A question about how you handle break-ups

[Boomer]

I don't want to go into the details for why I'm asking this, but I've always thought women were supposed to be the ones who needed to talk endlessly about why a good relationship went bad -- the whole closure thing -- and men were supposed to be able to just walk away and move on. But, it seems to work out just the opposite in my life.

So, the question is, how do you handle your break-ups? Work out a suitable ending or just slip away and pretend like it never happened?

Thanks for any input.

[spark]

Every one is different. *shrug* Mostly I don't talk about them though. Other than the crazed ex-fiance, that story is too bizarre not to share around.

[Fufu487]

I just went through a really messy break-up with a really long bf (now ex of course). Personally, I don't think either sex is more likely to pursue closure. I think it's all up to the individual and the situation. If she's not looking for closure or working out the lose ends, find closure for yourself and move on.

Im going to go a cheesy here and say 'there's lots of fish in the sea'

I prefer to work out some kind of ending wiht a relationship. At least so I make my point known, and am willing to see his side if he wants to speak it. However, sometimes its just better to move on with your life and let them do the same.

Besides it's the summer, BEST time to have some fun and meet new ppl

The worlds your oyster, man!!

[draggar]

and men were supposed to be able to just walk away and move on.

Bull f-ing $h!t. I've heard some sexist things in my life but this is up there.

First - if the "man" (and here I'm using the term solely as a gender thing - not maturity thing) can just walk away from a relationship then it meant squat to him and the woman is far better off now as she was with him. Everyone is different and so is every relationship.

If a man is a man and is in a REAL relationship - and not just some fly by night fling / notch in his belt, then he WILL also feel it, feel the pain, and the emotional side effects of it all.

It takes time - closure may be nice at times but it may not be a possibility. Look at the relationship, what happened, what (you think) led to its downfall, and try to learn from it. If you don't think you did anything wrong- then it wasn't the right relationship for you.

Now is also a good time where your true friends will come around, even if they were her friends also (not saying they'll take sites, mind you). They're the ones who would be willing to take you out for a beer (figuratively if you're not of drinking age or don't drink) and let you cry into it. They're the ones who are important in life.

Take time, learn from it, and when the time is right, you'll be able to move on.

And Spark - I think we've all had that "crazed" ex..

[Jester]

As has been said, each individual is different. I know myself, not surprisingly, I am a talker, and will talk my friends' ears off about my breakups.

Just yesterday, my little sister said I talk about my exes in general (and That Vile Woman in particular) way too much, and I really shouldn't do so around new girlfriends (such as Nurse Betty) all that much, as it could get old fast. As apparently it had with Lil Sis.

Yeah, I do talk about things a lot, but I talk about a LOT of things in my life a lot. I talk. It's what I do. All this typing you see from me is not just my love of writing, but my natural inclination to talk something to death. (In case you hadn't noticed.)

That being said, in my conversations with Nurse Betty, That Vile Woman has been brought up recently by her more often than by me. Remember, we've been friends for years, so she was quite familiar with that whole situation. And it's all good.

Of course, I should probably make a mental note not to mention my exes too much around Lil Sis anymore......

Other than the crazed ex-fiance, that story is too bizarre not to share around.

Oh, please, DO share!

Im going to go a cheesy here and say 'there's lots of fish in the sea'

Very cheesy.

And remember, there are times when people really don't want to hear it. I know you mean well, but I do remember that when The Brit dumped me, and I was beside myself, one of my coworkers said to me (much to their regret), "You know, there are lots of fish in the sea."

I wheeled around on them and snapped, "Yeah, well I don't really feel like fishing right now! Besides, most of the fish out there are piranha and barracuda!"

Yeah, I didn't deal with that breakup well at ALL!

I think we've all had that "crazed" ex..

Oh, HELL yes. (Unfortunately.)

[Eireann]

It's an individual thing. Every time a "relationship" (and I DO use the term loosely) blew up on me, I talked it to death. When a guy I know, who is one of my closest friends, experienced the end of his first relationship, we spent hours upon hours upon HOURS on the phone, talking about it. (He was convinced it was his fault. WRONG!)

It's not regulated by the X or Y chromosome. It's just part of the individual's coping processes.

[iradney]

It's definitely an individual thing. One of the most mature breakups I ever had went like this:

We sat down, discussed what we're looking for, saw we want different things, broke up and then went out for dinner. Weird, I know (after 2.5 years )

I think a break up sucks when one person takes the coward's way out - I had an ex who, after visiting with me for 3 hours, handed me a letter and drove off. He broke up with me IN THE LETTER. I was not impressed.

[Greenday]

How am I currently handling things with my ex-girlfriend now? Well, we broke up back in September. Right now we are the best friends ever.

[blas]

Most of the time, a night out with just the girls or even a slumber party (girls are never too old for that) will help boost me into better coping territory.

[Nurian]

Everyone feels. Everyone hurts. A true relationship requires an investment of emotion into it. That's why it hurts when it's called off. Both sexes feel it, they just (generally) react to it differently. Jeff Foxworthy talked about it once:

"When a girl breaks up with a guy, she calls her friends, she talks about it, cries and eats some ice cream. In a few days, she's okay. When men break up, we spend a week denying we feel anything. The next week, we're in the backyard with a weedeater chasing small animals, shouting 'SHE SAID SHE'D ALWAYS LOVE ME!!'"

Hyperbole aside, it's the difference in reaction that causes people to think that either sex can break off a relationship with no pain. I think every here has pointed out that it just isn't the case.

[Sheldonrs]

Once I'm done hiding the body, I just move on.

[Fenrus]

Once I'm done hiding the body, I just move on.

You still hide yours? Lye, man... makes the flowers grow nice, too.

[Peppergirl]

I tried the friendship thing...it didn't work because the feelings were still too intense. I finally cut ties completely, because he never would have..hence, we never would have moved on if *I* hadn't cut the cord.

It's been several months and it's gotten alot easier, but the pain is still there.

FTR, he was the 'talk it to death' one (male) and I was, and still am, the type to shut things out and walk out on arguments. I do have a couple of close friends I talk to about it, but they get frustrated with me for having to pull the information out of me.

So, it certainly varies. I don't know many women (like me) who are the cut-and-run type, but from some of the responses here, it clearly is more common than I thought!

Regardless, I hope you get to feelnig better soon. People around here are pretty good listeners and can offer decent advice.

Hang in there!

[HorrorFrogPrincess]

If I break up with someone, I do it face-to-face, no matter how much I'd rather do it over the phone. Actually just broke up with the BF yesterday. I try to be as kind as I can, and basically do the whole "It's not you; it's me" without saying that. Line up MY issues without going into too much detail. Even if it's total BS.

Then excuse myself after he's said his piece, if he has anything to say. And try to keep things friendly. That hasn't worked so far. EX1 is still pissy about that, though we only bump into each other on another message board. EX2 got real passive aggressive, so I stopped hanging out with him and lost all contact. EX3 (as of yesterday)...we'll see.

[BookstoreEscapee]

We sat down, discussed what we're looking for, saw we want different things, broke up and then went out for dinner. Weird, I know (after 2.5 years )

I had one of those...we were together for a year, had "the talk" while sitting in his car at the park, then went to see a movie and got ice cream.

I think a break up sucks when one person takes the coward's way out - I had an ex who, after visiting with me for 3 hours, handed me a letter and drove off. He broke up with me IN THE LETTER. I was not impressed.

The guy before that broke up with me after we had spent the entire afternoon together, hanging out at his house, and I proofread his application for some program he was applying to. At least he did it in person, but I'd kind of rather he hadn't waited all day to do it.

We did eventually get to a "friend" stage. We worked together, so we had to deal with each other on a regular basis. Haven't talked to him in several months (at least) but that just kind of happened naturally as we moved on from that job.

FTR, he was the 'talk it to death' one (male) and I was, and still am, the type to shut things out and walk out on arguments. I do have a couple of close friends I talk to about it, but they get frustrated with me for having to pull the information out of me.

I'm like that, too. The guy I dated before Ex was definitely the one who was always frustrated with me not talking. With Ex, I was the frustrated one, so I guess it's no wonder that we didn't work out. I had a hard enough time talking about my feelings, and he was even worse!