So pissed off I can't even see straight

[Soulstealer]

Essentially, you want validate her feelings without taking responsibility. She's most certainly insecure and will benefit greatly from some validation.

Now I'm going to have to disagree with you right here. The fact of the matter is her feelings aren't valid and she's playing the victim role. One day they will be if she continues to do this because no one will want to be around her but enforcing her feelings will only perpetuate her behavior. I'm not sure what advice to offer you but from my own experience you do not want continual enforcement of her behavior. It will only give her the green light to continue acting the way she does.

Maybe you want the tough love and tell her exactly what she's doing or maybe somewhat nicer that's something you'll have to figure out but the worst thing you can do is play along with her bullshit. If she wants to play the victim that's her business but you shouldn't have to feel like a villain.

[thegiraffe]

Now I'm going to have to disagree with you right here. The fact of the matter is her feelings aren't valid and she's playing the victim role.

To you and I her feelings aren't valid because we know she brings them upon herself, but the fact is that feelings are feelings. You can't change how people feel. That's one of the cardinal rules of therapy. She DOES feel victimized, regardless of how we feel about it. Like I said - I've seen this before.

Without going into details (I can't due to HIPAA), I worked at a therapeutic residential camp for troubled teens as a counselor. I had one young teen girl who grew up in a very chaotic household. Mom was always out gallivanting around with guys, there was no supervision, and so she and her siblings created chaos to get attention. When she came to camp, she continued the same behaviors, and the group quickly had enough of it. (I should mention that the group is who these girls live with 24/7 for upwards of a year - there is no escaping them). She genuinely felt victimized after the group gave her a piece of their minds a few times...she didn't have the self-awareness to understand that she always played the victim and even created situations so she could play the victim to make sure she always got attention. It took several months and multiple frank conversations for her to start figuring that out. Ultimately, her desire for positive, healthy relationships with her counselors and group members won over her previous 'programming' to create chaos.

My advice to aj is to start the process by validating her feelings. Her entire life, she's likely been told that her feelings aren't important, she's not important, etc. To someone like that, validating their feelings makes a HUGE difference.

Now don't get me wrong - I believe in tough love too. I've helped raise my fair share of kids, and they all know not to try nonsense with me because I won't have it. However, there are times and places for tough love, and there are times when it's not appropriate. At this point, it's not appropriate.

Because of my professional experience, I think I probably see this in a different way than a lot of people, and that's OK. I'm used to people doing things to be spiteful, consciously having negative behaviors with no regard for others, I've been cussed out by kids I was caring for more times than I can count (think 80 times a day), been kept up until 2 or 3am calming down a kid who tried to run and still having to get up at 615 for a full day the next day. I've been there and done all of that - I'm tolerant and have thick skin. I understand that not everyone does. But I figure that I was given a ton of experience - I may as well share it.

[Soulstealer]

Perhaps I haven't said it the best way but even if she does believe her feelings I don't think it's a good idea to validate them. There are people who have some sort of trauma that causes them to behave this way but I've also known people who have no history to indicate that mommy didn't love them enough or whatever.

Some people are damaged and some are attention whores by nature. I don't know what Cher's deal is but it's not fair to anyone else to have to put up with her behavior and something does need to be done to show her that if she's feeling isolated or insulted it's a result of her actions.

[gremcint]

Ask yourself: is she worth putting up with to hang out with your friend?

If yes then do it, if no then tell your friend why you will not be hanging out with him any more.

If you are at their place and she starts acting this way again just say to your friend "I'm sorry I'm here to have fun not put up with drama queen. Good night" and leave. He'll make his choice and it may not be the choice who hope for but either you put up with it or you don't.

You have zero responsibility to her which means that you don't have to try to get through to her or explain to her, all that does is give her what she wants: attention and while you are doing that then she gets to cry and have you "forgive" her.

By just leaving when she starts the drama you cut her off at the knees, then later refuse to discuss it at all. She'll either wisen up or keep being the little drama queen she is and then you have all the more reason to avoid her. Also inviting her over and being perfectly nice to her as suggested just tells her she can act like this and there are no repercussions.