So pissed off I can't even see straight

[TexasT]

Background, extremelly condensed: Two years ago I met a guy. We hit it off platonically. Soon after, he was dating this girl. I tried to be friends, and actually kind of liked her, but she became ruder and ruder over time. When they got engaged, I could at least be around her. Then they got married. Now she's way too hard to handle. I avoid her at all costs. I'll call them Sonny and Cher.

Story: I recently started dating someone. We're in the process of meeting each others friends and family. Since I consider the Sonny to be a good friend of mine, I arranged a triple date with them, my best friend/her fiancee, and my date/me. Just getting us to agree to when and where was trouble enough because no one was saying their opinion. Then, once we all agreed on pizza and games at Sonny and Cher's house, it became a big dramatic thing again. Several calls, e-mails, texts, and IMs form Sonny and Cher freaking out over how everyone was going to ignore them, how they don't know what games they should have, how they don't know what pizza to order, etc. later, I was ready to cancel, but went ahead anyway.

Cher was a complete bitch all night. She walked in with the pizzas, threw them down, and hid somewhere for over 10 minutes. She came back, ate salad, and gave us all nasty looks. We attempted to include her in the conversation, but she just snapped at us or gave us short answers. My guy leaned over and asked if we should leave since it's obvious she didn't want us there. I told him we were fine, since she did invite us after all.

After pizzas, we played Apples to Apples. She just rolled her eyes the whole time. She didn't even read the cards aloud, even after we requested it, which, as anyone who's played the game knows, is part of the fun. She left for about half of it to call her mom.

On to RockBand, which just led to her and Sonny fighting over and over again between songs. Half the time the fights didn't make any sense. He asked if she wanted to play guitar, she snapped about how he should know she hates guitar and wishes he would stop asking. He said ok and started to walk away, then she stopped him and said "I want the guitar." They fought over other stuff too, but that one was just bizarre. I attempted to talk to her a couple times while everyone else had an instrument/microphone and we were just sitting there. I leaned over and said, "Hi!" and smiling. She replied with, "I've been here over an hour! Why are you saying hi now?!" in an angry/offended voice. Later on, she asked about my summer, but then just rolled her eyes and stopped listening when I was answering. I attempted to ask about hers, but she didn't even hear her name, she was so busy ignoring me.

Then we played Catchphrase. She was actually pretty good at this, but was very blantantly annoyed when we didn't get more obscure ones. She seemed to hate playing it, really.

After the game, we all kinda coupled up and were cuddling a bit. That is, until I looked at Sonny and Cher. She was a good 4 feet from him and giving him a look of death.

We left at that point. Cher was hiding in the back again when I left and tried calling her and saying bye, but she didn't come out. If I had been thinking, I would've had my best friend, her fiancee, my date, and me meet up somewhere and actually have a good time. All I gotta say is thank goodness there was alcohol!

Oh, there's more: She then texted me, ""What was going on tonight? You left without saying goodbye. You and <best friend> barely said three words to me all night. Did I do something to get on your bad side?"

If that's not enough, she e-mailed me with the same message and added, "I'm pretty hurt right now actually. You guys invite us to spend time with you, come over to my house, and then act like I'm not even there all night."

My best friend's fiancee refuses to be around her again. He did this for me, but says I can never ask it of him again. Ironically, he purposefully didn't say a thing to her all night and my best friend and I are the ones being accused of blowing her off.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[draggar]

It seems like your friend's wife has some serious social (or anti-social) issues.

It seems like she is running the relationship - try to get your friend away from her to talk to him about it.

[Setsunaela]

Wow... that's highly rude of her, seriously. The vindictive bitch in me wants you to invite her to your home, and then totally ignore her, so she can see the difference between being blown off, and what happened at your event in her home.
BUT the realist in me knows that she'd just see that as further proof that you're a cold bitch that deserves the attitude she gives you

Honestly all I can say is to continue to avoid her at all costs.

[Evil Queen]

Wow, I'd totally drop her ass. What did Sonny say about this crap?

[MaggieTheCat]

Have you ever talked with your friend (Sonny) about all of this, and gotten his side of things? Unfortunately, I see this happen relatively often...good friends get split up because of jealous/insecure SOs. Especially when the friends are of opposite sex (I am gathering from your story that you are female, and he is male.) Unfortunately when a new SO comes on the scene of a friendly (non-romantic) relationship between a guy and a girl, the new SO will often think that the friend is trying to make a move on their partner, even when it's obvious that they're just friends. I swear, some people seem to WANT to cause rifts for the sole purpose of being spiteful and causing trouble.

Good luck...hopefully Sonny can talk some sense into her, but I have a feeling she's not going to change.

[TexasT]

Update: First off I found out that my best friend and her fiancee e-mailed Cher. She still doesn't get it. I guess they're going to continue talking back and forth. I don't know.

I talked to Sonny. He just defended Cher. Basically his perspective on it was that I could tell Cher was having a bad day so I should've been there for her. Which led to me basically yelling at him saying that I really don't care if she had a bad day or not. That doesn't give her an excuse to be a jerk. And she always had the choice to cancel. This is the highlight of our conversation:

Him: I'm acting like I know what she's going through, which you don't. And you obviously don't want to.
Me: Oh, because I've never had a bad day?
Him: Everyone has. And everyone has (intentionally or unintentionally) taken it out on someone else. Are you saying you never have?
Me: I've never taken it out on 5 people, all of them my friends, one of which I was meeting for the first time, who's very important to one of those friends. This isn't her snapping a couple times at you. This was her treating all of us like we were a nuisance. The worst I've done is snapped at a person or two. But not in a social situation
Him: Okay, so you're saying you're better than her.
Me: No, I'm saying what she did was inexcusable and I'm tired of giving her chance after chance only to be treated like this.

He did admit she was rude at the end. He wants me to e-mail her back, and I might. I just have to figure out what to say. Any advice?

[Amina516]

IMHO:

Tell her the truth. Exactly how you feel and how she acted.She MAY have had a bad day and didnt realize it. You can be nice about it if you want. Me personally, if you have given her TONS of chances already, it may just be time to call it quits.

[Peppergirl]

Honestly, I think I'd cut my losses and go.

Sorry...might be harsh, but it seems like way too much drama and if she's only gotten steadily worse as time goes by, imagine what it would be like a year from now? Yikes!

Take my advice with a grain of salt though, I tend to cut my losses and run when someone's hurt me - so keep that in mind.

[Geek King]

Chiming in late, but if you e-mail her, maybe use most of your OP and lable it as "That Night From Our Point of View." Maybe seeing how she came off to others might open her eyes. Might.

Give her a chance after dropping the bomb, but be ready. Some folks just never get that they are the common thread to their misserable social failings.

[protege]

Ugh. What a bitch!

...and yes, I do know a couple like that. One of my college friends, in fact. Things seemed OK when they were dating, but after they got married...she changed. She became a bit possessive, and eventually cut him off from the rest of us. That's right, she refused to let him even talk to us. Unfortunate, since he was such a good friend.

That wasn't the only thing though. From what I understand, he's not even allowed to go out with co-workers. His wife makes him come straight home, and tends to get upset if he doesn't

[kibbles]

Snapping at people when having a bad day...yeah I can understand. But when you realize or people tell you what you have been like, you apologize and admit to the bad day. I can totally understand why you are pissed.

[TexasT]

I guess I should update y'all. I was ready to cut my losses and leave her be, but she kept calling and leaving angry messages saying basically if I was a good Christian, I'd call her (she said it differently, but that was the basic premise). Finally, I picked up after a bunch of phone calls and basically she said, "You saw I was having a bad day. Why didn't you try to help me?" So basically, she wanted us to give her a pity party. She thought we should've left all the boys, went into her room with her, and spent the whole night comforting her despite the fact that the whole point was to meet the guy I'm dating. Whatever. I chewed her out, hung up, and have one seen her at one social even since where I ignored her. I'm now planning the bachelorette party for my best friend (I'm the maid of honor) and we are both in agreement that we're not inviting her. Nobody of all our mutual friends wants her there.

Oh, and the bad day was because her coworkers were all talking bad about her. I wonder why.

[tropicsgoddess]

Jeez, she has some issues. I wonder if those issues of hers would ever be addressed.

[Jester]

The one thing I might say in Cher's defense is that this may have all been planned by other people but then held in her home, so she might have felt a bit left out of the loop, and a bit put out, maybe even a bit imposed upon.

This is not to excuse her behavior, merely to offer a possible explanation to it.

The vindictive bitch in me wants you to invite her to your home, and then totally ignore her, so she can see the difference between being blown off, and what happened at your event in her home.

Personally I think the best revenge would be to go completely in the opposite direction. Basically, have a social event at YOUR place, and invite Sonny and Cher, and be as nice as is humanly possible, including her as much as possible, etc. She will either step up and be receptive and nice and make an effort to make up for the last party, or she will continue to be a raving turdpuckey and have no further cause for complaint about you folks.

I would bet on the latter, but you never know. People have been known to surprise. I've seen that all my life in many ways.

[thegiraffe]

It sounds to me like she thrives on playing the perpetual victim role. I've seen this before - they have to be the victim of everything because it ensures that they get attention. By stirring up trouble, people have to pay attention to you. She has not, it seems, figured out how to attract positive attention. Honestly, it's a wonder that she's married at all. I think "Sonny" sounds like a great guy, but one who is too close to the situation to see the reality of it. That's not really a healthy place to be in, but it is normal. This is one of the reasons that domestic violence continues to occur (not saying that this IS domestic violence in any way, shape, or form).

As far as ways to prevent a night like that in the future? There are several, and some are a little more...mature than others.
-Like someone said, you can invite everyone BUT her, but do you really want to give her a valid reason to complain?
-You could also do what Jester said and turn the tables but be totally sweet to her. Something tells me that she would find some way to turn that against her as well (I see the phrase "charity case" coming up).
-Write her a little note (or email, I'm not sure which is easier for you...I do think that a handwritten note may mean a little more, but I'm old-fashioned) genuinely apologizing for any negative feelings that she may have had at the party/get together, and then somehow asking her what she would like the future interactions/parties/get togethers to look like. Essentially, you want validate her feelings without taking responsibility. She's most certainly insecure and will benefit greatly from some validation. Secondly, asking her what she wants things to be like (how people interact with her, time spent in conversation, etc) gives her control - perceived or real - over her environment. Maybe say something like "I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt. What are some things that we can do to help prevent that in the future?". Make sure you don't say "it wasn't my intention" or whatever - because that accepts blame or responsibility - or it likely will in her eyes. This also gives her a chance to open up some, maybe talk about something that was bothering her or whatever. I would also not worry about her husband defending her at this point. He'll get the message one way or the other, and it's not going to do any good to try and pit him against her.

It seems like she was a huge cause of the tension of the night, and that's understandable. Some people simply can't function without chaos because that's all they've ever known. She's likely to be one of those people. She can be taught though - I've seen it happen. I guess this is coming from the counselor side in me, but make sure you give her positive attention when she has positive behaviors, and NO attention when she has negative ones. If she thrives on attention (and my experience says that she does), she'll quickly learn how to get the attention she so craves.

You could always just quit hanging out with them, but is that worth losing what sounds like an awesome friend (Sonny) over? That's up to you. I think this can be worked on, but it's going to be tough.