Advice on how to handle MIL, FIL, & Mr. Rum

[CaroPhoenix]

This weekend (Saturday to be exact), MommyRum (my mother), Mr. Rum*, and myself got into a discussion about why I won't let MotherNotaRum (Mr. Rum's mother) and FatherNotaRum (Mr. Rum's dad) have Child Rum visit them for a week during Summer Vacation.

MommyRum and I both tried to explain to Mr. Rum that his parents do not understand the whys and ways of Child Rum. It took Child Rum with her bid for freedom on Thanksgiving Day to convince MIL to lock the doors and keep them locked. FIL still doesn't think the doors need to be locked.

MotherNotaRum has very recently (4th of July weekend) told me that I "baby" Child Rum too much. Yes, because trying to keep a child who has no inhibitors (when she wants to do something, she does it, no matter what) safe is "babying" her.

My MIL and FIL both don't understand why I follow her around, and if she's gone for more than 1 minute, I get nervous.

I'm really thinking I need to write a list of things for them to know (like the 101 things I've learned about Child Rum or something like) and understand what is going on with her. Help them to understand why I follow her around, and keep her close.

Should I do this? Mr. Rum really has no idea about Child Rum neither. He works Monday to Friday and is basically a weekends-only Daddy.

And if I do do a list, should I go into long explanations or quick and dirty ones? Or leave out the explanations at all?

Any advice will be appreciated! Thanks!



*Please note, Mr. Rum became a Rum when he married me not the other way around.

[strawbabies]

I have a feeling they'd just ignore a list anyway. They seem to think they know how to take care of your child better than you do.

Don't let them take her, especially since they proved at Thanksgiving that they can't/won't adequately supervise her.

[Broomjockey]

If there was some way to organize a "supervised" day, where they're responsible for everything, but you're still there to make sure nothing untowards happens, I'd say go for that, because there is no way on this planet they're going to understand, short of doing it themselves. No list, no explanations will suffice, since they don't have to live with it.

[MaggieTheCat]

IIRC, ChildRum has autism, correct? I assume you've already done this, but -- have you given Mr.Rum/the in-laws books or webpages or anything on autism to explain it to them? Honestly, I don't know much about it, without Googling or Wiki'ing it, aside from the fact that autistic kids are somewhat "special needs." I wouldn't know the first thing to do/not do when taking care of autistic kids. Of course, since this is your FAMILY we're talking about, you'd think that they'd have done some research themselves so they're better prepared and educated...

I'm afraid I don't have much advice, just sympathy. Maybe reminding them of what happened at Thanksgiving and telling them that THAT'S the reason they don't get ChildRum on their own would have some impact?

Edit: I say give the in-laws books, rather than just telling them about autism, because if they're as petty as they seemed in the Thanksgiving post (I went back and re-read it) then they probably hear what you tell them and think, "She's just making up excuses to baby her child/make her child feel selfish" or some such nonsense, and not take you seriously. Possibly a professionally written version of the same thing might have more effect.

[CaroPhoenix]

I really want to give the In-Laws this book but Mr. Rum has said that if I give it to his parents, I have to give it to my parents.

I'm thinking of getting books by Temple Grandin. She is an Autism Advocate besides being an Doctor of Animal Science and being a consultant for livestock.

She is a high functioning woman with Autism. There's a couple of autobiographies written by her to give parents understanding of what went on in her life.

I'm hoping to let my parents & Mr. Rum's parents read them. (Though in the case of my mother I might have to read it to her as she's got very bad eyes when it comes to reading).

I might take BroomJockey's advice and having a day where MotherNotaRum and FatherNotaRum is in charge of her, but I'm somewhere in the house, keeping an eye on her.

*sigh*

It's just so hard because they just don't understand, and I have a sinking feeling they don't want to understand.


ETA: Mr. Rum brings up the fact that Child Rum got out of MommyRum's house and got down to one of the main streets in her neighborhood. However, this happend roughly 4 years ago, and only after he questioned my mom about how it was amazing Child Rum had never opened the door and ran out of her house. Not even an hour later, she was out like Flynn. And my mother flew down the street in hot pursuit of her. Since then, Child Rum has never gone out again without someone with her. My mom has learned from her one "mistake" and takes it to heart. She still gets upset about it, shaking because she is convinced if she hadn't run as fast as she could, CHild Rum would have been hit by a car and badly hurt.

[tropicsgoddess]

I read Temple Grandin's book Thinking in Pictures, it gives a great insight into the thought process of those with Autism.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

You don't need to make a list because you don't owe them an explanation. You're her mom, and you don't want to leave her there alone.

That pretty much sums up your list and your reasons right there. They don't have to like it.

They know what her issues are, and they have hard evidence showing what can happen if that doens't get taken seriously. Having them read anything won't really change that. They are choosing to be thick about it. So be it.

That goes for Mr. Rum, too. He doesn't take an active role in her upbringing and doesn't support you, he waives his say.

Sorry, but this is life and death stuff. It's not something you can take a chance on.

[Shpepper]

Rummy, First off ....


Now then, I have to agree that you not let them take her. It's just too much of a risk that they won't keep a close enough eye on her and something could happen. How far do they live from you? Is it hard to have them to your house to spend time with her so they can know more about just how difficulet it can be to work with a special child like her?

I like the idea of allowing them to "be in charge" with you close by to be sure that nothing happens.

How does Child Rum respond when she is around the Notarum g-parents? Does she listen to them when asked to do something? Does she show more coping behaviors around them? Are they physically about to keep up with her?

Those would be the first things that I address and then if necessary, I would find reasons that she could not go. More time at camp, therapy appointments, play dates. There are all sorts of things that can magically "come up" when you need them to.

Most of all go with your gut. If you don't think that she should go then just tell them NO. You are her mom and her primary caregiver. You need to be the one who decides what's right for her.


Remember, if you need good ideas why she can't go, I will come up with some good ones.

[CaroPhoenix]

One of the reasons, I don't let her go anywhere by herself in the house is for the following reasons:

1. She has bitten into a liquid dishwasher tab
2. She has pulled lysol wipes out of their container and sucked the "juice" out of them.
3. She has, on 2 different occassions, taken deoderant (2 different brands) and put them on her tongue.

She is still very oral in her exploration of new things.

She has no inhibitions. As I said before, she does what she wants, when she wants it, and when she's in that mind set, not even the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse could stop her.

If I let her, she'd eat constantly until she was full. I've talked to the mother of another Autistic little boy (he's in the camp with Child Rum) and she had the same problem. She thinks her son can't feel himself being full, and I'm beginning to think it's the same with her.

If she gets a hold of a crayon, pencil, pen, anything that can make markings anywhere, she'll go to the nearest wall or furniture of piece of paper and color.

She gets distracted easily. I've seen her go towards the bathroom, and then she sees something interesting and does that instead.

When she's exhausted, she puts up a fight. She yells, screams, hits, and kicks.

She just told me that she wants to go to Grandparents NotaRum's house so she can see the dogs. Plus she wants to go to Grandpa's barn to see the singing fish (the barn also has lots of sharp equipment).

They really don't understand the concept of Child Rum. They've left her alone and then come back and get mad because she's pulled the cushions off the couch, messed up the tv (trying to find "her" tv channels), and given the dogs numerous dog treats (which they leave out in the open).

I'm always frayed by the time I leave.

The In-Laws live 2 hours to the south of my house. They have used the excuse that it's "too far" for them to drive for a visit. However, they have no problem with asking us to come down to their house at the drop of a hat. When we go there for a visit (it usually ends up with one over night stay during that stay), I have to pack clothing for Child Rum, Mr. Rum, and myself. I have to pack 2 CPAP Machines (both Mr. Rum and I have Sleep Apnea). I also have to pack stuff to keep Child Rum entertained. (MIL has 3 grandchildren, and nothing for them to play with). I also have to pack treats that Child Rum will like (she doesn't really like MIL's cooking).

I have told Mr. Rum that if he wants to see his mother, he is more than welcome to go down on a weekend and stay there. Child Rum and I don't have to go with him. He gets mad. He'll only go down there by himself (I wouldn't have to go) if he can take Child Rum because she "enjoys herself so much". But I don't let him take her by himself as I'm afraid that she'll get hurt. There are 2 hospitals "near" their house. One hospital is 20 minutes away and the other one is 30 minutes away.

My nerves are frayed just thinking about this.

This past Sunday, I took a nap (I was tired and kept nodding off in the middle of my breakfast). Not even 30 minutes into my nap, Mr. Rum and Child Rum came into the room and Child Rum was climbing all over me. He couldn't handle her! (How can I handle her?) He finally took her to a new park and she had fun there. There was only one other little girl there (with her daddy).

I hope this isn't too confusing for ya'll to read. Thank you for reading it!

[PhotoChick]

Absolutely DO NOT give in. I think you already know that, but in the back of your mind you want them to change. They won't. Sorry.

I think giving them a book is a good idea. I also think you should just tell them at this point in time they are welcome to visit you but you're gonna wait to visit them until she grows up/matures/(insert word here) at little. That way it puts the "blame" on you and ChildRum instead of her. The house isnt child proof, remember when she ....

Maybe your MIL wont come visit you, but then that her problem.

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Rum, I'm getting mad just reading this stuff. Seriously.

First of all, it would be a cold day in The Bad Place before I packed clothes and equipment for a grown ass man to go visit his parents. What, you are caring for two special needs children now?

You got to be fucking kidding me. I don't pack anything for my husband when we go on trips. He's a grown ass man, he can pack his own bags. I have enough to do getting the kid and myself ready to go. I might remind him to grab stuff he is likely to forget, as he does for me, but that's it.

Secondly, you said he's running D&D games, and have earlier mentioned that he plays computer games. He's got time to do that but no time for his daughter and no time to see to his property. Fine. He is not being a parent to her the rest of the time, he doesn't need to think he's got any business stepping in now with any sort of demands. Far as your family dynamic goes, he's another child you have to take care of.

And third, your In Laws have given you the perfect excuse: It's too far. Why yes, yes it is.

Right now, you need to take care you yourself and your daughter. You hate going to the In Laws, and you only go to please him, am I right? So quit going. He wants you to suck up your own feelings out of consideration for his family, the way a wife does, he can damn well get off his ass and start being a husband instead of a trifling little gamer boy you have to take care of.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I can't stand it. You're a nice lady, trying to do the best you can, and you aren't getting any help at all. In fact, you're getting hindered. It pisses me off.

[persephone]

You know how I feel about the situation, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry and if there's anything we can do (even just listen to you rant!) we're always here. *hugs*

Hang in there, Rummy.

[CaroPhoenix]

What I want to know is why, when Mr. Rum comes home, or when we visit his family, Child Rum is very excited to see them? She's thrilled!

When Daddy gets home, she's like all huggies and kisses and wanting to be with him until she goes to bed.

I don't get it. Can anyone explain that to me?

[RecoveringKinkoid]

Yeah, because she doens't have to work for your attention. She has that. She sees you all the time. Daddy's attention, on the other hand, is a rare prize.

That is how it works with my own kid...she's the most excited to see whoever she's been missing the most that day.

[BookstoreEscapee]

Have you ever had any kind of family therapy...even just a session with a neutral 3rd party who can help explain the special issues that need to be considered when it comes to Child Rum? Someone who is not "the overprotective mommy" that can give an objective opinion on what she needs from all the adults in her life. Someone who can facilitate everyone getting a chance to be heard. Sometimes it takes someone outside the situation to make people see what they don't want to see. Your in-laws want her to just be "their granddaughter" and they don't want to see the special issues that come along with her and which need consideration.

You said she got outside with your mother watching her, once, and your mother learned from that. Your in-laws haven't learned from experience and don't want to. Tell them that. Unless someone can get through to them, you are doing the right thing in not allowing her to be alone with them for an extended stay. And I don't think you should have to come up with things to explain why she can't* (camp, therapy, etc.). If there is a legit appointment or playdate, fine, but you shouldn't have to lie. Tell them straight-out, their house is not child-proofed, they haven't learned from the experience of her getting outside at Thanksgiving, and it is not safe for her to be there for an extended time. Unfortunately, hearing it from you clouds their judgment further. A doctor, family therapist, or other mediator-type might have a better shot.

*I agree, though, that their own "it's too far" argument is equally valid for you. Unless they are limited in their ability to travel due to health reasons or whatever, it sounds like it's easier for them to come to you. It's fair for them to expect you to visit them once in a while, but it shouldn't have to always be you that does the traveling (or even 50-50).