think that's close. Because after we left the bikestore, I told him - I'm tired of you making fun of my height.. And his reply was "I cant find things to play with you about I never know what you'll be offended on!!" (that's where I got that list of ethnic group/size/other issues)

I care about him. He's treated me like a queen - always been interested in making me pleased/happy, making sure I'm comfortable.

I really don't believe in making fun of ethnic groups of people - I've always been sensitive about that. (hated hearing people say Jap Crap, for example). I don't care if you're from Country of Strange Place - as long as you're nice to me, I'm cool. And your Country has some interesting customs, I bet!

I'm TIRED of the short stuff. Been hearing it since I was in HS (FFS, I was 3 foot 11 - didn't even reach 4 foot before I got into HS. )

And those two together, make me think - immaturity, immature 14 year old humor.

With the photoshoot problem, it was attention. He wants attention a lot. There are times when I'm doing something, and really - LET ME FINISH IT BEFORE YOU START POKING ME. I enjoy having time alone. I enjoy having time with J. But when I'm in Alone spot, it's hard? to change gears and get into JTime.
Does this make sense?

He doesn't make fun of my E, thank GORD. He's still a bit uneducated/ignorant about it (most people without E are tbh) and I have to teach him stuff about it.
But he comes close when he hollers "SPEHSHUL" making fun of some of his neighbors. (they're functional adults, but not 100% if you know what I mean).

How do I get this across to him - I care, but stop the short stuff, and when I'm in the zone, leave me be - I do come up for air and I DO pay attention to you. Back off somewhat!

Cutenoob

[Der Cute]

Just as an example of the crap my friends and I give each other, which I get the feeling CN would be livid about from the word go: My official nick name is "Sadistic Bastard" (Overly blunt and an illegitimate child). My best friend, as I said, is "Midget." Our other friends in the group are "Pinko Asshole," (The only decidedly liberal member of the group) "Pretentious Douche," (our group film major) various Eastern European racial slurs (Group newbie, who is of Russian descent, and called himself by the slurs first, before we started doing it, too), and "Uber-Nerd." (The guy who roleplays the most academic characters in our D&D groups). That's just the friends I see every week.

I'd raise an eyebrow, and ask you where they came from, out of curiousness - and then laugh at how yalls put those names together. And shouldn't your name be Sarcastic Bastard?

BTW any time I read /hear Pinko - I keep thinking Pinky. Little Finger Pinky. Weird.

Cutenoob

[Mike Taylor]

His retort was " I never know what to play with you anymore, I'm always on pins and needles around you, I can never tell what you're going to laugh at!"

Just based on these words alone, I don't think he's being malicious but that he is genuinely baffled by your reaction. While he could stand to be way more sensitive about how you react to those words, you need to develop the ability to differentiate between things said in harmless jest and things said out of pure meanness. It took me several years to do that, being that I was mocked and teased by classmates mercilessly for years. I was teased for being tall, skinny, and liking science fiction. Because I grew up in the South and hated sports, I was also taunted for being gay (which I am not). People find any number of things about other people to make fun of. The key is in how you let it affect you. You need to face your insecurities and overcome them. Are you gonna go curl up in a corner and die or find a way to draw strength from them?

One of the steps in accomplishing that is making fun of yourself and laughing at yourself. You can take control of your insecurities in that way. How? Well, after a while it takes the sting out of other people's words since you've already come up with the best stuff and the replies.

So, you're short, Japanese, a computer tech, and an epileptic. Find the humor in being all of those things and you'll be just fine.

[Gravekeeper]

But he comes close when he hollers "SPEHSHUL" making fun of some of his neighbors. (they're functional adults, but not 100% if you know what I mean).

Wow, ok that careens him from kind of dickish to full on asshole territory for me, sorry. =/

[Jester]

Now if you knew Nurse Betty was really sensitive about her height/weight/face/mole on her right buttock that looks sort of like Colonel Sanders, would you make fun of it? No. That would be dickish.

How the hell did you know about that mole?!?

Seriously, you are right, of course. Well, partly. No, she doesn't give two shits about me poking fun at her being vertically challenged.

However, there is something else that I just can't stop doing that probably is pretty dickish. Nurse Betty, you see, is normally a jealous woman. I have no room in my life for unnecessary jealousy. I have a lot of female friends. Being jealous of them is completely ridiculous to me. She actually doesn't have an issue with that. However, the dickish thing I do is occasionally intentionally bait her with things I know she will get jealous about. To wit, yesterday on the party boat, my "date" (the girl who was my one allowed guest) was a very attractive brunette, and I made a point of saying something to Nurse Betty about that. Yeah, she got kind of annoyed with me. No, I should not have done that. Yes, it is dickish. BUT I JUST CAN'T HELP MYSELF!

But I am trying to stop with the baiting, as she pointed out that it is really not nice for me to play on her insecurities. As you would say, it's dickish. My problem is not that I am a dick (usually). It's that what I see as poking fun harmlessly isn't harmless to her, and I sometimes forget that the way I see the world is not the way she sees the world. (And alcohol often plays a role in all of this.....) So perhaps Cutenoob's boyfriend is the same way. He's not a dick by nature....he just sees things differently than Cutenoob does and doesn't realize that her perceptions are different.

Ah, the Off Topic forum. Pages worth of psycho-analyzing by complete strangers at the touch of a button.

It seems to work for so many. And....there's no malpractice!

[spark]

Heh.

My take on this.

I don't think he was being a jerk by doing it in the first place. But continuing to do it after he knows how much you dislike it is a bit... dickish.

Maybe he's not quite full on over into "I am a gigantic dick" territory, but... if he can't learn to not poke at sore spots, and you can't learn to grow a thick skin and not care, then maybe you and he are just not compatible. Not that you should break up on the advice of people on the internet (usually a bad idea, that) but it's something to consider if this keeps happening.

[AdminAssistant]

...dickish.

I like that, I'm gonna keep it.

Actually, it describes most of what BT did that irritated me. Not all that bad, just a bit...dickish.

[Slytovhand]

and I sometimes forget that the way I see the world is not the way she sees the world.

Absolutely!!!

Every human being is a unique individual (no, I'm not...), and everyone therefore reacts in their own personal way.

Now, one of the most important words there is 'RE-act'... we can actually choose how to act in every situation...

So, you love Monty Python... how is his humour any different from theirs? (other than it's directed to other people, his is directed at you?). I'd say, just as Jester and Sadistic Bastard have said, it's a way of viewing the world - to laugh and enjoy life, rather than feel burdened by it.

You have particular characteristics which you find hard to find amusement in.. so did Steady Eddie. Also, pick most other comedians around the world... they have that sense of humour in response to stuff they saw (and heard about) themselves....

So, it's not supposed to be 'offensive'... except on the occasions that in order to get to see the funny side, you need to offend... and offend, and offend.. til you get over it.

But.. that's his style. You're a different person...

(btw - yes, I'm also one to get annoyed when I get pulled out of my 'zone').

But one thing I'm fairly certain of... if you try to demand a person change one part of their personality, in all likelihood, the rest will change a bit as well... like trying to pull a thread from a sweater...


Oh, and now I'll go a little left of centre... 'you' are not your body. That's a hunk of meat that you move around in. 'You' are the personality. I suspect he (in some small measure) perceives the difference... which is why pointing out physical aspects of a body isn't the same as digging at 'you'.

(of course - he could also be an ignorant dick ... eg 'speshul')

But... 4 months?? That's nothing! It's only now that the masks start to come off, and you start to see the 'real' person underneath.. a process that normally takes many more years to come (and even then, they'll still surprise you!)

If you haven't already, sit down and watch an MP... I've always loved Live at the Hollywood Bowl - even if it is just a bunch of skits done in the series...

BTW - you do realise, I hope, that you don't have to change... not 1 iota... in response to any of this... you will change (change is inevitable - except from a vending machine)... but you can choose the way you want to change... and it's best that you do do it your way - otherwise, you'll be changing someone else's way. We humans tend not to like that too much... eventually, we annoyed and snap