Found Out Today Why My Parents Got Divorced

[Greenday]

My sister got home from work a lil bit ago and I could tell she was upset. We went downstairs to her room to talk for privacy. Turns out it was about my mom and dad.

My parents got separated when I was 6 and my sister was 9. We had no idea at the time. We thought everyone was happy. But our understanding became to be that our parents were unhappy and just couldn't stay together anymore. My mom moved out and my sister and I went with her. We stayed close with our dad until I was about 12 and he got remarried to some horrid bitch. Being wrapped around her finger, he did everything she said and treated my mom, my sister, and I like crap. Every fight put my sister and I in the middle of things. But with the help of my stepdad, we always got through everything. I've posted various stories awhile ago, but after my sister's conversation with my dad today, a lot has changed.

Turns out the divorce wasn't mutual. My dad didn't want to get separated or divorced. He had no idea it was coming. Another thing I never even gave a second thought was about how my stepdad has always been around. ALWAYS. As soon as my parents got separated, he was ALWAYS around. My dad said people had told him how weird it is that my dad was fine with my stepdad hanging around with my mom so much while they were married. Apparently my stepdad would come over in the mornings when my dad wasn't around. Which means pretty much one thing...my mom was cheating on my dad.

More to come after dinner. I think I'm going to be sick.

[rdp78]

Wow, I really don't know what to say about that. I think it sucks that you knew what really happened after all these years and well, I guess it's good that truth has finally come out. But I am sure your face was like this when your sister told you this (heck, that's would be my face if I found out one of my parents was cheating and they've been married for 35 years).

[Aethian]

*snugs hard* As a kid of a cheating parent I feel for ya. At least you don't have half siblings running around. I think it's time to have a nice long talk with Mom and Dad and NOT Step-Dad.

[Rapscallion]

They may be your parents, but they're human as well. Even if they fall off the pedastal, they're still your parents. This doesn't change what they feel about you.

Rapscallion

[Greenday]

I just don't know what to do. I mean, my mom raised us well. She took great care of us. She helped us with schooling and colleges and boyfriends and girlfriends and everything. Shit, I got a tattoo for her. My stepdad always helped us too. He never made a lot of money, but he worked tons of overtime and helped pay the bills and treated my sister and I like we were his own kids. He never hit us, never yelled at us, he was everything you could pray for in a stepparent. But, I mean, this changes a lot. I can understand why no one said anything while we were younger, but damn. This changes so much. I mean, I know my stepmother is a bitch and has screwed up our relation with our dad, but it makes me wonder if my mom has been sneakily turning us against our dad so that God forbid we found out, we wouldn't believe him. But considering how much my dad hates my mom now, it makes me wonder if he isn't just making the whole thing up just to turn us against our mom and have sympathy for him.

[Greenday]

*snugs hard* As a kid of a cheating parent I feel for ya. At least you don't have half siblings running around. I think it's time to have a nice long talk with Mom and Dad and NOT Step-Dad.

That will never happen. Actually, my dad suggests EVERYONE, my mom, dad, sister, me, and my step-mother (not sure if he means my stepdad too). My mom would NEVER go for it though.

[Aethian]

If you tell her that you need this talk for YOU and YOUR SISTER and she still denies...she's not thinking of your best interests. I suggest seeking a family therepist as a mediator.

[wagegoth]

Maybe your dad is making it up, or maybe not. Or he's put his slant on the story. Having worked in law, especially family law, I can tell you that your mother has her side, your father has his side, and somewhere in there the truth lies, but you'll never know exactly what it is.

Your mother, according to your father, left him for another man, one that she involved with before the divorce. Ask yourself, "Why?" If your father was making more money and she left him for a hard-working, but poor man, then I would guess that your mother and father had issues that meant that the marriage was not working, especially not for your mother, that your father did not recognize or was unwilling to see.

Many men believe that as long as they have a job with a decent income, and aren't physically abusive or cheats, that they're doing their fair share in the marriage. Your mother was apparently missing out on something in the marriage. Maybe she'll be ready to tell you, now, but don't count on it. My mother never told me what happened; she felt that if she explained all her problems with my father that it would make me feel bad about myself. My grandmother finally told me when I was an adult. This is not to say it's all your father's fault; that is very seldom the case. It is often a matter of two people getting married who really weren't a good fit for the long term.

As Raps said, your parents are human. No human is perfect. Evidently, your mother felt her first marriage was not working. Now that you and your sister are adults, she may be ready to tell you what happened.

[Greenday]

I managed to slide in a comment to my mom, asking her why she and my dad got divorced. Said another friend's situation made me think about it.

She says they got divorced because my mom wasn't happy anymore and my dad wouldn't admit to being unhappy. They kinda rushed into their marriage because they were young and that's just what people did back then. She says that everything was great for awhile, but my dad just wasn't interested in the things my mom was and vice versa. My mom started going to therapy but my dad refused to go. He refused to admit anything was wrong (which is how he acts now). She and my stepdad were best friends at the time so she would go to him when she needed to talk about things. I know there was another friend that she went to. Another guy that is good friends with my family. My dad, stepdad, and this other guy were all in a band together. My mom says she wasn't even attracted to my stepdad at first, that he was like a brother. I don't think my mom would cheat with a guy that was like a brother to her. she said my dad accused her of cheating on him back then, but it sounds like he was just coming up with excuses to not put any blame on himself.

[Amina516]

Im glad you went and spoke with your mother.

Does it make sense to you and make you feel better? Assuming shes telling the truth, and it kinda sounds like she was, it should change nothing for you then and you can be happy with the tat .

Hope it all works out for you and sis. Thats a tough situation to be in.

[hinakiba777]

It's always a shock to learn something new about your parents and their relationships. Whether it's with each other or your stepparent.

It's good that you talked to your mom about what your dad said. Your head must have spun at your dad's side of the story. I'm not sure what else to say.

It's so hard to know the truth.

[Jester]

The problem here is that you don't know what happened, and just because your Dad says it happened X way doesn't mean it actually did. Others have pointed out that he may be full of shit, so you have to ask yourself who, in your life, has been more generally honest and who hasn't. And then ask yourself if it really matters. I mean, what happened DID happen between your parents 14 years ago. They are not the same people now that they were then, nor are you.

But more importantly.....

my mom raised us well. She took great care of us. She helped us with schooling and colleges and boyfriends and girlfriends and everything. Shit, I got a tattoo for her. My stepdad always helped us too. He never made a lot of money, but he worked tons of overtime and helped pay the bills and treated my sister and I like we were his own kids. He never hit us, never yelled at us, he was everything you could pray for in a stepparent.

Read that. Read that again. And again. And then read the words behind that. And then read it yet again. Let's say for the sake of argument that your mom and stepdad were raging hosebeasts that were going at it nonstop in the parking lot at Sears in front of the entire town while your father hung his head in shame and was finally forced to run off out of embarrassment and find a new wife, your current lovely stepmother.

Would that in any way destroy or negate the awesome and wonderful things your mother and stepfather have done for you? And if it would, why would it?

But, I mean, this changes a lot.

Why? If it is true (and that is clearly questionable), why would it change squat? Your parents aren't together. They are not going to get back together. What happened between them was between them a lifetime ago, and as much as we are often loathe to admit it, our parents are no different than the adults we associate with now. Don't believe me? Look at pictures of your parents when they were your age. Forget they are your parents. What do you see? Young people having fun. And, unquestionably, doing stupid shit and making mistakes and getting involved with people that maybe they shouldn't have been involved with. I have pictures of my mom and dad when they first got together in the Fifties, and when I force myself to look at those pictures objectively, without seeing My Parents, I see two young (amazingly gorgeous and devilishly handsome, of course) people having fun. And when I look beyond that, I see that they were having fun and unquestionably making mistakes.

Think about the mistakes you have made. The dumb shit you have done. Ditto your sister. The shit your parents don't know about, or that you wish they didn't know about. Don't you think they have a few skeletons in their closets that they don't want you to know about?

Frankly, I don't think it matters one fucking bit if your mother was boinking the milkman or not back in the Nineties. As a child, you need to judge your parents on how they RAISED you, not what they did to each other. They are your parents, and they are also adults, and human, and part of membership in the last two clubs mean they are going to be fallible and screw up, just like all the rest of them.

So, I can't believe I am saying this, but cut your parents some damn slack, kid. From your own account, they have done alright by you.

Jester....OUT.

[Primer]

At least they got divorced, and you and your sister grew up in a loving home.

My parents should have divorced, but didn't. I grew up with constant fighting, and after I moved out, I still had to listen to the bitching any time I came over to visit. They never could figure out why I did not come over very often, even when I flat out told them.

[protege]

My parents should have divorced, but didn't. I grew up with constant fighting, and after I moved out, I still had to listen to the bitching any time I came over to visit.

Growing up, my parents were like that. They were (and still are) always getting into arguments, usually over stupid shit. It's either my mother trying to push my father around, or one of my brothers (usually the middle one) has done something stupid. Dad says something about that, Mom goes ballistic--middle child "can do no wrong" apparently 30 years of that was enough--I work in a noisy office...and got tired of hearing screaming every damn night. And yes, they do yell when I stop by to visit--it'll either start when I arrive, or I'll catch the tail-end of it. If I'm lucky, I'll even get to catch them alone, and hear one bitch about the other one.

[Slytovhand]

3 of us.... And my mother wonders why I don't bother to ring or contact them... cos I hate the petty crap and sniping and stuff that went on....

Anyway, back to topic..

GD, yeah, it will come as a shock to the system, but as Dr Jester pointed out - so what?? Your parents split because of each other - not because of you (I have a friend, who overheard or some such similar, her dad dumping on her and that's why he left... did wonders for her esteem!)

Humans are complicated creatures at the best of times... and then, they like to complicate things even more. Emotions are a hell of a thing to get your head around. You will never know 'the truth' about your parents. Best you can get is how they recall what happened back then, which, if you take something that happened to you years ago, and try to recall it now, see how it goes... how we perceive things changes over times (sort of like healing... more like scarring over )

If you've got a great relationship with all concerned (or even just an ok relationship), then leave it that way.... cos, really, it doesn't matter.